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━━━━━━━ The faint sound of water trickling and resurfacing along the oceanside had always been your source of peace. Your body rests directly in front of the glistening ocean, the water gliding over your toes as it arises. You are a very ambiverted person, though you lean more towards the introverted side. You had always enjoyed accompanying yourself to sitting down and drawing, listening to music, singing, writing. You love that kinda stuff. So, whenever you have the chance, you make your way up to the ocean and relax amongst yourself.

To be honest, though, you’re here because you’re frustrated. Frustrated with yourself. You just needed a breather, a time to pinpoint your thoughts and the true meaning of them. You just needed to breathe. You scatter random words along your notebook page, each representing word correlating with the exact way you are feeling in some way. You don’t dare to take an attempt at drawing this time around, because you knew exactly what your bruised-up hands would end up creating.

A man. Not a boy, but a man. A chiseled, sharp jawline. Confident, passion driven eyes. Slightly pink, smooth, pointed nose. Slim ears. A very light, almost faint brown color of hair, with an extremely adorable undercut to compliment his already unbelievably attractive features. Jean Kirstein.

Jean Kirstein, the man you can not get off your mind no matter how hard you try. You always act casual around him, as you have to, because you are the type to act differently around someone you admire. You sigh, eyes directing themselves toward the earth’s colorful horizon. The sky looked like something out of a fairy-tail, dazzling a bright blue that slightly strained your eyes. You want to understand yourself.

You hastily stand up, resting your hand on your knee as you trip over your feet. You find yourself forcefully running as soon as you gain balance over your body again. You need to see him, it has been awhile since you’ve seen Jean. Truth be told, you’ve been avoiding him for several days now, but every time you visit that damn oceanside, all you can think about is him. All the times you ran to the ocean in a distressed manner, sacrificing your breath solely to sit there for hours on end to think about Jean. You were just desperate to see his face, even for a moment.

You run towards a vast field that Jean always resided in on days like this, a very familiar place to you. You were thankful for these special days where everyone could relax. Struggling to catch your breath as beaded sweat rolls down the sides of your flushed cheeks, amidst the distance, you can see the soft brown-haired man amongst his friends Connie and Sasha. You had no intention of letting him see you, so you hid behind a tree that was several feet away from them. Your head shyly poked out, locked to his every move.

You watch the anger on his face arise from a comment Connie made, to which Sasha bursts out in laughter from. You can’t help but smile goofily, seeing the angered expression on Jean’s face. You are so jealous of Sasha and Connie, always getting to be around Jean with absolutely no tension. No second thoughts, no self doubts, no discomfort, no embarrassment, no feeling of shyness, just being friends casually. You, deep down, knew you wanted that with Jean more than anything.

Growing up, there was nothing in your life that motivated you. You had no life goals, nothing to strive for, absolutely nothing peaked your interest. Your family always tried to encourage you to try things, but you always shrugged it off, a careless “maybe” escaping from your lips every time. Maybe meant no.

For years on end, you wished for something more to your life. You wanted to live life with a purpose, you wanted to have an answer when people asked you what you wanted to do with your life, your goals, your passions, the things that inspired you, but you were left with absolutely no answer every time you had been asked these questions. It truly affected you as you grew up, and you felt like you were a coward and absolutely worthless to the world, you felt you were a coward that would never mean any significance to the world.

This trend of self deprecation and lack of motivation carried on for years, until, a moment in which you’d drawn several times occurred. Your mother had allowed you to go outside for a little bit so you could escape from the boredom you suffered through in the house, so you did. You walked outside, the sun instantly illuminating against your skin. Your eyes squinted as you adjusted to the sudden burst of sunlight flashing in your eyes. You skipped along the street, admiring the beauty of the world you lived in. You broke into a run as you spotted the familiar tree you’d always go to. You stumbled as you finally arrived, gasping for air because you had ran so fast.

You sat down, sluggishly resting your head against the tree as you caught your breath. You began to hum some songs you had made up in your head, your head swaying to the rhythm.

“What do you think you’re doing in my spot?” A stern voice questioned, causing your frail body to jump in shock. You placed your hand against your head as you tried to calm your breathing down.

“This is my spot,” you replied, unbothered by his rather disrespectful words that were thrown at you. “I’ve never seen you here before anyways, so don’t try to claim something that isn’t yours.”

