Kaime

Proud to be a Kiwi today. Beautiful dawn ANZAC service this morning!

Im getting a bit frustrated with my lack of visiable improvemtn in my body. My weight has not changed one bit, my measurements dont appear to have changed much but only maybe 1cm here or there. That can change overnight though depending on what ive eaten. I just feel like there should be more change at this point. Ive been working hard at this since the 1st of Jan. I should have noticed body change by now. 

Ont he plus side, my fitness and strength has improved. I can dead lift a half decent amount but still a beginner. I cant get my squat right to be able to progress to doing squats with the barbell but i know i have to get technique right before i can work on strength. 

​Ive had my specialist appointment and biopsy. 

The specialist did not fill me with confidence. He first said that if this was anything bad then the symptoms would not come and go like they do. I know this not to be true for Pagets disease and the symptoms do come and go early on. 

When he asked about family history, i told him about my dad and my mum filled in the blanks. He told my mum male breast cancer is very rare and there's no need to worry. This is despite the fact my dad's specialist does believe it to be breast cancer and also told my parents that given my symptoms and my dads diagnosis, im incredibly high risk. 

Anyway, he took a look, said my nipple is slightly inverted and initially said he wasn't sure about ding a biopsy as my symptoms are not at the worst at the moment.  told him i wanted a biopsy. 

He spoke with my mum again, asked a few more questions about my dad and grandma and then did the biopsy. He took two punch biopsy's. OMG the needle going into numb it was soooo painful. I actually yelled out in pain, then promptly apologized. Oh gosh it hurt. The punch biopsy itself didnt, the stitches didnt but my nipple and breast are now very very sore. 

Mum and dad have offered to pay the bill for me. Im really uncomfortable with this. Ive always paid my own way so this is a hard thing for me to accept. My symptoms are getting worse and im finding it really hard to ignore them. My work is suffering and im starting to get in trouble for not being up to scratch on things. 

Mum and dad feel this is just as stressful for them and are adamant they want to pay. Ive accepted the offer. 

I will see the surgeon next Tuesday and am told by the nurse that i will have the biopsy on the same day. 

Im going to drop off my referral letter and ultrasound report to them tomorrow. 

So im waiting to find out if i have breast cancer. I have an appointment through the public health system (free) on the 10th of December with a surgeon. 

Now i dont know if at that appointment i will have a biopsy or if i will have to come back on another day for it. 

I have the option of seeing a surgeon privately on 25/11/14 (not free, approx $450 out of pocket). I dont know if on that day i would have a biopsy on that day or have to come back. 

My Dilemma. If i go privately and dont have the biopsy on the day then the likelihood is that by the time i get a biopsy my free appointment will have come up. On the other hand i could wait until the free appointment and find that i dont have the biopsy on the day and have to wait. Given that its getting very close to x-mas by that point i may or may not get a biopsy before x-mas. 

I havnt been particularly nice to my body. I wont go into details but i havnt treated it well. I feel like its paying me back for everything ive put it through

In addition to all of the icky breast/nipple/areola symptoms ive been having which have lead to the breast ultrasound and referral to surgeon to rule out breast cancer, i also have a confirmed diagnosis of hidradenitis suppurativa. The medical world isnt 100% sure what causes HS but the current theory is that its an autoimmune disease. It started a little over a year ago, not long after i came off my depo provera. My first symptom was a nasty as boil in my groin. Then another on popped up, then another. It was very very painful and i ended up going to my GP. GP prescribes antibiotics which leads to five trips backwards and forwards to my GP when each different antibiotic made me terribly sick. I eventually had enough and googled my symptoms. Up pops HS. Given that there is no cure, i was oh so hoping it wasnt HS but referred myself to a dermatologist for diagnosis. I didnt have medical insurance at that point (even if i did, turns out they wouldnt have paid) so i paid to see the specialist out of my savings. Unfortunately he confirmed HS and tried yet another round of antibiotics which made me so sick i couldnt function. 

Now here i am a year later. Ive tried eliminating certain foods from my diet (nightshades) but i think for me, my HS is hormonal. It is worst the few days or so leading up to my period. I have thought off and on about going back on depo, hoping that it might help (given HS didnt start until i came off it) but ive been terrified it would make it worse. 

I finally decided to go back on when all this maybe breast cancer stuff happened. I decided, however likely or unlikely it is i actually have breast cancer, that it would be silly to go back on depo now. If it turns out i do have breast cancer and need radiation or chemo (i know, thinking way too far ahead but youve gotta think about all possibilities) then i will need my wee ovaries to be functioning so that i can preserve my fertility. 

Took a swimming lesson with two lovely little girls who couldnt be more different. The youngest is a little fish and finds swimming easy, the oldest not so much. She finds it hard and really struggles but is improving. 

Went to yoga after swimming lesson. I didnt know you could sweat doing yoga but my gosh i did. Its hard holding your body in positions for long (i say long but it wasnt really) periods of time. The instructor is a guy from the town i grew up in (not where i currently live). I swear, he actually has no joints. That guy was flexible. 

Work today, its hard to keep my mind off things when i spend all day dealing with situations where people are at their lowest, they are injured, they are in pain, they are vulnerable and im the person who's supposed to be able to pick up the pieces. Its hard. 

Im also finding it hard to feel sympathy for people at work (colleagues) who bitch and moan about the most trivial things. I feeling like yelling at them that they have nothing to complain about, i feeling like yelling that im waiting to find out if i have cancer but i dont. I dont want everyone knowing. 

Gosh the waiting is hard. 

Went to ATP tonight (an awesome gym that runs classes that are a cross between boot camp and cross fit), they alss have box fit, Ankorr(Looks super intense and im definitely not fit enough). Ive got myself booked in for classes on wednesday, thursday, saturday and sunday.