jonathanleesink

Originally posted on February 2, 2018

Four months ago…just a week after my 41st birthday, my life-path made an immediate stop at a steep cliff. The kind of cliff that takes your breath away because of just how high it is. On the other side of the cliff was someone I didn’t recognize, but they clearly needed some help. Do I turn around, walk away, and let someone else help this stranger? Do I ask him if he has any family or friends that can help him on the other side of the cliff? Or do I evaluate the risks of getting over the gap and get to helping this person immediately? I know I have the athletic ability to jump this gap. I decide I must jump to the other side to help this person. There is honestly no reason I shouldn’t help. I backup to allow plenty of space to get up to speed, I begin my run, and with 8 inches to spare I launch myself in the sky. I hold my breadth while I feel my body rise and descend in the air. Suddenly my knees and hands take the impact on the hard loose gravel of the other side of the cliff. I lookup and the stranger offers his hand to help me up. No words were exchanged, but I could tell he was thankful for the risk I just took. I stood up, dusted my knees off and kindly asked the stranger what I could do to help him.

Last week I shared with you my plans of being an altruistic kidney donor. I had surgery on Monday to remove my left kidney. It was then cleaned up and put into someone who really needed a new kidney. The transplant team at the University of Kansas did this procedure four more times over two days. Five donors and five recipients in one hospital. I have been told history was made. It was the largest kidney chain in KU’s history, and maybe the state of Kansas and for Kansas City, too. It has been an exciting week, for sure. 

Jamie took me to the hospital Monday morning at 8:00. We were admitted and sent to the correct waiting area. I found my mom waiting there for us. After not waiting too long they invite me back to the surgery prep area. I ditch my street clothes and put on the easy-access hospital gown and safety-grip socks the nurse gave me. Aside from answering a million questions I have already answered a million other times, the nurse was getting my IV put in, sticking EKG electrodes on me, and asking lots of other questions about my tattoos. (Side Note: most of my caregivers were fascinated by my tattoos and wanted to know all about them.) The anesthesiologists came in to talk about the general anesthesia they will use to put me under prior and during the surgery, and also to administer nerve blocks prior to surgery.  Nerve blocks are localized numbing shots they shoot in my abdomen to try to ease the pain of the incisions. They had Jamie and my mom come say their goodbyes, and I was being wheeled back to surgery.

As I am rolled into the operating room I remember two things specifically. One, the room was incredibly bright. I suppose the surgeons will need to be able to see everything in good detail. And two, there was a guy in scrubs with an expensive video camera. I suddenly remembered that I agreed to be filmed and interviewed before, during, and after surgery. I hope he was on my good side, because seeing the cameraman was the last thing I remember before everything went dark.

My memories in the recovery room are kind of foggy, so I cannot guarantee any of it as factual. Jamie has reminded me of this specific conversation taking place in the recovery room.

Jamie: How are you feeling?

Jon: I don’t know

Jamie: I have some good news

Jon: You’re pregnant?

Jamie: No, that’s impossible

Jon: Oh, okay

Jamie: I’ll remind you of this conversation when you are more alert

I remember hearing my mom’s voice, but I couldn’t see her which confused me. I think she was sitting down behind someone. I was very thirsty and had a dry mouth. They gave me a tiny sponge on a stick dipped in water. It was the least rewarding thing to ever touch my lips. If you’ve never sucked water from a sponge, it does not get my thirst-quenching recommendation. I was in quite a bit of pain while in the recovery room. The nurse had to remind me numerous times that I have a push-button pain relief hooked-up to my IV. I could push the button whenever it was lit up with a green light, which was about every ten minutes. I was the only one who could push the green button. The doctors, nurses, and my family members could only remind me to push it. As cool as this button was, they removed it from me the next morning.

Finally, the people taking care of me in the recovery room thought I could go up to my room. They called someone to push my bed up to the sixth floor. If there was a non-perfect experience found in my journey at KU, my transportation from the recovery room to my permanent room would be it. The guy in charge of pushing my bed looked a little like Martin Short’s rendition of Jack Frost in Santa Clause 3 (Side note: my kids and I love this movie.) Mr. Frost was not very friendly. Maybe he was just having a bad day. He ran the bed into a couple of walls and elevator doors, which isn’t enjoyable when you have four new abdomen incisions and a freshly harvested internal organ. When we get to my new home on the sixth floor there are 8-10 nurses awaiting my arrival. Frost disapprovingly tells me, “You must be somebody important, I’ve never seen anyone get this many people to move them from one bed to another.” The great nurses and Frost get me moved to my new bed and start getting me hooked up to all my stuff. Time for rest and recovery.

In an effort to not put my readers to sleep I am going to condense the content of my hospital stay, and highlight the most important parts. I think the best way of doing this is by thanking the people who took care of me, or had a part in my living donor journey.

Family & Friends - Jamie (my lovely wife) has supported this journey from the start. She had some concerns, but I think educating herself about the concerns helped her ease them. She was my main support while in the hospital. She handled a juggling act of being there for me, but also coordinating a ten and a four year old’s schedule, plus she’s on an active job hunt and the president of the PTA. She certainly has her hands full. Thanks to modern technology she was able to do a lot of it while I was napping in a bed. Thank you, Jamie. My kids have been great. They understand that their dad has to take it easy for a few weeks. They have been so sweet to me. As they continue to get older in life I’ll be able to talk to them about this experience so they can develop an appreciation of what I did and why I did it. My mom and mother-in-law have helped with watching our kids and transporting them when Jamie couldn’t. Plus, that means the kids get extra time with the grandmas, which always means more sugar!

Once I went public about my decision to donate a kidney via my last blog post, the support has been outstanding.  I have received countless messages from people supporting me and my family. Every single message has been special to me. I thank you all for uplifting me at this critical moment in my life. Thank you for the cards, flowers, gifts, and the wonderful meals that people have volunteered to bring my family. I also want to give a special shout-out to my Benninghoven family. They have supported me and my family in countless ways. Thank you for everything!

Tony and Christyn Zins - If you read my last post, you learned this all started from my reading of a Facebook post from one of Jamie’s co-workers. That co-worker is Christyn Zins. Christyn’s husband, Tony, was my initial intended recipient. He is the reason I originally went to get tested. Tony and I weren’t a match, and he went on to have surgery on January 2nd of this year with a perfect match donor from his longtime friend, Craig. Christyn has been a wonderful support system to Jamie. She’s answered questions, provided a care package while we were in the hospital, and visited us twice while we were there. Christyn also gave me a beautiful blanket that she quilted this past month with help from Tony, her mother-in-law, and her two sisters-in-law. It was extremely kind and generous. Even though I didn’t donate to Tony and he wasn’t involved in the kidney chain, I still feel that special connection to him and Christyn. I don’t know my recipient, and there’s a chance I might never know them. Tony is the closest thing I have. He gives me a face to visually use when I think of who has my kidney. I am grateful to Tony and Christyn, and also to their families. I have heard that their families ask about me, so it’s comforting to know they’re thinking of me.

KU Medical Professionals - From the first moment I called KU inquiring about living donation I have been treated with kindness and respect. My primary point person through this whole process has been Melissa Fowler, the living donor nurse coordinator. Melissa loves kidneys, and she makes everyone who talks to her love kidneys too. She has a real passion about her job, which makes her a valuable asset to the transplant center. During the months that it took to coordinate this chain I emailed her dozens of times with random concerns or questions. Every time I received a polite and prompt answer from Melissa. She is hands down the very best at what she does.

Dr. Ilahe is the nephrologist (kidney doctor) and the head of the living donor program at KU. Dr. Ilahe has that same passion for kidneys that I found Melissa having. Every time I saw Dr. Ilahe she gave me a hug. She has always been so thankful for what I volunteered to do. I believe she was one of the key figures in putting this 10-person kidney chain together. So, I’d like to congratulate her on this accomplishment.

Dr. Kumer was the doctor who actually performed the surgery on me. Dr. Kumer is the in-house ace on removing kidneys. When I met with him weeks before surgery he told me that I am the only one in the hospital who is having a surgery that they don’t need. While this is true, for this week it was me and four others. Dr. Kumer carefully cut me open, detached my kidney, put his hand into my abdomen and personally removed my left kidney, and then sealed me back up. And then he did it to four other people.

There were a lot of other people I worked with on the transplant team. Samantha and Jaime were great to me. I didn’t have a chance to work extensively with either one, but the interaction I did have with them was pleasant. The lab technicians always had a fun attitude everytime I went to give blood. Honestly, there wasn’t a single person through this process that I had a bad experience with. This department has kind, professional, and always thankful.

Finally the nurses that took care of me post-surgery were awesome. The level of care I received on the sixth floor was nothing like I had seen before. I had the same day-shift nurse two consecutive days, and the same night-shift nurse two consecutive nights. Hannah and Alec. They brought nursing to a whole new level. They were young, fun, and knew their stuff. Nurse Hannah made a personal connection with Jamie and my kids. It’s comforting to have a trusting relationship with your caregivers when you are in such a vulnerable state. The professionals who took care of me while recovering on the sixth floor were outstanding.

