かすみ

dialogue prompts from sunburn by chloe michelle howarth.

i am at a very tricky age.

feeling adult was everything to me.

i function far better with you than without you.

you're so cute. everybody likes you.

you're always looking at me like you hate me.

i want you to feel understood.

the silence says a lot.

i've never known a person like you.

it was easiest just to hate _____.

i suppose it's nice to live somewhere quiet.

stories carry weight, even when nobody really believes them.

being busy isn't the same as being satisfied.

you're not as harsh as you seem.

i need to stop acting my age and grow up.

i wouldn't make sense without _____. i might not even exist.

i pretend so well, i almost believe myself.

we all have secrets. everybody is hiding something.

there is no more room for grey areas.

sometimes i just hear what i want to hear.

do you even realize all the things people say about us?

it was a human mistake.

all i want is to avoid how i feel.

i can't say the things you deserve to hear.

i would like you to know me authentically.

you could do worse. you have.

you belong everywhere you go.

what a wonderfully big heart you have.

you are just so easy to look at.

the way i feel about _____ isn't the way i feel about anyone else.

i've always seen what i want to see.

i like you. that's all.

i can't believe you stood up for me.

do i even have the right to be angry?

in every life but this one, we would probably be together.

you are such a cure.

this is no time to be afraid.

why won't you look at me?

if you want me, i'm yours.

i used to stare at your mouth so much.

i don't know if i've ever felt so secure with another person. with myself.

i didn't realize this feeling existed. i didn't realize how badly i needed to feel it.

it just felt so good to know you were there.

a few minutes of you would really be enough to keep me going for years.

i don't know where you end and [name] begins.

i didn't realize i was ever unhappy until you made me this happy.

just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't happening.

normalcy is something i can't afford.

be honest: how long did you fancy me before we got together?

it costs nothing to be nice. that's what ____ says.

chaos always begins with peace.

i need to get out of this house.

when are you going to grow up?

you look unreal in [color].

there's nothing to do now but hide and wait.

i love you a lot more than i know how to say.

it's easy to be a hero when you're not around enough to be a villain.

it feels so good to hug you again.

we both have parts to play.

it might be nice if we didn't talk tonight.

i don't want to be anybody's ____. i want to be my own person.

do you want to be safe and secure, or do you want to be happy?

sometimes the best thing to do is the hardest.

i know what loving you can do to a person.

you're so amazing. i don't tell you often enough.

you deserve all the love in the world.

i'll look after you, and you'll look after me.

i'd never be safer with anybody else.

darling, please stop talking.

can we just be happy for a few days, then?

for a little while, it really was bliss.

you have been wonderful all your life.

it's nice to see some life in you.

i'd like to clean the house for you. make you dinner.

i can't wait any longer for you to be brave.

you've existed without me before. you could do it again.

i've seen what being motherless can do to a person.

you are the first and last thing i want, but you are not the only thing.

why are you making small talk with me?

even when there's nothing there, it's so hard to go.

i'm so tired of disappointing you.

i've actually never done this.

i was trying to be another person.

don't rush to figure yourself out.

i've decided never to fall in love again.

i always let myself go too far.

i was always endlessly impressed by you.

before today, i was doing really well.

not everything is a symbol.

i ought to feel guilty, but i don't.

you are the sun. you always have been.

i don't even have the same heart anymore.

you wouldn't love me if you knew me now.

hate me, if you want to hate me. i'd love the attention.

all ____ ever wanted was to disappear.

i wish it was different. i wish i was different.

　　the shine of the stars is condemning, and the hum on the wind whispers what he already knows ; that he's already grated himself broken against the grains of fate. what are the higher ups going to decide? they seem indecisive, scrambling to keep his heart beating at the infirmary, with the intention to stop it again eventually.　( which he assumes is what they intend, probably after extracting any remaining use from him. ) 　maybe they wanted to inspect the anomaly that he is now -- flesh manipulated by cursed energy to resemble a man.　( who knows how functional this construct turns out to be, whether it was built to self-destruct. )

his reply is simple.　" no. "　still a product of his prior existence, words are scarce, optimized to a fault, despite the burning desire to wipe all that away and start from a blank slate, as a human, like he was always meant to. miwa's question is expected, because he's under orders not to exit the main building, but does it matter what he does if the end goal is his demise? there's a sort of ultimatum in his voice, something he can't quite hide because he's so unversed in the instrument of the organic body.

