Single Mum Mental Health

I opened up to my counseller about domestic violence and triggers and sleep paralysis the other day.

I’ve been thinking about a couple of times when I was a bit manic or in psychosis and exhausted and felt vulnerable and my ex tried to have sex with me and it made me feel afraid and stressed and fall deeper into the fantasy world that I wqs drowning in.

In the shack house when my eldest was a baby and he pushed me on the bed and wanted me from behind. It just didn’t feel right. I left the room and I felt afraid of the room and I didn’t want to go back in there at all. That is what made me ask him to take me to hospital. I realised not being able to enter a room was a bit odd. But it makes sense to me now.

The feeling was similar to when I had acid when I was living in a Sharehouse in Brisbane and there was several people around the house and some of them I didn’t know at all. I went into my partner and my room and there was two guys sitting on my bed.

Something clicked and I felt strange. It was like a trigger of a memory. They were in my safe place and they seemed scary of bad character. I yelled at them to get out.

I might go to the shop now and get smokes I just want my early morning time with lots of coffee.

Maybe I can borrow money for petrol next week.

Everything had been spinning around my head for about two weeks since watching the show Maid on Netflix. Every time I had to do drop offs and pick ups with my ex I would get super anxious.

Somethings happened with my partner that reminded me of the past to. Triggers.

I got sleep paralysis the other morning after being triggered twice. My Counsellor said that is a symptom of post traumatic stress syndrome. I use to get it quite a lot in the unit I use to live in when I first left my ex who had treated me badly.

I’m tired but I don’t want to sleep. I feel anxious and stressed still. I had some nice alone time at the river yesterday. I had a little picnic with insence and tarot cards.

I was a little down to start with because my partner needed alone time to rest after a big weekend and I wanted his support and a cuddle after opening up to my Counsellor. But I realised sometimes in life you can only rely on yourself so I did things that I liked for myself.

My friend Pixie and her daughter ended up visiting and we had a big night talking about sexual abuse and her suicide attempt ten years ago. My Counsellor said I will heal more the more I talk about things and open up about things.

I feel like resting and being alone now though for a few days for my mental health to have low stress and to have a break from socialising.

I’m running low on money and need to get bread and some lunch food. I may have to make a cake and cookies or something on the weekend for lunches for the boys.

Need milk, apples, kiwis, bananas, bread, bars, easy off bam, dove soap, pies, peas and corn…

I want to ask Chris if he will be my boyfriend. I’m not sure if I should just keep going how we are but last night he was very open and said he loves me so much and told me how protective he was of me in a dream.

I need to do washing and vacuuming today and maybe walk with Chris later.

I feel good like there is good things coming. Good changes. Security in love. We are getting better at talking about things even if we are tired and it’s hard.

I had a cry last night and I think it was good for me. There’s just been so much going on and I’ve been trying to be strong and do all the things. I can’t wait to speak to my counseller and get my disability paperwork in.

Busy head. Relaxed body.

My cat Luna is actually sipping from the pool now as I have a smoke and drink. She’s so funny. She’s so lovely.

Anyways I went to church to get some free bread and veggies because I only have $1.77 on my zip account. Two older volunteers came to me at the veggies when I was picking up some wilted spinach and said I need to pick it up after my order was processed. I explained I didn’t have money today and should I put it back. They were not sure what to do. I don’t know if they believed me. I’m 35 with white fake docs and a beaded necklace compared to most of the people there with white hair. Although my silvers where shining today I need to get some dye.

The lady said I probably need it and let me take some things. Somehow that exchange etched a feeling in me of hopelessness. I felt like maybe I had done something wrong. Like I have to spend money if I want to take some things. I just wanted fresh bread for the boys school sandwiches because they won’t eat their sandwiches and they get cranky and try and run away over the fence at school.

Oh vent. Psssshhhhhhhh….. breathe…. Let it out.

Time for some nice music and a smoke and to look at nature.

Will write again soon.

Steve stayed in his bed all night too yay! I was a bit stricter in the night threatening to smack if they kept coming out of their rooms and running around. I didn’t want to smack and I didn’t like being strict but I have to put my foot down if I want rest time to recoup after a long day.

Chris needs a bit of structure with them too and we can talk about disapline and what may work. He just talked to them about how I needed a break and I mentioned if we don’t get adult time we go crazy and have to go to hospital lol. But they still played up a little so sometimes talking doesn’t work and you have to get the cranks to make an impact. I gave one last cuddle after being strict too. We will get there.

