Joyfully Rejoycing

Don’t teach. Don't tell them what to do. Don’t make “Be truthful” a rule. Rules stop thinking. We want children to make thoughtful choices, not rule-bound choices.

Make being trusted valuable. Be trustworthy. If you say you will do something, do it. If you say, “Let’s do that tomorrow,” do it tomorrow. If you can't, apologize and remake plans. Treat your promises to your child as do with a friend whose trust you don't want to lose.

Trust your child to make thoughtful choices. At first, they won’t be good at it. They’re still in the "toddler" stage. They can't see the big picture well, yet. But trust they’re doing the best they can with their level of development. If they needed to do better, they need your help. Listen to why they thought their way would work and why the safer, less hurtful way wouldn’t. Together figure out how the safer, less hurtful way can work next time. Expect them to make mistakes. Help them become more thoughtful problem solvers rather than rule followers.

Be truthful. Tell the truth yourself, even when a white lie would avoid the uncomfortable consequences. People don’t lie because they're bad. They lie because the truth creates problems that a lie can avoid.

Pay attention to times when a white lie will avoid complications. Do you make up excuses to avoid facing someone’s anger or disappointment?

Be trustworthy. Pay attention to your reaction to the truth. When someone does something you didn’t want them to, how do you react? Are you angry? Are you upset? Can others trust you to find out why they made a different choice? Are you the one people can’t trust to share the truth with?

What to Do When My Child Lies? 13 Ways to Respond, Prevent, and Strengthen Honest Communication is a good article to help you understand why people lie.

Children need more. "Don’t lie,” is easy to understand. But children need more than a memorized rule to make wise, thoughtful decisions. They need to value trusting others and being trusted. They need to learn what to do when the truth causes someone to make their life unpleasant.

Opinion | Happy Children Do Chores

Children who consider themselves necessary to the family are less likely to feel adrift in a world where everyone wants to feel needed.

When people feel their work is valued and valuable, they themselves feel valued by the group and valuable to the group. When that happens they willingly give back.

Being a part of the routine work of running a household helps children develop an awareness of the needs of others, while at the same time contributing to their emotional well-being.

Do people “develop an awareness of others needs and increase their emotional well-being” just by having a job at a company?

Aren’t some jobs soul-sucking? Isn’t the experience at some companies so draining that some people put in only enough effort to keep their paycheck coming?

What effect would it have if those jobs didn’t pay? What if the worker couldn’t quit? What if the worker could only trade one drudgery for another?

Because we can’t see inside another person, too often we confuse acting with feeling. A child who is made to do chore looks like a contributing member. But the child feels like conscripted labor. They even act like conscripted labor! But as long as they’re going through the motions of being a contributing member parents hope they’ll one day feel it.

When has any adult come to feel valued and valuable by doing conscripted labor? If there has ever been a time, it’s probably some version of Stockholm Syndrome.

Does that mean children should never do chores? No, it means if the goal is feeling like a contributing member, then focus on children feeling valued and valuable.

If you ask a friend for help with a big task, presumably you wouldn’t want to damage your relationship and wouldn’t want an experience so unpleasant they wouldn't want to help next time.

Forget chores. Invite children to help. As you might a friend. Which means they can say, “No, sorry, I can’t,” without even giving you a reason!

Be someone they want to spend time with. In fact, make that part of it. Invite them to spend time with you while you work. Talk about stuff. Ask them how their favorite video game is going. Use it as a time to connect. Listen to an audiobook together. Offer to share bits of your task as you might offer to share your snack. Ask for real help like, “Can you open the draw for me?” “Would you rather carry the sheets or the linens to the closet? That way it will only take one trip.”

When they help, be appreciative of what they’ve done. The first rule of managing volunteers is, Don’t piss off the volunteers. They’ve given you their time when they could have been doing something they enjoy. If they find you don’t value their contributions, they won’t want to help next time. Focus less on the task and more on the willingness of the child to be helpful. Just as you would with a friend.

Be mindful of their enjoyment and abilities. If it’s a task they’re struggling with, offer help, offer something else. Apologize that you hadn’t realized the task was so tricky. Just as you would with a friend.

Thank them sincerely for their time and effort. If it was a big task, reward yourselves with a snack, a show or something your child would like to do with you. Just as you would a friend.

As a side effect, they see how to ask volunteers for help. — Really ask! Make it a real question the volunteer can say, No, thanks, to. — They get to see how to be mindful of volunteers’ help and appreciate their time and effort.

Chores don’t make children happy. Chores make children miserable. Contributing meaningfully and being appreciated for time and effort make people happy.

I’ll go off on a tangent for a moment. What parents call “responsibilities” are more often “conscripted labor.”

Adult responsibilities are tasks we choose to do to a level we feel is appropriate. While there are responsibilities most adults wouldn’t ever consider dropping — like taking care of children — the truth is they are still a choice. We could drop them. There would be consequences! We choose not to drop them because we don’t like the real-life consequences to our reputation or to the life we want to live.

When a parent assigns or makes a child choose chores, they aren’t like adult responsibilities. Children have no personal investment in the chores or so-called responsibilities. They can’t choose the level of commitment. If their chore is to mow the lawn, it needs to be done to the parents’ standards, not to theirs. Unlike adults, they can’t choose to turn the lawn into a meadow. They can’t choose to live in a condo where other people take care of the lawn. Unlike hired help who will be expected to adhere to the standards of who is paying them, children aren’t paid. Even if they are, they can’t negotiate a better price or turn down jobs they don’t want. They are essentially conscripted labor. Which is why they act as they do. They grumble, complain and do as little as possible. Just as you’d expect conscripted labor to do.

Which is why I didn’t put so-called responsibilities on my child. I invited him to help. I trusted he had the drive to become more competent at life and supported his efforts. (Dan Pink’s TEDTalk on The puzzle of motivation has excellent insights into what drives us.)

But I think by “responsibilities” you mean something else. Maybe you mean accountability for consequences of actions.

What kind of accountability for consequences of actions should you never put on the shoulders of your young children?

The one that comes to mind is holding a child responsible for how a parent feels. Some parents will use emotional manipulation to control a child’s behavior.

No child of any age makes a parent mad, sad, disappointed, frustrated, etc. Sometimes parents are mad, sad, disappointed, frustrated, etc. That’s feedback and a statement of fact. It isn’t blaming the child for the parent's feelings. But a parent who says “You made me mad,” is saying the child has a responsibility to act right so the parent can feel okay.

Another type of accountability parents sometimes expect is for children to follow rules when the parent isn’t around. Rules are like remote parenting. Children are handed a rule and parents expect the child to act as if the parent were there to monitor them. If a child breaks the rule, it’s bad.

From my view, what can help children make better decisions is principles, not rules. The purpose of rules is to stop a child from thinking and just obey. Discussing principles encourages a child to think so they can make better decisions.

If a child is stuck in a situation where they need/want to do something, but the rule is in the way, do they obey the rule or think through the situation. When parents make following rules the child’s responsibility, the child is stuck. They know the choice they’ve memorized, but they haven’t been allowed the experience of thinking through possibilities, weighing pros and cons, coming up with a solution they feel best meets the principles. (They won’t be great at this at the beginning. The more practice they have, the better they’ll get.)

If principles are things like be kind, be helpful, be safe, a child can weigh them and come up with a solution they feel prioritizes them best and balances them. It may be not the best solution, but it will be a solution the child put thought into. Afterward, a parent can talk about what worked, what didn’t work and what might work better next time.

