My baby sister. The little munchkin that terrorized me well into my teens and used to hid my comb on a regular basis. How do I say goodbye to someone who I've known my entire life? How am I supposed to say farewell to someone who knows me better than I know myself? You've always seen me through the tainted eyes of adoration, Jordan. At least, you used to… And I'm hoping that, one day, you'll find it in your heart to see me with those eyes again. I wish I knew exactly what I was supposed to say because then maybe it would make writing this letter to you just a little bit easier.
I've had one job my entire life. Well, in the eyes of an older brother, I've only ever had one job. That was to protect you. To keep you safe. And I've failed you. Over and over again, I let you get hurt by things that I should have been there to protect you from. Other people, your own feelings, yourself… But worst of all, I should have been there to protect you from me. But let's not think about what /she/ did to you. I want to make you remember a simple memory for a second; the last day we actually spent with Dad.
It was Friday night. We were going to spend the evening watching whatever was on television. It didn't matter what was on, as long as we watched it as a family. We all sat in front of the TV, happily chomping away at the pizza we had ordered because Mom had been too lazy to cook that night, when the television suddenly clicked off. Everyone, including Mom, turned to stare at Dad. This was unlike him. Fall asleep in front of the television? Yes? Turning it off in the middle of our Friday night tradition? No. Staring at him with wide eyes, I remember sensing that something was off. Worst case scenarios came to my mind. Mom and Dad were getting a divorce. We were moving. Dad had cancer. There was nothing to stop my internal monologue that night of 1000 Ways to Die. And it wasn't like what he said next made my worrying go away.
His words were short, simple, and sweet. I remember them well. "Make sure you take care of each other. Always." You won't believe how deep those words burned into my mind. I can still hear them, clear as day. After he said the words to us - and he made sure that we all had absorbed what he had said - Dad turned back on the television and everyone's eyes moved back to the screen. That didn't mean that I stopped thinking about what he said. Why had he waited until our Friday night tradition to tell us? He had every other day of the week that he could have used for such a heavy statement. I believe that he knew something was up and wanted to make sure that his family would protect one another even while he was gone. When he never came home the next day from work, we were all destroyed. Gutted. Of course, I tried to be strong for the both of you. I tried to keep our lives going like nothing had changed. But everything had changed. There was no denying it. We all slowly mended each others' hearts back together. Yes. They'd never be perfect, but it was as close at our hearts would ever be to being 'fixed'. It took you a year before you started drawing again. But when you did, it was like you never stopped.
Why am I bringing all of this up again? Jordan. I did a really bad, stupid, idiot, Ethan-esque thing. I'm not going to tell you what is it. With everything that's going on with you, you need to focus on yourself instead of how much of an idiot I am. I'm not going to be there to help you anymore. This will be the second last thing you will ever receive from me. The last you'll have to go find for yourself. When you start to remember your old life and the strong, independent woman you used to be, go visit Michael. Your last pardoning gift will be with him. Don't go look for it before you're ready. It's going to make you really emotional. I know that there's never a perfect time for someone to become emotional over losing someone they love, but I'd rather that you have a grasp of who you are before you go pick up that last piece of me. And last but not least, protect yourself. Why? Because, in the end, the only person you can truly count on is you.Â
I love you. Don't ever forget who you are.