It was their first day back to school after months of lockdown and sleeping in my room and staying up with me and not reading many books so it’s a matter of getting back into a nice routine for them and for Chris and I.

I think I have faith now we won’t have another lockdown because of all the vaccination rules and people getting more vaxs so it feels like it worth trying to get them use to their rooms again.

I’m really motivated to try and walk on the river and in town a bit today so I can log it for my mental health walk. I want to try get up to 40km in the month so I should try hard and it may help me lose some weight.

I should make an egg salad. I have lots of nice dressings.

It’s so nice to have Chris back over here after being apart for three nights. I really wasn’t sure if he kissed someone at the party he went to or if he wanted to be with me but we had a really great night together last night and chatted and laughed and he talked. I have to make a good effort to listen well and engage well and not just think about how what he says relates to me. I have to try be more present and share the conversation better. We watched some funny shows together and it was nice to be at his house for a little while the boys were at school and just be intimate and run out hands over each other while cuddling and watching that funny show.

I have to fill in a permission slip for the boys and look for $4 in my bags so they can go on a bus tour and check some places out. It would be a nice change for them to do that at school.

Nathan has been really good with Steve helping him with school. Being a good big brother.

I need another coffee. Wish I had more smokes.

Make lunches

Dress them

Socks

Shoes

Jumpers

Spare key?

Call doc about second jab

Washing up done

Put my clothes in washing

Vacuum

Mop

Easy off bam? Or wait?

See Chris? I miss holding him.

Relax with the rain

Up load doc cert to centrelink so it’s done

Look at letter and disability forms

Resume and availability for chemists?

Look up mental health courses at tafe for next year

Just relax and chill

Call real estate about carpet cleaning person and when the inspection is

Take bin down

Awake early and it’s raining. Had a couple of smokes and a coffee hanging with my cat Luna. She is wet and rubbed herself on me heaps. Didn’t know if she was happy to see me or using me as a towel.

Today I have to make school lunches. Cut apples in bits and use one and cut a carrot in bits. Devon and tomato sauce sandwiches.

I ate a bit in the night. Cruskets, Doritos and orange juice as well as two choc peanut butter bars. I really don’t want to go over 100kg. I really have to work out how to break these bad habits. I have to believe I can do it and be determined. I could go on bike for 30 mins today and dance to thirty mins of youtube choreography stuff. It would be so nice to get my sexy body back. I bet Chris would like that but my boobs would go smaller. Would be good for dance movies though. Got to have faith and pray and fight the urges in the night.

Today I could get green man and teddy off the line and squeeze them out and hang them in the garage. I could wash my clothes and hang in garage.

I could get the Easy Off Bam on Saturday when I get paid and do the bath next week. I could vacuum and mop house today and put boys clothes away.

I still feel a bit tired but I don’t feel like sleeping. I miss Chris. I wish he would wake up early with me. I hope I get to see him today and have nice kisses and hugs. He wrote to me in the night and said he wishes he was here with me so that’s nice and he did say he loves and misses me so I guess things are going well and getting there.

He apologised for being a bit all over the place lately. I can watch more of the USA voice too if he wants space.

Maybe buy some milk.

I need to get the paperwork for disability, fill it in and take it to centrelink. I could ask them to photocopy it for me.

I wish Steve was in his bed so I could have some alone time while everyone is asleep. I guess I could try carry him there but he could wake. Maybe later.

Maybe another couple of smokes and a coffee and message some good friends.

It was nice to see dad and mum on the phone last night.

Feeling so tired. Scrubbed the soap scum heaps on the bath and hardly made a difference.

Got tic and nit stuff.

Maybe they will just have cereal for dinner.

I’m so worn out because so much has been going on lately and after watching Maid on Netflix I keep reliving the past memories and I’m still angry and upset about what happened with him and how he treated me and how he still treats me.

Always checking up on me like I could go crazy any minute coming into my house to see how messy it is. I really need to remember to take the bin down the long drive way tomorrow, its been a month and the garage recycling is not looking good at all.

It is nice to have some alone time from Chris. We have been hanging out so much lately and just falling down a vortex together. But my period is over and I am feeling more motivated to get back into a routine.

I need to try and read to the boys each night again and get them sleeping in their rooms again so I get some quiet time at night. Its just a lot of effort the whole bedtime thing by seven. It will get easier with time when they get use to it again. We just got out of the habit with lockdown.

It rained a little and the air is crisp and wet and sweet. It’s so nice after two stinking hot days. All of our hair smells nice too from being washed clean, still damp and wavy.