I have a father who has always been on the outskirts of my life. The only way he knows how to love is by throwing money at us kids but being that I'm the youngest I saw the least amount of money thrown at me, both by choice and circumstance. My father should definitely be in therapy but he is a proud broken man so when the subject of money comes about he automatically thinks that's all we want him for.
I donated a kidney to my brother and while I was in the hospital room my father and step mother sat there telling me that if I ever needed financial help to buy my home or start my business they would gladly help. A year later I bought a home and started a business all on my own. Now this house is old, like 1900s old with an original kitchen, with the way inflation was going we received multiple quotes for a kitchen remodel coming in at 60k+ so at this point I thought it might be a good idea to ask dear old dad to help. Upon asking he told me that I was asking for too much, even though all I asked him to do was 'help' not pay for the entire thing and soon there after we stopped talking for six months.
I was not mad about the fact he wouldn't give me any money I was hurt that he didnt even want to help. He bought my brother a house, bought my sister a house in the Hamptons+ built her a pool, bought my siblings my multiple vehicles, paid 90k for my step sisters wedding, and sent my step brother through school and here, after 32 years, when I finally ask for help for a kitchen remodel he shoots me down and cuts communication.
After 6 months of no contact and with my wedding coming up I finally start asking family members why he hasn't called me. It gets back to me that he's telling people that I only call him when I want money. Now I made a point to call him once a week, every week because he'll never reach out, in fact I can count the number of times he's ever called me on both hands. After hearing what he's saying about me I call my step mother to get her opinion on the matter. This might or might not have anything to do with her answer but she is incredibly religious, my father is not.
We talked for a good 30+ minutes about the whole situation. To make a long story short she told me that I have to make more of an effort to make my dad love me. To work harder on our relationship like her daughter (only his by marriage) did. That I needed to make him feel loved and accepted for who he is and should show grace and forgiveness. She said that when I was in high school I pushed everyone away and that it just got "exhausting" trying to keep in contact with all the kids so she stopped trying. I was a child at that point and through my adult life had built our relationship up, or so I thought.
I am the ONLY kid of his that has never expected anything from him, I never expected him to be a parent to me and our relationship was by far the easiest for him to maintain. I never expected him to show up to my horse shows, help me through college, buy me a car, or be involved in my life more than a once a week phone call, unlike my siblings who demanded he go to their kids dance recitals, pay for their luxury purchases, and generally be involved in their family's life.
If he had told me that he couldn't afford it and money was tight, or quite literally anything about why he just couldn't manage it right now I would have understood but instead he just cut communication and I was hurt by that alone. It is not my job as his child to *MAKE* him love me, especially when I have done nothing to strain our relationship. I really thought that he would have reached out before 6 months but I honestly think that it could have kept going on had I not made the call.
So to all those people out there with absentee parents: It is not your job to make that parent love you, especially if you have done nothing wrong. It is their job as a parent to love you. You are not worthless, it is not your fault, and their decision to be a part of your life is not fully on your shoulders. You are loved.
