The Atlas System

And then a little will come out and be like,,

How do you know when it’s safe to tell someone? About your DID/OSDD?

I want everyone to feel free to be themselves and make friends and not have to feel like they have to pretend to be me all the time, but I don’t want to make anything worse for anyone either

Why do I want to? Do you want to because you think it'll bring you closer? Do you want to because you think they'll think it's cool?

What do I want to get out of telling them? Similar to #1. What sort of response are you hoping for? How realistic is it that you get that response?

How will telling them help me? If they're a roommate or a life partner, it may help to explain erratic behavior or amnesia. If they're someone you barely know or don't really talk to, look to #1 & 2.

How have they reacted to similar news in the past? What are some ways they've talked about trauma/mental illness in the past? Have you told them other "big secrets," and have they reacted well? Are they a gossip? Consider if/how they've talked about others and their secrets.

Do they want this information? Telling someone about a diagnosis such as DID/OSDD can also be a lot for the person receiving the information. This might be something they've never heard of before. It could mean work on their end researching how best to help you. It could be upsetting to find out a friend went through trauma. Consider their emotional well-being as well.

Is there another way to get my needs met? Look at the earlier questions, and identify what need you are trying to meet by telling this person. Is it because you feel frustrated explaining yourself? Is it because you feel you want to be more interesting? Consider other ways you can meet these needs.

Remember that DID/OSDD is a serious and traumagenic mental illness, and that telling someone is a large, serious, vulnerable, and permanent decision. You can't "take back" their knowledge of this. Telling someone about your DID/OSDD who is not an absolutely trusted person could put you at risk of being manipulated/gaslit about your condition, or they could share this with others you didn't consent to knowing, intentionally or unintentionally. Or, on a smaller scale, they could just be annoying/ignorant about it.

Additionally, telling someone could make you feel pressured to "perform." "Performing," in this context, means exaggerating your symptoms (intentionally or unintentionally) to better fit with their idea of your condition, to convince them you're not lying/making things up, or just to seem more interesting. Sometimes this happens without your really noticing or doing it conciously. It could put you at risk of making dissociative barriers worse.

Even my partner doesn’t have all the details, and I feel okay with that decision. My main concern is that “pressure to perform” thing. Right now, my partner knows that I have a “CPTSD and a very serious dissociative disorder”. She knows that I dissociate and lose track of time, and she knows that I have “parts of self”, but I’ve never actually said the words “Dissociative Identity Disorder” and I’ve never told her that we have names and distinct identities. I am worried that if we do, it will unintentionally make our symptoms worse and worsen our dissociative barriers. 

In my specific situation it’s been brought to my attention that the other alters feel somewhat suffocated in pretending to be me

They are good at it and they know how, but we wish to be authentic to ourselves and hate forming friendships and relationships based on the lie of who they are with

But we also understand that a lot of people aren’t going to understand and that it is a lot of information to put on someone else and it is not always safe, this was the original intent behind the question

So I think there’s a way to be authentic without telling people you have DID. You don’t owe anyone that info and parts are allowed to behave like themselves even without saying they’re separate parts. We do this all the time when we decline to disclose who’s fronting, even to our partner, or when we don’t know who’s fronting. Parts just act and talk in ways that are natural them and most people don’t even notice anything.

oh sh*t which way am I going 

how do I keep up 

dUCK 

no JUMP 

I didn’t choose this skin wha-

Inspired by: http://onbeingmental.tumblr.com/post/42801506786/what-is-life-like-with-did

Life with Dissociative Identity Disorder:

Internal Voices: Sometimes, alters can talk to you through emotions and images. Sometimes, they sound like loud thoughts. Sometimes, they have their own voice, complete with accent and tone, and you can listen to them and ignore them just like you can any outside person. Sometimes, two of them will be talking to each other, and you just sit there and listen. Other times, it’s distracting. You can interrupt each other or not be able to properly hear. Sometimes, you really can’t hear right, and then you may only pick up on certain words or the general idea. At other times, you can’t hear what they’re saying internally. You only know what they’re communicating through the body, if they even bother with that. Sometimes, it’s hard to know whether you personally are just thinking or talking internally. If you’re host, you may be in the habit of mentally projecting or shouting everything, whether you know it or not. This takes away a lot of your privacy.

Dissociation: Fun DID fact; the dissociation is almost always there to a certain degree. Even if you’re alone in the body, the most random of words can set off the dissociation. Emotions either never get too strong or never make any sense. You feel distanced from your body and, if you ever try to examine life, it all stops feeling real. If you’re co-conscious with someone else, the world seems distanced and strange. You may not have any sense of identity when someone else is in control. You can feel completely blank, watching them reacting to the world. It’s like getting absorbed into the movie; you’re too busy watching the actors to think too much. You can’t hear what they’re thinking, and if they’re not talking, your head is just blank.

