i cant nap and i have never planned a nap in my life because whenever it happens by accident, in the afternoon or especially in the evening when the sun is about to set, i wake up with this crushing feeling of existence. one of the most horrid feelings i have repeatedly experienced. it starts with hearing a tv in the distance, children outside the window, possibly accompanied by a dog barking or a basketball being dribbled down the sidewalk. the rumbling of a car going down the street. crickets and birds upon many living their simple lives and sending their joyful chirps into my world. i shrink and shrink as if each noise i hear outside of the enclosed walls i am in is swallowing me, little by little. my whole world becomes that room and that bed in those moments, and it's as if no one knows about me and nothing will ever matter.
its not a matter of depression or not wanting to be here on this earth. when i wake up in the middle of night everything feels the exact opposite. peaceful and serene. quiet and i can even say motivational, my life and this world feels so eternal in that waking moment.
i've come to the conclusion that waking up from a daytime nap, its.... in a watered down more simple way of putting it, an extreme feeling of fomo and overwhelm about how many places i can belong to, yet i don't. it feels as if the whole world pushes me into a structure where my edges just don't fit quite right in. there is so much needed of me. and yet, the only thing that stops me from panicking and stopping this crushing feeling is by opening a curtain, stepping outside. accepting that we all have to conform to this reality, maybe? i can't quite tell.
i remember being at a friends house and falling asleep on their couch, and when i woke up this feeling came to me. i recall immediately wanting to open the curtains but it wasn't my place to do so, and i felt so small, like i was going to become nothing, getting smaller as each second passed me, like i was The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957)
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