hi gay

must feel so good to be soil absorbing rain

thinking "everyone can tell im bad at this" as i stand completely motionless doing nothing in public

I'm shy at first and then im like donkey from shrek

good god when the onions and garlic hit the olive oil..........

Panties hit the FLOOR

you know it sister

being very fat means that sometimes you will encounter a chair that is so spindly, so fragile, so delicate. sometimes you will encounter a chair that is made of matchsticks and dreams. and has a seat the size of an ipad. a chair that resembles a newly born deer taking its first shaky steps. being very fat means that sometimes a thin person will offer this chair to you as a seat and not even think about it. meanwhile you, the fat person, if you listen very closely and with an open heart, can actually hear the chair whimpering and coughing like a sick victorian child. a thin person will offer this chair to you, a very fat person, and you have to look at them. and then the chair. and then your hips. and back at them. and be like. let's be real. can we please be real for a second. can we please use our spatial awareness right now. like it's okay we are allowed to use our spatial awareness when it comes to my ass. it's all good.

can you put that thing on a leash?

my boss's trans lesbian daughter gave me really gross Chinese liquor

great mnemonic for the names of the planets