I was released from the hospital on Thursday afternoon. I have spent most of my time in my bed since I got home. Jamie and the kids are all helping out, which has been nice. We have meals being made and delivered by several friends for the next two weeks. My sleep schedule is totally off. I go to bed around 9:00, but wake-up really early, and then have one to two naps during the day. I’ve always been a big water drinker. I’ve learned I need to keep that up, plus a little more now. I also cannot take NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) ever again. NSAIDs are commonly known as ibuprofen, aspirin, and naproxen. This is probably the biggest long-term adjustment I’ll need to make. Tylenol is my pain reliever of choice now…forever. I should be back to normal in a few weeks. My remaining kidney will adjust to do the work of two kidneys. I’ll need to continue living a healthy lifestyle and stay away from any high-risk diets that could cause diabetes or high-blood pressure. The last two years I have really focused on healthy living. If I continue doing what I’ve been doing, the doctors have no reason to believe I wouldn’t live a long normal healthy life.

I have my first follow-up appointment on Thursday morning with Dr. Kumer. I am off work for several weeks to allow myself plenty of time to heal. I plan to write, read, play guitar, enjoy time with my family, and just be thankful for life and make the best of living.

About two weeks prior to surgery I had to come into the transplant center for some final pre-op stuff to do. I was also interviewed by KU’s media team. They were beginning a project to try to interview as many people involved in the donation chain as they could, and kind of follow everyone through the process. Fast-forward to the Wednesday after surgery I am informed that KU is hosting a press conference and issuing a press release about the donation chain. A few hours later I am getting texts that people saw me on the six o’clock news. Oh, and I am getting links sent to me of articles on local news websites and YouTube. What?!? This was totally unexpected. I didn’t think anything was going to hit the media until the interviews were done after the surgeries. Links are below for your viewing pleasure.

YouTube - produced by KU’s media team

KU Press Conference

KU Press Release

KCTV5

Fox4

This isn’t the direction I saw my life going when I was celebrating my 41st birthday. I didn’t see that cliff approaching either, it came out of nowhere. I can’t say that I would have always chosen to jump to the other side to help the stranger. But times are changing, and I have changed. Life is not about me, it never has been. I found that life is about leveraging your talents, your resources, and your heart to make a positive impact on someone else, and being brave enough to do something about it. You don’t have to jump over a cliff or give a kidney. We can make positive impacts daily, heck we can mindfully always be making them. Forget the past and don’t worry about the future. Be in the moment, and demonstrate compassion for all. 

This is living. 

Originally posted on January 18, 2018

“We were born with the ability to change someone’s life, don’t ever waste it”

I once read that a good deed loses its value once you tell someone of the deed you did. I have been trying to live this way for the past several months…quietly being a good person. I find a great reward in helping people, I always have. The power of social media I have found is a peculiar thing. For the past six or seven years I have leveraged social media to raise money for worthy causes that I found to be important. It was rewarding and hard work. In 2017 I made the decision to close down my fundraising operations to give back some much needed time to myself and my family. Around the same time I also made the bold decision to delete my Facebook and Twitter accounts. I made this decision for the same reason as closing down Freshcassette; to have more time to myself and to my wonderful family, and to quietly live my life. I miss being in touch with my friends, and seeing photos of people’s families. What I don’t miss is the constant divisiveness on social issues that has inundated everyone’s news feeds. Whether you love or hate Facebook it has proven that it can equally divide us, as it can bring good and kindness to our lives. Just weeks prior to my unplugging from Facebook something wondrous was ignited from the platform that will soon change mine, and nine other lives forever.

At the beginning of October last year I came across a Facebook post my wife, Jamie, had shared from one of her co-workers. The post immediately caught my attention. It contained a photo of a young family consisting of a father, mother, and two young children. The text of the post was written by the wife/mother informing her social network that her husband is on dialysis and is in need of his second kidney transplant. She eloquently described her husband’s situation, what it would mean to be a potential donor, how to get tested to be matched, and if people would kindly share her post. I didn’t know this family. I only knew my wife worked with this man’s wife. I also knew that he had two young children, just like I do. I knew I had to get tested. Why wouldn’t I? He needs a kidney, and I could potentially give one to him. No brainer, right?

After I discussed this with Jamie, I gave the University of Kansas Transplant Center a call. After a 20 minute phone call, I successfully passed the initial phone screen. They inform me that they are going to send me a blood pressure machine and that I need to take my blood pressure two times a day for five days, and then send them my results. I receive the machine the day before I am going out of town for four days to Nashville for work. I take my blood pressure every morning and every evening in my hotel, then on the final day from home. A few days later KU calls to tell me my blood pressure is good, and asks if I can come in to give some blood to determine my blood type and to see if I am a match for the intended recipient.

Another week later I get the phone call I have been waiting on. This phone call will tell me if I am a match to donate my kidney to my new acquaintance. 

“Hi Jon, we got your blood test results back and we were able to confirm your blood type is O+, but unfortunately you are not a match for your intended recipient.”   

Okay, I knew this was likely, but I was still a little disappointed. Through this process I have learned it is very difficult to find two people who match. They look at more than just blood type; they make sure that the two people’s blood will play nice with each other. Apparently ours were two armies of jousting blood cells who would fight ferociously to protect their turf.

Now what? Through all of the testing I knew I wanted to donate a kidney. I really couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it earlier. It took me reading a Facebook post to open my eyes. People, lots of people, are hooked up to dialysis machines for hours every week. People are dying everyday waiting on a transplant list. Healthy people have two functioning kidneys, and we only really need one. I have a spare! To me the decision was easy, why would I not donate something I have two of to someone who could die if they don’t have one?

So I tell the nice woman from KU on the phone that I want to donate anyway…to someone that will match me. The next step in the process is to have a daylong appointment at KU Med in Kansas City, KS. We get the appointment scheduled for a couple weeks out. At this point it is mid-November. I started this at the beginning of October. At this marathon appointment I have mini-appointments with:

Living Donor Nurse Coordinator

The lab for lots of blood and urine

Nephrologist (kidney doctor)

Surgeon (the guy who will actually cut me open)

Pharmacist

Dietician

Financial Coordinator

Social Worker

Another social worker

Psychiatrist

Chest x-ray

Pelvic MRI

This all took about ten and half hours in one day. But it was done. A little over a week later I get another phone call from the Nurse Coordinator to inform me that all of the tests they ran on me confirmed I am healthy with no hidden ailments, and I am approved to be a living kidney donor.  

Towards the beginning of December I learned two things.

1) My original intended recipient (from the Facebook post) has a matched donor and is scheduled for surgery right after the New Year. This made me so happy. I would have been somewhat bummed if I gave my kidney away and he still didn’t have one. (Note: surgery was successful for both donor and recipient)

2) The smart folks at the University of Kansas Transplant Center did some crazy algorithmic wizardry and found a way to turn my donation into a ten person kidney transplant chain. Kidney chains are hard to explain in words. This linked article does a good job of it, and there is also the picture below. I would be the donor in the top/left…the one with my name on my shirt ;) Essentially there are five donors and five recipients, all of which will have their surgeries at KU on either January 29th or the 30th.

So this is where I am at right now. For the past month I have patiently been waiting…quietly. Through this whole process I have remained very private about it. I have only really told close family and a handful of people at work. My intent wasn’t to keep this a secret. I just felt strange telling people. I didn’t want to come across as a boastful grand-stander. My very first sentence of this writing expresses the idea of goodness losing its value once it is talked about. This has been what has kept me quiet up to this point. As the days are getting closer and closer to my surgery date, I feel a pressing need to explain to my family and friends why I will be laid up for four to six weeks in recovery. I also feel a responsibility to bring awareness to the need for living kidney donors, or just organ donation in general. Until a few months ago, I never really gave living donation a thought. Not because I didn’t want to, but because it was never brought to my attention. The need for kidney donors is high, but the supply is low. If more people were educated on the process, I truly think more people would be willing to help.

I have been questioned why I would want to give my kidney to a stranger. The only thing that separates a stranger from someone you know is an introduction. Strangers have family and friends that love them, but for one reason or another they don’t have a donor who can donate to them. I am also not of the opinion that someone’s life is less valuable than mine or anyone else’s. We are all universally interconnected, and we need to demonstrate compassion and empathy for each other…regardless of who that person may or may not be. We hear a lot about equality these days. This is equality in its rawest form. There are many “what if” scenarios when contemplating living donation. What if I need my kidney later in life? What if a family member needs a kidney? These are legit concerns, but they are also unknown questions. What I know right now is that on January 29th a patient approved by KU’s transplant team needs a kidney, and I am willing to give her/him one. I am unable to see into the future, so I choose to live in the present.

Originally posted on October 3, 2017

After six years I have decided to close down my Freshcassette project. It was amazing what we achieved with very little resources. I started this as a project to showcase art and music, while leveraging those platforms to raise money for great causes. We bought bicycles for kids, built a water-well in the South Sudan and a school in India, and sold pink lemonade for peace. For a couple years we expanded the project to operate out of a brick and mortar art gallery in Kansas City. 2017 proved to be a challenging time for our little shop. I understand when something has run its course. Our last fundraising campaign to raise money for a young Honduran girl was not 100% funded, but not to worry…I am going to take the responsibility to ensure she has all of the benefits she needs to break her cycle of poverty. 

I want to thank everyone who supported my efforts, donated money, or volunteered their time. It was an amazing time!

In gratitude,

Originally posted on May 21, 2017

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world”   - Nelson Mandela

I have always loved this quote by the late Nelson Mandela. Education opens doors to unlimited pockets of knowledge. Not only can education change the world, it can change yourself too. In fact, it likely starts with you, and then through your influence the knowledge can have compounding effects that will spread indefinitely.

If you have been following along to my story for the past year or so you know I made a decision 438 days ago that changed my life. I decided to no longer be a slave to alcohol dependency. I decided I no longer wanted to be a player in the wine and craft beer normalization game. I decided I wanted to think for myself, with a clear head and a healthy body.

