Crowley: A realist, an avoidant and a lover
A somehow even longer analysis of Crowley's core traits, his trauma, issues, growth and choices in season 2 (and a little bit of season 1, my treat)
Here's Aziraphale's version (Aziraphale: an idealist, a problem solver, a denier and a protector)
As we know, they are polar opposites to each other, in almost every sense of the way, yes in the obvious sense but also in their philosophy over time. While Aziraphale believes in the good in everyone (an idealist) and is a problem solver, Crowley is a hardcore realist, self aware and often pessimistic and avoidant. While in the future this could provide a much needed balance in each other's life, as of now this only causes clashes and inevitable miscommunication.
It is to be noted that while Aziraphale is a problem solver he is often in denial over issues relating to heaven, hell, god and sometimes Crowley (due to his idealism, indoctrination fear etc etc) So often times, Crowley is the first to notice the problem due to his realism and constant vigilance. But he fails to solve the issue because he wants to avoid it, never in denial but always running away from the issue at hand, he hates the thought of losing what he loves, time after time, because he cares to much. This is most clearly seen in the entire 'mystery' of s.2 and also the Armageddon of s.1. Crowley knows there is a problem and he knows the issues and worst case scenarios, with that information at hand all he tries to do is run. When he finds Gabriel he is scared, scared of losing the life they've built, scared of losing Aziraphale. But all he can think of is chucking Gabriel away, while Aziraphale is trying to solve the problem. And this is his fatal flaw, he cannot come to terms with the fact that he cannot run away forever, he needs to step up and confront his issues. He's far more self aware and realistic than Aziraphale, but he cannot for the life of him use that information. This causes them to fight, argue, miscommunicate, and its actively hurting their chances of freedom. Unless he confronts these sides and solves the issue (Armageddon, Gabriel etc) they would have come back to hurt them twice as hard.
At his core he ironically just like Aziraphale, he wants to live in a delusion, a fantasy, a dream. He runs away from the feelings of pain, of hurt, of suffering that comes from heaven, god and now Aziraphale, he refuses to confront it and move past it. He refuses to confront and move past his fall, his trauma. And this is where all his problems stem from.
They meet as he creates the nebula, and he's happy, he is so happy. This is what we get to know of him: he's powerful, he loves what he creates, he is happy. He has a purpose. But then he learns of god's plan, gods plan of taking all that he creates, all that he loves, gods plan of ripping it all to shreds. This is the first time he loses something. And obviously he questions, its ridiculous right? why create this nebula just to destroy it in 6000 years. And Aziraphale warns him, warns him not to question, but why? what is wrong with questioning, what's so wrong in asking a few questions? So he moves on. it's fine, he can convince god, the idea is insane anyway, god isn't that cruel, right? She can't be.
This is the first and last time he trusts god.
the beginnings of trauma, pain and self loathing.
While we don't know why he fell, it's clear how deeply this point in his life affects him, it is his major source of trauma. (I 100% believe that a major point in season 3, will be us learning why Crowley falls)
This is the source of where all his trauma and pain comes from, first he learns he will lose his creations in a mere 6000 years, then he loses his angel-ness. This is the point that changes him entirely, unequivocally, and permanently. He will never trust heaven, god or even hell again, because at this point he's already realized that its all the same. Their just on opposite sides of the same coin, he has already learnt the hard way that god is cruel, god is unfair and god is ruthless. and this, this leads him to become what he is today.
But this causes irreversible trauma, he avoids being vulnerable, he avoids dealing with problems because he knows just how big the issue is so he doesn't even try. Because of it, he grows to loath himself, he treats himself as if he isn't worthy, he simply isn't good enough, his entire being is not enough, not enough for Aziraphale, not enough for anyone. Yes he knows that his fall couldn't be his fault but he still treats himself that way, that somehow because of it he deserves nothing, a common response to a traumatic situation.
