Joel Pascal

„Harry?” you freeze when you see him outside Cassie’s building. You just left, wanting to grab some groceries. And he’s… he’s here. You take off your sunglasses not sure how to act, or what to expect.

The last few days since the girls night you’ve been doing nothing, but thinking about him. You really started to lose all hope, that he’ll come back to his senses. And seeing him now? You don’t feel relieved, or hopeful. You feel irritated. It was supposed to be a good morning. You planned shopping, quick coffee with your publisher and maybe some visit on a market. Instead, your body fills with anxiety, your hands get cold as always when you’re nervous.

„You’re busy?” he asks. And even if there’s no hope in your eyes, his are definitely full of it. „Um… kinda. Was going to grocery store.” you say stiffly, your grip on your bag tightens. „What are you doing here?”

„I, uh…” he huffs nervously, scratching his neck. At this time he usually would be in his office, so you’re surprised his workaholic ass isn’t somewhere there, managing some stock crisis or other shit. „I came to… apologize.”

„Harry, don’t you think we’ve had enough of that already?”

„You don’t understand, I… I’ve been thinking. I get why you want the divorce. That’s part of the reason I didn’t come earlier… or why I didn’t try to reach you… Because I know you deserve better than me. And I was so focused on that… I’m a piece of shit, baby.” you let his words linger. You look away at the people passing on the pavement across the street. You can’t bear seeing your husband. All dressed up in a suit, but his eyes hollow like he didn’t sleep few nights in a row. You don’t want to wonder what kept him up. „And all that guilt made me forget, that mostly I am a piece of shit who still loves you so freaking much.”

That words make you look back at him. A lump forms in your throat. Harry knows he’s gonna need much more than what he said. But he made a move and he hopes it’ll be a first nail in the new bridge he’s building in your direction.

„I know you probably need time, but… But we can fix this. I want to fix this. Because marrying you was the best decision in my life, it still is.” he takes a step closer, getting more certain with every word. „And hell rather freeze than I let you go. I will do anything.”

After the events of last week, Harry really realized he has to stop pitying himself. Because you won’t stay no matter what. Because you’re stronger than letting him treat you like that. He spent last few days watching old videos from your wedding, or holidays. And his heart instantly knew this were the best moments in his entire life. With you he was able to overcome his insecurities, or other struggles. He loved taking care of you, even if it was just holding you through your period pains, or cooking dinner for you after a tough day. Yeah, he used to cook for you, too. This was true happiness. In its most pure and magical form.

And he really couldn’t lose it over his limitations.

„It’s just empty words, Harry.” you say quietly. „I’ve heard similar things many times. And you have hell of a nerve to assume I’ll just fall for that.” The look you give him isn’t soft, isn’t lovesick like it used to be.

„Darling, I… I don’t assume anything.” he reaches for your hand, he missed your touch so much. You feel your skin burn with the way it meets his. Your heart is conflicted. You waited for a similar moment, you wanted him to finally see he was wrong. And now that he seems to? You’re hesitating. You’re angry. All you wanna do is get away. Punish him even more for how he neglected you.

„I’m busy, Harry.” you step back. „I have to go.”

Without waiting for his reaction, you just turn away, walking as fast as you can. You hear him calling your name, but you just can’t let him win. Maybe that’s childish? But you feel so dissapointed in yourself, that after one sincere speech you feel ready to forgive him, despite how he treated you. You want him to learn something. And secretly… You doubt he will.

And you just don’t want to get hurt again.

Because if you will?

You’re not sure you’ll pick yourself up the second time.

***************************

Since that conversation? Harry is everywhere you look.

Every day there is a new bouquet of flowers delivered to Cassie’s apartment. Every evening there are voice messages on your phone. Every morning you get your favourite coffee delivered, right to your door.

Every miserable attempt to prove himself he could think of.

You’re slowly losing it.

Cassie’s apartment smells like a botanic garden. No that she minds.

And she definitely doesn’t mind free coffee every damn morning.

But you do mind.

You’re mad, because Harry thinks it’ll be enough. At least it looks like it. It looks like he wants answers you’re not ready to give. Answers, you thought would be so easy. And in fact, all you are is confused.

You love this man so much, that you are sure you’re not gonna handle another heartbreak. And what are the guarantees there won’t be another? Your trust in your husband is so shaken, you actually are unable to make a sensible decision.

Two weeks pass like that. Two weeks of complete standstill in your marriage.

An absolute hell for Harry. The uncertainty is killing him and sometimes all he wishes is to give up again.

