hold heart

JOSIE BETTENCOURT. FREELANCE WRITER.

“I have a very childlike rage, and a very childlike loneliness.” — Richey Edwards

“Nice to meet you, Josie,” Selin smiled with a wave of her hand as she wondered if this was Jaxson’s girlfriend, or the mother of his child? Her mind raved with thoughts and she tried to push them away, reminded herself she was the one who ended things and left. All Selin needed to do was keep to herself and not trouble herself with the comings and goings of her ex-husband. Just as she was about to leave, shower and get back to her day, the offering of coffee was thrown out and she turned with a smile, “yeah, I think I can do that,” just a little snooping wouldn’t hurt. “Do you mind if I take a quick shower?” She asked, quickly slipping into her apartment and realizing she was making a mistake, but it was too late now as she knocked on her neighbor’s door, ready to learn all about “Josie.”

✩ 

“no problem at all,” she answered, acutely aware of a crash of noise happening behind her own apartment door. must’ve been rowan waking up, and even though she didn’t care to, she knew that she needed to go back inside anyways to take care of whatever mess he’d made. “i need to go deal with this.. child anyways,” josie gave a wave of her hand with a sigh, an overwhelmed sort of expression clouding her features then, thinking of rowan still camping out on her couch from his recent bender. “long story. let me know when you’re ready, alright?”

Jaxson nodded against the palm of his hand. “I can understand that,” although he never had the muse to write anything down he knew that he was one of those people who remembered to do something and had to write it on the palm of his hand so.. that was about as much as he could relate to it. “Hopefully the muse strikes when the time is right,” He smirked, knowing that her sleep schedule was basically the reason they were able to keep this thing going for as long as they had. He tilted his head down to look at the way her finger was lightly tracing a flower shape on his abdomen. “Probably sometime around four yesterday.” He murmured, turning his head to look at the clock on the nightstand, seeing that it said about four in the morning. “You sure you don’t want to try and get some rest?” He let his eyes move back towards her as his fingers brushed through the strands of his hair. He knew he had to try and get home by seven so he could say good morning to Piper but his daughter wasn’t a topic he usually discussed with the woman laying next to him. 

josie let out a laugh and shook her head, “trust me, the muse strikes when it wants to strike. especially when i don’t want it to,” she answered with a roll of her eyes. rarely did she ever write when she actually had the time, it was always here and there when she could find a moment amongst the chaos of life, when something as simple as the phrase she was stuck on a week prior popped into her head. there was a mischievous grin on her lips when she continued, “always expect the unexpected, ‘cause i’m not afraid to kick you out right before things get hot and heavy when i get the muse to write.” the grin was gone when she noticed him glancing towards the clock, and while she’d tried her hardest not to feel any sort of way about their arrangement.. josie couldn’t seem to ignore that her heart gave a painful tug to remind her that it was never that easy for someone like her to separate sex and feelings. “i am a bit tired,” she answered after a minute, and she leaned in to kiss him so he wouldn’t read into her slightly curt response. “but i’m gonna cook either way, so.. either you’re staying or you’re leaving. breakfast isn’t mandatory, don’t worry.”

location: ironworks rooftop

“uh, sure?” kian wondered why she sounded so awkward in the moment, as if talking to him was harder than it needed to be. “i don’t drink coffee, but i’ll take a dragon drink with two scoops of matcha, no berries, and cold foam.” kian said reciting his usual drink of choice as if he was reciting a bible verse. “still, it’s like people think i’m a heartless demon when all i did was fight for my life.”

✩ 

whether for kindness or for more of an inside scoop on the story, josie placed the order for both of their drinks once they got to the counter. as she was paying, it was hard to keep from glancing over at him in hopes that he wouldn’t leave right when they’d gotten their drinks. she was pretty curious about his story. “what makes you think they want to portray you that way? what’s the full story, anyway? i haven’t really seen a whole lot about it, if i’m being honest.” which she wasn’t, but.. she could certainly play the part, and quite well, too.

Her insistence would have caught him by surprise had he not already dawned upon the stubbornness of Josephine Bettencourt, and challenged it, too. He’d found it was better to give in solely because her best interest somehow still benefitted the other party, as well. At least, it did when Bediah got himself involved and probably because he’d only given a small budge because he could see it. Still, taunting her plans had some amusement. 