The last one I can think of is any accountability the child shows they aren’t ready for. Don’t set your child up for failure. If a child has shown they can’t yet handle something, don’t expect a lecture to fix what requires time and more maturity. No child should be expected to control their impulses around pets until they’ve consistently shown they’re able to. No child should be asked to watch a sibling until they’ve consistently shown they’re able to. The safety of children (pets, property) is the parents’ responsibility. It’s the parents’ responsibility to know what their children are capable of. If they ask one child to watch another, stay away from the dog, not touch something breakable, the parent isn’t handing off their own responsibility. The parent is still responsible if the watching child isn’t up to the task.

As part of a world religions class at our UU church, we visited houses of worship during their services. One was a Sikh ashram. One rule they have is that it’s disrespectful to point the soles of your feet at the altar (at the front of the worship space). That’s not hard to avoid if you’re sitting in a chair, but they worship sitting or kneeling on the floor.

As a Westerner not used to sitting on the floor, it’s very uncomfortable after ten minutes or so. I was paying attention to the speaker and my body just naturally kept shifting to a more comfortable position with my legs stretched out.

How did the people nearby handle it? Did they impose negative consequences on me? No. Someone just gently reminded me each time. They assumed I wasn’t being deliberately disrespectful. They assumed I wanted to do better.

That’s what I did with my son. I always assumed he wanted to do better. If he wasn’t, something was in his way. It might be a lack of understanding. It might be he was too young to understand. It might be because he couldn’t figure out how to make a solution work within the boundaries.

My role was to be his partner in finding a better way to meet his needs. I wanted him to trust me as someone who wanted to help, not as someone who might punish him if I caught him.

The way I see it is, if you’re trying to get to the store but the bridge is damaged, a policeman telling you “No,” helps keep you off the bridge. But if they feel they must impress on you how very bad it would be to cross the bridge that’s not helpful. If they went on about how very bad you were to even think of crossing the bridge, it would be humiliating and might make you angry. Because what you really want is to get to the store, not to cross the bridge. You want help with a detour to the store.

And that’s what kids want. They don’t want a big deal made of what they can’t do. They want help with what they can do instead.

I don’t like rules for parenting. Rules are like remote parenting. Hand a child a rule then expect them to follow it as if a parent were there. But what if there’s a problem? The child knows what not to do. But can they figure out what to do instead?

I like principles for parenting. Principles are more open ended. With principles children can ask “Is what I’m about to do kind? How can I solve this and be kind?” (It takes some thought and practice not to turn them into rules and commands like “Be kind!”) Like all people, children are problem solvers. They want solutions that work for them.

My focus wasn’t on the boundaries but how to solve problems within the boundaries. That sounds like the same, but from a child’s point of view it isn’t. They may know not to hit, but they don’t have repertoire of skills to draw on. My attitude wasn’t “Don’t hit!” but “Stop! Let’s figure out a better way.” (Not hitting would already be clear from having been said or being redirected. If older kids are hitting, it isn’t because they don’t understand “No hitting.” It’s because they don’t know how to solve the problem another way. They need help from someone more experienced.)

If children become confident through experience that there are solutions within the boundaries, there’s no reason to cross the boundaries.

As for never choosing to do something wrong, that’s going to set parents and children up for failure. Children — people — learn by trying out their ideas. They believe something will work. They try it. If it works, it confirms their understanding of how the world works. If it doesn’t, they rethink their understanding then try something else. If children are frightened of doing something “wrong,” they can be hesitant to try out their ideas. They can become those adults who rely on experts to tell them the right way to live.

To become thoughtful, children need opportunities to think their own thoughts and try out their ideas. They need an atmosphere where it’s safe to try out their ideas that may be a bit wonky. They need to feel supported by parents who are willing to help them tweak their ideas for safety, practicality and respect for others’ needs.

If we want children to grow into adults who can face a new problem and come up with a thoughtful solution, children need to grow a tool box of principles not a set of memorized rules that may not apply to the situation.

So, no it’s not possible for a child to never choose to do something that he or she knows is wrong. They’ll face problems that they can’t figure out how to solve. They want to become more competent at life. They don’t want to keep asking adults for solutions. They want to use their brains to come up with their own solution. Sometimes they’ll mess up.

Can someone parent a child effectively without ever having to impose negative consequences? Absolutely. Children don’t learn best when they’re afraid. They learn when they have confidence that their parents want to help them find safe, respectful, doable ways to solve a problem.

Schooling is done in school. Education can happen anywhere. Education suggests a high standard. Schooling is whatever quality a school offers.

Both should mean acquiring a body of knowledge. He’s getting an education. She’s being schooled. They’re receiving an education.

Problem one is that if you ask a hundred people what “body of knowledge” an education refers to, you’ll get a hundred different answers. It’s hard to work towards a goal when hundreds are labeled “body of knowledge”! ;-) Some may even object that education shouldn’t be about acquiring a body of knowledge. It should be growing an ability to learn, to think, to understand, to do, to take action.

Problem two is neither education or schooling means a body of knowledge will be acquired. They both mean a body of knowledge will be presented. The presentation can happen without the person acquiring anything.

And there’s the flaw. All the focus is on what happens outside person: the teaching. The important part is what happens inside the person: the learning.

If a teacher teaches but the person doesn’t learn, what did the teacher do? If the person doesn’t or can’t pull in what’s being presented, both are just wasting their time.

Problem three is that schools are treated as if teacher and student were a team.They’re treated like a quarterback and a receiver on a football team. The quarterback/teacher throws. The receiver/student receives. On a football team that works. Both quarterback and receiver want to be there. They both love what they’re doing. That makes it easy to train them to work together.

But schools need to operate where anyone can be plunked into the receiver position whether the person wants to be there or not.

Private schools and colleges are like football teams. They work well because the receiver/student wants to be there. It’s not because the quarterback/teachers are better. Not because they have better footballs. It’s because the schools get to take the receiver/students who want to be on the team.

Public schools work (when they work) because some students want to be there. But if the purpose of public school is universal education, then it’s unreasonable to see teacher and student as part of a team where both have chosen to join. Even Tom Brady can’t get someone to catch his passes if they don’t want to be there. Hitting a reluctant person harder and more accurately with a football makes them want to catch it even less.

If education is to happen, then it needs a model that reflects the actual relationships. Every child is born curious and eager to learn. But eager to learn doesn’t mean they want information shoveled at them in assembly-line fashion (and punished if they don’t take it in.) Education is easy when children are seen as eager to explore what interests them. They don’t want to be conscripted as receivers. They want to be who they are. They will educate themselves when the environment nurtures who they are.

Democratic education and Unschooling are educational approaches that focus on what supports the learner pulling what interests them in. One thing that interferes with learners pulling is teachers pushing. What helps learners most are mentors who can be what the learner needs. A mentor creates an environment that feeds the learner’s interests and nurtures their curiosity, When that happens, children don’t receive an education, they grow their own education tailored to their needs, skills, and interests.

Children don’t want freedom in the adult meaning of the word. Children want to feel safe and secure while they explore what sparks their curiosity. They want to trust adults are taking care of their physical needs while children are free to figure out how the world works.

Picture a mother mountain lion. She finds a safe secure location to have her babies in. The babies’ entire existence is devoted to play. They have the freedom to do that because their mother takes care of safety, feeding and keeping them clean. She’s there by their side watching over them. They don’t want the “freedom” to wander away from the den to do anything they please in the world. They want to be free from worrying about the dangers of the world so they can play.