But he won’t. He trusts his gut, he believes everything will be alright for you two. He’s known for his persistence in business. So why not use his abilities in gaining your trust back? He’s really doing everything he can think of to get you to talk to him.

And it seems to not be enough.

Between meetings and video conferences he tries to figure out a way to convince you he’s willing to change. How to prove these are not just empty words? He has already done things to shorten his hours in the office. He’s very watchful, always making sure to close the laptop at six. Yeah… small steps, okay? At least he’s falling asleep with a book in his lap, not a spreadsheet. He forgot how good reading a book feels like.

Now, sitting at his desk, he notices through glass office door, that he’s brother is approaching. He sighs.

Peter just came back to work after two-weeks-long trip to Seychelles with his wife. He’s tanned, happy and everything Harry despises now that his own marriage is falling apart. He smiles in spite of himself as younger brother enters his office.

„Hey, man.” he grins and Harry stands up to greet him properly. „Good to see you.” they pat their backs in the warm hug. Harry pulls away first and his brother notices the stiff reluctance in him. „So… anything interesting happened while I was gone?” Peter drops onto one of the chairs in front of the mahogany desk.

„No…” Harry sits opposite him, but he won’t meet his eyes. „The usual. Johnson&Hyde is doing good. The stock went up fifteen percent. You were right about this investment.” He chooses what’s safer — work. Though, he shifts his focus to the post-its sticked to the frame of his monitor. Give Frances a rise. Call the HR meeting. Double check the numbers in the Melbourne file. Very interesting. Much more than his brother’s observant gaze.

„Yeah, I already heard. Mother told me.”

„So… How was the holiday? Good?” Harry asks, trying so hard not to think about you, or the way to win you back. His fingers fidget with a pen, begging for a distraction. He missed his brother, he could at least show it, damnit. „Great. The beaches were amazing. The sand was like a soft powder or something, really dreamy out there. Charlotte loved it. We’ll surely go there again one day.”

Harry nods, glad his brother had fun. He was really stressed before Seychelles, so it’s good to see him like this. Well rested and all. „Now that we’re back, Charlotte was thinking about throwing some dinner for family. She mentioned this Saturday. You and your wife got any plans?”

The moment these words leave Peter’s mouth, Harry’s hand stills. Of course. Of course his family-oriented brother would like to have a dinner with him and you. It used to be a norm. Laughing together over some delicious beef tenderloin in Bearneise sauce, or other fancy meal his sister-in-law cooks. And now? What the hell Harry is supposed to say? You and him seemed like a perfect marriage so far. He hates to admit he’s done something wrong. That he failed you.

Though, his pride suffered enough through last two weeks. He can handle some more humiliation. He deserved it.

„We can’t do this week.”

„Oh… Okay, maybe next then.” Peter says, but he leans on closer in his seat, sensing the change in his brother’s behaviour.

„Next week isn’t an option either.” Harry says lowly, his eyes glued to some point above Peter’s shoulder. „Ugh, but why? If you got other plans, it’s okay…”

„She moved out.” Harry cuts him off with his lifeless words.

The whole room stopped still. Younger brother stares at him, hoping he misheard. But having a better look at Harry’s face… He knows it’s true. His wrinkles seem to deepened, his hair is messier than ever. He looks like a kicked puppy.

„What? What do you mean she moved out? What happened?”

Harry tells him the whole story. How he neglected you, how he tried to act like it wasn’t happening, like he wasn’t pulling away. He tells him how he missed this one special dinner and how it pushed you to finally leave him. He tells him everything that happened and with every word he feels lighter. He actually needed to confide in someone and he knows his brother won’t tell a soul. Especially their mother. That would be the end of him. Lynette Castillo loves you. Sometimes he thinks she loves you even more than him. It would break his mom’s heart to find out you left Harry.

„Holy shit.” Pete sinks into his chair after hearing the whole story. „Yeah — holy shit.” Harry mutters defeated. „Now I send her flowers and coffee everyday, hoping she’ll finally try to forgive me. I would go and wait outside Cassie’s building, but I don’t want to be overbearing. She suffered enough because of me.”

„At least you’re giving her space. That’s… That’s good. I guess.”

„Yeah, apart from the fact that her silence slowly kills me.” Harry rests his elbows on the desk and can’t help but hang his head despairingly. „I miss her.” he admits quietly. The words sit between brothers, younger can only listen. He never saw Harry like this, because he rarely shows emotions. Even in childhood Harry was the composed one. And now his propriety sinks beneath desperate longing for his wife. „And I did even before she left. Just chose to ignore it.”

