Waiting for 8am so I can get cheaper smokes from the tobacconist. An hour and half to go.
I opened up to my counseller about domestic violence and triggers and sleep paralysis the other day.
Iāve been thinking about a couple of times when I was a bit manic or in psychosis and exhausted and felt vulnerable and my ex tried to have sex with me and it made me feel afraid and stressed and fall deeper into the fantasy world that I wqs drowning in.
In the shack house when my eldest was a baby and he pushed me on the bed and wanted me from behind. It just didnāt feel right. I left the room and I felt afraid of the room and I didnāt want to go back in there at all. That is what made me ask him to take me to hospital. I realised not being able to enter a room was a bit odd. But it makes sense to me now.
The feeling was similar to when I had acid when I was living in a Sharehouse in Brisbane and there was several people around the house and some of them I didnāt know at all. I went into my partner and my room and there was two guys sitting on my bed.
Something clicked and I felt strange. It was like a trigger of a memory. They were in my safe place and they seemed scary of bad character. I yelled at them to get out.
I might go to the shop now and get smokes I just want my early morning time with lots of coffee.
Maybe I can borrow money for petrol next week.
I feel tired.















