anna’s haven

he'd proposed right there in the hospital room, even before they'd had the chance to discharge her. Shoko and Suguru were off somewhere, if she had to guess, he was likely keeping her company while she smoked. she was snacking on a pudding cup from lunch, happy to finally have something sweet (she would only later realize that Gojo was rubbing off on her) when he'd blurted it out, out of the blue.

“i want to marry you. do you?”

he hadn’t even been looking at her, eyes fixed on his fidgety fingers.

“huh?”

there had been no ring. no big speech. he hadn't even gotten down on one knee. it wasn't how she had ever imagined getting proposed to but there was just something about how messy his hair was, how dishevelled his clothes were and how he looked like sleep escaped him.

in all her years of knowing him, Gojo Satoru had been nothing if not calm and collected, even in the face of trouble.

but seeing him then, like he could probably fall over if pushed even just a little, there was this air of vulnerability she knew he didn’t show everybody. or anybody at all.

besides her, that is

to think she'd ever see him be beside himself all because of her.

without a doubt in her mind then, she’d said yes.

Gojo’s almost in disbelief at the question and she doesn't blame him. it‘s a wild assumption anyway considering how much he makes it a point to tell her every day that he loves her.

she thinks he might hold a small grudge against her for saying the three words first.

still, a tiny voice in the back of her mind tells her that it really doesn’t mean much. who’s to say love won’t fail?

“just a thought” she murmurs in response.

they go back to watching the cartoon he’s put on. one of the older episodes of shin-chan.

“you know i love you, right?”

she almost doesn’t hear it. his voice is so low, so gentle that it blends with the show.

he’s looking at her again. this time not in disbelief. no. his eyes are softer too.

“i know”

their locked eyes speak volumes of what their lips can't, an effortless communication that surpasses words.

“you don’t” he simply tells her.

in a swift movement, he uses the remote to turn off the television and swamps them in darkness.

his hands seek hers out and he places one of her open palms on his chest.

“my heart beats like crazy anytime you're near”

indeed, his heart palpitations are a bit erratic, she notes.

“Satoru-”

“i’ve loved you since high school”

the confession quickly shuts her up.

“i was a dumb kid. i didn't know how to get you to notice me so i just stuck to teasing you to get your attention. it made me happy, when you would look at me with those pretty eyes for all those five seconds you would yell, even if they were filled with rage. at least, you looked at me”

he pauses to let out a short laugh at the memory of the antics of his younger self.

“seeing you that night on that cold floor, covered in blood, scared me. terrified me. it’s been three months and i still can't stop thinking about it. just the idea of you being gone is daunting. i know i don't want to do this life without you, Hime”

it sure is a miracle that he can't see her. can't see how the tears are pouring rapidly down her face.

who would've thought that she would have, by some twist of fate, Gojo Satoru, the same junior who made fun of her pigtails and had made it his mission to annoy her daily, here in her living room, professing his love for her?

“Satoru…”

her voice gives her away and he cups her cheek almost immediately, making quick work of wiping at her tears.

“so you see” there's a slight pep in his voice now. “i can't possibly get cold feet. not when i’ve loved you so for all these years”

she wants to say it back. she really does. but an ‘i love you’ simply won't do. not after all he's said. it sounds too cheap and it’s not enough to quantify all she feels in her heart.

so she hugs him.

she doesn't need to say anything. he understands.

the wedding is a month after that. a small gathering of friends and family, loved ones who wish nothing but the absolute best for the couple.

their friends all have smiles on their faces and Gojo can swear that he sees Shoko and Geto sneak off together right after the ceremony. he decides to keep their rendezvous to himself.

that doesn't mean much though because it’s proven, once again, at the reception that a drunk man has no secrets.

they're dating. his two best friends.

Shoko and Geto.

the news only makes him happier.

and then finally, when he and Utahime share their first dance as a married couple, she leans in and tells him a secret that she too has kept for a long time.

“i was the one who ate the watermelon gummies”

the word looms over him. repeating itself over and over in his head like a broken record. he wants to cry but no tears spring up.

“Suguru will be here at first light” Shoko continues. “we’ll be right here if anything happens. you just go get some rest”

a nurse comes into the hallway and his eyes follow her, hoping that, just maybe, she might have some news about Utahime.

his shoulders sag though when she walks past him like she hadn't even seen him.