His voice laced with pain that only comes with the knowledge how awful person he actually is. How terrible you must have felt when he was leaving for another conference? How lonely you must have been in your penthouse. Maybe even scared? Long nights in a big apartment on your own. No one to talk to. No one to hear how your writing went that day, or how you got stuck in a choice between killing the main character, or give them a happy ending.

Goddamn, he knew it destroyed you.

He knew how badly you handled solitude, the lack of attention. You told him this just few months into your relationship. Because he made you feel like you could. Like he would carry that knowledge and keep it safe. Keep you safe.

„Hi, baby… Pretty late isn’t it?” one evening Harry rised an eyebrow as you entered his apartment. You took off your scarf and coat, he hung it in a wardrobe. „I’m sorry, I know I said I’ll be earlier, but the party got longer than I expected.” you kissed his cheek, your own flushed because of the cold weather outside.

„Party?” he followed you further into the apartment as you went to wash your hands. „Oh, you know, I got promoted, so few people from my department thought we should celebrate over drinks.” you said as a matter-of-factly, when you dried your hands with a towel. Harry frowned. „You got promoted?” he asked not surprised that you did, but that he didn’t know anything about it.

„Well, yeah… I finally won’t be chasing after Anderson and make him coffee.”

„And when did you found out?” he dwelled on the topic, which you didn’t quite understand. You just went to the couch, your gaze focused on some sitcom he watched on TV before you came. Harry observed you waiting for an answer. „This Wednesday.”

Your boyfriend fell speechless for a moment there. Wednesday? That day was Friday. You’ve had plenty of occasions to tell him the big news. Why haven’t you? And why were you acting like it’s not a big deal at all? He thought you would share something as great as the promotion. He sat next to you quite astonished and just… hurt.

„Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked and only then you looked at him, when you sensed the sharpness in his voice. The confusion was clear. On both sides. „I… I don’t know. It just doesn’t matter that much.” you shrugged and scooted closer on the couch, resting your head on his shoulder. A quiet sigh of relief left your mouth. You were tired and glad to have him by your side. But Harry? Harry tried to deal with a sense of hurt that hit him.

„It doesn’t matter that much?” he repeated and had to lean back, so he could look at you. „Baby, you were talking about that promotion since we met.” he just couldn’t understand why were you dismissing your success like that? You always wanted to build your career by yourself, even if your biggest dream was writing a book. Your asshole of a boss kept pushing your promotion in time and when you finally got it, you didn’t even share the news with your damn boyfriend?

You bit your lip. Of course Harry saw that hesitation. He knew you quite well. „Okay… you’re right. I’m happy about that promotion.” you admitted. „Very happy.”

„Then why on Earth I find out about it just now?” Harry’s gaze softened, his fingers absent-mindlessly caressed your arm. The way his eyes were locked on you, only you, had you melting. He was there, caring and asking questions. You never knew that feeling. „I just didn’t think that you’d mind.”

His hand stilled at your words, did you really believe that? You did. Because that’s what you were taught your all life. „You’re my girlfriend. Of course I mind. Why would you even think otherwise?” he breathed. „Because no one ever did.” you said simply and then continued. „It just didn’t occur to me that you’d care, you’re so busy yourself and it was just a small promotion. I know you have a lot of things on your mind. My parents had, too, when I was growing up. I just… I know not to take up more space than I need to.” you said and it sounded so sure, that Harry wanted to punch something. He didn’t know your parents then yet, but he already knew he won’t like them once he meets them. He sat up, taking your delicate hand into his.

„Listen to me very carefully now.” he said in a voice, that made your skin crawl. „I’m never too busy for you, love. You hear me? I want to know every single detail from your life. Damn it, I even want to know what pair of socks you’re wearing. I’m your partner. I’m intending to become your life partner. You can’t just… Not tell me that you got promoted. I’m so happy for you, for your success. You can’t just keep it to yourself. I would’ve celebrated with you. Go out for that drinks with you and your coworkers.”

You listened to his speech in complete silence and awe. Because you felt the power of his words. You felt deeply that he meant them. And it got to you. He cared. He truly cared.

„I… I’m sorry.” you whispered looking at your joined hands, at the way his thumb brushed your skin. „I guess old habits die hard. My parents… were always occupied by work and my older siblings. I don’t remember any situation, where I rushed into the room to tell about a good grade I got and they actually paid attention. They even missed my graduation.” you smiled sadly. „I… learned to be on my own quite fast. Even if all I ever wanted was them to notice me.”

