The Kaizen System

He's resting easy now, free from all pain.

This is the end of this blog.

TW: I'm going to be very dark for a moment.

I'm having a really hard time. To be honest I think I'm probably at my lowest.. ever. I don't think I've ever been this depressed and suicidal. Not even when I attempted in the past. It's worse now. Everything is worse now. I think about dying every single second of the day and it's taking all my strength not to act on it. I'm so tired. Nothing is helping. I don't have therapy at the moment because my therapist is not available for personal reasons. I don't know what to do and how to get out of this. I'm so exhausted from trying to be alive. I don't know how much longer I can last.

Just really.. really not doing well at the moment

I’m no longer in the Netherlands, I’m now back in Germany & I’ll be leaving for Japan on the 6th. Seriously travelling during Covid-19 times is EXHAUSTING, don’t do it if you can avoid it somehow. I did stay with a good friend & made the whole thing a bit more enjoyable, but the #1 reason for my travel was work because I had to meet up with a few people for a future collaboration and my boss was basically like “you already had the virus, you go”. 

Beside me having a high count of antibodies (yes I did get tested for that before Ieft to travel to Europe), we made sure to keep to ourselves & keep our distance from others. Germany is similar to South Korea at the moment. Everyone wears masks. They have to. The Netherlands are a completely different story though (which is why I kind of snapped at the person blaming me for coming to their country). There are no laws about wearing masks in the Netherlands (except for public transport & in specific towns with higher numbers of Covid-19 cases). 

After my meeting we spent 2 weeks in the very southern part of the Netherlands. I’d say about 5% of people wore masks. And like 0,5% of people kept their distance from others. My girlfriend & I were so confused. It was like we left earth and entered a different world where Covid-19 doesn’t exist. So.. we kept our distance. Never ate out. Wore masks everywhere we went, had hand sanitizers on us 24/7. That being said, there weren’t too many people around and it was easy to keep to ourselves. 

It’s midnight now & I’m going to post a little “mental health update” tomorrow.  Just a small spoiler: As a system, we’re not doing well at the moment. At all. And spending 2 weeks with my friend & her father who kept yelling didn’t help. Meh.

Tbh we're literally the only ones wearing masks, keeping our distance from others & using hand sanitizers. I don't think we're the ones you should worry about.

That being said, I traveled to Germany & the Netherlands for work, not leisure. I'm just also using this time to meet a friend & relax a bit.

(I also can't even contract Covid 19 anymore because I have a high count of antibodies. I already had the virus back in april)

Sometimes I think we dealed with something pretty well until much later it turns out that we just dissociated from it rather than getting over it.

A lot of people in Germany seem to be under the impression that Chinese, Korean and Japanese are basically the same language. They can’t even tell them apart when looking at the written language.