“please” Shoko adds and then he finally looks at her.

her eyes are redrimmed, just like his he's sure and her makeup is gone. she'd been crying too.

“okay”

the trip back to Utahime’s is a long one. by chance, he gets a cab and the driver can't even hide his blatant stares through the rearview mirror. he doesn't blame him though. anybody seeing him must surely think he's some kind of lunatic, walking around with blood all over him.

her apartment isn’t any better either. there are no piercing eyes, yes but it’s all so ‘her’ that it’s a bit too much at the moment.

he takes a shower anyway. the dried blood had started to disgust him.

he watches as the now reddish water goes into the drain. his fingers deftly work the shampoo into his hair.

her shampoo.

her scent. a mix of berries and vanilla that reminded him of their last group trip to okinawa. they hadn't been together then but even Geto, the ever-loving idiot had caught on to just how much he liked her and had teased him relentlessly about it.

he doesn't even realize he's crying again until his face starts to feel heated.

~

the beeping noise is constant and annoying.

this is what stirs her from her sleep.

the lights are bright too and she winces when she opens her eyes. her head is throbbing and so is her abdomen but it’s a bearable pain. she must be on painkillers now.

she sees a slight movement from the corner of her vision and her eyes dart to it in a panic.

it’s just Gojo. she relaxes when she sees him.

he's asleep, sitting on a stool but his head is resting on the edge of the bed. he looks peaceful.

she takes in his features. his eyes look a bit sunken in and there's a slight frown on his lips. her mood drops a bit, that she's the reason he's even this way.

his frown deepens when a few stray hairs brush against his eyelashes and he twitches in his sleep. she reaches tentatively to brush his hair away but when she's just a fraction away from him, he suddenly grabs her roughly, startling her.

“f*ck you scared me!” she exclaims, placing a hand on her palpitating chest.

the incessant beeping that's now erratic is proof of just how much he had frightened her.

“you're awake,” he simply says, a hint of an unnamed emotion in his voice.

“yeah well-”

the rest of what she has to say dies on her lips when he engulfs her in a hug. it’s tight and warm and although the pain in her abdomen gets a bit worse, she doesn't mind. not when he's wrapped around her like this.

“you missed me huh?” she tries to tease him but her throat feels parched and the dehydration hits her.

he can tell because he frantically reaches for the jug on the bedside and fills up a cup for her.

when she's had her fill, she smiles at him. he doesn't smile back but instead, he looks at her in amazement. like she'd just told him she was a fire-breathing unicorn.

he pulls her into another hug shortly after, like he really can't believe that she's real. she's awake.

“how-”

“don't” he cuts her off.

don't? don't speak? is that what he meant?

“you-”

“don't do that again” he completes. “try to be a hero. please don't. i can’t-”

this time, it’s a sob that racks out of him.

“i’m sorry” she whispers, hands caressing his back.

“please” he begs once more and she nods.

“i won’t”

they stay that way for a few minutes. she lets him cry it all out. it must’ve been hard for him, seeing her bleed out that way. he really did try his best. she believes he did. and she lets him know again.

“you did so good, Satoru. so, so good” she coos into his ear. “thank you for saving me”

Shoko, who had gone to pick up some late breakfast and meet up with Geto at the station, and the aforementioned man find them that way when they return.

he makes a noise of disbelief, raising an eyebrow at her. they both know she's lying but she'd sooner be damned than admit it so she just flips him off and stalks to the fridge.

there's no bite to it, he knows this. he doesn't bother following her, instead opting to go to the candy aisle. he’ll be sure to stock up her place for his next visit.

it’s only been three months since she finally gave in to his endless demand to take her out on a date. she'd been in tokyo on business but had branched in to see shoko and he couldn't resist. she just looked so pretty in the white sundress she had worn then, an angelic aura to her that the white bow on her head complimented.

he'd pestered her for all the five hours that she'd been there until finally, she’d snapped and agreed to go on a date with him.

“so you'll finally buzz off”

she'd said that but he knew she must've liked him too. she'd never been one to ever be cajoled into something. his suspicion had only been confirmed when she'd come out to meet him a week later, her hair done and her face beet red.

he still makes it a point to tease her about it every once in a while.

his hand that has been perusing the sweets selection stops on a pack of watermelon-flavored gummies.