„Yeah, it makes sense. You’re so independent all the time.” he said with a soft chuckle, but it faded as he added „But… You don’t have to be. Not around me. I really care about you, baby. I want you to feel it, to know you can count on me.”

You looked at him like you’ve just discovered what true love should look like. Harry always made you feel safe, he had this protector element in him. Like no matter what would happen, he’ll listen to you, be there. Just for you.

You leaned in to kiss him. His hand slid up to your back to pull you closer. „I’m so proud of you.” he whispered between soft brushes of your lips. He may be broken himself, but he has never let you feel like there was something wrong with you.

Because to him you were perfect.

Now, he can’t stop thinking about that night. You were always the neglected child. And he was the one, who made you feel important. He healed that part in you. Only to destroy it himself few years later. You showed him this vulnerability and he closed his fist around it. How could he let that happen? He feels like a monster.

He thinks about it after Peter leaves to do his work. He thinks about it during another boring meeting.

The meeting is important though. The company is about to take over a big media conglomerate. Harry needs to be focused, because they’re preparing for the negotiations of the terms. He sits at the head of the table, listening to his workers going through points of the meeting. He’d rather be out there, trying to find a way to win you back. But he can’t. Despite his best intentions, this thing needs his attention too. That is why he also gave his phone to Frances, his assistant. He always does it, when there’s an important meeting. He can’t afford to be distracted.

He really tries his best to listen to Jacob, one of the lawyers taking care of that deal. But his monotonous voice doesn’t help his wandering mind. „Our legal team flagged some concerns regarding existing distribution agreements...”

His words get cut off by the door opening, everyone’s attention drawing to Frances. Harry knits his brows. She knows not to interrupt meetings like this. „Can I help you, Frances?” he asks confused. „Um… boss, you have a phone call.” she says and it’s even more unusual. She is also well aware not to bother him with phone calls when he’s on a meeting. „Well, whoever this is, they need to wait until we’re done here.”

„Sir, I think you want to answer that call.” she says and only now he senses a slight tremble in her voice. The urgency in the way she grips the door handle. He sits up concerned. „It’s from the hospital, it’s about your wife.”

The moment he hears that, the whole world seems to stop in motion. Wife. Hospital. You.

He’s up in seconds, following Frances to her desk not even bothering to excuse himself to his employees. The meeting can go to hell. „I have them on the line.” she hands him the phone.

„Hello?” he says rough and some female voice answers him. „Hello, I’m nurse Amy, I’m calling from New York-Presbyterian. Are you Harry Castillo?”

„Yes. I am.” he answers immediately. He sounds unnaturally stoic, though inside, everything screams at him to implode from fear. „Your wife was transported to us after getting hit by a car.” she says and he feels like he’s about to collapse. Hit by a car? You? His sweetest, strongest, most infuriating wife? Just few hours ago you were ignoring his messages, still mad at him for what he’s done. Now you’re lying in some hospital bed? Alone and afraid? Maybe even fighting for your life… „What do you mean? What do you…? Is she okay?”

„We can’t tell for sure yet, they’re running tests. But she’s stable for now. If you, please, could come and fill in the documents?”

„Of… of course. I’ll be right there.”

Nothing in the world is more important than you. Not the meeting, not the awful traffic jam, or that he is so terribly scared for you. Stable. What the fuck does it even mean? Dying stable? Or just a scratch on a forehead stable? He drives as fast as he can. His mind flooded with the images of you in blood, lying on some street, unconscious… Jesus Christ. „Come on!” he roars in his car as he tries to get through busy Manhattan streets.

Once he’s finally there, panicked and desperate to see you, he has to go through an incompetent receptionist, busy elevator and a maddeningly long corridor. He tries so hard to keep his composure, but it gets harder with every minute of not seeing you. He left his blazer in a car, rolled his sleeves up to his forearms, because he felt so hot from nerves. Where the hell are you?

He ends up in a waiting room, some nurse told him to sit here and that your doctor will see him when he has time. He doesn’t sit. He simply just can’t. Instead he paces, as always when his head projects the worst case scenarios. The scent of sanitizer, so typical for the hospitals, doesn’t help his rushing anxiety. God, how he hates hospitals. He remembers how at eleven he had to say goodbye to his grandfather, who was dying from cancer. Harry’s so afraid now it’s your turn to leave him. For good.

Finally the door open and a man in a white overall walks in, his eyes scanning the room until they stop on Harry. „Mr. Castillo?”

„Yes, it’s me.” Harry approaches him. „Any news on my wife? Is she okay?”

