Journey to a better me

Last night was the most difficult night I’ve ever had in my 33 years of living. I truly felt was it was meant to be lonely. Even with my significant other within the same house. I still felt like I wasn’t even an afterthought. Ever gracious as ever she asked was I ok. But I couldn’t even muscle up the strength to even say how i feel. Normally I never have an issue expressing how I feel. But at this moment I couldn’t. She gave me the opportunity to and I just brushed it aside. Thinking that I will be fine, when in reality I’m not.

So I tossed and turned. Wondering is she even missing me? Or is what’s going on with her and her girlfriend more important. I feel stupid at the same time I’m the one who asked for this. So I’m conflicted in my feelings. No one has done wrong. So why do I feel empty and worthless?

I told myself I would never be jealous again, because I hated myself. I hated the fact that I felt that the woman who I was in love with at the time didn’t want me anymore. So I was willing to put my life on the line to beg her to be with me. I hated that feeling that I felt in my body that day. Last night going into today I have that feeling again.

But why? Why do I feel empty and jealous? I was the one who said this would work for her. Knowing that allowing her to be with another woman could potentially hurt me in some way. But because I love my wife, sacrificing some mental is worth her happiness. Cause in my mind I feel she deserves it.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I decided to want to be with her. It’s no telling where my life would lead. She was the fire under my ass to make me wanna get my life in order. Cause back then I refused to not have a drivers license, a bank account and a job. I refused to let this woman who would lay on floors with me at our beginning relationship continue to want to be with a bum.

So I tossed and turned all night. I’m already feeling like crap. So I decided to walk around the neighborhood while everyone was sleeping. Just to tell myself that things are ok. Remind myself that she does love me and I shouldn’t have to question whether she does or not, simply because she’s making love to another woman right above me.

I’ll admit that I am jealous at the fact that the woman she is with now gets everything I’ve ever wanted. The actually effort into being wanted. Being lusted after. Being sexually aroused without it having to feel like it’s scheduled or just something to do.

I had a brief moment where I was allowed to watch per the girlfriends permission. I can say I was very much aroused. Watching my wife touch this woman in a way that looked so sensual. So loving and desired. I could tell by the way that they kissed and moaned they missed each other.

I just sat there watching. Changing positions, kissing, watching my wife use her strap-on on her girlfriend. Then finally going down on her. A part of me felt like I was back in the day when I was just her best friend, watching her as she use to go down on girls while I was there just sitting and cheering her on. I don’t know why, but I decided to get up and hold her girlfriend legs while my wife ate her way to her heart. I’ve done it before and in my mind this felt no different.

Watching my wife being who she truly is made me happy in some strange way. Because I was at least there with her. Not down in the dark bedroom alone. After her girlfriend came I could tell that my presence was no longer warranted. So I kiss my wife and went back to the room downstairs.

Shortly after I find out that I made the girlfriend feel uncomfortable with me holding her legs. Even though it was the girlfriend that said I could come watch them. In honesty, I feel it was my wife who felt uncomfortable. I also feel my wife didn’t want me anywhere near the two of them.

I feel better being able to get these thoughts out. Because who could I go to really to say how I feel and not have them judge my wife. My wife hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s only doing what I allowed her to do. She still has giving me the option to shut their relationship down. But in reality, I don’t think she would? If I asked her too, would she resent me? Would she sneak around behind my back just to be with her? These are things that I think about. It’s hard to express because I don’t want it to turn into an argument when I’m trying to give and get understanding.

I think I’ll stop here for today and go back to sleep

If you read this know that the woman I am married to isn’t a bad wife. She has always been good to me. She can be selfish in her ways true. But she still gives me an outlet to speak my peace if I feel something is wrong. But I’m not sure if what I feel is wrong or am I just jealous?