Through play they learn how to move their bodies, stalk, pounce, defend themselves, be watchful. Mother brings back mice for them to play with and learn how to kill. When they’re old enough, she takes them out to watch her hunt and eventually join her. When they’re adults, they have the instinct and drive to go off on their own. Then they have adult freedom to do what they want in the world.

That’s what all young of animal species with long childhoods are driven to do. They’re driven to play, that is, to explore what sparks their curiosity. It’s how nature has honed animals to be able to learn new things and understand their world when they’re born only with a few built in instincts.

Compulsory education doesn’t get in the way of that. Factory model schools get in the way of that. Factory model schools prevent children from playing, exploring, discovering. Instead children are made to memorize predigested information and spit it back on tests. Democratic schools, magnet schools, unschooling all are forms of education that provide an environment built around children’s natural ability to learn through exploring what interests them.

In the 1960s and 1970s John Holt studied how children learn. He didn’t study how children learn in school. He studied how children learn when free to explore what caught their interest. His purpose was to provide solid information for schools to design better environments for children’s learning. What he found was that much of what public schools were doing interfered with how children learn. He wrote about what he discovered in How Children Fail and How Children Learn.

Holt eventually realized public schools didn’t want to create better learning environments. They wanted to keep doing what they were doing, just better. They wanted to be better at teaching, not better at nurturing discovery. That realization led him to begin what he dubbed, unschooling, a homeschooling approach that provided the safe, supportive, rich environment children needed to learn through exploring.

Let me sum up what I have been saying about learning. I believe that we learn best when we, not others, are deciding what we are going to try to learn, and when, and how, and for what reasons or purposes; when we, not others, are in the end choosing the people, materials, and experiences from which and with which we will be learning; when we, not others, are judging how easily or quickly or well we are learning, and when we have learned enough; and above all when we feel the wholeness and opennesss of the world around us, and our own freedom and power and competence in it. When then can we do about it? How can we create or help create these conditions for learning? — John Holt, What Do We Do Monday

Compulsory education preserves childhood as a time for learning. It doesn’t undermine children’s freedom. It provides exactly what they need. What gets in the way is providing factory schools for learning.

Why Are Finland's Schools Successful? Because they recognize children’s natural desire to explore, discover and learn. Education is just as compulsory in Finland as it is in the US. It’s just that Finland doesn’t treat their children like products on an assembly line.

Harsh responses — yelling, hitting, belittling — often come from a need to control. You want the kids to stop running around screaming. You tell them to stop. They don’t. They aren’t in your control. And that’s frustrating. You want a button to push to get the family under control. But there isn’t one.

Drop the expectation that just telling them to do or stop doing something will work. If you’re happily reading a book and your spouse tells you to stop because it’s bugging him, does it fill you with a desire to fulfill his wishes? Or do you think, Who elected you dictator?

Children are human. They have needs that don’t shut off at the convenience of parents. Some parents can get kids to obey through threats of punishment, but that just drives their needs into hiding. To make their parents happy — or at least get them to stop yelling, kids need to pretend they don’t have the needs anymore. The parent blissfully thinks what they’re doing works.

When you feel like yelling, stop and take a deep breath. Let it out fully. Then give yourself two choices. Pick the one that is closer to the parent you want to be. Here’s what a wise parent said about this:

My suggestion to you is to focus on making a "better" choice each time you can. I think that was the most helpful advice I got as a parent of younger kids—it was surprisingly practical and encouraging to simply consider at least two choices and pick the better one. The next time, try to think of the one you did choose and then one other—pick the better one. If you make a choice you're unhappy with, after the fact, think then about what would have been a better choice—have that one "on hand" for next time.

Don't expect to be perfect, but expect yourself to be improving all the time.

Pam Sorooshian

That’s from Making the better choice where there are more suggestions. Another view is, Make the better choice.

Also, when you can, ask yourself where these feelings of irritation and need to control are coming from. Are you hungry, tired, over extended? The first two are easier. The third needs some reflection. Where can you cut back so that you can be fully present for your kids?

Is there some area of your life that you feel out of control in? Is this triggering you to try to control something less powerful than you? Some have found taking control of something you can control — like cleaning out a closet, organizing the garage — can be therapeutic.

Parenting Peacefully has some more helpful ideas. A sound file that’s 2/3 of the way down the page can be a good place to begin.

Expecting a child to not want things is unrealistic.

A person who adopts a non-materialistic lifestyle has had a life time of choice to have stuff but then eventually chose not to.

Raising a child with the idea that stuff is bad, deprives a child of choice. (Or raising them to believe that less stuff is good. Or that people who don't want are better. However the idea gets expressed.) Lack of choice makes a huge difference in how they think about an idea.

Children who are told that wanting is wrong, can feel guilty for wanting stuff. Or they can feel unworthy of parents’ attention. Or they can feel superior for depriving themselves. Or they can look down on those who don’t deprive themselves. They haven’t had the opportunity to accumulate stuff and draw the conclusion that they don’t want stuff themselves. They’ve been told their feelings are wrong.

The outward appearance of choosing to have little and being made to act as if you want little may look the same but what’s going on inside each person is totally different.

Children do, though enjoy making others happy. Invite them to do kind things for others with you. Make the acts kid appropriate. If the child isn’t enjoying it, the activity will have the opposite effect. The primary goal should be the child’s enjoyment. Do random acts of kindness with your child for other people in the family. The effects will be more immediate, personal and relatable. Join in on meal delivery for a sick parishioner. Volunteer at an animal shelter.

Do random acts of kindness for your child too. Maintenance — making meals, washing clothes, schlepping kids around — don’t count. Take time to spend with your child doing something your child loves. Show them they’re worth your time.

While my mother did a good job taking care of us, one clear memory I have of her is the one time she sat down and cutout paper dolls with me. I made sure my son had lots of memories of us doing things he enjoyed. As he became older, as a teen he was happy to things for me.

Children can enjoy making others happy when they don’t feel they’re being deprived for someone else’s happiness. Create a sense of abundance. Abundance doesn’t mean having lots of stuff. It means feeling that wants are not beyond reach. Be creative in finding ways to provide for a child’s wants. Involve the child in the hunt through second-hand stores and yard sales. My son became a great hunter because I didn’t deprive him of the option of paying full price. But searching for bargains became like a fun game that we played together. How can we get that for as little as possible?

He did accumulate quite a bit in childhood — cheaply! And then as an adult he was able to let it all go. Now he lives quite frugally because he wasn’t deprived.

If a parent says through their actions, “I don’t care whether you’re happy. I need to show you that it’s important to do nice things for others,” the child is likely to reject that message. They’ll feel that what is theirs — their parent’s attention and generosity — is being taken from them to be given to another.

I think it’s important for kids to develop a good relationship with tooth care. If it’s an enjoyable experience children will naturally take over more and more of it as they get older. Just like with walking and talking, kids want to be more competent at life. On their own schedule. Just like adults, they resist being pushed into activities they don’t yet want to do. If it’s stressful, they’re resist even more.

Until kids have naturally taken over, parents should be responsible. Tooth care is too much responsibility to hand over to a child who isn’t interested in it.

Some ways to ease kids into dental care:

Recognize that when kids first get teeth that having a pleasant experience with tooth care is way more important than clean teeth. If they had fun holding a brush, chewing on it, or opening their mouth to let you touch their teeth with a brush or cloth, that’s a win.

Unless a child enjoys toothpaste, water will work just as well at the beginning.

Let the child brush your teeth. Give them a tip or two when they seem open to it (they do want to be more competent at grown up tasks), but make a good experience be what counts.

Brush teeth together. As a kid I remember it took aaaages all alone while the rest of the family was doing something more interesting. When it’s a companionable activity, kids will brush better and longer.