“Comprende,” He agreed, nod sealing his agreement despite the smirk that rippled on the corners of his mouth. “Just know what you’re getting yourself into. I’m not gonna sunbathe with you all afternoon.”

With a small clatter of numbers on the front computer, Bediah was off the clock for the shop but time kept running. There was a still a pace to get what they needed before the small lull at the bar, and then of course, how much longer he could anymore talk about siblings, exes, and unrequited love that seemed to be stuck in a whirlwind in Ithaca. It was easier to forget about it in bigger cities, but you could only drift so far in the small town. 

As promised, Bediah had gone into Argos and out free of the shackles of another shift. His backpack, typically heavy with books for studying between breaks, now replaced its echoing thump for the chime of clattering bottles that he kept still just until he made it back to the car. There was no more than a few fingers of alcohol left when measured from the very bottom, but combined, they’re surely leave a headache worth their mixing. He buried them in the trunk where they rolled back and forth, a small clink that was sweet against the growl of the car’s out dated engine. 

“You had this look earlier,” He began again, unable to help himself. “When I was talking about falling out of love, how it was easier. You agree, or were just trying to save a fight once you had a little liquor to not hold you back?”

✩ 

“you know...” josie began with a sigh, “i think i just. don’t know how that feels, you know?” she huffed out a laugh, the idea of always wanting what you don’t have crossing her mind. “i’m still a little bit in love with everyone i’ve been with. i don’t know if i’ve ever fallen out of love, so i guess i can’t say it’s easy.” and while she had no shame admitting it, she still couldn’t help but wish that things were different. when josie fell, she fell hard... and she never really got all of the way back up.

location: goldie’s cafe

location: bel studios

location: sahni’s sweets

“The latter might still be better. At least you can pretend it’s not your own fault a little longer if you fall out of it faster than you fall into it,” He said, a roll of his shoulders in a shrug. Bo was guilty of it himself. Things had been slow with Skyler, whatever it was, and looking back on it now, it had been on purpose to avoid that habit. When it was time to take just another step, he’d simply reject it immediately. Not saying what it was and not saying that same damned triad of sounds had been claimed as their downfall, but he suspected there was more. He just didn’t linger on it. He couldn’t.

Josie had him good. Anything that called for the water roped him in fast, even if he had to trade the burn of the ocean for the chilled depths of Cayuga Lake in a pinch. He had left the coast with good intentions but he couldn’t separate himself completely. That was the one thing he had to himself, a concept separate from his father and the one thing he’d been willing to share with his younger brother the few times Bediah had come around to assuming his older brother role upon their father’s hiatus as a parent. While Josie didn’t know the extent of the details, it didn’t take much of a thought to always give into an offer to go to the lake. 

“I can probably snag a few handles that are about to be finished if I go in and ask to look at the schedule, see if I can make another shift today,” He proposed. “But I promise I’ll only actually take it if it’s for later. Vin asks because he knows I’ll do it even if I’ve got a couple of conditions.”

✩

it was true. josie knew the trials and tribulations of falling in love too quickly, knew that the latter was better and wished that she fit that instead of the former. the thought of mickey, of cemile, of her other past exes.. she’d always fallen in too deep, too fast. it’s what she was trying not to repeat with jaxson and their recent predicament, just letting off steam, but... there was no telling if she would actually be successful in keeping her heart out of it, for once.

“Dark academia? I feel like that’s a crime. Look at his little legs, he’s clearly set out for the athlete to influencer pipeline.” Mick grinned, “Icy Lil’ Chow, or something like that? Makes him sound like he’s meals on wheels. I don’t know about your representing my tiny client, it might be bad for the brand we’ve already established. I’ll have my people call your people, we’ll see if we can come to a mutual vision and arrangement.” The smile on his lips felt natural— it tugged up so often in Josie’s presence that it felt as though they had set into their old ways. “In that case, I’ll be sure to pick something spenny.” Mischief stayed on his features, but he didn’t press further than that: their relationship had long ended, even if he didn’t know how to navigate the new boundaries between them. “So, what’re you up to nowadays? Anything new?”

