Thea, the cosmic dancer

People are Cruel

I’ve been Cruel to people people have been Cruel to me but mostly I’ve been Cruel to myself.

I’m so hard on myself I’m a perfectionist. If I don’t do things perfectly instantly I start beating myself up mentally.

I don’t know how to receive a compliment, to be honest..compliments piss me off because I don’t think I deserve them. That’s a lot of pressure I put on myself. It’s a difficult situation. It’s Cruel.

Even now as I’m writing this I’m thinking ‘this is all crap and I’m never gonna be a good writer’. But I’m used to that, I’m used to feeling unsatisfied with everything I do. As sad as that sounds, having this judging version of me always by my side, it makes me do the best I can in everything I do and I’m always trying to find ways to do things even better.

I’m not struggling, I’m just constantly competing with myself and it excites me, it keeps me moving forward.

Cruelty is all around everywhere. There’s no way of escaping it. I’m always gonna see it hear it feel it.

What I decide to do with it changes everything.

It’s always gonna affect me in some way. But I can either  let it break me down or I can let it make me stronger.

The cruelty I got from other people, it changed me, I took it so personally.

When I was 5 years old in kindergarten, all the girls were scared of the boys, they would run after us.

So every time the boys came, the girls screamed. 

I remember I was terrified of the boys, they would pull my hair and push me over. Nobody did anything about it. What an odd game to play at 5 years old.

When I was 10 years old kids made fun of me. They called me names. I was different, had big curly hair, body so skinny I was called ‘skeleton’. I didn’t feel like I was allowed to be myself.

I had to fit in. Be like everybody else.

When I was 12 years old the girls ignored me. I wasn’t there, I didn’t exist, I wasn’t welcome, I wasn’t good enough. I thought I was a total loser. Nobody wanted to talk to me or spend time with me.

I thought, nobody wanted me there or anywhere.

When I was 16 years old I felt pressure to start dating. I met a guy online he seemed nice I wasn’t ready for a relationship I wasn’t ready for anything I just wanted something innocent but that didn’t exist in his mind.

Cuz on the second date 

he raped me.

For a few years I felt broken, I was shy, insecure, scared, depressed, unsure.

Because I didn’t understand humans

behavior feelings thoughts.

All of a sudden the world seemed like such a complicated place. All this cruelty, I felt surprised. Being a young girl living in a country that was usually so safe so quiet.

I started to build up these walls around me, to protect me from everyone and everything. The walls were sadness cold attitude straight face no smile eye contact that made you feel unwelcome. I didn’t trust anyone, if someone got too close I pushed them away, I pushed them so far away from me. I thought it would protect me but it didn’t, it only hurt the people around me.

But then someone reminded me of that person I was trying to protect with these walls I had built. The person I used to be, the happy little girl. I had been so focused on protecting her. I forgot to let her breathe see hear sing dance laugh smile shine.

She had been back there this whole time hiding suffocating.

Now I’m slowly letting her out. I’m letting her shine through my eyes my voice my attitude my fingers.

For the last couple of months for the first time ever, I feel strong, I feel like I’m enough. I don’t have to be anything but myself. I’ve found balance, I feel comfortable, I’m not scared anymore.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

But people are Cruel I’ve been Cruel to people people have been Cruel to me and mostly I’ve been Cruel to myself.

There’s no way of escaping it but we can decide to not let it break us down. We can use it as a tool to make us stronger. But it’s not gonna be easy, it’s never easy. From time to time we’ll have to let our emotions out. Some might think it’s not necessary but to me it is necessary.

I think it’s important to let ourselves be vulnerable angry hurt confused.

Cuz these are the emotions we usually don’t let out, the ones we keep locked away the ones that we’re ashamed of the ones that make us look crazy but are the ones that need freedom.

That’s the purpose of my song ‘Cruel’ it’s your chance to let go.