There are more ways than brushing to help teeth stay cleaner. It can cause panic and a need to force kids when parents believe there’s one and only one way to accomplish something and it must be done perfectly for it to work. Breathe. Fear will cause more problems than it will solve.

Let the child pick out their own toothbrush and toothpaste. Expect to have to go through several purchases. Don’t let penny pinching get in the way of creating a good relationship with dental care. In the long run, a child finding products they’re happy with will be pennies compared to forced dental work.

Some kids are very sensitive to textures and tastes. Be the one they trust the most to help them find a solution.

There are some ideas at Toothbrushing Ideas. Here are the ideas From Brushing Teeth to Cleaner Teeth:

My son Jude (4) had his first visit to the dentist the other day. Six cavities! We've come up with a game to play that he really loves; inspired by his love of computer war games! Sergeant Green (his green toothbrush) enters the battle ground, shooting and brushing away all the acid spraying bad bugs. When Sergt. Green's health is running low from battle, Jude holds out his hand with boxes of health for collection. When the battle is over, Sergt. Green retires for the day, returning for combat before Jude goes to bed. All good fun!! — Kathryn

When our boys did not like to brush their teeth, we bought a few toothbrushes and types of toothpaste for each of them. It turned it from "let's brush" to which toothbrush, which bathroom, which toothpaste. With all the choices they forgot they did not really like having their teeth brushed. — Amanda

My son has sensory issues and hates the feel of bubbles in the mouth. He brushes with that pink kiddie mouthwash stuff on his brush.

My three year old likes me to scream while she brushes. "Haha we're hiding in the teeth. Yummy teeth. Oh no, here comes the toothbrush .… Aaaaaahhhh, helllp, noooooo, noooooooooo! We'll hide on the top teeth! No, she's on to us! Arrrgh!" And on like that for however long it takes to get the job done, or until she gets bored. It works best if I really ham it up. Alternatively, brushing while listening to or singing Weird Al Yankovic's "Microscopic Bacteria" is entertaining and motivating. — Tamara

I read somewhere recently (I think ... I don't think I came up with this one on my own) that someone suggested looking for foods in the mouth. I brush Storm's teeth on the bed (very rarely in the bathroom, because he prefers lying in bed) and just have an overhead light, so sometimes it's hard to see. Recently, I started telling him if he opened wide enough, maybe I could see all the way down to his stomach to see what he ate for dinner -- that did the trick. So, I rattle off things I remember him eating, ask about stuff if I need more time or forgot and it works wonders. Silly comments like "Look at all those pieces of hot dog!" or "Do I see a tiny bit of grape in there?... Yes, I think I do!". Sometimes, when I'm finished brushing his teeth, he'll ask to brush mine. Wyl (9), seems to like company when he brushes. — De

I was expecting but didn't see it, the use of a water pick. That is what my youngest is using these days. She puts toothpaste in her mouth and kind of chews it around and then uses the water pick to spray off food and get in between teeth. She refuses to use a toothbrush, she really dislikes brushing. We've tried all kinds of toothbrushes and toothpastes, and none of them really got her into brushing her teeth. The water pick works great.

We also use the fluoride free Tom's apricot toothpaste, since she doesn't like any of the other flavors. The fluoride free Tom's strawberry was her favorite but we can't find it anymore, it has banana and fluoride in it now and is no longer enjoyed. — Jenny Cyphers

I have always looked for cartoon characters in my kids mouth while I brush their teeth. We have looked for Spider-man, Batman, Star Wars characters, Backyardigans, etc. Sometimes it gets a little difficult because the kids giggle so much : ) In the beginning I didn't even called it brushing teeth. I make up some sort of silly name for it, and I very dramatically "play" with their teeth and the left over "food" in their mouth. Tooth brushing is just another playful moment in our house. — Jeanette Crichton

It is interesting, I've just been doing a quick and cursory exploration of the world of oral bacteria via google and found this: Prevention - Dental Caries which shows that the earlier you get mutans streptococci the more prone to caries/cavities you are, with absolutely no discussion of how much you brush or floss your teeth. Here's an abstract about the natural history of Streptoccus sanguinis (a benign oral bacteria) Natural History of Streptococcus sanguinis in the Oral Cavity of Infants: Evidence for a Discrete Window of Infectivity I think I like it most because it refers to oral bacteria as "indigenous biota of the human oral cavity". Oh, how I love science!! There is this talk abstract: Colonization of mutans streptococci in caries-free Swedish teenagers which found no difference in colonization of mutans streptococci in caries free Swedish teenagers and caries prevalent Swedish teenagers. Similar finding here: Colonization with Mutans Streptococci and Lactobacilli and the Caries Experience of Children after the Age of Five with the added comment that it isn't diet that is doing it. Oh, I could do this for a long time.

It's really cool. It isn't scary, or something to be used to scare a child with, they are cavities, holes in your teeth caused by acids. The bacteria, the indigenous biota, are just living there, they are indigenous. Well, they are indigenous from about 30 months old, on average. Yes, toothbrushing makes a difference Caries Research 1999 Vol. 33, No. 2 (an old paper, 1999, but cool for the British social class stuff -- I'm assuming that's what the manual versus non-manual mention is about). A big difference. But it isn't going to keep you clear of caries if you are prone to getting them.

Hard cheese is supposed to be quite good for regulating the population of mutans streptococci, quick search shows that lactobacilli tends to keep populations of mutans streptococci in check. Xylitol has been shown to reduce plaque and when mother's chew it for the first couple of years of their child's life the colonization of the child's teeth by mutans streptococci is delayed and thus caries are less likely to occur. — Schuyler Waynforth

It turned out that he just didn't like the toothpaste. He had switched from a fruit flavored kid toothpaste to a minty adult paste. He discovered that he hates mint, but didn't realize that he could just switch back to his old toothpaste. Now he uses that Crest citrus flavor, which has some mint in it, but he doesn't seem to mind that. — Carron Armstrong

Isn't it funny when a really big deal turns out to be about something so simple?!? I laughed when I read this, because a few weeks ago Jade (one of my 3 1/2 year old twin girls) told me she didn't ever want to brush because the toothpaste is 'howibwe' … it was kids minty something or other. After she told me that we went out and found Tom's apricot flavour (tastes like jam) and she's been brushing non-stop ever since. Oh, and they also got to pick out a fancy motorized Dora toothbrush which delights them to no end :). — Jodi Bezzola

How about using xylitol mints and gum instead of brushing?? check Xylitol.org — Alex Polikowsky

Or peelu gum... — Zoa Conner

If your child has weak enamel over-brushing can CAUSE cavities as well. I have strong enamel and take horrid care of my teeth. I just turned 37 and have no cavities. Both my parents have full dentures and both brothers have mouthes full of fillings. But I can't for the life of me see telling a child that the "bugs" will bore through the teeth until the child screams in pain will bring you closer or make the child think you are nice. FWIW I'd leave the kid alone. Tell the kid about brushing, why we do it and then leave it be. My kids are not forced to brush their teeth. But they have several flavors of toothpaste, different brushes, and gauze pads to use instead of brushes if they wish. It's their mouth … I leave them alone about it. — Karen Swanay

The point was that it often doesn't help to overstate consequences to children, because it can erode trust if the outcome isn't what Mom said it would be. I think the use of color tablets or other items might be great for some people! The question is whether you should tell children they'll get cavities and pain if they don't brush.