✩ 

“i can’t believe you’re doubting my ability to represent chowder. as if i’d do him wrong, as if i would make him look bad! i only want the best for that little man,” josie pointed down at the excitable pup, who jumped up to lick at her hand. “see? solidarity. he believes in me, he doesn’t need your people to call my people. he believes in women in power. i always knew chowder was a feminist, you know.” and their smiles mirrored one another, the idea of a night out drinking together something they were all too familiar with. even though it’d been a while, josie would always have love for him and their time together.. that love was different, now, but nevertheless still set aside for him whenever they happened to run into one another. “now, that.. that is a loaded question. one i need to answer after at least three shots of tequila.”

rowan honestly had no idea where dom was taking him when they got into the lyft, not thinking to ask as he rambled nonsensically to his best friend, getting occasionally distracted by the scenery outside the window. he’s nearly dozing off by the time they arrive, and he leans nearly his entire weight onto him as they stumble towards their destination. he’s close to completely passing out by the time that dom lets go of him and he gracelessly drops to the floor. he’s so out of it that he’s almost content to stay there until he hears a familiar voice, letting out a soft groan when he finally places it and subsequently realizes where his (useless) best friend dropped him.

his body feels like lead as he attempts to lift his head to look up at her, barely making out her form in his blurry vision, the mix of drugs and alcohol coursing through his system still prevalent after his and dom’s bender. he thinks he’s been up for at least 24 hours now, maybe longer as he’s not entirely sure when he actually had slept last. “it’s all good, jojo,” he slurs as he attempts (and fails) to lift his upper body off the ground, slowly making his way to the doorframe so he can get some extra support as he continues his attempts. “just need to sleep a little and then pop an addy and i’ll be right as rain,” he continues, doing his best to shrug, though he’s not sure it looks like much of anything with the way he’s worming his way up the doorframe in an attempt to stand upright. “speaking of… since i’m here, can i crash on your couch for a bit?”

✩ 

“crash on my couch?” josie’s eyes narrowed up at him, a quiet rage bubbling up within her that was only hinted at with a flaring of her nostrils. not that he would notice, with how completely fucked he was.. going on about popping an addy to be fine again. jesus christ. if their father knew just how lax josie had been in looking after her half-brother, he’d have cut her off so swiftly she wouldn’t even have time to get one last latte from alley cat. “fine, get the fuck in before yoyo runs out the door. you’re only staying here until you sober up, and then i’m kicking you out.”

the sound of josie’s voice causes nihal’s head to snap up to look at her, relieved that it’s josie instead of one of his students, though the feelings of relief are at contrast with the way he immediately gives her a playful roll of his eyes as he watches her slide into the seat across from him. “only the sweetest for you, jose,” he responds, completely deadpan. he leans back in his seat as he regards her, reaching for the lukewarm coffee he’s been nursing for the past thirty minutes and taking a sip.

“wow, you really know how to make a guy feel special,” he marvels sarcastically, though he accompanies his words with a smirk to keep things light. “unfortunately, you’re not far off with some of these. you’d think college students would be more… intelligent. cultured. you know?” he muses, heaving a sigh before he’s shaking his head and gesturing towards her. “anyways, i’m just here grading papers and trying not to fail everyone just on principle. what about you, though? did you come here just to see little old me? maybe buy your pal some coffee and bagels?” he teases.

✩ 

“thank you, it’s what i deserve,” josie quipped back, tone just as monotone as his had been and followed with a look of distaste at the coffee he’d just taken a drink from that was most certainly not iced. “i always forget that you drink hot coffee. i don’t know what’s wrong with you.” and sure, she’d partake in hot coffee if she absolutely had to, but her number one choice would always be iced. her motto was that coffee should be consumed with ice, and tea should be be consumed hot enough to burn your tongue, and she told him as much.

when he posed the question, she couldn’t help the snort that came from her in response. “you really think that college students would be intelligent? the only intelligent people there are the professors, and even that’s a bit of a stretch.. i guess you can say the most intelligent college students would be the teacher’s assistants. lucky you, huh? — but, no. i came here for coffee, and you just so happened to be here. i can buy you some coffee and bagels, though, if you’re struggling,” josie teased. 

rowan doesn’t get the opportunity to visit the farmer’s market as much as he’d like, given the fact that he often chooses to have his groceries and meals delivered and doesn’t actually do much cooking on his own at all, but he can never resist the spring to summer kick off. it’s a time of year that he always makes a point to make an appearance, mainly because of a specific few stalls that always had the absolute best treats and eats that were only available during the summer season. one of those happened to be the cinnamon shoppe, the booth that he always made a bee line towards every time he visited during the summer months.

