Cry out

Yea here i am. Again, and again over again. Im comming here when my heart bleed, when my mind starts to Fall apart, and when the hole i always got deep into my soul, starts getting bigger and bigger. There is no end, just sleep.

This blog is specialy for my soul, which hole starts destroying everything I have.

Sometimes I just have that feeling like something left me. Not just a person, not just a thing but something that just keeps me from thinking of Death. And thats what just happend.

I dont have many things or People left, yet this feeling starts to be normal, like every week activity, no metter how much I adore someone, no metter how much of my time do I gave to someone. I just left with nothing but disrespect.

No one can Look me in the eyes, and say a least one Word I said to them. Maybe Im not even a good person. Im trying to give them what I never had. A understanding, a safe space, A ACCEPTANCE, or just love.

Yet i didnt reachive a single smile, or anything in return. Oh sorry there is one person who apprecite it. But why does only he is truly greatful for everything... I dont mean i Look for return But why do i always feel like shit for being nice?

you take a puppy to your house, feed him, just take care for him for years. One day he is strong, brave and dont need you anymore to take care. You want to hug him like always, but he bites you in a hand. Then again, and again. Till you just cant no more. Look you gave him everything, and only you have is nothing. The dog left you. Like everyother.

How blind can you be sendre. How long do you need to be for someone till you finally be for yourself? I wont understand it like that. And thats how I hurt myself. The hole is getting bigger and my hand starts shaking from wounds of many other dogs. Thats not your first one.

Yet you do what you do, and thats killing you slowly

The best part of me is being easy to replace.

Im like a station for People who need someone. Suddenly im that someone. People are like the train, they come, stop and when they are ready they move on like nothing happen. Like im no one...

Im here for them, everytime everywhere, when they need me... But they are not when I need someone.

Im helping them because I want to give someone, things I never had, feelings I never expirenced. Give them what Im dreaming of...

And everytime, Im thinking they will not obey me, they wont leave me like everyone... thats what I always tell myself... I want to belive it but it always end up the same way.

Everytime, there is someone else, someone Worth staying, someone Worth waiting and not obeying... And that someone is not me, NOT me.

Im always the second option and sometimes even not. IM always the facking station. And only station, im dreaming On being with them, on this train called life. For the lifetime giving what they want in Exchange for being close to me, even when its hot...

But who want to spend eternity with loser like me? Then let me just cease to exist... Im no one to them, no one to nothing. And one day they will leave me like everyone did someday... Im not of long Im for a moment of weakness.

I dont blame, i dont judge, i dont leave. Im here, i love i stay. I protect from warped world, People.

But this is not what they really want for the rest of their life, they want someone better. And The fact is, everyone is better than me!

Everyone will find someone better than me, better model of me. They always do and thats what hurts me the most...

If you are Reading it, if you are someone i know, someone who love me in its kind of way. Remember. If you leave me, thats fine you wont find someone like me ever again because you will find someone much better, someone whos not me...

Sometimes I Wonder. What if i disappear?

Disappering must be the best thing ever. When you finally get over your problems, your enemies and your life.

Its time when nothing means nothing. There is no yesterday there is no tomorrow. And everything you have been expiriencing disappear like you do. When you think about it, it sounds so easy and so comfortable, like nothing before.

But there is the thing. It is only about you? No it isnt. And that is something what destroy the beauty of disappearing. You just cant leave everything and everyone without saying a Word.

And that is something that keeps me here. In my stupid awful life. That fact really upsets me everytime I feel down. I think like disappering is something meant for me, like it is about me. Like this is what I need to do. But I just cant! I just cant...

My heart is build with something I cant name. My heart doesnt let me hurt others because of my self hatered. I just cant let others suffer because of me, and myself. Yea yea i know, how this sounds like everyone is above me.

But they are... I just feel like they are, me and myself are not important. Not anymore. And thats something that is going to destroy everything. Its just a matter of time.

How many People would be shocked? How many would notice. How long would it take for them to notice? How many would cry after me?

Am I really that important for them?

Sometimes I dream to disappear so suddenly that nobody notices. Nobody cries. I just cease to exist. But this is something impossible. People like me because im giving everything I have, But they dont give me what I really want... they dont give me anything at all. Or maybe I just dont see it.

But do you know how much I suffer giving in and being left with nothing? How much do I need to give just to take something back? How long do I need to be here just to feel a little less empty and a little loved?

I dont ask for much. I just want to be loved, just to be understood. Just to feel like there is someone next to me...

I just want to disappear... just to close all the Gates, just to end that suffering. Just to end the pain of my heart.

Being able to choose disappearing is the greatest form of freedom there is.

But I just cant... would you? Would you cry?

Being me is like being a kid who love everyone and everything.

Thats the part i hate the most of being myself, i get attacted to someone very quicky. Too quickly and as you may understand, this is the most brutal and hurtfull thing in my life.

Ive been for too long alone, with no one holding my hand, no one touching my shoulder, no one saying im here for you. So alone that everyone who show me a little grain of empathy was my world. I fell into love too fast with women.

The thing is that loving someone doesnt mean they love you too. Everytime I love i end up being shatered apart. And that is something im experiencing right now.

Im in love with women who only and ONLY sees me as a fck friend. And nothing more.

She is like a world to me, like a moon which light up my sky at night. Like a light in a darkest tunnels.

This is feeling that throw me into a big o hole. For a 4 Times. Yet i managed to get back on my feet, but how many Times do I need to get up? How many Times do I need to be thrown info the same hole just to learn my lesson? Will i ever learn it?

Im lost, lost in myself, in my mind and my feelings. And there is nothing that can help me or no one. Im alone again, and again. And I just cant do a thing to help myself.

I was destroyed, broken, nearly dead because of love and now Im going into same feeling over again. The best part is that I just cant stop love. I JUST CANT STOP FEELING SOMETHING. Love is the feeling which you cant just gave up on. This feeling is not just a something that passes or something I choose. It came into my life so fast so suddenly.

And even when I tried to stop feeling it, it came, i came to the start point. Like nothing happend.

The worst of all is that I know exactly how is it going to end. I know how autodestructive it is. I know that im going to Fall like icarus fell from the sky because he flew too high, and too close to the Sun.

I going to Fall just as him, just as hard and just as brutal. Nothing going to protect me, no one will ever be able to stop me from falling down again, and I just know how bad this will hurt.

Loving in one way.

When you wake up you see her face, when you look in to the mirror you are proud that you found her. You love the feeling of loving someone but you never feel how is it to being loved.

You are giving your best to make her special, for you. She isnt like the others, something made her special for you. But now Look the other way

Are you special for her? Are you even someone who she choosed to stay with? Try thinking if she would choose you in a Group of People.

In my life, i've always been the second or even not the option. Yet i still chosed to stay and love her till the end. Till i end up burned, with nothing at all.

Was it good? Was it right? For me, yes it Was. But looking at myself now, i would do anything to not met her that day. Just to pass by and not even looking at her like i did.

I would but I cant. Im left with myself only, and maybe I tried to love just to escape from myself. Yet i've came back to the start point. To the person who destroyed me. You know what? I still love her, even after knowing im going to die because of her. Like im addicted to drugs...

Love is a misterious and so complicated feeling. I've tried to understand it, but was only left out with much more questions.

Love is a special feeling if you dont Fall to hard to deep. With not right person

"Because love can burn like a ciggaret and leave you alone with nothing"