The day I gave up drinking alcohol, I also gave up eating meat. I’ve written about this before, I became a sober vegetarian. It didn’t take too long to start feeling the benefits of this significant lifestyle change. As the months went by I was feeling better and better. I’m a researcher and a self-motivated learner by nature, so when something sparks my interest or curiosity I use Google to help me learn as much as I am willing to take in on the given subject. So when I decided to eliminate meat from my daily routine I started digging through the interwebs and reading up on vegetarianism. I wanted to find amazing recipes, helpful tips on supplements, and the best tasting meat substitutes (there really is such a thing!). You don’t have to dig very far in meatless diet researching before you start to find the alarming facts on how an animal-based diet affects your body, obviously the animal(s) involved, and even the planet.

Let me make one thing clear…my decision to become a vegetarian was originally for health reasons. Once I made the transition and started to reap the rewards of my change, I completely embraced the lifestyle. I have always admired vegetarians and vegans. I think deep down I wanted to make this change more than just for health reasons. I am a compassionate person, and no longer consuming animal meat made me happy. It made me feel like I was making a real difference.

As the months rolled by my never ending research continued. I have some friends who are dairy-free, and they shout the benefits from their rooftops. Eventually my research led me to the dairy industry. The health facts of a dairy-free lifestyle are well documented. I was definitely interested in the health benefits of no dairy, but what took me by surprise were the animal cruelty facts the dairy industry forces on the cows. How could I have been so naive? I have no interest in telling you how the dairy cows are treated, or what happens to the male calves that cannot produce milk. You can look that up yourself if you want. My point is that educating myself on vegetarianism, led me to learning about going dairy-free, which in turn led me to veganism.

I’d already given up meat and I was in the process of eliminating dairy. At some point during my internet reading I clicked on something about eggs. Over my lifetime, eggs have gone in and out multiple times of whether or not they are good for you. Regardless if the health benefits outweigh the cholesterol issues is not for me to decide. But again, look up for yourself the impact the egg industry has on chickens. I am not here to tell you to adopt a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle, which is why I am not going to share the ugly facts of these industries. What I am trying to convey is that all of us must find the things that are most important to us, and to not be afraid to act on them.

I have been leaning towards veganism for months, but was a little afraid to make it official. Thirty days ago I did announce to my family I wanted to make this change, and I did. Going vegan can be hard. There are animal byproducts in a lot of things. Restaurants scared the heck out of me. In my new decision I also decided to give myself a little ‘get out of jail free’ card. Just the thought of being the perfect vegan causes my anxiety to moderately creep up. Making a healthy and compassionate lifestyle change should not cause anxiety! So I decided if I by chance I have trace amounts of dairy, eggs, or any other off-limit items, by accident or not…to just let it go. I’m not going to let it worry me. I am doing the best I can for myself, the world I live in, and the creatures who roam it. From time to time, I may have to remind myself that I am making an impact. Old school vegans and purists may think I am not being true to the lifestyle. That is okay. If there is one thing this blog attempts to get across is to be true to yourself, ignore the judgmental opinions of others, and do what is right for you…always.

So there you have it. I’m thirty days vegan, and 438 days sober. The most enlightening thing about this journey is the fact that I am making these changes and decisions all on my own. I have no pressures from anyone to change. They are 100% my own, and when that happens it is magical and powerful. Becoming who you truly are is a liberating experience. For some it comes easy, for others they may live a whole life of regret because they were trying to be who they thought society or others wanted them to be. People who don’t drink, and even more so vegetarians and vegans, are often the butt of jokes. I don’t really get that. These are personal decisions that have nothing to do with anyone else. All I know is I am more comfortable with these lifestyle changes, and I will not let anyone or anything discourage my mission to live a healthy, happy, and true life.

Originally posted on April 25, 2017

Lately I have been doing quite a bit of research and reading on anxiety. Since it consumes me more often than I would like, it makes me want to learn as much about it as possible. One of the most common misunderstandings about mental health are the differences between anxiety and depression. The illnesses are often confused. I stumbled upon this quote recently and I like the simple way the unknown author described the two.

“Depression is when you feel nothing at all, anxiety is when you feel everything all the time, and having both is complete hell”.

I don’t believe I suffer from depression, although a long time ago I used to get called Eeyore. You know, the gloomy and depressed donkey from Winnie the Pooh. I think my social anxiety was misinterpreted as depression.  I don’t have a lack of feelings like my previous definition of depression suggests. I have the complete opposite. I over-feel EVERYTHING. Over-feeling is a classic anxiety characteristic.

Feelings can be a great thing to have. They are what force us to be happy, sad, or scared; and what our reactions will be to those emotions. We all have feelings, but anxious people have a constant worry that something bad either has happened, will happen, or could happen in the near future.

This over-feeling certainly has its upside too. If you are an anxious person it means you are likely highly connected to or have a deep appreciation for the arts. Music, writing, visual or performance art likely moves and intrigues you in a very personal way. You feel the need to share something about yourself through your creative outlet, like the writing I do. A well-known quote from Deepak Chopra says,

“The best use of the imagination is creativity. The worst use of imagination is anxiety”.

We cannot stand being around or hearing about hate of any kind. We believe everyone deserves to be loved and should have equal opportunities in life. We feel horrible when we accidentally hurt someone, and we try to avoid any situation that puts our nerves on edge. Kindness is our mantra.

We are extremely self-aware individuals. We typically know exactly what’s going on in our current environment, and we have a keen intuition and can sense things before they happen. Our minds are engaged all of the time, which makes us deep thinkers, analytical, and problem solvers.

Being alone is something we not only are comfortable with, but we require it to recharge our social batteries. This trait often defines us as being antisocial or being a loaner. What we want people to understand is that it’s not that we do not like you or don’t enjoy your company, it’s that we need our solitary time to keep the anxiety at bay. We are simply in survival mode.

And one of the best qualities of having an anxious or hyper-sensitive mind is that we want to help others. We must help the unfortunate and the underdog, and display kindness to the highest degree. Helping others or causes I care about are what keep me going. I have accepted my anxiety as a trait I have. I might as well make the best of it, and turn my over-feels into something that will benefit others or inspire similar acts of kindness.

If over-feeling goes with anxiety, it could also be said that compassion goes hand in hand with an anxious mind too. Compassion is defined as the sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. I like to think of myself as a compassionate person, as a lot of people probably do. This is something I’ve been trying to figure out for myself. It seems like compassion and anxiety are in a sustained battle with one another. They do a dance under the moonlight, while being deeply connected by the constant struggle for my attention. I know I must be equipped with the appropriate tools to keep the anxiety in check so my compassion can shine. It is easier said than done. I would like nothing more for my anxiety to simply go away…but it can’t and it won’t. I am learning to accept it. Accepting it doesn’t mean I have to let it cripple me. Just like anyone who has a chronic illness or injury…I must learn to live with it, make the best of it, and use it as one of my strengths.

Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.

Andrew Boyd, Daily Afflictions:The Agony of Being Connected to Everything in the Universe

Originally posted on March 10, 2017

“This is going to be refreshing…I can already tell; similar to slicing into a freshly harvested vegetable. Fresh, clean, wholesome, and healthy.”

These were the very first words I wrote on this blog on May 30th last year. I have been writing for nine months. I have been sharing my most personal and vulnerable thoughts, struggles, and triumphs. I have confessed my struggles with drinking. I have shared why I chose to change my lifestyle. I have told you about my anxious personality and my spirituality. This has been an enlightening journey for me. I have been honest and scared to death. I have also felt empowered and bravery like I never knew existed. I have been asked why I have shared this part of my life so publicly. In the simplest terms I write this blog for two reasons. One, for myself. I write to document this ambitious change in my life, and to hold myself accountable to my commitment. This blog is monumental to my recovery process. The other reason I write is for anyone who may benefit in any way from what I write. I have learned people respect honesty. Like myself, everyone has their own personal struggles. But the personal struggles everyone has, it is very likely someone you know struggles with the same thing. The most rewarding experience from this whole thing is when someone makes a point to tell me they enjoyed my writing, or that my story has inspired them to take the first step of their own journey. That is what this is all about. When people use their talents to help other people…that is what defines purpose.

Yesterday…March 9, 2017.

Yesterday was day three-hundred and sixty-five of my sober lifestyle. One year without a drop of alcohol. It also marks one year of living vegetarian. No meat, no booze, one year. Amazing.

I was told just the other day from a friend that they want to give up alcohol too, but that they just don’t see how it is possible. I used to feel that way too. Once I had the realization that I wanted to love myself more than the currently trending pale ale, I had my moment of clarity. My vision for myself was crystal clear, and the motivation to make a change was significant. Making the decision is the relatively easy part. It is the commitment to yourself and to follow through with the decision which proves to be the most difficult. But now, a year later, I am truly proud of myself.

This journey has been eye-opening to me on the societal norms of drinking alcohol. I went through a period where I was silently disgusted with the beer and alcohol industries. I have always made a conscience effort to not preach my thoughts to my readers. I wanted to share my story, and that’s it. The last few months I have backed off from my strong opinions on the drinking culture. I am realizing that alcohol is not really a bad thing by itself. It was when I paired my addictive personality with alcohol is when it became a bad thing. There are so many people who can drink beer or a glass of wine without it becoming a habitual behavior. We are all our own people who must make our own decisions and take responsibility for our actions. What’s best for me, may not be best for you. And what you may be able to innocently enjoy, might not be so innocent for others…myself included. I know what’s best for me, and you know what’s best for you. Be brave, be honest, be you.