mahito had told him that he's lower than scum. he was right -- the curse-entity is made of the purest compounds compared to himself, shining with a twisted but blinding integrity that stretches his own shadow impossibly far. he has betrayed everything that once gave off any light within him ; the desire to be with everyone ensured that he never can, the desire to live lost him the right to. heroic is a word the heavens themselves keep apart from him now.

he's nevertheless decided on a few things.　he's a fugitive now, honorless and inhuman -- but the beat of his heart feels so good that it drowns out the guilt. the grass beneath his feet, the blush on his cheeks, miwa's voice -- he's numb to regret, like scum. she's alive, it's all that matters. he's lost the right to protect her, but she's alive, and he's still in the same world with her. even if she'll hate him for the rest of time, he wants to live to know it. whether that's love or selfishness, the scum can't tell. the scum has decided he'll live, no matter what. his parents are out there, and so are all the things he missed out on in the years spent in darkness and bandages.

his message haunts the silence between them, undiscussed like a terrible secret, the hum of a train's engine lingering between the words.

　　I survived, but I'm dying. I made a mistake because I'm weak. and I couldn't go through with that mistake, because I'm weak.

　　there was someone I loved.

　　no matter how you do it, if you're happy, my wish will have come true.

there isn't anything he has the right to say anymore.　strange, how he always dreamt to be in the same space with miwa like this, to talk to her, how the mere idea kept him fighting tooth and nail to stay alive. whatever words he chooses now, they're cursed to be selfish and cowardly, and the silence is audacious. he doesn't want to curse her any more than he already has, but he's too weak to resist his desire to be in her presence. leave before they see you with me, he wants to say, but can't.

she wonders briefly who will kill him. she doesn't know of many people who are stronger than mechamaru [ it feels like some unspoken sin to still refer to him by that name when a boy stands in front of her -- not a hollow husk of a human, wires and metal and an unblinking heart ]. she wonders if he will die willingly or if they will hunt him down. she won't ask. anything that she knows will be used against them both : she doesn't think she's brave enough to protect him if push comes to shove. she recalls his voice in her ear, the warmth of him in her hands. she's never been made of the steel he was once forged from.

" oh, " is the whole of her reply for at least a solid beat. she sits beside him on the ground because there is nothing else to do ( or because the other options are too cruel : she can scream for them to come get him or she can walk away . . . all of those options feel too callous for the quiet of the night ). he lays down and the urge to play with his hair is almost overpowering. this is his hair. this is his face. this is mechamaru without the suit of armour. despite it all, he still looks so strong. she can feel the energy overspilling from him. her teeth clamp against her tongue in jealousy. what does she have to be jealous of? he is still, by any measure, a dying boy. this death will just come at the hands of the sorcerers ( she hopes it is not utahime : she will never be able to look at her sensei the same again ).

it's always something with you , isn't it ? it's always an emergency .

look , this is your responsibility .

wow , nice trick . i'm sure you're a hit at parties .

so ... you think you're ready .

i called you . all weekend . where were you ?

okay , we have got to pull you together .

you can't run away hard enough , can you ?

i know where you were all weekend .

life is raw , everybody medicates .

i love you . call me , okay ?

am i hallucinating ?

come on , or you'll miss it .

can i start over ? please .

i'm going to make sure you don't remember a thing .

playing with time is such difficult magic .

don't bother trying to compare yourself .

it's good to be aware the world is blatantly unfair .

it's my fault that they said that .

if you think my family is some sort of advantage , you've been misinformed .

maybe i wouldn't let myself forget .

that was before i knew there was something else .

it's really okay if this is not your thing .

you're hurting yourself , & you're not okay .

i just needed to see if i was right .

we've been watching you for quite a while now .

hello ? do you need help ?

you feel right because you're starting towards your destiny .