Because some will rarely brush and never get a cavity, others will brush faithfully and get lots! We don't want to mislead children in order to get them to do something. That's all. — Ren

To eat an apple or carrot or piece of fullcorn bread [bread made of whole corn grain] cleanses the teeth good enough. — Ulrike Haupt

I have flossed and brushed every day for my entire 41 year old life, and yet every trip to the dentist shows up yet another cavity or some other form of decay. It's just the way I'm built. My husband on the other hand never flosses, never brushes at night and has never had a cavity. — Jodi Bezzola

I have a child in the exact situation ... I made sure to provide lots of implements ... interesting power brushes, milder toothpaste (or even no toothpaste!) and just modeled good dental hygiene. Making it a battle isn't going to accomplish much other than proving to him that you don't trust him and that he can't trust you. Forcing a child who has what sounds like sensory issues and has a history of dental issues is really setting him up for difficulty. My son has gotten better about brushing now that he's noticed that sometimes people have bad breath ... he's 6 now and will say "wow mom you need to brush" I always say "yes I had garlic for dinner " hoping that he will connect that some foods make your breath stinkier and that some things like poppy seeds, strawberries, blueberries etc make your teeth look icky if you don't brush. Ultimately I leave it up to him .… I can fix his teeth but his spirit might be trickier! — Lisa B

I just hand them their toothbrushes with toothpaste on them in the tub and they brush. I suggest teeth brushing every morning/every evening and sometimes they go for it and sometimes they don't. — Jodi

I am 42. I can eat as much or as little as I please, of whatever I please. I can brush my teeth or not. I can even DRIVE to the fast-food place when I want, and eat what I want there. I'm the one with the debit card, so I can buy what I choose at the grocery store. Why aren't I choosing only sweets and Doritos, and filling my cart with stuff that's barely food? Because I prefer how I feel when I eat food as close to the source as possible, mindfully. I feel better when I eat that way. Why do I brush my teeth? Because my mouth feels better when I do, and actually, I've found my mood is better, too. I found that out by not brushing my teeth. I had to give myself total freedom when we started this journey, too. Now - everything is a choice. Everything. I don't do things because my mom told me it would be good for me. I do things because I WANT to, because of how my choices make me feel. — Caren

When I was a kid I remember being sent to brush my teeth alone and it took hours. Okay, not really ;-) It felt like hours!

So what I did with my daughter was to do it with her. We talked and joked. I made sure she had a brush and toothpaste she liked. I'm sure I must have mentioned preventing cavities in there at some point. Eventually it became automatic. Sometimes she would say she didn't feel like brushing. I'd say don't. And she'd say what if I get a cavity and we'd talk about the difference between habitually not brushing and skipping once. I can't remember her choosing not to brush but it would have been okay if she had. — Joyce

For brushing teeth we've made it as easy as possible. We used to brush our teeth together, now the boys prefer to brush together. Some kids like a small mirror to watch themselves. Toothbrushes and toothpaste can be moved. Another bathroom? Kitchen sink? We also let the kids pick out their brushes. Right now they really like their electric power ranger brushes! We also buy natural toothpaste (Tom's of Maine kids strawberry) which has a mild flavor they don't seem to mind. We also bought flossers, rather than using regular dental floss. My older son has had experience with cavities, so he doesn't seem to mind brushing and flossing so much anymore. for my younger one (3) as long as I don't push he will let me help him out once a week or so. the other times he does it himself. I know its not perfect, but we have sort of made a game with the "EEEE! AAAAAHHHH! OOOOHHHH!" mouth shapes. :-) — swissarmywife

I encourage my girls to brush and buy them fun toothbrushes, child friendly floss, mouthwash etc. At their recent dental visits dd8 has 5 cavities she'll be going back to have filled and dd 5 has 3.

Now my autistic son who almost never allows us to brush his teeth went for his check-up last week and once again has 0 cavities. — Nicole Willoughby

We use non foaming, non fluoride toothpaste (no spitting required), so brushing and flossing teeth happens in bed, right before story. I read a story and maybe rub her back a bit, and she is out. — mimiphilomena

Xylitol -- All Natural Sweetener

"...Xylitol is a dentist's dream. It reverses all these destructive effects of sugar on oral health. Xylitol is non-fermentable and therefore cannot be converted to acids by oral bacteria, thus it helps to restore a proper alkaline/acid balance in the mouth. This alkaline environment is inhospitable to all the destructive bacteria, especially the worst variety, Streptococcus mutans. It also inhibits plaque formation...." — Alex Polikowsky

Ah, yes! My son frequently forgets where he was headed / what he was going to do and it happens with teeth brushing, too. There is much less stress if we go to do it together. I give him a piggyback ride to the bathroom, sometimes he brushes his teeth and sometimes he wants me to do it. I don't mind helping him brush at all, I think it helps him figure out the sensations and movements of what a good teeth brushing feels like. We talk about each part of his mouth and he asks questions, etc. Since he's fiercely independent in many ways, it's a treat for me to be able to do something for him. We pause to chit-chat and giggle. Sometimes we'll brush our teeth together or he'll want to brush mine for me.

If told him to go do it he'd make it halfway down the hallway and start playing. I'd get frustrated, remind him again, direct him toward the bathroom, spot him in the living room a few moments later and discover he still hadn't brushed his teeth. I'd send him down the hallway again with my patience rapidly decreasing, and so on until eventually I was close to yelling and all but dragging him into the bathroom or on the verge of making threats like "no bedtime story" etc.

There is a principal behind the act of teeth brushing - taking care of ourselves so we stay healthy. Both ways are trying to meet this goal. One way tries to figure out how to make it happen in the most joyful, non-coercive way. There are no commands, rules or punishments involved. It does, however, require me to be present and actively engaged with him to accomplish the brushing of teeth.

The other way is the opposite. It starts with me thinking I can issue a command and have it obeyed and that should be the extent of my involvement. Every time he needs redirecting my frustration level grows because I'm not suppose to have to intervene - I said "do it" and that should have been it. I choose to turn it into a battle of wills and to take his inability to complete the task on my timetable as a sign of disrespect.

Which way is respectful towards the child and is more pleasant for both of us? Which way is ultimately more hands-on? Which way honors the relationship? — Susan

Of course, I kindly remind him to brush his teeth

One alternative would be to talk about his breath without going straight to the solution - I forget that myself and tend to go straight to solutions. After all, my solutions are fabulous! Why wouldn't anyone just want me to tell them what to .... oh, oops.

Part of supporting autonomy is giving our kids the space to think of some of those fabulous solutions on their own - the other part is then being willing to help them problem-solve if those "solutions" aren't exactly what they hoped. To use a montessori truism: "kids learn to make decisions by making decisions" and that includes less than successful decisions, so they can experience the whole process with our support backing them up, and helping them figure out the "what now"? parts.

So, again I remind him to please brush his teeth. Sometimes, this happens several times.

Try starting the conversation in a different place - hey, guy, your breath is pretty stinky in the morning, but toothbrushing seems to be a hassle for you... can we find a better solution? If he's not used to this kind of problem solving (if mom jumps to solutions, why should he be?) he might need some prompting. Can you set up the toothbrushing somewhere different? Can y'all look into mouth rinses for first thing in the morning? Gum? A tongue scraper? Maybe y'all could look into some of the causes of bad-breath together and find yet more possibilities - like a change of night-time snacks, or more humidity in the bedroom or a nasal rinse? There are dozens of possible solutions to morning breath and creating a healthier mouth environment.