I have exposed myself through this blog. I have a hard time verbally talking to people about my vulnerabilities…I always have. Writing every few weeks has helped me more than you will ever know. So many have offered their support. I cannot thank you enough for that. It was a scary thing to put myself out there like I did. I was terrified that people would not want anything to do with me. I had heard that when someone stops drinking, they lose friends. The truth is you lose your drinking buddies. There are some people who I enjoy very much, but I just don’t see anymore because our socializing revolved around drinking beer. There are other people who I have considered very close at some point in my life who have not reached out to me at all to offer support. I understand that the topic of alcoholism, sobriety, and mental health are topics that not everyone is comfortable talking about, I get it. Then there have been the acquaintances, strangers, or old high school friends who made a point to reach out to offer encouraging words. That is amazing. They have no obligation to me at all, yet they have been remarkable supporters. Again, thank you.

In my very first writing, I not only claimed my sobriety, but also made a declaration to be my true self…always. I had spent years dealing with self-esteem and self-doubt issues, and somewhat hiding who I wanted to be. This has been a very liberating experience. I am a changed person. There is no more self-medicating my anxiety, or drinking my way into social comfortableness. I am now dealing with my anxious personality head on with a clear mind, and learning that it is perfectly okay to have an introverted personality. I have become an advocate for embracing your identity, and who you truly are. When you tear down the bullshit facade of doing stuff for the sake of pleasing others, you become liberated and free. I now understand that I only have control over myself, and that I am the only one who can truly make myself happy. Shit happens to all of us, and I used to grab a sixer to deal with it. Now I have an ever-increasing amount of tools to help process life’s complications. I have learned that being honest with myself is a powerful tool. I spent years in denial that I was dependent on alcohol. Once I realized that truth for myself, positive change happened immediately. Finally, I now know that I had to be brave to achieve a year of sobriety. I had to be brave to not fall into temptation, and I had to be brave to share my story with you. Successful sobriety is not for the weak. You have to want it, you have to have the strength to endure it, and you have to fight for it everyday.

People love reading lists. So, here are 9 things I have either learned or that have happened to me over the last year.

1. You don’t need alcohol to have fun! - This isn’t an immediate realization, but once you get over the hump it is an enlightening moment.

2. There are a lot of other people who are either non-drinkers, or are wanting to make that change. - Once I started writing, people came out of the woodwork to share their stories with me. It felt awesome to have people I could connect with.

3. When you quit drinking your body changes effortlessly. - Not only did I lose excess weight when I removed those empty calories, I also woke up every morning without a hangover, with more energy, and the quality of my sleep improved greatly.

4. I gave myself a pay raise! - I wrote about the financial aspect of my habit a couple months ago. I have saved about $1,800, which is a pretty nice annual bonus.

5. My creativity shot through the roof. - I started writing this blog. Who knew I would enjoy writing? It was a complete shock to myself. My musicianship has improved and I just feel more open to creative possibilities. My playing before felt like I was in a box with limits to my abilities.

6. I bought a BMX bike. - This was an early birthday present to myself. I even built a sweet ramp, and go to skateparks with it…at 40 years old.

7. I went on two amazing vacations. - I visited New York City for the first time, and I went backpacking in the mountains of West Virginia. Both of them completely sober.

8. I am in the best shape of my life. - Instead of sitting on the couch every night drinking a handful of beers. I choose to ride bikes, run a few miles, or even lift weights.

9. I have been to some amazing shows in the last year. I have been to MCA Day in NYC, I have seen Brian Fallon, Bad Religion, Against Me!, Henry Rollins, The Interrupters, and the Dropkick Murphy’s without a drink in my hand. The awesome thing about seeing shows sober is you get to remember every little detail; things I wouldn’t have picked up on if I had been drinking.

Originally posted on February 13, 2017

Originally posted on January 29, 2017

I mention anxiety at least every time I write. Anxiety is a big part of my life. It is also a very misinterpreted term. Some people have never experienced true anxiety, and a lot of people deal with it every day. It is way more than typical stress. I cannot simply chill out, calm down, relax, or not be so high-strung. Anxiety is what changed me from an occasional social beer drinker, to a self-medicating nightly alcohol abuser. Alcohol temporarily numbed away my worries…at least for a couple hours. Alcohol was my coping mechanism for the anxiety and the shit-storm going on in my head. What is it exactly that turned me into an anxious person? When I was younger I was told all the time how mellow I was, and I was so chill…I remember those days. What changed? For a long time I couldn’t figure it out. Through self-reflection I do believe what made me an anxious person was a slow accumulation of life events.

I think the major turning point was when I became a parent. I have loved being a Dad since my daughter was born. Today, I have a daughter and a son…and they have a six year age gap. What happened in between those six years included a full spectrum of emotions. In my wife and I’s attempt to have a second child we dealt with infertility for several years. Four failed pregnancies, unsuccessful fertility treatments, and the beginning stages of the adoption process definitely had taken its toll on our family. My wife was having her heart broken over and over, and so was I, but I felt I had to keep my shit together. I had to stay strong, and I did on the exterior. What was going on inside of me was not strong at all. I seemed to be crumbling, and drinking made the pain go away. After three years of disappointment and despair, a miracle happened. A pregnancy test came back positive, and nine months later our son was born. Parenting is hard work…like the hardest job…ever. I want nothing more than my kids to be happy and healthy.

What I have learned is that I cannot control everything my kids do, or what they feel. It breaks my heart and shoots my anxiety through the roof when anyone in my family is hurting. I recently am starting to understand that I can only control what I do. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. While I may not be able to control every decision my kids make, what I can do is influence them and their behavior. Letting go is so hard for me. I am probably what people call a helicopter parent. In the last year I’ve been getting a better grip on setting the best example I can, and having trust that I have done a good job as a parent, and that they will make good decisions. Constant worrying for the safety of my family, and immediately thinking of the worst absolute scenario has made me anxious for years. The alcohol made it go away briefly, but it also makes it come back stronger the next day, and the next day, and the next, and so on.

Anxiety sufferers get triggered by a lot different things. Work, health conditions, family concerns, money, and politics can all cause elevated anxiety for people. For me, the safety and well-being of my family is my biggest trigger. I have heard some people say if you avoid your triggers, your anxiety goes away. Really? For one, I can’t avoid my family, nor do I want to. Avoiding challenging situations just masks the underlying issue…similar to what alcohol does. I had to find a way to cope with the triggers, and be able to deal with them. I have made great strides in the past ten months. For one, I quit drinking alcohol, which after awhile you realize that consuming alcohol in times of stress actually makes it worse. And two, I revisited and revitalized my meditation practice, and am doing my best to follow Buddhism’s Eightfold Path, which if you are unfamiliar with, could be a great practice for anyone, regardless of religion.

The events of my life aren’t entirely unique from someone else in my same demographics. I tell you they are not unique because I would make an educated guess that other women and men have had some similar experiences. I’d even go out on a limb to say some men like me, drink craft beer to medicate mental illness. The majority of the feedback and public support I get from my writing is from women…which is great (thank you)! I get some support from men (thank you, too!), but there seems to still be a stigma which prevents men from talking about their internal struggles, or seeking help…if help is what they want. The recent popularity of the beer and wine markets make it awfully easy to hide a problem. That is absolutely what happened to me. I attempted to come across as an aficionado of craft beer, but what was really going on was I was feeding an unhealthy addiction, and creating even more anxiety for myself.

Originally posted on January 16, 2017

I recently completed reading Congressman John Lewis’ graphic novel trilogy, March. It beautifully tells the story of Mr. Lewis’ involvement in the Civil Rights Movement. Mr. Lewis, along with Martin Luther King, Jr., were two of the movement’s leaders which brought forth significant change through desegregation and equal rights for African-Americans. Dr. King has always been a personal hero of mine. The way Dr. King and the movement used a strict non-violent methodology while insults, punches, and kicks were continuously being hurled at them, is admirable to say the least.

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is: what are you doing for others?”

~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

About five or six years ago I started a fundraising organization, the Freshcassette Giving Foundation, because I believed all people have kindness in their hearts and want to help others when they can. I wanted to provide a platform for people to easily help others through a simple donation. I hand selected every charitable organization we have raised money for, and I’ve set very ambitious goals for a small grassroots organization. We have sent bicycles to Africa, built a school in India and a water-well in the South Sudan, we made viral news status through lemonade stands, and helped numerous local organizations through art sales.  

Earlier this year my organization started sponsoring a seven year old Honduran girl through Children International. We started sponsoring her when we had the art gallery downtown. Unfortunately, myself and Freshcassette left the gallery at the end of the year. With that being said, our income, which payed for Marcela’s sponsorship, disappeared. In an effort to not leave Marcela without a sponsor I launched an effort to raise enough money to prepay her sponsorship through her life in the program. Once the goal is met she will have the benefits provided by Children International until the age of 19. Plus, she will have all of the opportunities to break her cycle of poverty.

A lot more about Marcela’s situation, and how Children International will help her are listed at www.freshcassette.com/marcela. This page provides details on Marcela’s current living condition, the benefits Children International provides, and the opportunities that will change Marcela’s life.

After doing this type of fundraising work for over five years, I have learned that everyone has the causes that are most important to them. The causes that I support and fundraise for are very likely not on the priority list of my friends and family….and that’s okay. There are so many causes that need support. There are domestic and international organizations, humane and animal welfare organizations, disease research funds, etc. You get the picture. There are a wealth of directions that you could go with your charitable donations.

