Hey there, do you think you could expand on the "apologizing for your actions is not the same as apologizing for your feelings" post? I'm a bit confused by it, but I'd love to learn more! Thank you in advance if you do, it means a lot!
Of course. What I mean is that feelings and actions are two different things.
For example, imagine your friend cancels plans because they got sick. You might feel disappointed, hurt, lonely, or even abandoned. Those feelings are real and valid. You don't need to apologize for having them.
However, if you lash out at your friend, guilt trip them, or send a series of angry messages, those behaviours may deserve an apology even though your feelings were genuine.
I'd also like to look at a different example because sometimes the other person actually did do something wrong.
Imagine your partner lies to you. Feeling hurt, angry, betrayed, or devastated makes sense. In this situation, there is a real problem that needs to be addressed.
But if you respond by screaming, calling them names, threatening them, or trying to hurt them back, those actions may still deserve an apology.
The important thing to remember is that apologizing for your reaction is not the same thing as apologizing for your feelings. Your feelings were still real, and especially in this case, they still deserve being addressed.
Sometimes both things can be true at once. Your partner may need to take accountability for lying. You may need to take accountability for how you reacted. One person's accountability does not erase the other's.
I think a lot of people accidentally turn accountability into an all-or-nothing situation where whoever behaved worse in the moment becomes "the problem." (And honestly, it's a matter of perspective. Both people may think the other behaved worse but the reality is both behaviours should be addressed.) Relationships are much more complicated than that.
You can have a valid reason for being hurt and still owe someone an apology for how you handled that hurt. You can also apologize for your behaviour without dismissing your feelings.
Oof, I went off on a tangent because it triggered a lot of other ideas in my brain, but I hope overall this makes sense!
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