when he makes it there, it’s a pleasant surprise to see his sister there, and even more surprising that she’s being amicable towards him — generous even — but his gratefulness is quickly overshadowed by disgust at her initial greeting. his face morphs from an excited smile to a grimace of repulsion, though that doesn’t stop him from grabbing the fork from her and tearing into the bite she offered. “i think that is the most disgusting thing you’ve ever said to me. i don’t ever want to think about the fact that you have sex. like ever. you’re lucky it didn’t make me lose my appetite,” he grumbles once he’s finished chewing, moving to hand the fork back to her. “you should buy me a cinnamon roll to make up for that disgusting image you forced into my brain.”

✩ 

maybe she said it just to get under his skin, to make him feel the same indignation she did of him being in the same vicinity of her. josie couldn’t fight away her shit-eating grin throughout his display of disgust, though she did regret giving him some of her cinnamon roll. did he really deserve it? oh well, it was too late to wonder such things. soon her features twisted, affronted by his demand that she buy him a cinnamon roll in compensation. “absolutely fucking not. i gave you a bite, is that not enough?” josie snatched the fork from his grasp and shoved it down into her roll, appetite ruined. “ugh, you’re just like your mother. here,” rowan would get the cinnamon roll he wanted, then, josie pushing the box into his chest since she surely wasn’t planning on finishing it.

“Hectic,” he repeated sheepishly as he avoided Josie’s gaze. Mickey knew all too well that if she asked any more questions, he was likely to delve into details that were unwise to share: there was much of his life that was far better off remaining secretive to most.

Reaching down, Mick scooped up the little dog, biting back a laugh as Chowder’s legs started to churn as though he was still running despite being suspending in the air. “I should get him some little glasses, maybe start my career as a dog influencer dad. Chowder the Academic Dog, I feel like there’s a niche there that needs to be tapped into.” He paused, looking now at Josie properly, studying her features before offering a smile. They were bad at staying apart, they broke their own rules and boundaries— Mickey had a habit of doing so in almost every aspect of his life, and yet: “I’m heading to drop the little guy off at daycare, if you’re not super busy right now there’s a bar not far from it. I don’t want to lose a chance to catch up with you while I’ve got you right here.” Mickey’s expression lost its cheekiness, fading into something far more sincere. “I miss you, you know.”

✩ 

josie snorted in amusement when he mentioned making chowder an influencer, and she could see the instagram setup already. “chowder seems like he’d be into the dark academia aesthetic.. you’ve gotta make it ‘chowder: dark academia dog’, that way people can call him chowder: da dog. then you’d be chowder da dog’s dad. has a ring to it, right?” and there was laughter laced with her words, “please hire me as your social media manager, i’m there.” it was so easy to fall into their usual chemistry, though there was the uncomfortable feeling of standing on the shore with your toes in the sand when you knew you weren’t allowed to get in the water. she got that tug in her gut to dive in when he admitted to missing her, but with everything that’d happened the past few months, it wasn’t as easy for her to give into it as it had been before. for now, she just gave him a slight nod in returning the sentiment, “i’ve missed you, too, mick. i’ll buy the first round, ‘kay?”

Dramatically and jokingly Joey rolled their eyes in response to Josie’s statement, only to nod along immediately shortly after. “In fact, let’s not even put my name. Who the fuck cares about the girl who died doing something pretty stupid, probably? It can just say ‘Here lies Josie’s Bettencourt’s friend, what a lucky bitch’ and call it a day” they suggested, clicking their tongue cheekily. The youngest then took their first bite out of the roll as their friend talked again, choking at the implication. Jo coughed, chuckling lightly as they tried to compose themselves. “Jesus, I was not expecting that question while loading my face with a cinnamon roll, thanks Jos” the musician inhaled, raising a brow towards the other in a dramatic flirtatious gesture “Why? You’d pay for a subscription?”

✩ 

josie let out a boisterous laugh, watching her friend choke on her food to the question she’d asked. the logical thing would’ve been to ask if she was okay, or to help, but did josie really look like someone who knew how to perform the heimlich maneuver? absolutely not. thankfully, joey was okay after a moment. “my bad, to be honest, i didn’t know you had a gag reflex,” josie joked, “and i would absolutely pay for a subscription. i’d probably ask to be in one of your premium videos, too.. if you had one, that is.”