Am I asking for a donation to help support Marcela? Absolutely…I won’t sugarcoat it. This little girl lives in poverty and she has been given an incredible opportunity to break her generation’s cycle of poverty. With just a little help from a few generous souls, her dream can become a reality.

I once read that when you combine what you are good at, with helping other people; that is what defines purpose. You certainly don’t have to donate to my fundraiser, and if you choose not to…it’s totally cool. On this national holiday, and in the near future, I will ask that you at least find something that is important to you. Give it your all, and make a difference. It feels wonderful to help people. I feel it is also very important to educate our children on the legacy of Dr. King, and how his message is timeless and will last for generations.

As you can tell this blog post is not about my sobriety, which is breaking the norm. Sometimes I may need to divert my conversation to other very important topics. Dr. King has been, and always will be a personal hero of mine. His message is very clear,

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” - Dr. King

To me, Marcela matters, and I will not give up on her. I was fortunate to be born in the United States of America. Only 4.4% of people get that privilege. I feel a personal responsibility to help people, especially those who have a hard time being able to help themselves.

I hope you take some time to reflect on how Dr. King helped reshape the country we live in. His contributions are monumental. Our country is at a crossroads. It is at times like these that Dr. King’s message can be an example for all of us.

“Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” - Dr. King

Originally posted on December 30, 2016

The big night is here, the last evening of the year…the grand finale of excessive drinking. New Year’s Eve! Many will drink way too much alcohol to celebrate the ending of 2016 and the beginning of 2017. It seems like there is a false hope that life will be greatly improved, come January 1st. I know many people want 2016 to be over. Several want to drink themselves away on the last day of the year and give a big fat middle-finger to the year that took away Bowie and Prince and gave us four years of Trump and Pence. Will the drinking really solve anything? No. Is New Year’s just an excuse to drink too much? Absolutely. For me I used to seek out and look forward to days or events like New Year’s. I could drink as much as I wanted and it was okay…because society has been telling me my whole life that it’s acceptable (and encouraged) to drink on New Year’s Eve, or St. Patrick’s Day, every sporting event, at parties, etc. You get the picture.

On January 1st, when awoken with a hangover, some will vow to begin eating healthy, to drink less or start working out. We all know the story, gyms are overcrowded in January and they slowly get deserted as the year goes by. Look at your grocery ad for the first week of the year. Fruits, vegetables, and boneless-skinless chicken breast are all on sale. The food companies are banking on Americans to make healthier choices…at least for a few weeks. At least until Super Bowl Sunday rolls around at the end of the month and beer and junk food return as socially acceptable staples.

So what happens to us when the new year begins that make us declare vows of self-improvement? We are often determined to make a positive change in our lives using a New Year’s resolution as the vehicle for change. Someone might start exercising, stop smoking, eat healthier, or maybe save more money. The start of a brand new year makes sense for these changes. This allows you to easily keep track of how long you have been doing this changed behavior. It also provides an elegant transition by packaging up the old and unhealthy behaviors of the previous year, and unwrapping a shiny package of new and improved behaviors for the new year.

Year by year, we make these New Year’s resolutions. By definition a resolution is a firm decision to do or not to do something. Based on a 2016 studypublished from the University of Scranton’s Journal of Clinical Psychology, only 8% of people are successful at achieving their New Year’s resolution. The study also shows that 25% of people who make a resolution end up failing by the end of the first week of the year, and by July, 53% of people will have given up on their resolution.

Why do people feel the need to make resolutions, and why do they more often than not, fail? I’m no expert on this, but I believe people likely feel the need to make resolutions because they want to motivate themselves to make a positive change in their life. The excessiveness of the holidays is out of the way, a new year is approaching…the time is right for a new you. Sounds great, right? So, what’s the problem?

Based on my personal experiences, changing behavior is incredibly difficult, especially when you have a super addictive personality like I do. I have made some pretty significant lifestyle changes this year. I stopped drinking alcohol, I became a vegetarian, I weaned myself off of Lexapro, and I started living my life on my own terms. I didn’t make these changes on January 1st, 2015. I made most of them in the middle of March. By definition, the changes I made were resolutions, they just didn’t begin on the dawn of the new year.

What makes one person succeed at a resolution, and another person fail? I think it all comes down to commitment and the desire to make a change. I have succeeded this year because ten months ago I was determined to change, I wasn’t going to allow anything to stop me, and I was committed to never return to destructive and unhealthy behaviors. You have to want the change so bad. You have to not let anything steer you in the wrong direction. You have to be willing to overcome the struggles and temptations that present themselves. Your will to change must overcome the temporary satisfaction that you’ve become numb to. And I think the most important; you have to want to make the change for yourself. If you try to change your behavior because of someone’s desire for you to change, it won’t work. You’ll either fail, or you’ll end up resenting that person. If you dig deep and find out who you truly want to be, the superficial obstacles will be much easier to hurdle.

A true resolution is a complete lifestyle change. A firm decision to do or not to do something. Believe me, making my changes were the most difficult things I have ever done. I made a firm decision, not a half-assed or lazy decision. I didn’t make these decisions on January 1st, and you don’t have to either. You have to make the decision when you are 100% committed and ready. New Year’s resolutions can seem phony at times, and the statistics kind of agree with that statement. If you are determined to have a New Year’s resolution, go for it, I want you to prove me wrong. The point I am trying to make is that making a positive change in your life takes courage, it’s difficult, and it should only be made when you are ready to take it on…completely. Don’t do it because societal norms have told you that January 1st is a great day to make a change.

As I wrote at the beginning of this post, many people were not very fond of 2016. I don’t know how many times I have read “F you, 2016” in my Facebook newsfeed. Maybe it wasn’t the best year for you. Surely, something good has happened in the last 365 days though. I did some digging and found the 99 best things that happened in 2016. Take a look at it. Look for the good in people, the good in a situation, and the good in yourself. Be positive and love yourself. Be brave, be honest, and be you. For me, I found myself this year. For that, 2016 will always be a special year. I look forward to see what 2017 brings, one day at a time.

Originally posted on December 8, 2016

I am just a few days away from reaching my nine month sobriety milestone. Wow, I really can’t believe it. I couldn’t go a day without drinking beer a year ago. And I couldn’t have just one beer each day; it had to be enough to take the edge off. Now I am three months away from an entire year without a drop of alcohol in my body. I have written about the mental and physical health improvements this lifestyle change has made for me. There are many benefits to not drinking. Today I want to focus on one particular benefit. I don’t really enjoy talking about this. I think way too many people focus on this, and it can be abused just like drugs and alcohol. However, when managed responsibly, great things can potentially happen. I want to talk about money…more specifically the amount of money I have saved by quitting alcohol nearly nine months ago.

In order to help illustrate my point I need to provide you with a realistic idea of my weekly drinking habits. As I have stated more than once, my drink of choice was craft beer. What exactly is craft beer? According to Wikipedia, craft beer is brewed in an independently owned brewery which specializes in small batches of quality beer. In other words, it’s not your Bud, Miller, or Coors beers. Craft beer has been in a boom for the last fifteen years or so. The beer is high quality, high priced (likely because of the demand), and typically has a high ABV (alcohol by volume). I enjoyed it so much. I loved the variety. I loved trying new beers, because there was always one I hadn’t had. The traditional American lager just didn’t cut it for me. It was incredibly boring to me. I suppose you could have called me a beer snob. Beer snobbery comes at a cost. I would rather pay $9 for a six-pack of craft beer, than twelve bucks for a 30-pack of Pabst. We’re talking $1.50/craft vs. $0.39/PBR per twelve ounce beer.

Keep in mind the figures I just presented, $1.50 for one craft beer, are the costs when buying from a liquor store. Most of my drinking was done at home, but that’s not to say I didn’t drink at bars and restaurants. That buck-fifty beer I drank at home could easily cost me anywhere from $5 to $10 from a bar. And of course, who has just one? I drank beer from drinking establishments for work happy hours, sporting or entertainment events, at dinner with my family, or meeting old friends over the holidays. More or less, if beer was served, I would find it and drink it.

We are in a beer and wine crazy society! It’s everywhere, and everyone wants it. Breweries are making limited edition beers, and of course I had to get every one of them. I can’t tell you how much time and money was wasted looking for a damn bottle of chocolate ale a few years back. What is interesting is people find money in their budget for booze, regardless of how dire the circumstances may be. When our economy went to shit a few years back, people still consumed alcohol…if not a little more. Towards the last couple years of my addiction I would oftentimes look for the highest ABV beers and calculate in my head in the aisle of the liquor store which has the best alcohol to cost value. Also, when times were tight, or I was feeling guilty for spending too much money on beer…I would put my beer snobbery on the shelf and grab a case of PBR.

We are entering the holiday season. Its that special time of year where your alcohol budget has no ceiling. I always looked forward to the month of December. The breweries would release their special holiday craft beers. There were numerous social gatherings to celebrate and be merry. I would find ways to gift rare bottles of beer to people. And of course, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year’s Eve were the culmination of my craft beer enjoyment. The Super Bowl if you will, where the best of the best was poured into my most prized pint glass.

But…now I am nine months removed from that lifestyle. In a few weeks the holidays will be here. There will be no craft beer super bowl, or unveiling of the most hard to find winter brew. It will simply be me, enjoying my family with a clear head and a full heart, probably drinking some La Croix. I get asked if I miss beer, or if I would like to have just one. Absolutely, I would like to have just one. The many flavors of craft beer were delicious. One thing I have learned in the past nine months is that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. Sure, I would like to have one and I do miss the taste, but I like who I have become way more than I ever loved a bottle of beer. Drinking during the holidays is literally and figuratively shoved down our throats. I am proud of what I have accomplished, and I am looking forward to shoving back on that drink this year. It doesn’t have to win the shoving match,  it only will if you let it.