for some reason , you're involved . so be involved .

look , hold that thought , okay ?

i'm obviously coming with you .

there's no such thing as safe magic .

what is this place exactly , besides a health hazard ?

you ask a lot of questions .

jesus , you didn't tell me you were dangerous .

it's a little bit bigger than messing up .

there's a bad story every few years around here .

can you just help me live with myself ?

i'm gonna tell you something deep & dark & personal now .

i'm trying to tell you , you are not alone here .

i don't know . i wanna be your friend , i guess .

you should hate me right now .

the last thing i wanted to do growing up was read fantasy .

let's just say life wasn't exactly non-stop fun growing up .

if you're guilty , i'm guilty .

come do something stupid with me before you go .

okay , you know what ? i'm not interested in your personal issues .

this isn't just some lark to me , just so you know .

i mean seriously , what do they expect , you know ?

look , you can't run away from you .

there's nothing i can do in this moment to stop the comet from crashing into the earth , is there ?

i keep trying to tell myself that this is somehow better .

you don't see color & want to go back to black & white .

you can't help , & i can't help you .

what the hell was that , you maniac ?

why would you ever trust anyone ?

i'm willing to teach the right people what i know . & i know a lot .

you're lucky i can fix this .

hey , have you heard of karma ? sometimes it's instant .

i'm generous with you , considering .

get me everything on this list . this week .

why even ask , if you'll just forget it again ?

that's not a real answer .

you're a much better liar than i expected you to be .

do you think you have a destiny ?

there is no destiny . no born heroes .

you can either step up to it or not , that's up to you .

it's always something with you , isn't it ? it's always an emergency .

look , this is your responsibility .

wow , nice trick . i'm sure you're a hit at parties .

so ... you think you're ready .

i called you . all weekend . where were you ?

okay , we have got to pull you together .

you can't run away hard enough , can you ?

i know where you were all weekend .

life is raw , everybody medicates .

i love you . call me , okay ?

am i hallucinating ?

come on , or you'll miss it .

can i start over ? please .

i'm going to make sure you don't remember a thing .

playing with time is such difficult magic .

don't bother trying to compare yourself .

it's good to be aware the world is blatantly unfair .

it's my fault that they said that .

if you think my family is some sort of advantage , you've been misinformed .

maybe i wouldn't let myself forget .

that was before i knew there was something else .

it's really okay if this is not your thing .

you're hurting yourself , & you're not okay .

i just needed to see if i was right .

we've been watching you for quite a while now .

hello ? do you need help ?

you feel right because you're starting towards your destiny .

for some reason , you're involved . so be involved .

look , hold that thought , okay ?

i'm obviously coming with you .

there's no such thing as safe magic .

what is this place exactly , besides a health hazard ?

you ask a lot of questions .

jesus , you didn't tell me you were dangerous .

it's a little bit bigger than messing up .

there's a bad story every few years around here .

can you just help me live with myself ?

i'm gonna tell you something deep & dark & personal now .

i'm trying to tell you , you are not alone here .

i don't know . i wanna be your friend , i guess .

you should hate me right now .

the last thing i wanted to do growing up was read fantasy .

let's just say life wasn't exactly non-stop fun growing up .

if you're guilty , i'm guilty .

come do something stupid with me before you go .

okay , you know what ? i'm not interested in your personal issues .

this isn't just some lark to me , just so you know .

i mean seriously , what do they expect , you know ?

look , you can't run away from you .

there's nothing i can do in this moment to stop the comet from crashing into the earth , is there ?

i keep trying to tell myself that this is somehow better .

you don't see color & want to go back to black & white .

you can't help , & i can't help you .

what the hell was that , you maniac ?

why would you ever trust anyone ?

i'm willing to teach the right people what i know . & i know a lot .

you're lucky i can fix this .

hey , have you heard of karma ? sometimes it's instant .

i'm generous with you , considering .

get me everything on this list . this week .

why even ask , if you'll just forget it again ?

that's not a real answer .

you're a much better liar than i expected you to be .

do you think you have a destiny ?

there is no destiny . no born heroes .

you can either step up to it or not , that's up to you .