Triggers: When you have DID, you just never know how triggers will affect you. Sometimes, the most common of words, a change in tone, a slight touch, or a whiff of cologne will set you off. It depends on which alter is closest; some of them can handle much more than others can. Your reactions vary, as well. Some alters will retreat. Other times, a trigger will cause one of them to switch out or come close to front. You yourself may experience strong panic or anger. On the other hand, you may feel completely emotionless and drained. Maybe the world will grow distant and fuzzy, but everything may seem too sharp and focused. You can be torn between hiding somewhere safe and triggering yourself further, triggering yourself as much as possible, in order to knock the dissociation away and regain a sense of self. Sometimes, it won’t take effect until time has passed and you’re somewhere where it’s okay to break down, but this can just make everything more confusing and can make the eventual reaction stronger.

Memory: DID can destroy your memory. Some people lose time when their alters front. No matter how great the need, they just can’t remember what happened when they weren’t there. Others lose the memory of their alters’ activities even if they were originally there to see what happened. Even your personal memories can be stolen by a powerful alter or split away in order to protect you or to keep information from reaching the front. You may find yourself remembering random small things but nothing important; you may have the mental outline of what happened but no details or actual memory. You may remember things in snap shots instead of movie clips, and you may remember things in third person or without emotion, sound, or sensation. Dissociation destroys your sense of time.

Co-conscious: Often, people with DID can or learn to be present when their alters are there. The amount of control they maintain can vary. Sometimes, you’re just watching your body move. You can’t stop yourself from saying things or reacting. You don’t know what you will do next or who is currently in charge of your body. Other times, you can talk with the alter in control, or you can be in control and they can be talking to you. Sometimes, you can both be close enough that while you can still feel slightly in control, the alter’s perception of the world leeks through. You may feel their emotional state or physical sensations that disappear when they leave. You may gain their knowledge and suddenly increase in ability. Sometimes, if you’re very close, you can hear their thought process.

Life Direction: Decision making can be hard. As host, you may want one thing and work hard for one thing, but an alter can make that ideal much harder to reach just by coming out for the shortest amount of time. You may need to do work, but an alter may goof off for hours without you being able to stop them. They may want something different than you do and actively work to sabotage you. They may disagree with your sense of style or taste in music. They may try to hang out with people you don’t care to know or eat food you hate. You may find yourself unable to complete something or relate to someone without an alter’s help… an alter who can’t always be there when you need them. Most frightening, they may have different morals. They may look at p*rnography that makes you feel ill, or they may not see a problem with hurting other people.

Doubting Your Perceptions: With so much doubt about DID’s validity, it can be hard to get validation from some friends and family members, and it’s near impossible to have memories of trauma confirmed by those involved; after all, you had to repress the memories for a reason.You may begin to feel insane, like you made all of the memories up. The derealization doesn’t help! Some alters may get mad at you for denying them, but others may exist solely to deepen denial and prevent you from accepting the past. The trauma itself can seem severe beyond reason. You may feel insane because of the alters or memories. Anything can fuel this denial.

Feeling Like a Fake: You don’t black out? Faking it.  You do black out? It’s organic, not DID. You can’t function? Attention seeking faker. You can function? Lying faker. You have too many alters? Faking. Not enough? Faking. Animal alters? Fake. Angry alters? Dangerous fake. Friendly alters? Roleplayer. Your alters have different physical or mental disabilities? That’s impossible; you’re faking it. Your body doesn’t change with each alter? Fake. Others believe you? You fooled them. No one believes you? Fake. A diagnosis? Scam. You have proof of your past? Doesn’t mean you have DID. No proof? Sick fake. You have DID? Fake.

Sense of Self: How can you ever know who you really are when “you” can seemingly change at a drop of the hat? Alters like different foods than you do. They listen to different music and wear different clothes. Some of them excel at logic puzzles, but you like to paint. You hate math, but one of them is a math genius. People can accurately call you a Republican and a Democrat. You can go from a church girl to a party girl to an angry mother-f*cker to a terrified toddler. At times, “you” claim different names, ages, and genders. Depending on the alter near, you can find yourself attracted to boys, girls, or everything in between. You contain other people. Are you just a gateway for them?