I have a sobriety app on my phone. It counts the number of days from your last drink. Today mine is at 274 days. It also calculates how much time and money you have saved since giving up your vice, which is based on data the user inputted when the app was setup. As of today, I have saved 626 hours of time, and nearly $1,400.  If you do that math that is just over $5 a day. Five bucks a day doesn’t sound like much, but obviously when it is multiplied by days, weeks, or years; it will add up to a significant number. That is money that was spent for a temporary satisfaction, which had more negative consequences on my mental and physical health than any possible benefit it could provide.

I don’t like to focus on money, and I don’t like to have conversations about personal finance. Money is a personal issue. I had a hard time convincing myself to write this. But, it is a significant part of my recovery, so I felt like I needed to get it out there. This blog is about me being honest with myself, and helping anyone who can relate to what I write about.

Originally posted on November 23, 2016

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. My plan is to write about the holiday and to tell you all that I am thankful for, but first I want to share some final thoughts about what happened after my last post. So…this will be a two part blog post for your Thanksgiving reading enjoyment.

Part 1: Be the Light

What an intense couple of weeks it has been for our country. If you missed it, I wrote down my initial ‘gut-reaction’ the day after the election. After I had the chance to get my thoughts down, I took a step back. I decided what was best for me, and my mental state, was a much needed timeout from the media. This timeout included an absence from the time-suckand emotion-aggravator we all call Facebook. My hiatus from these channels was a week long. I cut myself off from Facebook (I even deleted the app off my phone), no news channels or websites, and no NPR on the radio. At first it felt strange, but after a day or two I found I had a lot more time on my hands. I played a lot of guitar, watched some good stuff on Netflix, and enjoyed my family. I also had time to reflect on myself; including my dreams, my actions, my personal goals, and how I choose to present myself to the world (including in person, this blog, my social accounts, etc.)

When I decided to join the Facebook world again, I quickly learned that not a lot had changed. People are still talking about politics, and people are still complaining about people talking about politics….is there really a difference between the two?  It is okay (and encouraged) to have thoughts, values, and opinions on the very important social issues our world faces. As I told a friend while on my hiatus, if you feel the need or desire to voice yourself publicly on social media, do it with conviction and positivity. Lead by example, and believe it or not, when you do that…people will notice. The world is dark right now, but it doesn’t have to be. If we choose to be the light, it will help others see through the darkness. Be the light.

Part 2: Thankful

It’s that time of the year where we as a society gather our families together to eat insane amounts of food, watch football, take naps, and catch up with relatives we don’t see very often. In the past, I would have added ‘drink beer’ in my list of Thanksgiving to-dos…but not this year. This will be my first Thanksgiving under my new alcohol-free lifestyle. I have had a lot of firsts since March of this year. I have gone on family vacations, weekends at the lake, lots of post-bike race comradery, a wedding anniversary, a 40th birthday, several holidays, and countless social gatherings…all with no beer, no alcohol. I’ve said this before, and I don’t want to repeat myself too much, but as time goes on…it gets easier. One of my most enjoyable times of the year for drinking beer had been the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Some of my favorite seasonal brews were released at this time, everyone seemed a bit more joyful and willing to have a cold one, and it was a nice excuse to drink way too much. But this year, I am actually looking forward to drinking my sparkling water tomorrow and enjoying my family without the beer buzz I’ve had in many years past.

Another first I will be experiencing this year is having Thanksgiving dinner as a vegetarian. That’s an oxymoron, right? A few weeks ago this realization popped into my head, and I quickly started making an inventory of what I could and couldn’t eat. My wife very graciously has made some accommodations for me, and even offered to get me a tofu turkey. While I do enjoy tofu and some meat substitutes, I decided to pass on the tofu turkey. Similar to the lack of beer I’ll have tomorrow, I honestly don’t think I’ll miss the traditional food that most of us have grown accustomed to. This year I have made a lifestyle change on what I decide to put in my body. I have not had alcohol or meat in 259 days, so I’m comfortable knowing that I can get through a Thanksgiving holiday without them either. It’s just another day. Day 260.

Aside from what we, as Americans, consume on Thanksgiving Day; the holiday is to be an expression of gratitude and thanks. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I have heard a lot of people say that 2016 was a pretty shitty year because of significant celebrity deaths, a divisive election cycle, terror attacks, Brexit, Zika, etc. Maybe 2016 wasn’t so great for us, but we can only control what we have the ability to control…and for me, that’s myself. So, why should I be thankful? Well, as I already stated above and I tell you every couple weeks, I am thankful for my sobriety. It has opened my eyes, my mind, and my heart. The clarity of my path gets clearer every day.

I am thankful for anyone who is reading this now, or has read my blog in the past. Creating this blog was one of the most terrifying and courageous things I have ever done. I am grateful for everyone who has showed me support, and all who accepted me in my most vulnerable state with my flaws and weaknesses exposed. This blog has truly changed my life. Thank you.

I am thankful for my amazing family. As much as I tell you how wonderful sobriety is, there are still difficult times. I drank to mask anxiety. The drinks are gone, but the anxiety is still there. My family is there day in and day out, and they get to experience my good days and the not-so-good days. I appreciate them more than anyone knows. They are my rock, and the loves of my life.

I am thankful that I live in the United States of America. Sure, we’ve got our problems. We also have access to education, freedom, clean water, opportunity, and healthcare…among many other things that are often taken for granted. There are so many people of this world that live in dire conditions. Due to many obstacles, they have a very small chance for those conditions to improve. This results in an endless cycle that is passed on from generation to generation. Yeah, I have it pretty good.  

I am thankful I get to work for a fantastic charitable organization that helps to alleviate some of the problems I noted in the previous paragraph for children around the globe. I am thankful for the two small organizations I’ve founded. One, has accomplished so many charitable acts of kindness, and is gearing up to do some more. And my second endeavor is just getting started, and I am excited to see where I can take it.

I am thankful for a lot more, but these are the things that mean the most to me. With every Thanksgiving that comes and goes, it is always followed by a chaotic Black Friday shopping day…then there is Small-Business Saturday and Cyber-Monday. One of the days that doesn’t get the attention it deserves is Giving Tuesday. This is a global day of giving fueled by the power of social media and collaboration. Let’s use our social accounts for some positive good next Tuesday. I encourage you to make a donation to your favorite charity, and ask your network of people to do the same.  You don’t even have to donate money if that’s not doable. You could go volunteer somewhere, donate blood, or donate clothes, hygiene products, or household items. We all have the power to make a difference. It doesn’t matter what you do, just do something. It feels fantastic, and I promise you that.

Enjoy your holiday weekend, and enjoy each other.

Originally posted on November 9, 2016

I don’t know what to say, America. I am sad right now, that’s for sure. I’m not the only sad one. Plenty of Americans are sad, some even angry…very angry.

I am sad because I had to look my nine year old daughter in the eye this morning and tell her that the less qualified man got the job, over a very qualified woman.

I am sad because I have watched President Obama display class-act leadership for our country the past eight years. All of the progress that has been made could potentially be tossed aside with no regard for anything he has done.

I am sad for every American whose shade of skin is anything different than mine. I am sad that half of our country voted for someone who has values that are embraced by America’s oldest and most infamous hate group.

I am sad for anyone who identifies as LGBTQ. Being treated as if you are anything less than equal is disgusting, unjust, and an American shame.

I am sad for immigrants and refugees who seek a new home in America. I can’t imagine living in the conditions of their home countries. They want what all of us want…a safe place to raise a family and opportunities so they can provide for their families.

I am sad for our country’s indigenous people and what little sacred land they have left to call their own.

I am sad for all women and girls. Those who have been victims of sexual assault, and nearly all who have been at the receiving end of sexist verbal abuse.

I am sad that young men and little boys have to be taught that it is not okay to objectify women or be misogynistic towards anyone of the opposite sex, ever.

I am sad that the outcome of this election will likely have Supreme Court implications that will last for a generation, and sends us backwards two generations.

I am sad for our hurting planet. Climate change is a very real thing, and our hope for slowing the destruction of our wonderful planet was just shattered in the most important election of my lifetime.

That’s really it. I am simply sad for our country. Our country has been divided for so long, and it doesn’t ever appear to be getting any better. Everyone has values, and many of them differ from each other. Differences are okay, life would be pretty boring if everyone was exactly the same. What bothers me is that kindness has left our country, and it has been replaced with selfish ideology. My best advice in this emotional time is to come together with people different than you. If you want change, then do something about it. I am sad, and our nation is devastated right now. I can’t change the election result, and neither can you. What we can do is be kind to each other, help your neighbor, or get involved in a movement for change…but do it with dignity and respect. As the beloved Michelle Obama often says, “when they go low, we go high”.

One final note, I just read Secretary Clinton’s concession speech, and it honestly brought me to tears. I have a daughter, and the thing I want most for her is to have the opportunities to do anything she could possibly dream up, including being President of the United States of America.

Originally posted on November 7, 2016

Up until this point, I have talked to you about my sobriety. I gave up drinking on March 9, 2016…exactly 242 days ago. If you’ve been reading, I have touched on struggles I’ve had with anxiety also. I haven’t really given the topic a great narrative yet though. In a nutshell, I have anxiety, and I used to self-medicate those issues with alcohol. Oh, I also take anti-depressants. Let’s talk about it.