I suppose I could give up on working with him

Sometimes a break is a valuable solution to explore. Its good to "red flag" situations where you seem to come up with only two options, though. That's often a good sign that you've gotten stuck in your thinking - and a good opportunity to go to your kids and say "hey, I can't figure this one out, lets put our heads together". And if that doesn't work, well, that's one of the things these boards are great for - seeing a bunch of different perspectives and possibilities. — Meredith

Actually, this [teeth rotting because of not brushing] is not true. Tooth rot has more to do with a genetic roll of the dice than care. I am 36 yrs old and have on paper taken horrible care of my teeth. As a child I did not brush for MONTHS. Even now, I do not brush twice a day (mostly because I have mouth ulcers and at times it's too painful to brush.) I have NO cavities. No rot, no periodontal disease. Both my brothers take much better care of their teeth but they have tons of fillings. I really think it's just a matter of chance. So as uptight as I am about everything else still on tooth brushing I sort of leave it alone. I remind every now and again "Hey, have you brushed your teeth lately?" But I don't ever bug them about it.

You can give other things a try...toothbrushes that make music, light up, bubblegum toothpaste. Offer different options perhaps. Also gauze on a finger tip works too. Not as good as a brushing but better than nothing. — Karen Swanay

Absolutely. My grandmother used to say, "You either got good spit or bad spit." I brush my teeth after every meal. I even carry a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse and have been know to give myself a quick brush in the car. Last year I had to have 4 root canals and 3 cavities fixed! My husband usually brushes once a day, sometimes twice and very seldom has any problems. I can only remember him having one cavity in the last 10 years. My dd was tremendously influenced by our last trip to the dentist. He is very good with children and took the time to show her with a plastic model how to brush most effectively. He talked to her on her level and explained all about dental care. I have also been able to find cute little books about dental care that my kids enjoyed. This helped a great deal. Sometimes if we are going out I will ask them if they remembered to brush and try to remind them before bed but other than that I don't worry too much about it. My own experiences have shown me that it doesn't make a whole lot of difference in how many dental problems a person has. — Aubrey

I do agree with you by the way. I have one cavity and have not taken the best care of my teeth. My father is the same way, and I'm pretty sure genetically I got his teeth. Both of my girls are adopted. My 9 year old has the worst teeth ever. I lost count a long time ago on the number of cavities she has. We go to the dentist every six months and she has anywhere from 2-4 cavities every time, and she DOES brush her teeth. Now my 7 year old is the one that does not brush her teeth. She only has 1 cavity so far, but really I have no history on how her birth parents teeth were. — Kelly

I've made teeth brushing a priority. I've never forced it, EVER. I've only made it fun and since I model good oral hygiene habits myself, they seem to be fine with it. I've had at least 4 friends whose children (all of whom were under the age of three) had to be put under to have cavities filled. One girl's teeth were literally crumbling out of her mouth. None of these parents practiced consistent toothbrushing. If my child starts to resist teethbrushing? Well, I guess I'll have to lighten up a bit and hope for the best. I'd buy different kinds of toothbrushes (electric do a better job in a shorter time), and toothpastes. I'd hope they'd go to the dentist so they'd get cleaned good at least twice a year! I'd continue to model good oral hygiene habits. — Kendrah

For us, DS would sometimes comment on my (or DH's) "morning breath" by saying our breath was "hot" and we'd go brush. So, when his breath gets "hot", I'll mention it and ask if he wants help or wants to do it himself (he's 9). I think that's another big area of the situation too - just because a child is 6 or 7 or 8 or whatever doesn't mean they "have to" brush on their own by themselves in the bathroom. Sometimes we've had three tiered brushing action with DS, then me looking over him into the mirror and DH looking over my head (which usually occasions lots of silliness BTW). Often, DS will request I do the brushing for him, so I do. Sometimes we'll take the toothbrush, a small cup of water to rinse and another cup to spit into (and a small washcloth) into the other room and brushing occurs while watching TV. Sometimes brushing doesn't occur before bed and after breakfast but at other times of the day when there's a convenient 'pause' in the activity level of the day and that's cool too. — Deb

One thing I did was buy the ACT fluoride treatment, which they like to use, and I feel like at least they're strengthening their teeth even if they don't brush as well. Eating apples and cheese is supposed to be good, as well as a glass of water after meals. We also play dentist where we take turns brushing each other's teeth. I'll just say that it's been a while and ask if they want to play dentist. We've also experimented with brushes and pastes. For while, Breanna would let us use a washcloth to clean her teeth, it works as well without all the overwhelming sensory issues of the hundred bristles and toothpaste flavor. — Melissa

There are things you can do besides actually brushing teeth: use Dr. Ray's Spiffies tooth wipes. These are individually foil-wrapped wet wipes for teeth that have xylitol in them. My younger ones chew them like gum and then spit them out. The great thing about these is you can carry them around with you - she can clean her teeth whenever she gets the urge.

She can also rinse her mouth with a baking soda or xylitol wash. Some foods, such as cheese, are good for teeth. She can chew xylitol gum or eat xylitol mints.

Half of our family (my sons and I) have the strep mutans bacteria that causes early childhood caries (ECC). My sons both had partial bridges by the time they were two. By the time my youngest was two, he had 6 teeth pulled and had two lower molar crowns. I could visibly see the teeth dissolving over a two week period. I brush, floss, and still was going in for a cavity repair every month or two.

One of the changes we made was to brush before instead of after eating. The bacteria must come in contact with carbohydrates to acidify; even brushing immediately after eating allows the bacteria to acidify. By brushing before eating one removes the bacterial plaque, which takes twenty-four hours to recolonize. We also eat foods to remineralize our teeth and take cod liver oil, and use xylitol toothpaste and products.

My youngest has not had a single cavity in two years. One eye tooth that had begun calcifying when we made our changes - has not progressed AT ALL into any decay.

We do not have any resistance to tooth brushing, is just part of our routine like washing hands after using the bathroom. We keep toothbrushes in the kitchen, the bathroom, and the car, for convenience. My boys lay on the bed at night and "mommy robot" brings the robot brush - or they are frozen and the tooth brush unfreezes them - whatever game they invent, I will do. — Shannon

My youngest has some sensory issues and doesn't like brushing very often. He also has teeth that aren't especially healthy. We found this mouthwash that has xylitol and no alcohol, so he loves it. We also keep baking soda around..... — Ren

I have one kid who neglected his teeth a lot and rarely gets a cavity. I have another who is a good brusher and has had lots and lots of dental issues starting when she was two. It does seem to be a bit of a roll of the dice. Some things that helped here: I offer a small piece of cheddar cheese at bed time to help remedy the PH of her mouth. My kids like it and it is a really good way to keep the acid down. Also, there are so many cool toothbrushes and flavors of toothpaste and stuff, now and then we all go get new ones. It's always fun. In fact we were at Target today and we each got a new fancy spinning toothbrush and I bought a different flavor paste for each kid. I spent more than I normally would but they all had a blast and they were excited to try it out when we got home. — Krisula

Someone, I can't remember who, suggested: Let the child brush your teeth. Then ask if you can brush his. Be okay if he says no. — Joyce

Andrew Weill's brilliant answer to:

I have a one year old son. How can I make him a genius?

Here's how, and it's guaranteed to work:

Play with your son.

Read to him.

Cuddle him and show affection.

Laugh with him.

Encourage his imagination and curiosity.

Take delight in him.

Be a model of character and principle for him.

Don't compel his choices, but support his exploration of interests. If he wants to be a dinosaur hunter, learn about dinosaurs together. Or astronomy. Or playing the guitar. Or collecting stamps.

Demonstrate how much he delights you.

That's pretty much it.