Utahime likes these.

he knows this because the last time he’d left some at her place, they'd magically disappeared on his next visit. she'd denied ever eating them of course but the mischievous smile she had when she thought he wasn't looking gave her away. like a kid who played sick to skip school.

“adorable” he mutters, putting two bags of the gummies into the basket he’d picked up from the front.

the door opens then but he pays it no mind, instead dropping some more unhealthy candy into his basket.

his mistake.

there's a shift in the air but he feels it before he hears it.

two bangs.

gunshots.

his basket falls with a clatter to the floor as the door is reopened and someone is heard running out.

he's running as well.

he ought to go after the perpetrator. he knows. yet still, he only just wants to find Utahime. he wants to know she's safe.

the cash register is opened when he gets to the front and there's barely any money left in it. the cashier is staring at him wide-eyed and the bottles of beer that were on the counter have fallen and broken, the brown liquid in them pouring out.

he doesn't care though.

his eyes are on the girl who is also on the floor.

“…Hime?”

his legs can't seem to move anymore and he's just rooted to the spot, arms tucked to his side and eyes wide as well.

“she tried to stop him. She didn't know…” the cashier starts but he's not even listening.

“Utahime!” another voice calls.

it takes him a moment to register that it’s his voice and another for him to realize that he's now kneeling beside her.

it seems foreign. what he's seeing. what he's doing. like a fever dream. an out-of-body experience.

she's bleeding out. fast.

he presses his palms to the wound but his hands just get coated with the thick red fluid.

“S-Satoru” she calls him weakly.

“shhh. save your strength” he tells her, applying more pressure.

he wishes Shoko was here. she would know what to do. she would. what had she told him then when she was talking about first aid? why hadn't he been listening?

he tries to think back to the lengthy (and boring) discussion she had with him, hoping he'd remember but he comes up short.

damn it!!

why hadn't he been listening then?! why was his brain so useless now??!

“you should see your face now” her low voice comes again and he tears his gaze away from his hands to look at her.

she's smiling and even though he knows it’s her attempt to console him, it tears at his heart even more.

“don't talk” he repeats.

she needs to save her energy. why can't she understand that?

“I need to tell you”

one of her hands comes up to lie atop his on her midsection.

her purple sweater now is almost completely soaked.

“Hime please…”

his vision is blurred and he tries desperately to blink it away. he needs to keep his eyes on her.

“you've tried your best” she coos.

“no! shut up”

he refuses to hear any of what she has to say. he knows where this is going and he doesn't like it one bit.

he'd sworn to Shoko and Suguru and even Nanami(?) to protect her. he'd do just that. what good would that promise be if he just let her go now?

“call the ambulance!!” he roars to the trembling cashier who replies that he's done just that.

“they're on their way, Hime. hang on a bit, okay? help is on the way”

he cradles her face with one hand and the other keeps pressing down on her.

“Satoru”

her voice is sad and his heart rate increases.

he knows.

she's not going to make it.

“tell them you tried your best”

“shut up!” he yells at her and now he's crying.

he's never yelled at her before. not even once. and now he has and it’s at the worst time possible.

“please just stop talking” he pleads, resting his forehead on her chest.

“Satoru” her hands, blood-smeared, cup his face so he can look at her.

“i love you”

his heart shatters even more. for years, he'd dreamed of the day he’d hear her tell him these three words. the same three words he'd planned on saying on their 100th day anniversary later that week.

is this how it would end?

no.

she wouldn't make a liar out of him.

he refuses to accept this.

“screw it. I’ll meet them halfway!”

he scoops her up in his arms, never mind that his clothes are getting bloodied, and bolts out of the store and down the street.

he doesn't go very far before he's met with the ambulance.

the paramedics seem to understand him because they clamber out of the vehicle and get right into action.

when she's left his arms is when he finally breaks down.

he falls to his knees, too weak to even stand, and just lets it all out. fat tears fall down his face like a rivulet and he has snot running down his nose too but he doesn't care.

he doesn't care that there are passers-by watching. he doesn't care that the cashier from the store is now rubbing his back in an attempt to console him. he doesn't care that the paramedics have now stopped wheeling her away and are now all gathered beside her.

he's too deep in his head that he almost doesn't notice the thumbs-up one of them gives him

he was in trouble.

he liked her face, all red and flushed, as upset as she was. he liked it a whole lot more than he was aware he ought to.