A couple years back when I realized I was significantly suffering with anxiety I made a visit to my doctor. During the appointment we discussed the anxiety, I took a brief mental health quiz, and I was quickly given a prescription of Lexapro and sent on my way. I started taking this daily anti-depressant with great hopes of it calming my mind and finding relief from the constant anxiety that consumed my mind. I took the dosage the doctor prescribed for over a year. To my dissatisfaction, I wasn’t getting the relief I was hoping for. I was still drinking at the time, too. I decided to visit my doctor again, and he doubled my dosage. I was at the maximum dosage of Lexapro. I quickly learned that I did not like the doubled dose of this medication. I felt like a zombie with no feeling at all, good or bad. I knew I needed to get off this medication. It was right around this time I decided to take the plunge of living an alcohol free lifestyle, and more or less a healthy lifestyle overall.

As you’ve heard, on March 9th of this year, I gave up alcohol and became a vegetarian. I also decided I wanted to get off of all prescription meds. I was on two…one for my hiatal hernia and the Lexapro for the anxiety. The hiatal hernia meds were no problem stopping after I changed my eating and drinking behavior. Then I stopped taking my maximum dose of Lexapro cold-turkey. I quickly learned that that was a horrible idea. My body went numb and dizzy, and was going into a serious Lexapro withdrawal. I did a bunch of research and learned that anti-depressants need to be tapered off of, and to NEVER quit cold turkey. I got back on the medication just for the sake of tapering off of it. For the next couple months I followed a gradual taper down plan. After getting it down to a very small amount, the withdrawal symptoms started coming back. I don’t really know how to describe them, but I felt awful. After a talk with the doc, I got back on the minimum dose of Lexapro, which at least made the withdrawal symptoms subside.

The desire to get off of Lexapro never went away. I have had a change of heart though regarding the desire to stop taking anti-depressants all together. Lexapro didn’t work for me. One thing I’ve learned in this journey is that there are many medications, and they all work a little differently for everyone. So just a few weeks ago I made it back to that doctor of mine, but this time I was educated and had experience to help with what I was asking for. My goal going in was to get a plan for getting off Lexapro for good and to get a new prescription for an alternative medication. I left the doctor’s office with exactly what I set out to do. The doc had me start taking Wellbutrin, while at the same time start tapering off of the Lexapro. His methodology was essentially to ramp one up, while at the same time ramping the other down. I was optimistic, but also nervous of the plan.

I started this plan about four weeks ago, and as of this morning I took my last Lexapro pill yesterday. I am fully ramped up on Wellbutrin, and have been for four weeks. The big thing that I was nervous about would be if the withdrawal symptoms still occurred. Well, they’re not nearly as intense as my last attempt, but they are still there. The withdrawal symptoms started a couple of weeks ago, and I think the worst of the symptoms peaked about a week later. The symptoms come and go, and I am constantly reminding myself that they will eventually go away completely. So what exactly are the symptoms? The most significant symptom for me are these things called ‘brain zaps’. Here is a description of these zaps defined by the Anxiety Centre.

It feels as if your head, brain, or both have experienced a sudden shake, vibration, tremor, jolt, electric shock, or zap. Some people describe the head and brain zaps symptoms as if the brain has been suddenly jolted by electricity or strong electric charge. Others describe it as having a sudden intense head or brain tremor, shake, or vibration. The head and brain zaps symptoms generally come out of nowhere and don’t have a logical explanation. These head and brain zaps usually last only a few brief moments and then disappear. The brain zap feeling can affect a small part of your head or brain, many parts of them, or all of them. The head and brain zaps symptoms can occur rarely, frequently, or persistently. They can be associated with anxiety and stress, or for no apparent reason. The head and brain zaps symptoms can be slight, moderately strong, or severe. All variations and combinations of the above are common.

For me, the brain zaps are intensified when turning my head around (like when needing to back a car up), or making sudden shifts to what I’m looking at. The brain zaps are the worst, but another constant symptom is a foggy brain feeling. Plus occasional emotional and anxious moments hit me when I least expect them to.

When I step back from the symptoms for a minute and just think about what is going on in my body, it is some scary shit. I was given medication from a doctor to help me. Instead, I got a medication that did not help at all, and it then created a chemical dependence that is a bitch to get off of. I’m not going to get into the subject of drug companies and doctors being in cahoots with one another and over-prescribing medications…but I think that is a conversation that definitely needs to be had.

Of course, I am very aware that my new prescription of Wellbutrin could give me similar struggles if and when I decide to stop taking it. I have done a bit of research on Wellbutrin and it appears to have a longer half-life than Lexapro…which should make the withdrawal easier when that time comes.

Believe it or not, I don’t vocally share this kind of information with anyone. Sharing it in my blog is my way to get it out there, and to hopefully help someone with similar struggles. My hope is that this is also a reminder to everyone that many people suffer with mental illness, and they are doing their best to rein their struggles in and be a functional member of society. Mental health struggles cannot be seen, and I’d bet the majority of sufferers keep it to themselves. I guess what I am trying to say is to be kind to people, because you don’t know what’s really going on with that person. You can tell people to “relax”, “chill-out”, or “cheer-up” all you want…but it’s not always that easy for some people to do. I know those sentiments probably have the best intentions, but I can’t flip a switch to instantly appear normal.

Like my history with drinking, which I have been sharing with you for the past six months, anxiety is another area I struggle with. Anxiety is what increased my drinking from a social beer connoisseur to a way to self-medicate the anxiety. I got through giving up alcohol, and I will get through my anti-depressant withdrawal too. I am learning how to deal with life’s stressors alcohol free, but I have also learned that taking medication for mental illness is not a weakness when taken appropriately. If you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness…please seek help. There is a lot of help out there, so don’t be afraid to ask for it. You’re worth it. I am also a big proponent of meditation and mindfulness to help aide in my quest for a peaceful mind.

Originally posted on October 26, 2016

One of the most difficult things about a newly committed life of sobriety is getting through situations or events where you would typically be drinking otherwise. Parties, sporting events, concerts…those kinds of situations. I recently wrote about my trip to New York City, and some of the temptations I had on that trip. What I have learned through my experiences is the longer I am on this path, and the more situations I get through, the more empowered I feel. It feels like I am experiencing things all over again for the first time, because I am doing it sober. It’s a pretty fantastic feeling. I went and saw Bad Religion play last week and I remember every little detail. Its things like that that makes this journey worthwhile. I am enjoying life in the purest and most true way possible. I recently got back from another trip. A trip where I could enjoy my sobriety, my thoughts, good company, and peace.

As you may have read a month ago, I turned forty years old. The fun thing about milestone birthdays is that some of your friends, and many people you grew up with have the same milestone in the same year as you do. My best friend Mike turns forty in December. Mike and I first met at the designated wooden block area of our kindergarten classroom. We hit it off immediately. As children we did pretty much everything together and a strong bond was formed. The bond has continued all these years. Mike and I haven’t even lived in the same area of the country for nearly twenty years. Several weeks ago I get a text from Mike telling me that he is organizing a backpacking trip in the Appalachian Mountains of West Virginia. The trip is in mid-October, and is an early celebration of his fortieth birthday, and he is inviting me to join in on the adventure.

I was excited, to say the least, to get invited on this trip. I had some hesitation saying yes at first. I would have to take some vacation time from work, and leave my wife to tend to our children for four days. With some encouragement from my wife that she can handle the kids, I texted Mike back that I was in! Now I had about three weeks to gather all the gear needed to backpack and hike through a forest that also was a designated black bear sanctuary. Yikes! The roster of hikers was going to be myself and Mike, Mike’s brother Dan, Mike’s college friend Mitch, and one of Mitch’s buddies James. Fortunately for Mike, Dan, and me…Mitch and James are seasoned survivalists of the outdoors.

Day 1 Dan and I both live in the Kansas City area. Mike lives in Cincinnati, and Mitch and James live in the D.C. area. Starting on Thursday morning Dan and I load up my car with our gear and begin the nine hour road trip to Cincinnati. The drive went much quicker than I anticipated and we showed up at Mike’s place just before dinner. We spent the evening catching up, carb loading, and making a last minute stop at REI. In the morning the three of us would be back on the road, headed towards West Virginia.

Day 2 The three of us get up really early and start heading east. The further east we get the more beautiful the scenery is. The mountains and valleys are covered in trees with about every shade of autumn color you can imagine. The closer we get to our destination, the poorer our cell phone reception is. The plan is to meet Mitch and James at a predetermined trailhead. The three in my car learn that the trailhead is closed and that you can’t even get a car to that area. We are unable to reach the other two due to the poor reception, so we’re a little concerned that we’re not going to find each other. Through pure luck we find out that we are only about five minutes apart and nearly at the destination point. We meet up and continue to a new trailhead in the Cranberry Wilderness area of the Monongahela National Forest.

The five of us exchange greetings with one another and load up our gear. The most obvious sign of Mike, Dan, and I’s inexperience is our complaints of the weight of the packs we were carrying on our backs. They were somewhere between forty and fifty pounds…I think. We didn’t get started until 3:00 PM, about three hours later than planned. We knew we needed to set up camp and prepare our dinner before it got dark…so we only had a couple hours to hike. We headed down a gravel fire road that skirted along a majestic river with incredibly large boulders diverting the flowing water. The five of us hiked about 4.5 miles down the fire road while we all caught up with the happenings of our personal lives. Eventually we find a nice area along the river to set up camp. The rest of the night was spent eating dehydrated meals and simply hanging out by the campfire. The nice thing was that none of us had any cell phone reception, so there were no electronic distractions the whole trip.