Oh, you think that isn't how? You think some special learning techniques or tutors or lessons are what your child needs to reveal his genius?

You're wrong.

One, it shows kids that the one acceptable way to resolve differences is by being bigger and stronger and making the other person comply.

Two, it means the parent isn’t looking for better tools to resolve differences. It means they’re focused on techniques that get the child to comply. They aren’t developing better tools for communication and conflict resolution.

Every conflict of interest is an opportunity for children to see how to resolve differences. What tools are you showing them? Are you letting them see how to listen to understand another’s problem? Are you letting them experience you as a helpful resource? Are you letting them see how to be problem solvers? How to craft solutions to their problems that incorporate safety, thoughts of others and practicality?

Or are they seeing how to close their ears to someone? How to be an obstacle? How to see obstacles as immovable and insolvable? How to hold your position? How to solve problems by being bigger and forcing your way?

The ways a parent resolves differences with a child are the tools a child learns how to use to resolve differences with the parent and with others. Are you using the tools you want your child to use?

If the parent’s attitude is “Just do what I say because that’s easier for me.” Or, “Because I’m right and you’re wrong,” then children learn how to do that too.

Isn’t that what a stubborn child is doing? They’re mirroring what a parent does to them.

Though standing your ground is pretty instinctual. Children don’t necessarily need to be taught it. What they need is to see better ways to find solutions to their desires in life.

The questions to ask are, “What problem is the child trying to solve? How can it be done in a way that’s safe and respectful of others? Can it be time shifted? Is there a different underlying need the child is trying to meet with their solution? What might be a good substitute?”

Are you showing them better ways to solve problems? Or how to do it your way?

If a parent depends on tools to get a child to comply the parent is saying, “Let’s just blow past this real-life opportunity to develop tools for understanding differences, communication, and working with others so I can get back to the mundanities of life that are more important to me.”

Conservative parenting is an extension of an authoritarian view of society. At the top are the leaders responsible for the welfare of those beneath them. The next level down obeys those above while being responsible for the welfare of those below them. At the bottom are the powerless being marshaled along the path set by the upper echelons.

When the goal is the commander setting the course and those beneath obeying, it works. It also takes no special knowledge. Give orders. If there’s disobedience, mete out punishment until they obey.

There are several problems.

One, kids lack opportunities to develop leadership and negotiation skills. Children raised that way don’t develop the skills to be anything other than authoritarian leaders. Working with others’ needs, listening, inspiring followers are all complex skills. To develop those skills, kids need to see them in action and get plenty of opportunities to use them to get better at them.

But kids raised in an authoritarian home don’t get those opportunities. All they’ve experienced are giving orders and obedience. If their own order gets refused, the only next step they know is to apply more force or punish. If neither feels right, their toolbox is empty.

Such children grow up to either become authoritarian parents or reject authoritarianism but have nothing to replace it with. They become the ineffectual parents who don’t correct their children that the authoritarian parents disdain.

Two, authoritarianism depends on obedience to work. It works poorly with kids who have a strong sense of self and those who need to try things for themselves. Authoritarian parenting depends on kids obeying. When kids don’t obey, parents need to ramp up the punishment until the kid stops fighting them.

Three, good comes to mean avoiding punishment. Which works fine if a child avoids punishment by doing what they’re told. But kids can also learn they can avoid punishment by not getting caught. So the definition of what is right becomes, “Whatever I can get away with.” Authoritarianism is basically a training environment for perfecting lying and sneakiness.

Is there a correlation between the increase in youth crime and the reduction of "spanking"? Actually crime goes down with decreased spanking. When good is defined as not hurting others, criminal behavior is clearly wrong. It becomes a problem when good is no longer obeying authority but avoiding being caught by authority.

Four, authoritarians connect questioning with anarchy. Leader’s ability to lead depends on obedience. Followers sense of security is built on everyone obeying the leader. There’s no built-in mechanism for questioning leaders. Leaders as well as followers can feel threatened when leaders are questioned.

Even at Nixon’s lowest point, 24% of the people were still willing to follow him as their leader. It suggests a mentality that following even a bad leader is more stable than questioning.

Authoritarians are right to connect questioning with anarchy. In an authoritarian society, followers who question leaders aren’t questioning lightly. They can’t. Authoritarianism doesn’t allow it. When followers finally question, they’re pushed to the edge. They’re fed up and demanding change.

In a more egalitarian family (and society), questioning is normal and encouraged. It’s not something to be feared. The goal is to support children in becoming better decision makers, not in becoming more obedient to authority.

Children do make thoughtful decisions. They think, “I think this will work.” Sometimes they’re right. Sometimes they’re wrong. If they’re right, it confirms their understanding of the world. If they’re wrong, they now have more information to build a better understanding with.

What parents generally mean by thoughtful decisions is “right” decisions. They want their children to take the big picture into account and make the decisions the parents would in that situation.

That’s a skill that grows over time. Kids begin with a very narrow view of the world. They see only what’s right in front of them. They see A. They see B. They want to see how A and B interact. They can’t yet see how A and B affect the rest of the alphabet around them. Their vision expands with experience. For some kids it takes longer. For some parents it means being more patient.

One idea I’ve always found helpful is to assume kids are always doing the best they can. If they need to do better, they need us there with them. See it as a partnership. Let them do as much as they’re able. Then let them see us handling the bigger picture. Not as a lesson but as a trusted mentor. They’ll take on more of the bigger picture as they’re able. They want to be more competent. They’ll just do it on their schedule.

We take safety into account. We take consideration for others into account. They should experience safety and consideration as obstacles to work with, problems to be solved. As long as we don’t turn safety and consideration into roadblocks to their goal, they’ll be fine with our help.

Parents need to be willing to create an environment that’s safe for children to try out their wonky ideas in. Creating a safe environment means kids trust their parents to help them explore. They know their parents prioritize them trying out their ideas. They also are confident that their parents are nearby to prevent disasters. They expect their ideas won’t always turn out as expected. They trust they won’t be limited to doing it the “right” way.

The more experience they have with trying out their ideas, the more they’ll take into account. Their ideas will have always been thoughtful. They’ll just grow to look more thoughtful from an adult’s view because they’ll be taking more into consideration.

From Quora: 

It would be irresponsible of me to tell a child to go behind their parent’s back. But parents shouldn’t put kids in situations where they feel the only way to get what they want is to sneak and lie.

Parents should make themselves the most trustworthy person in a child’s life. They should help a child find a safe, respectful way to get what they want. Or help them find a substitute. A child should feel their parents take their needs seriously. That way when there’s a rare time when a parent needs to say no, the child has built up the trust that the parent would say yes if they could find a way.

In adult life, should a person just accept a No? Shouldn’t the question they ask themselves after being turned down be, “How else can this be done?” We go to movies to watch the main character not accept No for an answer. If the character is good, they don’t just bull ahead. They take time to think about who else might help them, how it can be done safely and without stepping on too many toes.

As parents we want our kids to grow up to be go getters, not defeatist at the first sign of an obstacle. We want them to forge ahead to get what they want from life.

If that’s what we want, we need to not lead kids to believe that in life No means No. That’s not good as a life skill. It’s just a lazy convenience for parents.

I didn’t want to put my son in the position of having to ask this very question. I wanted him to trust that I would be helpful. I didn’t want him to ever feel backed into a corner where the only options seemed to be going it alone or asking someone who might be less trustworthy.

What should you do? You might print out this answer for your parents to read. Let them think about it. It might sow a seed. But I can’t in good conscience advise you to go behind your parents’ backs.