“Well, I don’t wanna listen to some random girl sing, I’m trying to relax,” he replied, annoyance obvious in his voice. His fingers gripped onto the grass. He forcefully ripped the grass out of the ground, gripping it tightly, debating. He pitched the sharp grass into your face, and he watched as it fell back down into your lap. “So shoo!” He laughed at his actions.

“What’s your name?” You question, your eyes meeting his gaze. He was taken aback, surprised he wasn’t able to get on your nerves.

“W-Why the hell do you care!” The little boy shouted, desperately wanting you to leave him alone.

“It’s pretty much morally ethical to just introduce yourself to someone,” you reply nonchalantly. “I’m Y/N.”

“You think you’re so damn smart using words like that,” he growled. “I’m J-Jean, but I don’t feel ‘morally obligated’ to tell some random stranger that.”

“That’s fair, I’m not forcing you, Jeannn,” you drag his name on, teasing him. His face grows flushed from frustration, and he opens his mouth but you stop him. “Hey, Jean, I have a question.”

“Yeah, me too! Can you go find your own damn tree?!”

“What’s your dream?”

He was confused, fingers curling against his pants. He tried to open his mouth to make another snarky remark at you, but he was genuinely interested in the intent of your question. He slightly scratched his head, looking ahead of him, his eyebrows deepening as he knew exactly what his dreams were.

“I’m gonna serve in the Survey Corps!” He shouted in excitement, passion glowing in his eyes from the mere thought of it. He looked to you, arms supporting him to stand up straight. “I’m gonna protect every damn person on this island, you hear me? Every single person!” he took a moment to catch his breath from the amount of excitement he was exuding out of his voice. I wanna fight those titan bastards and give them a piece of their own medicine! I wanna protect the people of my island!” He shouts enthusiastically, jumping around in the thrill that filled his body. “HELL YEAH!!!”

Your eyes lit up, a tinted glow swirling around your dilated pupils. You’d never seen someone so genuinely passionate about their life, or about life in general. Your face lit up, it was almost like his pent up excitement was traveling through to you, causing you to stand up as well.

“I...want to have a dream too,” you smiled, looking down at the ground. He turned around to you, his head tilting. “I want to be like you.”

“What?!”

As the years passed by from the innocence of your nine year-old selves at the time, you grew closer and warmed up to each other more. You’d often find yourself eating over his place with his family, they were also so kind to you. You always made sure to remind Jean how lucky he was for the family he was blessed with, to which he’d roll his eyes at you and shout “I KNOW!” Jean would tell you stories of the way he wanted to take out titans, and the plans he had to lead humanity to freedom and peace, and the same feeling that flowed through your veins, heart, soul and mind from when he first told you about his dreams of joining the Survey Corps hit you like a truck every time. He was the only person that made you feel something.

It’s not like the two of you drifted apart, it’s just now, things are...different. You were nine years old when you met him, you had no idea what “feelings for someone” even were. Maybe that day marked the first day of your raging crush for Jean, or maybe it was genuine admiration, hell, maybe it was both! It is just undeniable that it’s harder for things to be how they were back then. Not when the mere second he even steps toward you, you can feel your heart beating out of your chest, your palms beginning to form sweat, and your seething urge to let all your feelings for him escape you.

You clumsily let your fingers slip off the tree, causing you to stumble forward from behind it.

“Y/N!” Sasha calls, waving her hand frantically at you. You’re stunned, your face instantly glowing a bright red from the realization that you’ve been spotted. “You hungry?” She yells extremely loud, despite only being a few feet away from your position.

“I-Um, Sure! Yeah...I’m hungry!” You call over to her, shyly looking to the side. You are desperately hoping that Jean doesn’t catch on to the fact that you were just watching them a few moments ago from a distance.

“Then get your ass over here!” Connie yells, causing Sasha to slap her hand on top of his head. “Oww!!”

You lift yourself up off the ground, eagerly walking, then running towards them. You finally land in front of them, shooting them a grin. Jean, however, doesn’t bat an eye at you. Your heart drops. Is he mad? What did you do? You couldn’t bare the thought of Jean being upset with you.

“J-”

“Hey, Y/N, I’ll go grab you some bread!” Sasha interrupts, recalling you informing her that you were hungry. 

“Thanks,” you smile, turning your head to the side to wave to them as they run both run to be your servants. They shoved each other onto the ground and began to fight, causing you to burst out in laughter. I’ll never get my food, you figured. You turned your head back around to face Jean, biting your lip in fear and the awkward tension that surrounded the two of you. “J-Jean?” No reply.

