MORE OF MYSELF TO TRILL

[parachute opens up to reveal it is rainbow]

i have so many thoughts about sotha sil LMAO i dont even know where to begin. the bottom line i guess is that i think he was an extremely caring person, someone overall motivated by a general love for the world and everything in it-- someone who loved the world so much that he became obsessed with "fixing" it according to his own designs, wishing to eradicate all evil, and who was unable to cope with the fact that he couldn't do that. that he cared so much he withdrew in a fit of denial over his inability to make everything good for everyone. in particular almalexia's tribunal dialogue sticks out to me:

Once, Sotha Sil was like we are, the Lord Vivec and I. He spent time among these mortals, instructing them, counseling them, protecting them from harm. He may have loved them more than any of us, though I know not why.

given that this piece of dialogue comes while almalexia is trying to convince you to murder the guy, i interpret it as genuine-- almalexia saw sotha sil as loving the dunmer more than she or vivec did. combining that with the scene in 2920 where he refuses to kill any innocents on the ship and takes pains to scare them off, as well as being a great teacher...

i think that sotha sil was the ultimate idealist, someone who had such high aspirations for the world that he became debilitated by it. he wanted to fix everything and then couldn't cope with the fact that the world cannot be fixed. it was his entire motivation for raising the tribunal to godhood, after all: this idea that they might be the perfect custodians of the dunmer, fixing everything, making it all good. there's a reason he's guarded by "imperfects", why he obsesses over the clockwork city. he desperately wants things to be perfect. he can't bear that it's not.

For example every allistic I’ve ever worked with has told me “oh but you’re sooo good at socializing with people?!? I could neverrrr tell?!?!” If they learned I’m autistic.