„Hi, I’m doctor Williams, I’m treating your wife. We’ve ran the necessary tests. X-rays showed a shin bone fracture and a few fractured ribs on the left side. Fortunately, there’s no serious brain damage, just a concussion.” he explains. „Your wife is very confused now, we gave her morphine for pain. She’ll need a lot of rest, but everything looks quite well. She was lucky.” with every word Harry feels a weight from his chest lift. You’ll live. They have it under control. „So… She’s fine, yes? She’ll be alright?”

„Everythng looks like it.” doctor Williams says. „She’s resting now, but you can go see her. She’s been asking for you.”

You were? Harry’s expression softens in slight shock. Despite everything he has put you through, he still was the one you wanted to see. Once again the hope bloomed in his heart.

He followed the doctor and saw you through the window of your hospital room. Lying there peacefully after the horrible accident you had. There are few scratches on your face, your leg already in a cast. But despite the awful, heartbreaking view before him… Harry feels such a relief. You’re here. Breathing. Alive.

He enters the room and the moment your eyes land on him you grin. „Harry!” you say excited and a bit slurred. Yeah, you’re surely not yourself right now. Because you wouldn’t be beaming seeing him. But for a second he lets himself believe that it’s you speaking, not the morphine. He approaches the bed, reaching his hand to gently caress your cheek. „Hey, baby.”

You’re not sure how the hell you got hit by a car. It was a normal day. You went out to get your heels from the cobbler. On the way, trying so hard not to think about Harry, or the way his persistence melted your heart more and more. You remember two things about you crossing the street. One — you looked both sides before stepping on it and there was no car. Two — you were in your head, contemplating whether you’re really angry at Harry, or you’re just ignoring him on purpose, because you’re stubborn. And before you could come up with an answer, a blue Mercedes grew out of nowhere before you. All you recall is a sharp pain in your leg and the gasps of the bystanders. You still haven’t come to a conclusion about your husband, especially now that they drugged you.

But at least you feel great after that morphine. You don’t even realize you just greeted Harry with the biggest smile on your face.

It’ll be so fun after it wanders off.

***************************

And it is.

„What are you doing here?” you say with aversion. You just woke up after God knows how long. Your head is pounding, your whole body sore. And now your eyes landed on Harry, who looks like he hasn’t slept all night. His shirt, usually crisp and ironed, now all wrinkled. His tie set on the bedside table, instead of being tied around his neck. „Where am I?” you try to sit up too quickly. Harry’s up in seconds, helping you settle comfortably.

„In a hospital. You were hit by a car. You don’t remember anything, darling?” he asks, pulling some strands of your hair behind your ear. Normally, you would be mad about it, but you’re too confused to care. „I do… I remember walking across the street and… and then I was on the ground… And…” you stop talking, because of the sharp, constant pain in your chest.

„Hey, it’s okay…” your husband grabs a bottle of water and opens it for you to drink. He takes a sit on his chair again. „You have fractured ribs, you shouldn’t be talking too much.”

You have a few small sips, you shake your head when you’re done and he takes it from you. Harry can’t help, but look at you all the time. Cautious. Like he is bracing for something bad happening to you again. He still can’t bounce back after these horrible hours. He’s been here since you got to the hospital. Hasn’t left your side for more than five minutes. Now it’s the next day, around 4 PM. You’ve been sleeping almost all the time after the meds. But he just sat there and watched you like some guard dog. Even during the night. He wouldn’t be able to be here in the night, if he hasn’t palmed the nurse on duty. But he couldn’t leave you. Not when you are so vulnerable right now.

„Do you need anything? More morphine? Should I call the nurse?” he’s ready to stand up again, willing to do absolutely anything to help you. You just shake your head, feeling too weak to speak. „The doctor says that they’ll keep you here for a few days. Then I’m taking you home.”

You nod, because your brain isn’t capable of processing that information right away.

It gets to you after few more seconds.

„What? You mean to…?”

„Our penthouse, baby. I’m taking you home.” he says calmly. You shake your head again, because no. Just no. You manage to speak through the haze of pain. „I live at Cassie’s now. We’re not back together… Don’t think that my accident changes anything.”

„I don’t. But you must be crazy, if you think I’ll let you recover in a building, that doesn’t even have a working elevator.” he says in a voice that doesn’t leave room for refusal. „How do you know the elevator isn’t working, huh?” you mutter frustrated. You don’t feel ready to live with him. Not after everything. „Cassie came by, while you were asleep. She agreed that you need better conditions, especially that you’ll be walking on crutches.”

