(via bsky)

Someone speaking written finnish in casual day-to-day life usually means one of two things - either the speaker is somewhere on the autism spectrum (not a diagnostic criteria, but one of those "I've never seen a neurotypical person do that" things) or they speak finnish as a second language. And I don't know how to say this without sounding condescending, but I love hearing it, it's so charming. Like you stepped straight out of a 19th century play.

Standing in the line to a public bathroom, there's a man talking on the phone, speaking in finnish with a distinct accent, going "I understand, darling. Love. My love. Beloved, I understand. I understand. I will make my way there. Yes, I understand. I will make my way to you. Two hours."

And it's that thing where you mentally place yourself as the second, auxiliary party to someone else that you consider to be "In Charge" of whatever space or occupation or responsibility you are assigned to

And when you are IN that mindset, it *feels* like you're being responsible. It *feels* like you're being respectful, and helpful, and contributing to the load.

But what you don't SEE- because it *feels* like deference- is that the other person who you're seeing as The Authority you report to- by being assigned that role, has also been assigned the invisible load of BEING YOUR MANAGER.

This is by FAR most commonly seen in husband-and-wife relationships, where the man says, "just tell me what I can do to HELP- you don't have to do it all by yourself, but it's like you won't even tell me when you NEED help. You just do everything and then get mad at me for not doing it first. I can help clean. I can help with the kids. I can help"

But I also see it- and am guilty myself of doing it- at work, at school, in public- that mental, "this is THEIR space, and i will be respectful and helpful to THEM"- without realizing that subservience in this manner isn't actually a good thing. That it actually shifts the burden of responsibility to the other person. That aspect was totally invisible to me.

I didn't understand that when I was told, "if you see something that needs to be done, just DO it", or, "take the initiative", what they ACTUALLY meant was, "I am not above you", or "you have equal say in what kind of environment you want to live or work in", or "I do not want full control over what happens here, I do not want to order you around, I do not want to be in charge, what I WANT is to co-command WITH you"

Being in The Assigned Authority position NOW, that is all so much clearer.

I am the senior member of my team at work, and now, every time I train a newbie, every time I finish catching them up to speed and giving them a list of everything that needs to be done, my next big hurdle seems to always be, "now take pride in the space when I'm not around". "Now don't assume I'll tell you when something is due or what orders to plan things in".

Now, having been on both sides of the struggle, I can appreciate the sticking points here

TO THE PERSON "IN CHARGE": The person deferring to you doesn't understand the invisible labor you're doing. They genuinely believe you know more, you WANT more, you see things they don't, and that they are being respectful and good by staying out of your way and waiting on your orders. THAT is the bit that's not clicking.

TO THE PERSON "WANTING TO HELP": "Help" implies that you are providing assistance to a problem that belongs to somebody else. Stop thinking like that. Understand that the problem belongs to BOTH of you equally, and consider what kind of shared space you BOTH want. What is your SHARED GOAL? Not THEIR goal, but a goal that belongs to you too. Own your space.

This is not a Commander-Lieutenant problem. This is a Partnership problem.

Typically Officers, Managers, and Team Leads get *paid* a whole lot more to specifically take ownership of their space. The buck ($$$) stops there, at the top, with the people who get paid to command the ship.

I use to get paid to be the Captain. Sure I wanted things to be equitable in my office, under my command, and I treated my Soldiers as equals.

Which in hind sight I realized was a fucked up thing to do. Since it wasn't their job, they didn't get paid to do it, and it wasn't their responsibility. It was mine.

You can't just subvert a hierarchy by pretending its not there. That just makes you a shitty abusive boss. But you're still the boss.

Fortunately I eventually realized that no one was making me be the boss but myself. So I quit.

Now I make minimum wage and I have a manager that tells me what to do. I don't really need her to, I'm smart enough to figure it out without her direction. But I don't get paid to think.

I didn't think to mention this because I'm *not* anybody boss- when I train new people, it's to work WITH me. The wage will be the same. I've refused promotion because it's more trouble to manage people than the money would be worth to me.

But your wife ISN'T receiving extra benefits for managing the housework. Your roommate ISN'T getting a discount on the rent for reminding you there's laundry in the washer.

how measurements work in canada (ie/ badly)

they dont look gay to me

but if theyre gay theyll be so boring

i just dont like the idea of them being gay it doesnt fit their character

the creator didnt explicitly say they were gay

oh they did? well that doesnt count they didnt say they were gay in the media so its not canon

i just dont see them as gay

im not homophobic its just that my first reaction when someone suggests they may be gay is to do everything in my power to disprove it

yeah the media hinted and made it clear through their lack of interest in women at every flirtation and through merch and their own words on their expirience/other people who know them incredibly well hinting at it but they didnt say the word gay

i dunno i heard the creator was gonna pair them up with a woman eventually. where? go do your research

i just think theyre wasting a lot of potential if theyre making them gay

theyd be so much more interesting if they werent gay

but look at the way they look at their female bestie CLEARLY theyre not gay

making them explicitly gay would ruin the fun for fandom so i hope its never outright confirmed

Then i scrolled far enough to see the last line

Grey-headed albatross chicks