♡Not Pro♡

Honestly, i wanna leave a friend behind me. I out grew them and they outgrew me, they dont support me in the ways I support them, so i feel like its time that i split off from them, and just leave.

I wish they would've helped me and stood up for me when people were talking shit behind my back instead of just silently taking it and telling me later, but its neither here nor there...

...... the next part of this vent is... graphic at the least...

My sui*idal ideation has increased quite a bit, simply because i know im never getting justice for what my abuser did to me, and ive been told so many times to leave it in the past and to forget about it. nobody will believe me when i tell them that he is still a dangerous piece of shit that uses people for s3xual gratification and emotionally abuses them.

Nobody believes me when i tell them that he is lying to everyone.

im starting to believe that the only way out of being in this much pain is to forget about it... to leave it in the past... i know im never getting justice for him strangling me, groping me without consent, and coercing me into giving him a blowjob when my first answer to the question, "do you want to do anything s3xual with me?" was "I dont want to do anything s3xual with you." and he persisted with "are you sure?" until i said yes "a blowjob i guess..." thinking it was the least invasive thing i could do to get him to stop. he didnt stop, i was 14 and he was 16. he would pressure me into sitting on his lap, he would touch my chest without asking me.

I remember the first time he touched me, i remember him pushing me over onto a metal chair, touching me while i was resisting, hoping that he would stop. his didnt stop, i had to give in other wise he would threaten suicide or claim that i had "promised"

he tapped on my bedroom window at 3am once. my friends knew what he did, and they were on a call with him when it all happened. they spread rumours and lies about me saying that I was lying about my sexual assault.

if i said or did something he didnt like, he would get so mad at me, and threaten self harm to make me feel so guilty.

when i broke up with him, he threatened suicide and tried to k*ll himself on the road infront of my house

i wish i knew that it wasnt my fault. i wish i knew i didnt owe him anything. i wish my mom called the police, not on me for being suicidal, but on him for making me feel so disgusted with myself. i still remember the taste of him, and for fucks sake, everyday i want to rip out my tongue, mutilate my mouth until its so unrecognizable. i want to make sure my thighs are so skinny and far apart that he couldnt use me the way he did. I want to make sure he never finds that appeal in me again.

he has my clothes still.

he wears my clothes still.

mom, why do i have to go to school with him? why must i be forced to live mere minuets away from him?

mom, why wasnt i taught that coercion still counted as sexual assault, and a yes that was forced wasnt truely a yes?

mom, why did you blame me?

i wish i got justice.

i can no longer eat the fresh pomegranates from my tree without getting that sick feeling of what he did to me behind that tree?

why can i no longer feel safe in my own bedroom?

why did he steal my first kiss, and pin me down to where i couldnt move until my grandma found us? when he did that, i felt his fucking d*ck rubbing against me.

why do i have to see him and brush past him every day in the school hallways?

im just 16 now, and he is 18.

i never got justice.

i still see him everyday.

nobody helped me, and nobody stood up for me when i was called a liar.

i had to fight everything on my own.

i dont want to fight anymore.

im so so tired.