You can’t believe it. Fucking elevator. They couldn’t fix in a whole damn month. And now, because of it you are sentenced to come back to the place, where all your misery grew. You’re not gonna lie, you miss your home. But you don’t miss the loneliness and feeling of abandonment. And this is what you believe will greet you there, if you come back. You just stare at Harry and he can see the reluctance in you.

„Listen, I know it may be uncomfortable for you. I get it. But despite everything that happened between us, you’re still my wife and I’m gonna take care of you.”

You look away at the window a bit too fast. You still feel dizzy with almost every movement. You wonder how are you supposed to live with Harry again. Why does he always have to be so responsible? Well, it’s one of the qualities you always admired in him. Also one of the reasons you fell for him in the first place.

But now?

Now it pisses you off.

Because you don’t feel ready. You’re scared you’ll spend more time with him, get involved and then hurt once again. You want to fix your marriage, but you don’t trust him. How can you rebuild something, when there’s no trust? You sigh. „Fine. But… Could you leave now? I want to be alone.” you glance at him and see his hesitation. He looks really worried and it makes your heart break for him a little. „Please.” you breathe, trying to ignore the ache in your ribs.

Harry knows he should do as you ask. Hell, he’d do anything you like. But… leave you? Now? When you’re still in pain and he almost lost you? „Darling…”

„Go. Go home… have a shower… or sleep…” you sound quieter and quieter, because it hurts to speak. He sees you’re struggling and he doesn’t want to add to your pain. „Okay.” he whispers and takes a glance at his watch, you notice his jaw clenching slightly. „I have somewhere to be anyway.”

He stands up stiffly. The way his eyes linger on you tells you, he’s fighting with everything he has not to lean on and kiss you. And you actually wish he does that.

He doesn’t.

Harry settles for squeezing your hand gently. You watch him leave, stuck in a hospital bed and in your confused head. „See you later…” he stops by the door. His fingers tapping the surface like he’s considering to add something. Then… with one more hopeful look, he says. „I love you.”

At the exact moment the door close after him, a single tear rolls down your cheek.

You’re not sure what hurts you more. Your ribs, head, or maybe it’s your heart that still belongs to that man?

***************************

next chapter

Ending chapter notes: Well I feel like we’re getting to some forced proximity between the two of them. I’m curious how living together will end up for them. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Again, thank you for all the comments and nice words. I’m so happy you guys like the story so much🩷

Harry missed the 2:30 call with Tanaka.

He missed the remaining few hours of work after that lunch.

And the next two days, too.

Divorce.

I’ll file for a divorce.

He can’t believe the love of his life said that. He can’t believe he might lose you for good. He thought it was temporary — the way he pulled away, or how neglected you felt. He thought it was fixable. An easy way back.

Divorce.

Divorced.

Him and you. Divorced.

He laughs tearfully in the empty penthouse. He was your husband for only two years and you already want a divorce. That tells a lot about him, huh? There are no words to describe how much he regrets everything he did.

But if he has to be honest? He always felt like it would end up like this. He’s not a good husband material as it shows and now he has a proof. You always deserved better, but he just wanted to believe otherwise. He hoped maybe this one time in his life he could have something good. But he had to fuck this up, too.

His agonizing thoughts are interrupted by the elevator door sliding open. He looks up so quickly, hoping that it’s you. He walks over to the hallway and sighs.

„Hey, there, asshole.” Cassandra says as she steps out the elevator. „I just came to grab some of her stuff.”

Harry freezes. Some of her stuff? Your stuff? He watches Cassie pass him, going further into the penthouse. „What? What do you mean?” he follows her, until she stops to look at him. Her eyes narrow, clearly she’s on your side of the conflict. „Her things. She didn’t pack enough the first time and now that her visit at mine is going to extend… She needs more.”

„Cassie, you can’t be serious.” he shakes his head. „Don’t get involved in this. It’s our marriage.”

He’s pissed. You know he’s a bastard, that’s enough for him. He doesn’t need your friend to come here and tell him how much he screwed up. His hatred for himself is big enough. Actually, he thinks it can’t get much bigger.

„Your marriage, yeah? Well, I’m glad you finally remember about it. Just a little too late.” she says. „Now, can I, please, go to your closet and pack her things?”

Harry just looks at her. He’s tired, he hasn’t slept much since that lunch. Defeated, he nods. The second he does it, he sees Cassandra going down the hall to the master bedroom. She’s been to your place many times. At parties, dinners, or to just keep you company when Harry was working. She knows this penthouse like her own.

