Faux Pas

You get: an unreliable narrator you’ll want to punch by page six. God, but make it neurodivergent. Assassins, also neurodivergent. A brothel where people code-dress like it’s pre-guillotine France and everyone’s gay, but gender does not exist, except it does and it’s misogyny. The character haunting the narrative? Probably Elon Musk. There's Achilles too. And toy soldiers speaking like Vietnam vets.

I promise you won’t understand a thing, but that’s part of the experience.

Harrowhark as Aurora.

Left in the woods with Fairy Jod, copes by wandering nature and talking to birds. Doesn’t know she’s a princess, proceeds to fall asleep anyway. Sparse parallels with Jesus.

Gideon as Prince Philip.

The power of true love. Gets a sword, kills a dragon, saves the princess. One of the biggest misfires of the Drearburh foster care system.

John as Merryweather.

A bit salagadoola, then bibbidi-bobbidi-boo; had an affair with Maleficent that ended in tragedy. Then one with her goons. Then Stepleton. By the third song, you start craving his death.

Camilla as Fauna.

According to Wikipedia, she gives Aurora-Harrow the gift of Song, allowing her to speak with the birds. An ally.

Ianthe as Flora.

Was supposed to give Aurora-Harrow the gift of Happiness. She didn’t.

Augustine, Mercymorn, and Gideon 2 as Maleficent’s goons.

Turned into ravens by an evil spirit, not a single happy soul in there. Occasionally engage in questionable gymnastics on the table. Not Gideon. Never Gideon.

Alecto as Maleficent.

Once a fairy, got her heart broken and swore revenge. Can turn into a dragon. Still haunts Merryweather, and mostly everybody else.

Commander Wake as Queen Ingrid (aka Philip’s mother).

I Hate The Way I Look Today

Click Clack Symphony

Winter Woman.

The WhatsApp Shakespeare

Lifeboat.

Skin and Bones.

I Will Overcome.

Yuta Okkotsu — tiramisù Everyone loves tiramisù. Big, sad eyes, he used to be the protagonist of your childhood parties. Not here. Here he’s a killing machine.

Maki Zen'in — crème brulée The waiter sets it on fire. You try it at home and end up meeting Yuji-firefighter.

Kenjaku — ice cream Comes in many flavors and colors, has been traumatizing people since 1908. Gave birth for the plan. Your grandmother remembers him from Beautiful.

Hiromi Higuruma — affogato Ice cream, but with coffee. A darker flavour. Your feed is full of him in the bathtub, grandma remembers him from Law & Order.

Master Tengen — maritozzo Evil-looking bun filled with whipped cream, uses she/they pronouns. Powerful. Eat a maritozzo today, digest it tomorrow.

Atsuya Kusakabe — strudel Strudel's everybody's safe choice. Mature and trustworthy, at some point he’ll stop sending children to death.

Yuji — My Ordinary Life  (The Living Tombstone) 

Megumi — Moral Panic (Nothing But Thieves)   

Nobara — Girl With One Eye (Florence + The Machine)  

Inumaki — Don’t Speak (No Doubt)  

Todo — Tiny Dancer (Tina Turner)  

Kokichi aka Mechamaru — Plug In Baby (Muse)   

Gojo — Because I Liked a Boy (Sabrina Carpenter) 

Geto — Who Dat Boy (Tyler, The Creator)   

Mei Mei — Bitch Better Have My Money (Rihanna)  

Toji — I Have Nothing (Whitney Houston) 

Toji's worm — Mama's Boy (Dominc Fike) 

Kenjaku — Here Comes the Hotstepper (Ini Kamoze)  

Sukuna — She Wolf (Shakira)

Bonus track  

Itadori Yuji — bignè

Puffy, sweety thing; character development kicks him like it’s a football game. Somehow he still smiles.

Fushiguro Megumi — semifreddo

Should’ve gone down chill and quiet; midway your esophagus he twists, laughs, and summons Mahoraga.

Gojo Satoru — opera cake

Cheered, showy, costs a kidney, it’s more the name than the taste. Why try to know an opera cake? Cut in half in your fridge, he’s still grieving his pan di Spagna

Geto Suguru — pan di Spagna

Understated, adapts to anything. Used to be everyone’s moral compass, then founded a cult.

Sukuna — your grandmother’s cheesecake

No one knows the recipe, could require the souls of twenty baby chicks. Sometimes makes an offhand comment that reminds you granny was alive during fascism.

Nobara Kugisaki — your grandmother’s cheesecake 2

As mentioned, recipe is lost. Dead. Forgotten. Then pops out at your uncle’s funeral and you’re like, wtf.

Nanami Kento — sufflé