PTSD: As DID is caused by trauma, it tends to come with PTSD. You find yourself triggered by things that you can’t even remember. You’re constantly in fear or constantly angry. Your startle reflex is extreme. You hate being touched. Maybe you can’t become aroused unless you feel violated. Maybe sex terrifies you, but maybe you’re promiscuous and love risky sex. On some level, you can’t trust anyone. You’re jealous of any close relationships and of anyone who lived a happy life and got a happy ending. At the same time, you don’t feel worthy of your own happy ending. You feel like a drain on society. You feel toxic, like you hurt everyone you care about. You sabotage your own success, but at the same time, you may work as hard as possible to help everyone or to excel at something so that you have worth. You hate your body. You live in fear of hurting others because of the anger or cycle of abuse. You live in fear of what your alters may do. All of the symptoms mentioned may affect only certain alters. The symptoms may be spread out to match the memories. You feel a sense of loss at what you never really had. You feel like you were never innocent or pure. You look at your happy child alters and abused child alters, and you want to cry. You may hurt yourself just to feel real. You may hate yourself and want to escape your life in any way possible. You may have Depression, Anxiety, an Eating Disorder, or a Personality Disorder.

Like It or Not, This is Your Life. Therapy may help you, but it takes a long time. You may not be able to take time out of work, school, or your family to heal at the pace that you want. You may experience set backs at every step. The milestones may seem to grow farther and farther away. You may find new alters and new horrors awaiting you every time you feel done. You may wear out your support system, or you may wear out your hope. You may be unable to find a therapist to help you. You may be hospitalized. You may find yourself unable to even confide in others, forcing yourself to try and heal alone. You may want to give up. You may want your old life back, but no amount of ignoring the DID will make it go away.

You’re Never Alone. No matter who leaves you, you’re never alone. No matter how hopeless it seems, you always have someone rooting for you. No matter how angry or broken your alters seem, they were created for you. In some way, your alters are always protecting you. They were created during the darkest days of your life so that you could still see the light without going blind. They took your place so that you could retain a sense of happiness and safety. They hold the feelings that you never could. They do the things that you would never be brave enough to do. They’re there to protect you. In their own way, each and every one of them is doing everything that they can to help you.

Every Night Must Break For Dawn. Sometimes, DID can not only be a good thing, but feel like a good thing, as well. No matter how terrible a disorder it is, you will get much needed breaks from the stress. It can be useful to have an alter ace a test for you. It can be wonderful to watch littles enjoying childhood in a way that you never could. It can fun to watch alters interacting with their friends in a way that you can’t. You have strengths that you never even dreamed of. You have friends right there in your head! If you hate something, someone else can do it for you. If you need to relax, someone else can handle things for a while. You may find that some of your alters have a great sense of humor. Maybe they’re really friendly. Maybe they can teach you things or help you to look at life in a new way.

You’re Not Alone in This. DID is a rare disorder, but many people do suffer from it. Others with DID can offer you advice or share their experiences. Even the most difficult of alters may be more receptive to someone who was in the same place they are. It’s nice to meet someone who really understands what you’re going through, and it can show you that no, you’re not just insane. At least, not very!

airport at 3 am vibes

*looks in the mirror* LMAO WHO IS THAT?!!?!

h e a d a c h e

reality but east

crying while listening to vocaloid at midnight

haha words go blurr

aight guess im dead

who even is fronting?? idk but mcr SLAPS

oh. im a robot. hm.

*scribbles all in the sketchbook*

seeing art of a bunch of the fictives hanging out and all them climbing their way to the front

There are days an alter of a different gender can be near the front, and on those days you might feel gender dysphoric. Another alter could front, and you might find that your body does things that don’t align with your sexuality. Systems may struggle with finding any solidity in their gender and sexual orientation because of this.

I just want to say, if you are a system and you deal with this:

Whatever you identify with right now is valid.

If that identifier changes in the future, it doesn’t make you a bad person.

If you feel the need to give yourself labels, you are valid.

So far I have…

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

A chapter from Heal For Life: How to Heal Yourself from the Pain of Childhood Trauma By Liz Mullinar AM.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker

Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence–From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror by Judith L. Herman 

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsey C. Gibson

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward + Craig Buck

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why by Susan Forward and Joan Torres

I’ve only read the Body Keeps the Score (which was very helpful for me personally) so far but I’ve heard really good things about all these books! 

And I’ll look for more pdf versions of trauma / abuse recovery books! Let me know if there’s a specific book you want and I’ll try and find an e-copy! :)

To alters who don’t identify with the body’s assigned gender:

To alters who do identify with the body’s assigned gender, but the body is transitioning medically and socially and eventually won’t identify with it:

To systems with alters of many different genders:

To systems with alters of multiple genders who are considering transitioning medically or socially, for whom such a decision is hard because of the gender variance of the alters:

To alters/systems whose whole relationship with gender is muddled because of the system:

To systems who transitioned and later detransitioned because of system-related gender troubles: