There is beauty in the broken

You were the dad I always hoped for. My own never wanted me and he made sure I never forgot that. Every slap, punch, pinch, insult and dirty look reinforced his hate. I knew by his actions that I wasn’t good enough and I never would be. Then I met your son and fell in love with him. The day he introduced me to you. I was so scared that day. I just knew you would hate me too. I thought the best I could hope for would be thinly veiled disgust. I was wrong, so very wrong. That first meeting you hugged me tight, kissed me on my head and told me you were so happy to meet your new daughter. And that’s what I was. I was your daughter. I got the fatherly advice, the inside jokes, the hugs I needed when I felt scared or alone. I got the unconditional love and acceptance from you that my own father refused. And now you are gone. I don’t know how to say goodbye to you Dad. I only had you in my life for a short time (27 years). I wanted more time with you. I hope that you are having the best after life with Wolfman, Rose, your mama and your sisters. I’ll see you when it’s my turn.

She is my true North, my light in the darkness. With her I am always home.

I want to make you feel how you make your children feel. You are a piece of shit and I hope that one day their pain will be yours

Every morning I claw my way out of the abyss. As I sit on the edge of the bed I dread the moment I have to stand up and put weight on my feet. I know that the moment I stand the pain will start. But I know that I don't have a choice...I have to stand, I have to force myself to walk and do the everyday things that for most are nothing but for me they cause pain. Walking, standing, bending, sitting....it doesn't matter, it hurts. The white hot, throbbing pain makes its way from my Achilles tendons to my knees, from my knees to my hips, hips to pelvis, pelvis to spine, spine to neck. A devilish domino effect that brings no joy, only pain,, distress, turmoil. I wish I could talk to someone, anyone about it. But I have no one who wants to hear it, only someone who thinks they are the only one who hurts and to them my pain is inconsequential.