This becomes a foundational character trait of him: self loathing. It shows up in many ways, the way he refuses to associate himself with kindness, niceness and being good, his disposition to heaven and his own feelings of being 'unforgivable' makes him this way. Even when he clearly is doing a good thing, he refuses to acknowledge it.
Even if he believes heaven isn't good, it doesn't dispel the feelings of inadequacy, the fear that he will never be good enough for Aziraphale, that because he fell, he is not deserving of love
This is the second time he meets Aziraphale, a new being, one with experiences that he will spend the rest of his lifetime trying to protect Aziraphale from learning. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that this is the moment Crowley falls for the angel he will meet for another millennia.
He takes an immediate intrigue onto an angel who chooses to disobey god indirectly for the benefit of humanity, he watches an angel who thinks for himself, seemingly unpredictable, and treats him with kindness. He offer shelter of rain he does not understand without a thought, he offers safety, comfort and kindness to a demon. A demon who does not value himself, and yet he treats him like he deserves it. This is how Crowley knows, that there is an angel who isn't like the others, isn't like heaven, an angel that will do what's best for humanity. This one act of kindness is what Crowley will spend the rest of eternity paying back for.
If he had any semblance of trust in heaven in doing 'good' this is the point where its unequivocally gone. While he does see the fall as something not of his fault, a small part of him thinks the opposite even if logically he doesn't believe, but watching god ruthlessly kill off a multitude of people, of children that's his last straw. He cannot fathom the idea of hurting people, people who've done nothing wrong. It ironic really, the 'unforgivable' one has a far greater understanding than god and heaven and even Aziraphale for that matter.
2500 BC: The Story of Job
The beginning of a new dream, of a new side
After watching the flood, his animosity towards heaven only increases day by day but this, this instance exacerbates it. Now not only does heaven kill those who've done nothing wrong, now they want him to punish a man who has done nothing but be faithful to god by killing all that he loves and cares for. time and time again, he is forced to do the dirty work of heaven, just to prove a point.
But this time, Aziraphale is on his side, he questions the morality of this, he in the end goes against god, not indirectly but outright disobeys god. Here, for the first time Crowley sees an opportunity, that maybe, maybe with time and effort they could be on their own side, no more hell, heaven just them (not just the potential agreement, this is the first time he feels like he doesn't have to be alone)
"I'm a demon who goes as far along with hell as I can"
--
"But what am I?"
"Your just an angel who goes as far along with heaven as you can"
"that's sounds um."
"Lonely?"
--
"But you said it wasn't"
"I'm a demon, I lied."
In these two conversations he see's how both of them are so much more similar than they realize, how neither of them fit into either sides of the argument, they are just trying to do their best for humanity, and yes its lonely for him, but he see's how Aziraphale is just like him, he see's that maybe, just maybe there's a chance that they could be together, on their own side. He won't have to lie anymore about being lonely, because Aziraphale will be there.
At this point there's multiple instances of Aziraphale showing 1 dimensional viewpoints and moving backwards from his thinking and so Crowley tries to change his opinions, in a thinly veiled spectacle, he tries to show Aziraphale that not all 'bad' actions are truly that bad and that if we force humans to be at unequal footing the system just doesn't work. And it does change him a bit, but it can't rid the foundational problems that Aziraphale has, and his denial of heavens issues, that is something he needs to learn for himself, something that Aziraphale will become painfully aware in season 3.
In the face of Armageddon, he does what he knows best, he tries to run away, away from it all, a place where he and Aziraphale are safe and can be happy. But they wouldn't, they wouldn't be happy, he doesn't realize that he cant run forever and Aziraphale would be miserable if he knew that he could have changed things, and he wouldn't either, he would have to watch as he loses his creations. When he loves something (humanity, the stars, Aziraphale, his Bentley) he loves deep. He prioritizes it over anything else, it makes himself fiercely loyal, protective and immensely caring but also vicious to those that choose to hurt what he loves. And this is a recurring theme, Crowley loses what he loves, time and time again, he was about to lost humanity, he lost Aziraphale (temporarily) and In the end of season 2, he loses Aziraphale again. And this might finally change him, for him to realize he can't just avoid and run away, he needs to deal with his problems head on, he needs to move on from the fall. his own avoidance becomes selfishness and prevents him from helping humanity and solving issues that he understands and empathizes frankly better than Aziraphale. (re: grave digging incident 1827)
And just like running away from Armageddon, he needs to realize that without them spending time away from each other to grow and deal with their personal trauma head on instead of avoiding it, they won't be happy together. This is what will push him to grow, to change.