“Jean, I, um, I’m so sor-”

“Why do you act this way now?” He breaks out, his voice echoing with fury. His fists balled at his sides, and he gritted his teeth to prevent himself from coming off on you too harshly. “You never want to be around me anymore! You never even bother to check on me like you used to, you don’t talk to me about my dreams anymore, y-- you don’t even give a rat’s ass about me anymore, so why do you insist on even smiling at me?”

Your heart twists in a knot as you struggle to find the words to say, you can’t even blame him for a second for feeling the way he feels. It’s true, you had been acting different around him for months now. Naturally, if a close friend starts acting different around you, it will cause concern overtime, and eventually cause you to lash out like Jean was. You swallowed.

“I-I’m sorry,” you mutter, ashamed of yourself as you look down to the ground. “I...think about your dreams every day.”

He turns his head to face you. Finally, you think to yourself.

“I-I just can’t go on like this anymore..”

“What? Can’t go on like what? What about me, Y/N, goddamit. How do you think I feel?”

“I know! I know...I’m sorry, I’m not trying to discard your emotions,” you clench your hands around the bottom of your shirt, desperately trying to tug out the right words. “I’ve just been stuck in my head for awhile now.”

“Tch,” he mutters, annoyed at what he thinks is your ignorance of his emotions. You can’t even blame him for feeling how he does, you went from hanging around him every day to avoiding him at all costs. It hurt him deeply, seeing you drift away from his reach when all he wanted to do since he was that little boy you met behind the tree, was keep you close. “Me too..”

“Jean, come on,” you demand sternly, looking up to face him. “I need to show you something.”

“W-What about Con-” you already got ahold of his arm, grasping onto it before he can finish, forcing him to run with you. The two of you heavily pant as your legs carry you closer and closer to the ocean. The wind brushes back your hair as you head towards the familiar spot, your arms bent at your sides. The warmth of the sun grazes on your back, and you turn to your side to look at Jean. His eyes are focused on what’s ahead, as they always had been. That’s what made you admire Jean, and you blush to yourself as you recall all of the entrancing memories you’d shared with him.

“It’s hard to believe we’d..” he paused to catch his breath. “..ever reach this point of freedom.”

Your face lit up at his impactful words, knowing that he was the reason you joined the Survery Corps alongside him many years ago. He helped your find your motivation, he was your motivation. Your purpose to smile, your reason.

“We’re..here.” You announce as you both rest your hands against your knees, desperately attempting to catch your breath.

“Finally! This better be good if you dragged me all the way here,” he laughs. He seems to have let loose, you thought. “So, w-what is it?” he questions, falling to the sand to lay his body down.

You walk over to where you left your notebook, clutching it in your hands as you pick it up, like all the pages were going to fly out of it. You held onto it for dear life, your legs shaking nervously as you walk back to Jean. Y/N, it’s time to face this. You fall down to your knees, sighing as you finally feel the relief of being able to sit down again. He chuckles at you, causing your cheeks to burn up with happiness.

“I-I’m going to show you something...something very precious to me,” you confess, your eyes meeting his, almost as to look for some sort of reassurance in his gaze. His pupils dilate, not recognizing the feeling of your attention on him. “So, just..promise you won’t judge me, okay? Can you just promise me that?”

“I’d never judge you, Y/N.”

You open your notebook, gulping down an immense amount of fear, embarrassment and utter butterflies that entangled within your stomach from the thought of showing him what lied inside the pages.

“S-So, umm...it’s,” you laugh at yourself, hoping to break the flush from your face. “It’s not all that good, so, please bare with me.”

“Y/N,” Jean replies comfortingly, staring into your eyes. You feel your body heat up from his gaze, struggling to keep eye contact. You clench your fists, as you’re aware of how painfully red you are, and you know it doesn’t go unnoticed. “You’ve never judged me, and I’ve shown you the parts and sides of me that nobody else will ever know,” his voice sounded that of lying in the grass on a warm summer day, with a beaming sun closed in on you. Or maybe you were just recalling the memories of the day you meet Jean. “I’ll always want to be that person for you too, so...instead of worrying so much, just show me already, damn it!”

You can’t help but chuckle at his inability to say something sweet to you without lashing out in someway. You hitch in a deep breath, fluttering the pages open to the page you were searching for. The two of you sat there in the glistening sun, the echoing of the steady waves traveling into your ears. You would’ve never imagined you would be here right now, about to unveil the same drawing you had drawn over and over again since you were a child.