“senior? not when you’re this tiny”

he couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him when she started scolding him about manners with Shoko trying to calm her down and Suguru, who had materialized beside him, doing absolutely nothing to help.

though she was yelling her heart out, he knew, somehow, that she would be in his life for a long time.

maybe even forever.

he truly felt spring then.

the weather was warmer. the trees were greener. the air was cleaner. everything felt alive. vibrant. the sun’s warm rays felt unbelievably fantastic on his skin and the birds above chirped away merrily.

he never acknowledged any of these things before. he thought them to be trivial. unimportant.

but as the cherry blossoms on the trees all around them bloomed, so did something else in his heart, something so small yet so deeply seated.

a liking for the older girl before him.

the summer was about to end.

school would begin soon. he hated it. he hated just how short the break was. hated that he would have to get back to killing curses soon.

but there was one thing he didn't completely hate.

“the fireworks will begin soon” Geto coolly said, holding up his lighter for Shoko to use on her unlit cigarette.

“i’ll go find Utahime” he volunteered, though no one asked of her.

she wandered off with nanami a while ago but he wanted more than anything to watch it with her.

there were all sorts of people at the summer festival they had gone too. a lot of couples too.

he didn't walk for long before he found her.

she was alone.

“takoyaki?” he offered, extending the plate of fried batter to her.

he knew she liked it. it was all she could talk about when Shoko had asked her to tag along with them. that and the fireworks show happening at the peak of the festival.

that was why he wanted to watch it with her.

more specifically, he wanted to watch her. wanted to share something she found so special with her. even if she had no idea of his plans.

she eyed him suspiciously, presumably confused as to why he was being so nice to her when he usually taunted her until she turned as red as a cherry.

“take it while i’m still feeling kind” he added, so as not to give himself away.

she just rolled her eyes but took one anyway.

“why’re you alone? nanami had enough of you?”

“no!” she vehemently denied, not caring about her full mouth.

her denial let him know that he was somewhat right. nanami was too polite to ever say something like that but with haibara’s death weighing down on him in particular, it wouldn't be too far off to say that he didn't want to be around people.

it was a wonder how shoko even convinced him to show up in the first place.

“right” he deadpanned, a hint of a tease in his tone and she huffed, taking another ball of takoyaki.

“oh, it’s time!” a girl beside him squealed and that got his attention.

he looked up and indeed the fireworks show had started, with a few being set off already.

he neither had the time nor the opportunity to process what was happening before Utahime grabbed his hand.

she held it. more specifically, his wrist.

she took off running and he had no choice but to follow.

“w-where are we going?” he managed to get out, despite his brain quickly turning into mush from the sudden skinship.

he was panicked.

he didn't want her to realize what had happened. how he had no infinity up around her like he did everyone else (save for Geto and Shoko). how he was burning red at just the touch of her hand. how he was quickly losing awareness of his surroundings just because she held him.

he was hyper-aware of her palm enclosed around his wrist. he could feel it all. every ridge, every bump. it was hot. like she was burning her print on him.

he couldn't say it would be unpleasant if she did.

much too soon, she stopped at a clearing of some sort, a ways from the crowd of people, and let him go.

“there's a better view here,” she told him with a kind of smile that made his heart go into overdrive.

surely, she couldn't have been smiling at him.

“huh?” he blurted out but before she could even begin to answer him, another firework exploded into brilliant colors in the dark sky, taking her attention.

he watched her throughout the show, carefully taking in every single fraction of every reaction she gave to it.

her yukata, baby pink and blue, was a wonderful contrast to her fair skin. her hair, though still left in her signature ponytails, somehow made her look far younger than she actually was now. maybe it was the childlike beam on her face, so bright and dazzling that it rivaled the flashing lights.

he took a secret joy in being the person to see her like this.

not Nanami. not Geto and certainly not Shoko.

just him.

he only moved his gaze once there was nothing but darkness around them.

“you are such a kid, Utahime,” he told her, grateful she couldn't see his own growing smile in the dark of night.

no, he couldn't possibly hate this.

the fall came with a sad rush.

Geto had defected.

he’d been slowly suffering silently and had just finally snapped and massacred an entire village of nonsorcerers.