In the context of season 2 there is undeniable growth, he becomes far more emotionally vulnerable (which is in stark contrast to Aziraphale who becomes more physically vulnerable, initiating physical intimacy far more in season 2, makes it all the more heart wrenching when Crowley initiates it in the ending, it gives all the wrong reactions, the moment Aziraphale desired the entire season broken because he wanted it to be a happy moment).
In terms of his emotional vulnerability, he obviously finally communicates his feelings and desires for the first time, not with any hidden meaning, or indirectness, just pure honesty, his glasses casted away (a continuous metaphor to how open he is to a character), and also communicating when problems arise (when hell attempts to break in). And while his conversation with Gabriel alone, was all over the place and deeply emotional and frankly manipulative, it has to be said that he is finally showing how he feels, its unlikely he's told anyone this story, to protect Aziraphale.
But he lets it out, he finally lets himself feel the anger and recognizes his own pain, which is a big improvement from "Mr. I didn't fall i just vaguely sauntered down and never gonna talk about it because even I don't really know the reason but it definitely hurts"
He also shows subtle growth in terms of his own self esteem, he moves away from nearly exploding every time someone calls him nice to a more 'eh not really', he allows himself to think that maybe he is capable of being nice, the 4 years away from either side has allowed him to finally start viewing himself as worthy of Aziraphale, that he is enough as he is. So to see the ending from his perspective to see how he interprets Aziraphale asking him to be on his side is heartbreaking, all he can think:
"he wants to change me, I'm not enough, I need to be an angel to be worthy of him, I'm not enough."
In this heightened emotional state he doesn't think of stating actual facts like informing Aziraphale of their actual plan which historically at least stops him in his path to think. But he can't, it hurts to much so he throws anything, every feeling just to hope that Aziraphale will understand. But nothing works, and this might just be the last time he sees his angel, so he kisses him. Frantic and painful trying to show him just how much he feels. Its a desperate act, part of it to convince it but part of it is just selfish, because this might be the last chance he has to do it.
"I forgive you.."
"Don't bother."
Even in his weakest state, thrown back into his feelings of inadequacy, he does not back down. The "I forgive you" line played through the centuries doesn't seem to mean forgiveness in a literal sense. Its Aziraphale's coded speech he loves using, to forgive is a disagreeing with him but not talking about it, pretending it didn't happen, a distancing tactic, yes I feel it too but lets pretend. His fear only lets him use code, when he flirts, its subtle. This is one of the many dances they do with each other. But this time, Crowley walks away, he finally ends this century long waltz around around each other.
He refuses to apologize for his feelings, for his opinions. And that is such an evident moment of self growth, that he will no longer apologize for being a demon and not wanting to be an angel, for refusing to change who he is and his feelings.
Season 3 will be undeniably hard on him, after losing everything (from the beginning of time to now) it will be the push he needs to stop avoiding his problems (which leads him to become selfish and unable to help humanity) and make a real change, he will confront his own trauma and finally be able to move past it. It will be hard but the reward for it will be worth it, finally they can be together.
note: Pt.2 on the fall, the trauma, coping mechanisms and thinly veiled metaphors coming tomorrow (hopefully)
Note 2: might make a post on 'forgiveness' from Aziraphale, because it is a tactic to distance, sometime remind that he still loves him and not leave any animosity but also he must be aware that it hurts him (and it could be on purpose)
dededos
annaxmalina
titsay
yousharknotpass
germansingergirl
theartofmadeline
