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yo mr white do you wanna be fire boy or water girl

FedEx: shits on my box, stomps on my box, kicks it, dumps gasoline on it, throws one of my chickens into the back of the van UPS: whispers at my front door “is anyone home” as quietly as possible before leaving a “we missed you!” note, tries to gaslight me into thinking my address doesn’t exist USPS: sets my package down gently where it’s not visible from the road, knocks on the door and kisses me directly on the mouth

oh my god everyone quick close your eyes!!!!!!! hes ass

no okay so yes i make all my backgrounds in minecraft first im bad at perspective please dont cancel me

wowww okay unfollowing now! i was a huge fan of his cannibal dinner parties and artistic displays of his victim’s corpses, i had no idea he was dating one of his patients

“nobody in miami knows how to drive” “nobody in austin knows how to drive” “nobody in chicago knows how to drive” maybe we shouldnt have cars

straight women will say “ugh i wish i was gay it would be so much easier to just date a girl” as if gay women in their twenties aren’t some of the most insane people out there