K.A.Mc

So close, yet so far, How these last few days drag, You’ve taken your toll on my body, But it’s the best burden I’ve ever had.

I’m terrified to birth you, But excited for what’s beyond, To be referred to as a mother, From that moment on.

I know I’ve got to teach you, To eat, sit and talk, But you get to teach me, What it feels like to be complete.

Once in a while, I’ll allow myself to look at your Facebook page, The main reason I couldn’t block you, Just delete. I like to look - because sometimes when the doubt creeps in, That I’m perhaps being too harsh on you - It reminds me that I’m not. Your page is old photos, newly uploaded. Captions of your ‘pride’ in kids that you don’t know - in fact they’re not even kids anymore. You throw down your memories online, Like you used to throw down your fist. A facade for your Facebook 'friends’ The ones that don’t know the man behind the screen. How sorry they are for you, for the man who lost his family. How sorry would they feel; For the girl that cowers any time someone raises their voice? For the boy who had to become a man overnight? I hope you pray forgiveness, in your darkest hours when your soul reminds you who you really are. Although I don’t know how much comfort that forgiveness will bring - as you’re asking for it in the wrong place.

It’s a feeling that cannot possibly be put into words, To grow a life; to love that life before it’s really begun.

To look at the man that helped make it, And feel this emotion for him, Beyond lust; beyond love.

To feel so vulnerable yet so open, So willing to sacrifice anything for this child, And for her father.

Nothing else matters.

It’s not like a new chapter starting, It’s like a new book. The other books are irrelevant now, Three main characters, Fast approaching their happily ever after.

The greatest lie ever told, Is that people will treat you the way you treat them.

How many times will I learn this lesson?

Be respectful, Be kind, Be mature… Love.

Just don’t expect anything in return.

Why is it that you only realise what you Had when it’s gone? Does it help you sleep at night, To pretend that it was only him in the wrong?

Jealousy is like a trick of the mind, You pretend you don’t care, But you can’t help but rewind, Memory lane looks dirty these days.

You weren’t even happy, just getting by, So when you hear of his new life, You get so ferocious; why? Keep telling everyone you don’t care. Lie.

They only feel sorry for you; Buy they’re happy for him.

Four years later; finally free, I’ve witnessed first hand, how something sacred ends, But It’s you that’s gone through it, not me.

Was there a flashback of memories, Wedding bells and confetti, First dates, first kisses, first ‘we’

Or did you truly feel nothing, The end of an era, The end of a title; husband, Was it that easy; just to stop loving?

I know you have no regrets, I know you’re happy, I hope this hasn’t put you off; one day… Would you do it all over again, with me?

Oh, to be your wife.

The brutal reality; Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

We’ve barely started; I won’t let us end.

You have fulfilled my every dream, Completed me, made my life whole. Step one was the man; you, Step two was the family; our baby. I know how hard it must have been for you to choose, You’ve done it twice, your whole life lay ahead of you. But you choose me. Over freedom, travelling, money… (Over being alone.) You still choose me. And what a feeling, to know you’re so loved, That someone would change their life so drastically. You underestimate how much I love you. I know now that I underestimated how much you love me. I can’t wait to spend my whole life with you. Well; us three.

I find myself with hands on belly, Soothing circles, gentle squeezes, Even though you’re barely there, I like to think that you can feel it.

How I’ve longed for this time, A child to call mine!

Paramore.

-I’ve been there before because of you. But I still hate to see your heart break and watch as you pathetically try and piece it back together.