powerofsmile

Kinda disappointing news:

Turns out he has a job interview on the date we’d planned the movie on, so I dunno if we’ll be watching it or not. A lot of the program isn’t exactly sketched out right now, for example, we haven’t been able to settle on a movie and the day and the exact time, and haven’t exactly confirmed it yet if we’ll be talking on call or not. Oh, and also, to make it work, I’ll have to stay up one whole night, so that makes it trickier.

Now I may have to stay up on a college night cause I really wanted to go ahead with this plan this week, and there are only a few days left.

I’ll talk to him about it, I guess. I dunno, I feel kinda.. well, meh.

Alright, so I know how it’s been going: friendly and platonic and blah blah blah

Honestly speaking, however, there are a few moments when both of us just blurt some stuff without putting as much thought into it. This talk involves stuff like wanting to cuddle, hang out, etc. Which is cool and radiates with comfort and warmth, but there’s a teeny little problem there - it increases our expectations towards the other person.

So, during one of these spur-of-the-moment-word-vomit moments, I proposed the idea of watching a movie with him this weekend with the following plan:

I’ll stay up the night - which would approximately be day time for him - and then we pick a movie to watch on an online streaming service so that we can somehow watch it together. Once we’ve set it up, we’ll probably call each other and do the ‘watch it together’ bit. That way, except for the physical aspect, we would actually be having a Movie Date (although it's a friendly date ONLY)

Anyway, the plan was working out well enough and we even shortlisted a bunch of movies, but I somehow felt like he wasn’t ready to be on call with me for over an hour. So when I told him to speak freely on whether or not we should execute the plan (multiple times, if I may add), he told me to give him until morning.

And now it's daytime there. And we haven’t talked about it yet. And I have this bad thing called anxiety which really isn’t helping.

Not that we aren’t talking - we have been since both of us woke up - but we just aren’t talking about the movie plan.

I’m really hoping the plan doesn’t cancel, although I completely understand if that’s how he wants it to be. Still, is it that bad to hope?

Anyway, let’s see. I’ll maybe text him regarding that in a few.

Okay, so my highlight of the day was feasting on not one, but two varieties of popcorn! Now you may be wondering what's got me all excited about it. The answer is simple: I'm allergic to it. Yet I ate it. Two bucketfuls of popcorn.

While I am ecstatic over this, I also took proper precaution — for example, buying water and carrying my anti-allergic with me. It's not really a big deal, y'know. So what my throat starts closing up and I start getting rashes all over my body. I mean, it's popcorn! I cannot negotiate on that now can I

PS. The two varieties I had were Cheese Popcorn AND Caramel Popcorn.

Does anyone get those weird dreams where an unknown blurry person is caressing your hair, laughing with you on jokes you can't exactly comprehend, cuddling with you as you lay on their arm with your body angled towards theirs, legs entangled, and exchanging happy nothings?

Does anyone just love being in love with the concept of love?

I do, which is why even though I know my almost-first-love won't work out, I find myself to be still on the lookout for love.

Am I naive? Probably Am I being careless? Maybe Am I ready to keep on loving no matter what? Definitely.

The hurt of heartbreaks didn't stop me before (although it did put me in a sad spot for a while), and I won't let it stop me still.

I wanna love foolishly, enjoy carelessly, learn slowly. I wanna keep loving, no matter what. I feel happy with those dreams, I feel happy hearing stories about a love which can last. I wanna love like no tomorrow.

A few weeks ago, I started falling for a friend. This was about 2 weeks after he'd told me that he was crushing on me, after which I was like "wait, so I can feel that way towards him?" sounds easy, doesn't it? a guy and a girl, falling for each other?

Well.. there's a twist. We got introduced by my ex-best-friend, who had this guy as a pretty good friend. A good online friend, that is. And this is the complication: we both live oceans apart, have never met each other, and probably never will. I mean, have you looked at the hiking airline rates? With the damaged economy, I don't think either of us would be able to make it through the distance for the other one. Which sucks, cause we've both admitted that if it weren't for the distance, we'd have probably started dating.

I know what you're thinking: what if its a fraud or a catfish, how can I trust him, etc etc. Believe me, I'm more logical than emotional, so I've cross-checked the facts on his identity, talked to his siblings, and kinda talked to him on call too. And it's not as though I haven't known him for long — cause I have. I've thought it all through and confirmed it all.

So the thing is that if we were a book, this would've played out perfectly. But we're not, and this is the reality. So as much as it pains me, as much as it hurts me that my first love will not work out, I have to be logical about this.

I'm not just saying this. I've had a few weeks time to think on this, I've talked to him about this, I've fought with him, and I've had a day when I became completely numb cause we agreed to be "just friends and nothing more."You see, as much as I realise it and as much as it squeezes the life out of my heart, I have realised today that my love for him as my friend exceeds my love for him as a lover. I guess he's my almost-first-love, huh. So instead of doubting my love for him, I'll embrace it. However, rather than perceiving it as romantic love, I'll embrace it as platonic love. But I won't stop loving.

I won't stop loving.