Authoritarian parents can create the illusion that what they’re doing is working.

Being an authoritarian parent makes disagreements easy to deal with. Any objections are just silenced.

If the kids aren’t too strong willed then punishment quickly trains them how to act as they’re told. Children don’t need to learn how to weigh options and make decisions. All they need do is obey the rules that do the thinking for them. When kids are governed by rules, they act right faster and at younger ages.

The downside is parents won’t know what their children are thinking or feeling. The kids are trained to act as their told and to keep silent about their feelings. But the kids are better behaved — they put on a better show for other parents. One problem is that when not around their parents, kids can either be angels because they’re terrified of doing anything wrong or devils because they’ve learned to be stealthy. The devil children have learned that the difference between wrong and right is whether you get caught or not.

This question is sort of like the old joke about Mussolini’s dictatorship.

Mussolini may have done many brutal and tyrannical things; he may have destroyed human freedom in Italy; he may have murdered and tortured citizens whose only crime was to oppose Mussolini; but 'one had to admit' one thing about the Dictator: he 'made the trains run on time.'

  Not deschooling enough. Kids who were in school need time to recover from the effects of school. The recovery is even more important for parents.  Deschooling is healing. It's a time spent away from pressure to learn so that kids can shake off the negative associations between learning and school and rediscover their joy of curiosity and discovery. When a parent is still looking for learning to look like school, deschooling can look like nothing. It looks like playing. It looks like avoiding anything associated with school (maybe even museums and the library.) It's like healing a broken leg. The patient needs a lot of time not walking in order to walk again. But deschooling is also not like a broken leg. Kids won't heal to do school learning again. They heal to learn again. That learning will very often  look nothing like school. Parents spent longer in school so they usually need the most deschooling. For parents it's learning to see the learning in what kids do (that often looks like playing) rather than expecting kids to do things that look like school. Typically deschooling takes a month for each year spent in school (or doing school at home).  The cure: Pretend you're on summer vacation. Or having a really great months-long weekend. Kick back at home. Go fun places. Do things together. The important part is to learn to see how kids learn all the time just by playing, exploring and being curious. One note: Actually summer vacation doesn't count for deschooling. Kids expect to have summers off. They need to feel in their bones that they won't ever have to do school again unless they choose to. Not connecting with those who are already unschooling well. It's easy to picture how to recreate school at home. Everyone knows what school looks like. But figuring out what to replace school with is hard. Without examples, parents can waffle between avoiding anything resembling school to "fun" ways do school learning. The cure: Find local and online groups of unschoolers. I found analytical groups a lot more helpful than social groups. Being an engineer, I wanted to understand how unschooling worked, not get cheerful support as I floundered about figuring it out on my own. ;-) Some examples of analytic approaches to help are Unschooling Mom2Mom and Radical Unschooling Info. Not doing enough./Doing too much. It can be hard to stand back while kids explore. It feels like you should be doing something. On the other hand if learning is supposed to be natural, then it feels like you're not supposed to interfere. Neither is true! The cure: Find local and online groups! ;-) The unschool parents' role is sort of a cross between a partner, a mentor and a cruise director. Find your own mentors so you can see how it's done. Then get to know your kids. Get to know when to stir things up, when to hang back, when to listen and ask questions. Not trusting that children's curiosity is enough. In many ways unschooled kids learn what they need for their adults lives much the way they learn how to speak their primary language. As a side effect of being interested and trying to meet their needs, they get better at language. It looks effortless.  While it seems impossible to gain the knowledge they need to pursue an interest in college, their learning in an unschooling environment works the same way as learning a primary language. They learn by doing what interests them. (Yes, even math. No, it doesn't look like school math. It looks like learning to think and reason mathematically. (Some kids do find it useful to take a community college prep class to get up to speed on formal math notation. But 3 months is a small price to pay for 18 years of exploration. The advantage they have over schooled math learning is they understand the underlying math concepts because they've been using them. Learning Math.)) The cure: Unschooling looks like playing. Listen to your kids. Get to know what they're doing. Ask questions. Find out more. Be curious about who they are and what makes them tick. Get to see how they're learning from Spongebob, Minecraft, pretend play, conversations, playing with the dog, drawing ... Thinking that children's curiosity is enough. ;-) Children can't learn in a wasteland! They need parents to create an environment that supports them exploring what sparks their curiosity. The cure: The parents' role in unschooling is creating the environment where kids curiosity can flourish. Kids can't know they love Shakespeare if they never have a (kid friendly) experience with some Shakespeare. Kids need a vibrant life. They need parents who are curious too. They need interesting things swirling through their lives. They need downtime to play and process and explore. They need parents to stand back when they need them to stand back and be involved when the kids need them involved.

You like many people have been trained to believe that you shouldn’t make a decision unless you can make the right one.

  That idea messes so many people up.

Making the right choice, or fearing the wrong choice? What you’re very likely doing is making choices based on what you’ve been told is right. But it’s more a collection of mismatched rules than a set of values that support each other.

It’s paralyzing to believe there’s a right choice for every situation. And that our responsibility is to memorize the right ones so we don’t make the wrong choices.

With that way of thinking, people can end up in a constant state of either worrying that they’ll make a wrong choice or beating themselves up for making a choice they regret.

Learn how to make decisions That’s just madness. People need to know how to make decisions, not how to choose only from some (supposed) Column Right. Such lists are a gathering of random “shoulds” crafted for purposes that may be totally incompatible. (Is it “right” to turn the other cheek or stand your ground? Be kind or be truthful? Work for money or work for love? It depends on your goal and who you want to be!)

To make better choices requires learning why past choices didn’t work. Your younger self shouldn’t be making the same choices you do today. You should be making better choices than your younger self. Your younger self should be making better choices than your even younger self. You should be making better choices because you’re learning what works better and what doesn’t work so well for yourpurposes.

You should also not regret decisions that don’t turn out as expected. See what worked and what didn’t work. What have you learned? What choice could you make next time that you believe would work better?

Always give yourself at least two options. Always give yourself at least two options when you faced with a decision. Choose the option that feels like it will work AND move you closer to who you want to be. Then review how things turn out. What worked as expected? What didn’t work as expected? What hadn’t you taken into consideration? What might work better next time?

Why did a choice turn out differently than expected? By going over what happens, you learn how to become the person you want to be. You become better and better with each choice you make. Sometimes you’ll make a choice that turns out way off from what you expected. Then you learn a lot! You learn more about the situation. You learn more about people. You may learn it will work better to take a bit more time turning over the situation to see other angles. Or to ask a variety of people for their views. Or something else.

Which values for you must never be compromised? Who do you want to be? What are the values you must always be part of your choices? If kindness is most important, then the pathway to being a kind person isn’t to turn kindness into a rule. Don’t be kind to the exclusion of everything else. You figure out how to be kind AND whatever else you want to do. Or how to not be unkind AND whatever else you want to do. When you give yourself your two options that meet your need, always choose the kinder one. As you get more practiced at making the kinder choice, the less kind choices will feel less and less like you.

While Commentary on Virtues is written specifically for medieval re-enactors, it can be read not as a set of rules about which values are the “right” ones, but as a way to decide which values are most important to you. Develop a Personal Philosophy is nicely succinct.

Here’s a couple of pages on becoming someone who can make better choices rather than “right” choices. Read them slowly. Let the ideas sink in and percolate for a day or so before reading more. That way you can subconsciously be playing with the ideas in various situations in your real life. You’ll come see how they can help you make the choices towards being the person you want to be.

Making the better choice Make the Better Choice Mistakes