personal updates & my ex
i might pop in here a bit more again so i wanted to say something clearly. me and yasmin broke up over a year ago due to her mistreating me for a long time. i tried very hard to make things work and it couldnt. this abuse was one of the main reasons i was acutely suicidal throughout 2024. (swedish healthcare sucks so bad, btw.)
we have long since "talked it out" and she acknowledged what she did was wrong, we still have some contact, we still care about each other in some way as humans. but for the sake of my feelings i really dont want to talk about her or have her be referenced to me anymore when its not necessary, so please dont reference her when talking to me. its complicated and i dont hate her, i worked hard to understand her struggles that lead to what happened, but i still dont want to feel like shit by talking about that past.
im dating someone else since some months back (who's currently not interested in horse games lol, but she respects my passion) and overall ive been rebuilding a much better life for myself during the past year. im very active in my local queer community since a year back, assisting/hosting meetups and such (i run a queer handicrafts club), last month i spoke at a panel on a stage about trans rights. i displayed some of my art at last year's pride in my town and am planning to do even more of it again this autumn (i also helped out with activities at pride in the queer mutual aid group im in, and helped carry the banner during the pride march through town). so a lot, lot of queer things irl that ive been doing that brought me a lot of good friends and a lot of fun times. ive never had this many friends in my life and never been treated this well irl or appreciated this much. i really recommend checking out your local queer community activities.
also i continued fighting the healthcare really hard and recently got an autism diagnosis! i didnt think i had autism, but earlier last year after some time of thinking it became rly clear to me that the reason i thought i dont have autism is bc i dont have adhd, and a lot of the info is confusing if you only have autism and not audhd, among other reasons. one of my new irl friends said "your autism is visible from afar", lol. im angry i had to fight so hard to get a diagnosis and to even understand this stuff in the first place, after living a very difficult life with very little support or understanding for who i am and how i function, but glad its been resolved in a way.
im currently done with therapy (for ptsd and abuse) and dont feel like i need it anymore (the therapist agrees), since i feel pretty good overall despite the ongoing difficulties with life. im excited and motivated to finally get to work on my projects (including horse games) without being abused anymore, without feeling depressed and pressured unfairly. i still dont have money but ive decided to use this new chance at life (as in, for the first time living without abuse, and having friends and community irl who support me!) to try to aim for my dreams this year and focus seriously on my art and my gamedev and see how it goes. i also plan to apply to gamedev uni classes for autumn as a help along the way to my dreams, if necessary. i dropped out of uni several times before (it's free in sweden) bc i was too unsupported, abused and depressed to be able to study, but i think i have a much better ability to pass classes now than i ever did before. still, it's not really my goal, i just want to start my own company and make games and other art, so that's the primary focus, but im considering things that can help me get there.
my gf bought me Horse Animset Pro for valentine's (she offered to buy me a game and i was like... how about a horse engine for 50% off?) which means i now have an easy way to start prototyping 3D horse games without having to do all the groundwork myself. i dont intend to use it as-is for all of eternity, since im interested in coding my own stuff, but it will really help me get started as a temporary thing for my early projects to get off the ground. i also moved recently (actually i moved 3 times within 3 months and it drove me crazy for a bit, but now im safe in this flat for a year!) and am still getting settled and unpacking, and i have a lot of things going on with my irl activities and supporting my gf through her mental health struggles, so im not making any fast progress. but bit by bit im sorting out my plans and practising to get used to working on digital projects again, and getting used to simple things like listening to music for inspiration, many things i just havent been able to do normally bc of what i went through for so many years (or for my whole life until now, in some cases).
as a bonus for any crazy freak who read this all the way to the end (i love u. i hope u have an epic fucking weekend), my gender identity is now somewhere between trans and genderqueer (i hate gender and it shouldnt exist) and ive been identifying as a lesbian lately. i know that is prob surprising but i dont really feel like explaining much else about this rn. my gf is a lesbian and is fine with it so i dont think anything else really matters atm, fighting fascism together is kinda a bigger deal than what random queer people somewhere on the planet are feeling about their feelings about their queerness. my queerness has been complicated and i wasnt honestly open about it online, partially on my own accord and partially bc of queerphobic exes, and my feelings about my identity has also changed in the past year, which is why im choosing to talk about it now. im going to go into my creative projects proudly as an autistic trans/gq lesbian and not be worried anymore of what everyone else thinks about me or how they treat me regarding my identity. bc now i have friends and a gf who understand and support me properly irl.
i dont really want replies to this, i just want to share it as an update and leave it at that, but ofc i wont be mad if someone responds. im just not really posting for that.