After a moment he heads to the closet. Cassie already grabbing some of your favourite t-shirts and pants, putting them in a bag. He watches her, leaning against the doorframe. Despite his previous anger, he’s… grateful that she came by. Even if it’s definitely not for him. He’s just thankful for someone’s presence in this dead penthouse. He was slowly getting crazy here.

And also… that’s an opportunity to find out few things. He hesitates, not sure if he even deserves any information about you. „Is she… is she okay?” he asks finally.

Cassie doesn’t seem to even register his question. She opens the drawer with your underwear. But instead of a simple piece, she picks a red lingerie set. She smirks, rising it, so Harry could notice what she has in her hands. „Think, I’m gonna take that. It can be useful when I’ll drag your wife to a club. Maybe she’ll get lucky.” Cassie’s smirk only widens when she sees Harry clenching his jaw. So she did register his question and that was her answer to it. „Okay, okay, I got that.” he sighs. The mere thought of you with another man makes his blood boil. Though, he is sure you wouldn’t do something like that. At least not until you’re married. „I deserved it.”

„You bet you did. But I’m taking it anyway. Just in case.” she smiles and puts the set in the bag. „Cassandra, please. Just… Just tell me how she is doing. I’m not gonna try to talk you into convincing her to come back, or anything.”

She huffs shaking her head and he doesn’t understand. „You know that’s the part I don’t get.”

„What are you talking about?”

„You’re not even fighting.” she throws another pair of socks to the bag. „I drove here thinking you’ll be following me, begging me to talk to her. Or at least trying to stop me from packing more of her stuff. And here I am and nothing of that happens! What the fuck is wrong with you?” she looks at him, because that’s not what she expected. This is not the Harry she remembers. The one madly in love with you, the one who didn’t see the world except you.

„She left, Cassandra. She wanted to. She doesn’t feel happy with me, what am I supposed to do?” he answers frustrated. „Are you for real? Gosh, Harry, you make it so hard not to punch you right now.” she says trying to be calm, but he’s testing her patience. „She told you what she wanted. She made it very clear. And it’s not her fault, it’s the only thing you are so scared to give her!”

Harry grits his teeth. How can he fight with that? Cassandra is right and his silence only gives a confirmation of her words. „You gave up.” she breathes quite shocked. His eyes snap to her. „I didn’t give up, I just…”

„You just what? Sit here and drown your mistakes in whiskey? Oh, yes, I saw the bottle in the living room.” your friend says, completely mad at him. „She left that restaurant and you didn’t follow. She said once about this damn divorce and you just took it without arguing. And now you sit here like some pathetic loser and ask me how is she doing? How do you think she’s doing, Harry?”

Cassie grabs the bag and passes him, done with this conversation. Harry feels like he got caught. Because he did exactly what your friend described. He just accepted his fate. He thought that he didn’t deserve fighting for you. That you were better off. He chose to beat himself up for your marriage. And also… Fighting for you would mean opening up to you. He’s not proud of it, but he really chose the safer option. God, he’s such an idiot.

„Cassie, wait.” he follows after the woman. With a sigh, she turns to him. „What do I do?” he asks desperate.

„I don know, man… Before she moved out, I was telling her that you’ll wake up, that your workaholic phase was just temporary. I really believed that, because I like you. I really do. And now that you let her down, you let me down, too.” he listens to her, feeling more guilty and lost with every word. They head together towards the elevator. Much calmer now. Much more aware of the impossible situation Harry and you are in. „Get your shit together, Harry. I mean it.” Cassandra says as she waits for the elevator to arrive. When it does, he looks at her with remorse and also… gratefulness. „Thank you for taking care of her.” he whispers. „Anytime.”

Cassandra left and that means Harry once again is alone with his own thoughts. He feels a weird deja vu. A not whole week ago it was you who were packing and leaving. He recalls that fight in his head. You were practically yelling in his face that you feel lonely. And what he did? He yelled back.

And at the lunch? You clearly asked him to open up. To change the way things are. You just wanted to be his priority, wanted your name on the top of his list again. Just how it used to be. And what did Harry do? He watched you leave.

Everything, but admitting he is wrong.

***************************

When you put Harry before a choice at Claire’s, you thought his answer would be immediate. That without second guessing he will choose you and opening up to you.

You couldn’t have been more mistaken.

When he didn’t follow you out of the restaurant, when he didn’t call, or came in the middle of the night, banging to Cassie’s door… Another piece of hope died inside of you.

