#ripdad

“Deeply, I know this, that love triumphs over death. My father continues to be loved, and therefore he remains by my side.”

It’s been a bit of a dry spell (no pun intended - but by all means if it gave you a chuckle I’m glad) but I haven’t been very active in my practice lately. It’s been a HOT minute and so many things has happened in my life. What a hell of a year - not just for myself but SO many people to be honest !! I literally HATE 2020 and can’t wait for it be finally over. In this year alone - I have lost my job, lost my home ( had to move out of the apartment - after I lost my job I had to find another position immediately and it wasn’t sustaining our way of living any longer), and the GREATEST LOSS - I lost my father to cancer - 3 DAYS before my 30th birthday - one of the biggest birthdays I had been looking forwards to in my entire life ( I have my reasons - but because this is a public blog, I’ll leave it at that). Oh an get this … we had to have the wake for him ON my actual 30th birthday … do you know what it’s like to have to say good bye to one of your BEST FRIENDS who is also your parent - ON YOUR BIRTHDAY AND HAVE ABSENTEE family members WISH you a Happy Birthday followed with sly comments - I can’t stand my father’s side of the family. They were never there for us growing us and I’m GLAD we didn’t have them stand with use during “Calling Hours”. It’s reserved for FAMILY after all - no strangers that bare a family name. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him - how I’m going to go one without him; in the physical realm anyways. He’s already sent me a couple signs and while I find comfort in that - there will never be a substitute of having me father physically here with me. We we’re suppose to dance to “Butterfly Kisses” together at my wedding, and break into an upbeat dance, he was suppose to give this moving wedding toast and bounce his grandchildren on his knee. I have been robbed and lost al joy an all the things I once done - I haven’t cracked my journal this entire year - I think I wrote one entry but lets face it - better to just start fresh next year now … my great accomplishments as far as hobbies go... finishing  ONE book. So far for reading “20 books for 2020″. I don’t even feel connected to my tarot cards anymore … nothing …. and the picture of him or seeing his memorial in the house - just brings me to TEARS. 

Since the pandemic more intense, I haven't heard anything back from positions I was supposed to hear back from which makes me feel anxious. I recently joined a temp agency for marketing and design work. There was a temp gig and I was supposed to hear from this past week but nothing. And I applied to this full time remote position and I haven't heard from them either. Finding a job couldn't be harder during this time.

I received certified mail from my old bank about paying a minimum from an old credit card bill. Things have been so rough and I haven't been able to pay it. And now, they are saying that shits gonna hit the fan on April 18. (My father's bday Rip. What a fucking joke.) I'm literally praying to find a quick freelance gig so I can pay this.

My mom might lose the house. Despite the pandemic, the mortgage is just trying to break us down.

My mom is an essential worker. She's a director of nursing in NJ and a nursing supervisor in NYC. Patients at her NJ office has Covid-19 and my mom deals with asthma and other ailments. I'm so fucking worried.