“Here.” You set your notebook in his lap, quickly darting your eyes away, but then back to him again, then away. You truly are dying to see his reaction, but you’re too embarrassed to even do so. Who can blame you? You are afraid of how he will react.

His face lit up in mesmerization, your heartfelt drawing sparking an emotion inside him that he knew he couldn’t deny anymore. Jean Kirstein was madly in love with you since he first laid eyes on you. Jean supposed his childhood habits had dug deep into his mind as he grew up, and he could never let that habit of suppressing his emotions and pretending like they’re not there go away.

A tree lied on the paper, with the back of your body resting against it. In front of you stood Jean, his arm raised in the air. You had drawn his face with precision, highlighting the excitement and passion in his eyes that you could still clearly recall. You could never, ever let that moment leave your mind, no matter what happened. You made a promise to yourself that you would never let that memory escape you. You’d drawn the grass and sky in immense detail, depicting exactly how the shimmering combination of the sun and sky made you feel, along with the aura of perfection that was Jean.

You felt your eyes tear up from relief, after years of suppressing your feelings for Jean, you were so incredibly happy to finally reveal a precious memory that followed you every day since it happened. It felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders, it felt like you could finally breathe again. In an odd way, it felt like you were taken back to that day when you first met Jean. When you first met the man who touched your soul. You felt goosebumps trickle all around your skin as you admired Jean’s features as he stared down at your drawing.

“I don’t know what to say, Y/N I-” his breath went short as his eyes lifted up to yours, then back down to your drawing. “I feel like I’m looking into my mind in this drawing, like...you captured my thoughts,”

His words struck you in ways unimaginable.

“It’s...absolutely breathtaking,” he confessed, dragging himself closer to you. “I think about that day, hell-”

“Every day?” you insist, pulling yourself closer to his face in curiosity. Your lashes fluttered as you stared into his eyes, hoping you could pull more out of him.

“Yeah..” he admits, lost in your eyes. “I love being this close to you.”

Your body shook from his words, not expecting him to feel the same you felt. Being this close to him felt...felt like safety. It felt like peace and tranquility. You wanted to stay here in this moment, your cheeks flushed with his, pinkies brushed together, and noses slightly pecked as the clouds slowly glide across the sky.

“Thank you,” you whisper, salty tears waltzing down your cheeks. “Thank you, Jean Kirstein, for claiming that tree,” you lift your hand up to grip onto his for support. He responds by squeezing your hand tightly, letting you know it’s okay to cry. He wants you to not hold back, and reveal all your precious emotions to him. “thank you for always getting annoyed by me, thank you f-for-” you choke on your tears.

“Y/N-”

“Thank you for telling me that you wanted to join the Survery Corps!” you burst out, your words calling out to the wind. You wanted to be heard. “Thank you...for giving me purpose!”

You pull away from him, your hands digging into the sand. Your whole body was shaking like your breath was, insanely flustered to be pouring your heart out to the most remarkable person you’d ever had the pleasure of meeting. Your arms trembled as your legs supported you to stand up. “Thank you for being my world, Jean Kirstein.”

The breath taken man stands up, towering over you. His face is a bright red, his hands trembling from the immense weight your words held in his mind.

“I’ll...tell you my dreams every day,” he whispers to you, lowering his head. “if it means I get to see the beauty of your motivation a million times over like I did the day you joined the Survery Corps.” “Y/N, your motivation shines so brightly, even right now,” he takes your quivering hand in his, squeezing it tight in an attempt to calm you down. “I don’t know how I would’ve ever had the guts to confess to you, so...I know how hard it must be..t-to tell me all your secrets,” he breathes in sharply. "...even so, you’re gorgeous like this,” he gently smiles, eyes piercing into yours. “So just kiss m-”

Your lips collided with his, your knees struggling to hold you up from your trembling. You wrap your arms around his neck to balance yourself once again, to which he responds by wrapping his around your fragile figure. His body feels like that day, he feels like that day. He feels like freedom.

“Mmh,” you wince against the intense kiss you found yourself in. After years of concealing these feelings you had for him, it came out in a raging passion. It felt so good to feel his smooth lips plummeting against yours. It was out of a dream. When you two pulled away from the kiss, you were out of breath. “J-”