closed. sorry.

I'm nearly 7 thousand dollars in debt. This is partly because I was not making enough money to support myself financially, and partly because I've made a lot of colossally idiotic decisions. I have spent money on some of the most frivolous shit and I will own up to it. In the summer of last year, my s.o. of almost 7 years broke up with me with the reasons that I owed him money (money that I paid back) that he couldn't "deal with my anxiety and depression" (all I could ever want was support or understanding) and that we " couldn't agree on the same conversation topics" and that he'd been feeling this way for years. He'd asked me to live with him at the end of 2015, so it was devastating to know I'd packed my life up only to be tossed away. I don't know if these are true reasons or not but I feel like I never got the closure I deserved. I found out he'd become friends again with a person who had conned us out of money and friendship, someone who had openly admitted to having a crush on him *while I was still dating him*. I am unhealthy. I can't afford dental insurance and I have at least 3 abscesses, and almost all of my teeth are probably beyond repair. I've been living with these abscesses for many many months and it will come back to bite me in the ass. I am overweight and I barely do anything about it, despite constantly telling myself and knowing I need to. I don't actually know if I have health insurance, I haven't checked my account since last summer when I was told it was terminated by a pharmacy, but was still getting billed. I don't know if I owe money or not. I think my cat is sick, because she cannot jump up on things properly very recently and I'm scared to find out what it is. I don't even know if I will be able to pay a vet bill if I had to take her. I've pushed away some of the most important people in my life through my own cowardice and stupidity, and I would not blame them at all if they wanted to stay the fuck away from me. I honestly feel like I am not good for anyone because I consistently do and say things that are just not good. I just want them to know how sorry I am and maybe it's not some big thing but it feels like it to me. I've started so many apologies but it just never felt like enough. I hate that I'm scared of what they'll say. I want them to know how sorry I am. I'm just so sorry. I woke up at 3:30 this morning because of a dream and a loud crash from my cat falling and went to ask for someone to talk to in a chat and fucked up. I'm so lonely that I said some things that were out of line and will probably mess up any chance I had at reconciling with some of the most important people I've had in my life. My parents don't even know anything about my money or just exactly how bad my depression is. They don't know how often I think of just ending it and I will probably never tell them because the last time I told them I had depression they brushed it off and got mad that I would even think I had it bad. They are constantly telling me to get a better job and to go back to school and I know they honestly think they mean well but I hate and resent them so much sometimes. I'm not looking for any response to this. I needed to get this out because it's killing me to keep it in. I want to get better but I also don't. I just want to stop hurting all the time. I don't care how it happens.

i cant even afford to buy myself food at the moment

i kind of just want to die

im like considering leaving all my discord groups and honestly deleting this tumblr and everything because i feel like people would be better off without me

if anyone really really needs to contact me send me a pm for my discord I guess