Don't Blink.

As my insomnia dictates my life I can’t help but lay awake with my thoughts as they delve deep into the dark places that I’ve kept hidden from myself for too long.

Insomnia is dangerous when accompanied by anxiety and depression.

It’s dangerous because sleep is the only escape I have ever known.

Now I lay here.

Recalling every mistake I’ve made

In the last week.

In the last month.

In the last year.

Every single mistake I’ve ever made.

I lay here hating every decision that’s led me to this very moment.

I lay here thinking of what I could’ve done that would have kept me from the inevitable reality of self reflection.

Although a reflection in a broken mirror can only reveal so much.

I should be able to answer my questions about myself.

I should be able to know what my mind is doing and has done but I can’t even muster up enough evidence to prove to myself that the things that I have done make sense to me.

I don’t know me.

I don’t know who I am.

That’s the scariest part of all of this.

Who can answer any of the riddles and give ease to the self doubt and self-inflicted mental torture that I have to endure.... other than me?

I will ease my mind by telling myself that this is just another one of those things I go through.

Those deep dark places that feel so empty and full at the same time.

That feeling of being empty inside.

That feeling that forces me to close my eyes and lay in darkness just to prove that my heart is actually beating.

There is something in there.

I am not empty.

I have fought this once.

I have fought this twice.

I have fought this more times than I can remember.

I will fight this again.

Even if it feels like I’m losing the whole time.

Even if this is the battle I always win but I may never actually win.

I patiently wait for that day where I can just stop moving for one second.

The day I can take a deep breath and I realize that I am where I am.

I exist.

I fought my way out.

I fought my way to that uncomfortably comfortable pedestal most people know as happiness.

I know where I am because when I’m there the sun actually shines a little brighter.

I don’t have to force myself to sing along to that song.

I smile.

It’s easier to hold my head up.

I understand why the strangers who pass me by get to live and move and do things with out struggle.

Because in this moment I am not struggling.

I realize that every moment in the last week or two,

the last month or two,

the last year or two,

has felt forced.

Every person in my life has made me feel unwanted.

In that moment of happiness

I feel wanted.

I want to be wanted.

I want to feel.

And then I fall.

That pedestal is really fucking far away again.

The sun is dim and my smile is hidden by the shadow it casts.

The darkness lurks.

In fake friendships.

In anger.

In fear.

In the unknown.

In the fear of the unknown.

Happiness is unknown.

I fear happiness.

This is my mind.

This is my mind.

This is my mind and I have control over it.

This is my mind and I have control over it.

I have control over it.

I have control.