Gojo Satoru had been none the wiser.

he didn't know what hurt more. that he had been so oblivious to his best friend’s agony. or that his only friend couldn’t even confide in him until the very end.

just thinking about it made his chest throb painfully.

exhausted, he placed his arm lazily over his eyes, shielding them from the sun.

he'd only been in that position for a little over five minutes when he felt something cold be pressed against his cheek.

“got some time?” Utahime, the guilty party, asked, an eyebrow raised.

she‘d brought an extra can of cola alongside her beer and she held it out to him, which he accepted.

she had a small smile on her face but there was no hint of amusement in her features.

“sure” he mumbled and she took a seat beside him under the shade of the tree that was quickly browning in the autumn season.

they sat in a natural silence.

she peacefully sipped on her drink, eyes following the falling leaves in a sort of childlike amazement. he, on the other hand, held onto the can, though its coldness was biting and his fingers would go numb soon.

maybe he would feel something other than the hurt in his heart.

“how are you doing…really?” she started, carefully, like she was thinking about her every word.

he didn't answer. he couldn't. what could he possibly say? that he was anguished?

even the thought of it almost made him laugh.

Geto Suguru, his friend Suguru, had completely caught him by surprise and gone rogue. that's all there was to it. all he was feeling towards it was immaterial at the moment. he knew that very soon, he would get the call and he would have to hunt down the one person he once considered a brother.

the one he still considered a brother.

“yeah, it was a stupid question,” she thought out loud and laughed a bit.

she was a bit different, he noticed, now that she wasn't a student anymore.

her hair was out of the pigtails and now in a half-up half-down style with a bow to finish it off. her eyes didn’t glow like they used to back when he had first met her. the only thing that didn’t change was her miko outfit and that too didn’t look quite the same.

she looked almost…sad.

he wanted to ask if she was okay. wanted to ask how she had been doing. wanted to ask how teaching in the same school she had attended was. but he just couldn’t get the words out.

“we’ve really never been friends, you know…?” she muttered, taking another sip of her drink.

a gust of wind blew and shook up the tree so some more leaves fell out of it. a few landed on his white hair and she gingerly picked them out while she continued talking.

“but i’m here. right here” she paused to take a breath. “if ever you want to talk”

she placed her hand on top of his for just a fraction of a second before retracting it.

“anytime” she added and he finally met her eyes.

his sunglasses were nowhere to be found and she was able to see how redrimmed his six eyes were. able to see how actually bothered he had been about the whole ordeal.

she feared he would be next. feared he would snap next. that they would lose him too.

he knew it took a lot for her to offer him such comfort. she didn’t exactly hide her distaste for him. no, he wouldn’t take her up on her offer. but hearing those words from someone he trusted as much as her, it made him feel just the tiniest bit better.

“please”

or maybe he would.

the winter was biting.

his lips were numb and he knew that if it wasn't for the cherry lip balm in the pocket of his coat, they would be chapped too.

Gojo Satoru shook off the snow that had piled on his shoes and stuffed his hands into his pockets too. he was sure that if he stood outside for an extra minute or two, he would be well on his way to being the first-ever human popsicle.

“i’m here!” a feminine voice called and he whipped his head around so fast that he almost got whiplash.

Utahime, swaddled in a large coat, a thick scarf, and even mittens, pranced down the street to the white-haired man with a scowl on his face.

“did you wait long?” she asked him once she was close enough.

“yes. i’m all frozen” he sulked like a kid, dramatically sighing.

“sorry. my mom wouldn't let me go”

she hooked her arm with his, giving him the most apologetic smile she could muster.

“warm me up with a kiss?”

she flushed a bright red, eyes darting all around them to see if anybody had heard them.

“we’re outside” she pointed out and he laughed like she'd said the funniest thing ever.

“no one cares, Hime”

with that, he leaned down and placed a quick kiss on her lips, further flustering her.

“hey!”

her scolding only made him laugh even more.

they continued on the way to Shoko’s apartment where they were supposed to meet up with the others without any other incidents, just catching up on all that had been going on in their lives.

it was only when they got there that he turned to give her the most mischievous smile.

“what is it now?” she asked him, exasperated with all his antics.

he only pointed upwards and mouthed,

“mistletoe”

Nanami, Shoko and Ijichi had been busy decorating the tiny apartment with seasonal props when they heard a very loud