A STORY OF LOVE

They thought they loved me at first and some thought they could heal me.

I was close once. I thought she was my one true love. my soul mate,,, and she made the hole in my heart mend but only some of the boxes were actually ticked for her ….

I will die soon and when i look back on what most people would call an amazing and wonderful life I grieve instead and pray everyday that my love has a wonderful happy life with all she dreams of and that I am dead.

stupid amounts of amitryptoline did little that i remember except it was Friday then it was Tuesday ,,,, Tuesday wasn’t supposed to come or any other day…..

she would rather be with this dude….. and others….. and yes lots of others she told me herself about and others i caught her out about like accidentally finding the sex tape she made in a hotel while telling me she was with mum ….. the ghosting every weekend from about Thursday until Sunday night or Monday morning ( coming down off the drugs her dads best friend hooked her on and then made sex recordings with her that i found) so yes out fucking all weekend hi on meth , several 3 somes , not sure on exact numbers of gang bangs and actually dating another guy while living with me….

that is my soul mate….. she still lies to me, but she’s my soulmate and I can’t do anything about that. It’s just a shame I’m not hers. 

And that’s the most evil twist God could ever do. show one person their soul mate but that person doesn’t even want to be with them, like them, respect them, definitely not appreciate them or care if they exist … they are a whimsical memory from the past while the remaining soul withers and dies….. i can feel mine going…. i used to love this world and people

i never used to use this word but i only have hate for this world and the people in it except I love my beautiful girl always.

the rest of the world can fuck off and leave me alone and I am looking forward to practising ju-jitsu again one-day soon on a specific piece of shit that shouldn’t exist….. Jake the Muss did what all men want to do to uncle bully and so will I …… it gives me joy thinking how much pain i can exert as i whisper in his ear…… “can you feel that….. its your life going and in a moment you will piss your pants…. “they always have to, just as a side note),

i should delete that but i don’t give a fuck i will be dead soon but not before him

A hanged man whispered to me under the willow tree

“you must leave me to free me”

So just like the cherry blossoms leave for the fall

I did too...

Goodbye. xxx

- water beats fire but you beat me

I lost my mother, I lost one of my sons, all of my grandparents are gone, I’ve lost close cousins, my uncle and aunty who i lived with and I’ve lost pets and I have not seen or spoken to my other five kids for three months . Each loss caused various levels of pain, grief and suffering but nothing compares remotely to the anguish and pain that I have suffered and am still suffering when my beautiful girl cheated on me then left me.

yup…… you know that feeling now don’t you…. someone just reached down your throat and ripped your stomach out…. and here it comes quickly after…. your stomach knots and churns as you move to a spot where you can hear and see her…. and the hand goes down your throat as she giggles, the fist clamps down on my heart as I hear her talk as if they are intimate and she rips your heart out of your chest as you hear her make plans for xmas with him when she had already told you she was going to be with you.

I didn’t even get someone’s “sometimes”….

I even had to share those… and really… just because you were “with” me, you weren’t, you were messaging all day and night or calling him for the lovely long chats that we used to have.

now i am lucky if i get 2 messages a day unless I respond fast enough and ask some questions but even then I would be lucky to get 10 messages….. is that bad? when I wasn’t a “sometimes” i would receive up to 300 messages or more a day… we would also talk 2 or 3 times a day, we would watch movies together (when apart)…..

Maya taught me many things in Jan 2020…She would make a statement like “Saying I love you means nothing because words are easy to say even if you don’t mean them” ( yes , now whenever I see her write to me i love you, sends hearts or says I miss you…it reaches my brain as “she doesn’t mean this but social norms require this response and notice subtle little changes she made so that the actual statements “i love you” etc are actually “i have to say i love you so here are some purple hearts or a i miss you too……. yeah right, thats why you ghosted me for a month and only just now messaged me with purple hearts and I miss you.

If you want to make the most of the life you have then pay attention to the following suggestions:

1. Don’t pay too much attention to the way you feel. Feelings change throughout the day and they are unreliable. Don’t let them rule your life, or interfere with your goals.

2. Decide not to worry as it tends to make things worse. If you focus on your worries it will drain your energy – and often what we’re dreading doesn’t happen anyway.

3. Cut the internal commentary. Stop saying to yourself that things are going to fall apart, or your efforts won’t succeed, or that you won’t be popular. Keep trying to move forwards, and to make the most of life.

4. Stop being self-critical. You need to be your own cheerleader and your biggest fan in life. Note progress, perseverance, attitude and inner strength.

5. Stop feeling guilty. Feeling guilty changes nothing. You are going to make mistakes. Accept you aren’t perfect - then get up and try again.

6. Stop worrying about what others think of you. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what they think. Choose your own goals for your life – you’re not accountable to them.