KASTLEFEELS

It’s crazy how love works, it’s crazy how love hurts. It’s crazy how “maybe’s” made me think I’m your baby. And I convinced myself i should be first , on your list of to-do’s, I’ve tripped on tied shoes, couldn’t keep my cool, like a baby and drool, I can’t control you... but somehow, someway, I thought I could get you to stay, to sit in one place, but love doesn’t do that. You see? Love’s not controlling, love is unfolding, love is simply molding and continuous growing. Love is life, and life is high, life is constant goodbyes and not knowing why, but love is moving on, and missing what’s gone, it’s calls on the phone and wishing you’re home. Love is confusion, it is an illusion, it’s repeatedly bruising and consistent choosing. Love is all and in it we fall, on the court, love’s the ball, don’t be hesitant and stall. Love love because it hates so well, but it’s always a wondrous about the people we fell for and how we beg for more, how we gave it our all and it left us so poor and reminds us to always be humble and small in a world so big, our own graves we dig, returning to dirt and twigs, through jiving and jigs in a world where love is misunderstood, where we forget that love can be good. We’re so numb to the pain, we don’t notice the rain, or the bodily strain, we don’t even complain. It’s sad. We only acknwledge the bad, not truly present, just past, it all happens so fast, we forget what we have, it becomes what we had, then we blink and we sink, in a sea of old memories and we drown in our sorrow, can’t pay back what we borrow, in dented to tomorrow which never comes.

Give me all, or give me none. I’ll love your flaws too. I value you and understand you’re human and you aren’t perfect; but you’re worth it. But if you’re not all the way in, be all the way out. I’m not here for circles. I’m here to move forward, I don’t want to be stagnant and i certainly don’t want to move backwards. It’s a shame that i have to say this. Who loved you wrong, may i ask? Who failed you? Who hurt you? Who were you before you got your heart broken? Why’d you have to break mine? WHy do i have to pay the fees for someone else’s damages? Does that seem fair? Why hurt someone who loves you? Why abuse innocence? It just doesn’t make any sense. But thank you for letting me be who I am destined to be. Thank you for introducing me to me.

There are things I’ve run away from instead of confronting. I didn’t find them necessary to say amongst others or even out loud. Afraid that if anyone truly heard my thoughts, they’d run away. Judgement has been my worst fear because i know at the end of the human experience i will be judged. Even now in my solitude, in my locked away thoughts i refuse to face the truth. I can’t even bare it. How do you overcome what you won’t even admit to yourself? Afraid to let anyone in because I’ve been betrayed so many times. There are som many elephants in every room i walk into. I used sex to show people i cared. They used me for a good time. I gave everyone everything I’ve ever had because i know these things will no longer matter once the time comes for departure.

I still love you. I don’t know why but i do. I think about you all the time even though you shouldn’t occupy any space in my mind. But I understand now. I’m wiser now, and a tad bit older. You said you’d be there when i needed you, but that was a lie. And though i spent time in hate, I don’t hate you. I never did and I probably never will. And that’s refreshing. To hurt and not hate is power. I am powerful because through all the trials and tribulations, I made it. I am my own testimony. I got trough it. The only way to get to the other side is through, not over but through. And that’s how you grow. I’m growing because I’m getting through it all. And it’s all growing through me. You see? Life isn’t supposed to happen to you. When it happens to you, you get bruised, you get caught up, you get stopped in your tracks; when it happens through you, you feel it and then you get past it. Let life happen through you, not to you.

Beauty created the monster internally and what is internal becomes external. The desire to be beautiful means one doesn’t understand the beauty one already possesses. The external voyage of finding beauty is what causes us to miss the mark, in other words “sin.” The desire to be anything other than your true self causes you to misunderstand your purpose and ultimately lead you to an automatic failure in life— Meaning you’ve missed the mark. Everyone is missing their mark by not knowing their true purpose. This is why we are “born-sinners” because we have been born into chaos that cause us to misinterpret the meaning of our lives.

Will this present moment be the moment be the one that defeats you?