Day 3

We wake up and most of us had a horrible night of sleeping. For myself, I was freezing cold all night long. It was somewhere in the 30’s, I believe, the first night. Oh well, I didn’t really expect a good night’s rest on this trip. We start packing things up, eating breakfast, filtering water. Oh yeah, I should talk about that for a bit. We had to collect water from the river and creeks and filter it for our drinking water. This was surprisingly good tasting water. I was expecting something that tasted like a mix of trout and beaver poop. I’m guessing the cooler weather helps a lot with the taste.

After all is packed up, with trail maps in hand, he start heading up. The goal is to get to the top of the smallish mountain. We climb to about 4,000 feet elevation over 4.5 miles. I had a GPS device with me so I could report distance and elevation to the group. This quickly earned me the nickname of “Data”for the weekend. It was really cool to get to the point where the leaved trees stop and the evergreen trees start. Hiking through the wilderness was my favorite part of this trip. Navigating through and over some pretty untamed terrain was challenging and poetic at the same time. And at the back of your mind is the constant reminder that we are in bear country.

At the top of the mountain we stumble upon a recently used campsite. It had a fire ring, some firewood neatly stacked, and plenty of room for three tents. We put our heavy packs down and start setting up our home for the evening.

Day 4 This is the last day in the wilderness. We wake up relatively early to get started on our six mile hike back to where our cars are. Six miles may not sound like much, but when you have forty-fiveish pounds on your back, and you’re hiking through ungroomed singletrack trail…it’s quite a ways. Eating breakfast and loading up our gear went pretty smoothly, so he hit the trail. This day was definitely my favorite as far as scenic hiking goes. There was this one section of forest that was serene and a little bit haunting where the sun was shining, but was muted by the tall forest trees. The ground was covered with a green mossy plant. We agreed that it felt like we were on the Ewoks home planet of Endor from Return of the Jedi. Honesty…the similarities were amazing.

As we proceed with our hike we are continually descending back to our starting elevation of about 2,700 feet. Hiking downhill with extra weight and three days of hiking in your legs is tough. My calves were screaming at me. The serenity of walking through the forest made the aches and pains tolerable. It was definitely a meditative experience for me. I completely encompassed the environment and quietly used the time on the trails to reflect on what I have accomplished in the last seven and a half months.

We made it back to the cars around 3:00 PM. We survived with no bear attacks. I did stab myself in the eyeball with a stick on accident. That was scary for a couple hours, but all is good now.

Day 4.5 - 5 This is where things get exhaustively interesting. Mike, Dan, and I hop in my dependable Ford Focus and get on the road to head back to Cincinnati. We drive five hours to drop Mike off, then Dan and I keep going to Kansas City. We drive through the night and I walk into my house at 6:00 AM…right before my family is about to wake up. We made it. I am home.

I apologize, this came out a lot longer than expected. This trip was much needed for me. I was able to spend good quality time with my oldest friend, and three other awesome mates. I was unplugged from the ever time-sucking world of smartphones, laptops, and television. I had times of solitude to reflect on where I have been and where I want to go. I saw a beautiful area of the country that I’ve never had the opportunity to see up close and personal. I want to wish Mike a Happy 40th Birthday. I want to thank Mike, Dan, Mitch, and James for an adventurous time in the Cranberry Wilderness.

Originally posted on October 12, 2016

Seven months ago I gave myself the gift of sobriety. In return, sobriety is giving me things that I discover every day. Each of us is here to do something great in the world…at least that is my opinion. One of my favorite quotes from Muhammad Ali is “Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on Earth”. I wholeheartedly agree with this quote. I realized a long time ago that there is a lot of suffering and disadvantages many people deal with every single day of their lives. This is why for the past five years I have been dedicated to building a small little company to help people who need help.

Five years ago I had this idea in my head. I tried an experiment, if you will. I wanted to raise money for charity through the power of the arts. Visual art and music, to be more specific. I named this project, Freshcassette Creative Compassion. It started out slow, but through relentless work and a bit of lemonade luck, it blossomed and it’s some of the most rewarding work I’ve ever done. In four years we raised over $60,000 for charitable organizations, including the construction of a water-well in the South Sudan and a primary school in India. No money was ever collected for me, or the organization. 100% of everything went to charity.

Eighteen months ago I expanded the company as I partnered with two friends at running an art gallery in Kansas City’s Crossroads Arts District. The gallery, named the Clubhouse by Freshcassette, donated 20% of our annual profits to local charitable organizations. To all my friends and family who showed up, or supported me at the gallery…thank you.

In the last seven months my eyes have been opened. My priorities and desires jumped right in my face and shouted, “Hey! Look at me!” I started Freshcassette to raise money for charity and to help people who need a hand. That’s the only reason I started it, and the reason for me to have the drive to do the awesome projects we did. For me, it was never about running an art gallery. It was about finding creative ways to help people. Once my priorities got my attention, I quickly realized I can be a whole lot more effective doing things the way I did in the first four years. Plus, I can get a lot more time back to spend with my family. With that being said, I am leaving the art gallery at the end of the year. In 2017, I am rebranding the organization as the Freshcassette Giving Foundation. It has a brand new Facebook page, so please give it a like to stay in touch as I get things rolling. It is somewhat of a fresh start for me, and it feels like I am starting from the beginning. I want to take this opportunity to thank my two partners at the gallery. They are awesome people, and I wish them continued success.

During my journey with sobriety and the writing of this blog, I have also discovered a new passion. I feel I have a voice to help people who are dealing with similar struggles that I have experienced. My first thought was how can I incorporate this new interest with my existing project of Freshcassette.  After contemplation I quickly realized that they don’t really fit directly together. I have done a lot of research on living with sobriety, dealing with anxiety and other mental health issues, and learning to be my true self. Through my research I discovered that there are organizations that help with all of these issues, and a lot of them! But none of them were the perfect combination of what I was looking for. After a lot of encouragement from my inner-self, I decided I would just create an organization that I would like to have access to. I could use my blog as somewhat of the backbone of the organization, but I could expand on it through speaking opportunities and social media outreach. The future is unknown, so who knows what else it could evolve into?

This new journey for me is to take chances, and to boldly expose my vulnerabilities. With that being said, I’d like to introduce you to the Move a Mind Society. This is my new organization/project I have been putting together the last couple months. Aside from a being an online place of refuge for people dealing with addiction, recovery, sobriety, anxiety, depression, etc….it will be a project dedicated to inspiring others to become the people they want to be. In one of my early blog posts I wrote “Be brave, be honest, and be you”. A friend of mine told me they were immediately drawn to that quote. That particular feedback on a sentence I wrote was what really sparked this idea. I am excited as this is the first I have really told anyone about this.

Originally posted on September 28, 2016

Not that long ago I was a kid who just wanted to be older. Being older provided access and privilege to do things I couldn’t do being younger. I wanted to be 16, then 18, then 21, and so on. I eventually made my way through my twenties. Now I am closing out my thirties with my fortieth birthday, tomorrow. I remember when I was a kid, Hallmark would have entire sections of their stores dedicated to ‘Over the Hill’ decorations. You remember the ones? They were always black with white letters, and were given to people on their 40th birthday. Back then, I never really understood what ‘Over the Hill’ had to do with turning forty. Now that I am living it, it is crystal clear what it means. Your life has reached the top of the hill, the peak, and now you have to come back down. Eventually you get to the bottom of the hill, which means you die.

I completely understand that we all are going to die at one point or another. My ultimate hope is that I live the second half of this life healthy, happy, and meaningful. I also understand that the unexpected can happen. People are involved in accidents, or get diagnosed with disease, everyday. So we never really know when our day will come. With that being said, we need to live everyday with meaning, compassion, and giving the best effort we can. Starting a few years ago, I’ve had a level of insecurity with getting older. Part of my personality has always been drawn towards youthful movements and cultures like punk-rock and hip-hop, and I’ve feared that the further I get away from my youth, the less I will be in touch with those movements.

Since I began living a life of sobriety six months ago, my outlook has changed. I am now looking forward to my fortieth birthday. For the first time, I truly know who I am and what I am here to do. Sobriety has provided me a new perspective on life. I’m not trying to sound overly dramatic, but it is 100% true. I have a lot I want to do. I now have the motivation and life experiences to achieve these dreams. My thirties were pretty rewarding, don’t get me wrong. I became a father to two wonderful kids. I built a charitable company which did some pretty awesome things which I am so proud of. But my thirties were also tainted by an alcohol dependency. An alcohol dependence that contributed to health issues, self-medicated anxiety, and most importantly alcohol prevented me from achieving my full potential. We all have the right to reach our full potential. Anything less is unacceptable. I was granted this life, and I want to do everything I can to make it meaningful to myself, to those I care about, and to those who were not as fortunate as I have been.

You always hear that with age, comes wisdom. I am starting to get that now. In order for me to move forward with where I want to go, I had to live the life experiences that I’ve had. I had a drinking problem for several years. The way I look at it I had three options I could have taken. I could have kept going  down the path I was on. Living life day to day, and numbing life’s struggles every night. I could have stopped drinking, and felt sorry for myself. Or, I could have chosen option 3…which I did. I chose to change my life, and let my sobriety empower me. Not only is this journey empowering me, and opening new doors…it is also empowering my readers. This is it! As I’ve said countless times, I am no expert on this, nor do I claim to be…but based on the number of people who have reached out to me in response to my testimony…maybe this is what I should be doing?