GRACE

i have been in a dance with fear my entire life. he has been a shadow that’s walked me around a room without my ever knowing it. how it’s led me in and out of corners, sat me down and then picked me up again, then twirled me about.

many times, i’d believed i found a new partner, and every time i thought i’d finally rid myself of it, he crept back in the room.

like an old piece of furniture, he was always there. inviting me to sit a spell. he was warm and seemingly careful with me. there always was a protection in the horror he provided. like shade on a hot, sweltering day, there was still no escape from the danger of the heat.

an elusive lover that played with my hair and sang me to sleep at night, yet kept me from true rest. he looked like an angel, but he was a thief stealing time and moments from me in the name of safety.

in reality, he was just another abusive mate, holding me hostage without my knowledge, yet with my very own consent. in spite of it all, he’d convinced me that i needed him to survive.

It’s Thursday, February 5, 2026, and I have never asked You to just fix my broken pieces. We don’t do that, You and I. That would be too easy, and easy doesn’t change me. Real healing is hard, ugly, and messy. If You made all this pain, suffering, and trauma just disappear, it wouldn’t make me a better woman. It would just make me a woman who never learned anything from what almost destroyed her.

You see every shard on the floor of my life. The nights that broke me. The choices that haunt me. The losses that still ache. I’m not asking You to sweep them into a dark corner and pretend they were never there. I’m asking You to sit with me in the middle of them—so I can face them, feel them, name them, process them, and then finally put them down.

Teach me how to face my broken pieces without worshiping them or building my whole identity around them. Guide my thoughts so I don’t run from them, but also don’t live trapped inside them. Guard my heart so my wounds don’t become excuses to stay small, bitter, or stuck. Steady me as I hold each piece in Your presence, let the emotions come, and then hand it to You instead of grabbing it back.

As I do this with You holding me, shape me into a better woman than I was yesterday. Not cleaner on paper, but truer in my core. A woman who has walked through fire with You and come out more compassionate, more grounded, and more aligned with Your heart. Use every scar as a place where Your grace shows, not just my pain.

I love You, Father. Thank You for not rushing my healing, for not babying my pain, and for never leaving me alone on this floor surrounded by what broke me. Keep doing the slow, holy work that actually changes who I am, not just how I feel.

In Your Son’s name, Jesus Christ,

according to studies, unhealed trauma can turn into dementia and autoimmune disease. your body remembers everything your mind tries to suppress. pain doesn’t disappear just because you avoid it. it hides in your muscles, your hormones, your nervous system, and waits for the chance to be heard.

if you have trauma, take steps to process and heal it sooner rather than later.

my toes sink deep into white sand as easy as i fell for you. i buried my way into your heart hoping never to be found again.

salt clings to my skin, and i think of how your fingers used to travel along the round of my calf. your lips have tasted every inch of my legs.

the water tries to imitate the color of your eyes. the blue greens swirl and bleed together and i want to swim in them once more. once again.

please don’t ask me to forget.

the memories i have are precious. they are a part of me. some of them are even still alive. i’m trying. i’m trying.

trying my hardest to put them to sleep. to detach them from me in such a way that i can live without them.

please don’t ask me to repeat.

my heart is brand new and it is yours. but not completely. not yet.

my head and my hands are learning. it’s hard to unwind from strings that i’ve been tangled to for so long. if i clench or recoil, please don’t forget that i am alone. i have no where to fall except to myself.

there’s never going to be anyone else to catch me but you.