Emotional quicksand
Depression. Anxiety. Panic attack. Mental health. Indeed it's a quagmire of a subject within our South Asian community. It's supportive these superstar athletes share their experiences and help others confronting mental health challenges. Can't run away from your mind, no matter how hard one tries. The following is the most descriptive reflection on a couple of episodes I endured. Kevin Love's story published in The Players' Tribune served as a catalyst for me to reflect on the experiences and to share them.
Having had experienced a panic attack for the first time in early 2016 during a kid's birthday party my thoughts about mental health would be changed forever. That first panic attack is etched into my memory. It was just as the magic show was beginning. The clown had the kids completely absorbed into the act. Witnessing those kids completely enjoying a simple magic show and it evoking such laughter, thrills, and joy delivered me into emotional quicksand. "Holy shit" that's what I said and I bounced to an outside area behind the dining hall where it was isolated. I haven't ever truly explored what could have caused that episode. Maybe I just freaked out after needing a laugh and unable to locate one. Thereafter I was fraught with fear about two things, (1) not knowing the cause and (2) when and where would the next one strike?
It took a little more than a year before the next panic attack and I was overseas returning from a business trip. I had just dropped off my baggage and was walking to security. While in the middle of the cavernous airport concourse the air in my lungs was replaced with terrorizing emptiness. The legs were frozen yet we're compelled to move by the need to isolate myself and avoid attracting unnecessary attention. After all I was a brown skinned dude in an airport of a major European city. Definitely didn't want to get gunned down because I was freaking out or not being able to speak. I escaped to a nearby restroom and locked the door. I couldn't control my breathing and felt as if I was going to suffocate.
I called my wife hoping her voice would settle me down. She answered and I couldn't speak. I was able to utter the words "I'll call you later". I realized I may only cause her to worry incessantly while I'm far away. I quick dialed my best friend. It was about 5-6am his time and he picked up said "hey, hello" a few times. I couldn't speak and then mustered the courage to ask him for help. I recall telling him in between heavy breaths "I don't know why I'm freaking out but I'm freaking out. By this point I was balling. The tears gushed out and for the first time after this attack began I felt some relief. I was able to calm down with my buddy on the end of the phone patiently being present. It felt like an awful long time but it was only a few minutes from the onset of the debilitating sensation of fright to when I wiped away the last of the tears.
Minds are fragile. The thoughts and feelings we expose our mind to chart the course of the mind's journey. It's hard for me to say what caused the anxiety behind the panic attacks. I haven't done nearly enough self reflection to improve my own mental health. This is the first time I am bold enough to share these experiences in such an open way. There's some trepidation about judgement. But I know I have my wife and friends' unconditional love. I communicate more openly with my wife about stresses which may ultimately accumulate and cause me harm. Perhaps that will address any underlying issues. Who knows? Communication can't hurt though.
There are major issues involving mental health affecting people these days. Perhaps sharing the experiences is a way to embrace those feeling disillusioned about their mental "breakdowns." Making an effort to contribute to removing the stigma associated with having conversations about mental health may help me confront my own mind's health.
*I'm fine. Not looking for consolation or support. Just be kind to anyone you know who may seem "off" or "aloof" and be the friend who listens patiently without judgement. Everyone is going through something.