Because you know Harry. You know sharing details about himself and his feelings was always difficult to him. You know he’s a runner, you knew it early in your relationship. And despite it you stayed. You stayed, because you saw how hard he was trying to be good to you.

You remember like it was yesterday, only few months into your relationship. You both were insufferable, fighting then making up. Whispering tender words, then giving yourselves silent treatment, because of something irrelevant one of you said.

But that day… That day was perfect.

You spent the Friday night having fun at your mutual friend’s birthday party. You had drinks, you even convinced Harry to dance with you to your favourite song. You felt good about yourself, because of how he was eyeing you all evening. Protective and… in awe. He admired every move you made in that lacy little dress. And it wasn’t just because you looked hot in it. Harry admired the way you laughed or smiled at him. Your skin glistened beautifully in the dim candle light and you could feel the weight of his gaze on you. For the first time it felt heavier. Loaded with something unspoken. And you looked at him just the same.

After you came back to his place you made love. It was the first time it felt more than just sex. There was no hurry, no teasing. Just pure, deep… feeling. You both didn’t say much, there was no need to. But what you did, was having your eyes locked on each other. He caught every little change in your expression as he filled you to the hilt. His mouth swallowed every soft gasp, or any delicious moan. Your bodies moved in sync you never knew before. It was the best release you ever experienced in your life. And it wasn’t because of some flashy dirty talk, or filthy foreplay. It was because of the one word that both of you were afraid to address. Love.

And in the morning? You lied together, tangled up in sheets, laughing at some stupid joke he came up with. The sunlight got through the windows, catching your hair in the most perfect shade Harry ever saw. The morning felt slow, though you had to leave soon, because of some stupid emergency meeting at the publishing house you worked for. Some writer got accused of plagiary. Of course.

So you ate breakfast, Harry burnt the toasts a bit, but you just smiled. You had too good of a morning to be thinking about burnt toasts. And when your time to leave came, both of you hesitated. You grabbed your purse by the door. Turned only to find him already standing there. „I’m gonna miss you today.” you said quietly, that shy smile of yours ghosted on your lips. He took a step closer. „Yeah?” since the party you saw something vulnerable in his eyes. You had a feeling what it might be, but you didn’t wanna scare him off. „I’m gonna miss you, too.” he kissed your forehead. „See you tomorrow.”

As you rode down to the lobby, you could hear your heart hammering in your chest. Relationship with Harry got more serious with every day and you were terrified. Terrified that maybe he wasn’t ready for a commitment like this. Everything felt perfect, but you saw the way he was holding back. But also there were times, when you saw how he tentatively tried to step out of his comfort zone just for you. And this was giving you hope. Maybe you were delusional.

The moment you walked out to the lobby, you nodded at the doorman with a smile. You were just about to leave the building, but the familiar voice stopped you. „Darling, wait!”

You turned to see Harry running up to you. Was he… had he ran down the stairs from his floor? The elevator wouldn’t arrive the second time so quickly. „Harry, something happened? I forgot something?” you asked. „Yes. No… I mean…” he looked at you the same way he did on a party, or like when you were in bed, or when you said goodbye. Your heartbeat speeded up, your eyes sparkled with hope and this feeling… On the other hand, he seemed so unsure, so afraid. But also determined. „I…” Harry took a breath and you awaited. You felt he had something big to say, so you rested your hand on his arm, squeezing it lightly. He instantly relaxed and his mind sharpened just enough to say what he meant to. „I love you.” he confessed like it’s suddenly the most obvious thing he could say, like it wasn’t the first time he said it to any woman. „God, I’m so in love with you. I couldn’t let you go without you knowing that first.” he cupped your cheek with his big hand and you could notice the faint tears in his eyes. You were stunned. You felt almost drunk on his words, on his warm voice and the melted expression on his face. Completely lost in you. Utterly terrified of how strong his feelings are. Wondering if you even are on the same page.

„Baby, I… I love you, too.” you only whispered, because you didn’t trust your voice at this moment. „I love you, too.” you laughed out loud and wrapped your arms around his neck, needing to feel him as close as you could. Your lips met his. The sudden lightness and joy in your soul were irreplaceable. His response was immediate, arms around your waist and lifting you up in the best hug you ever had. This confession must have meant so much to Harry, you were sure. That’s why it felt so important to hear from his lips. He really was willing to try for you. You kept laughing and with the corner of your eye, you could see the doorman grinning. You made quite a scene, but at this moment neither of you cared. A feeling like this couldn’t be stopped by few gawks in the lobby.

Right now, as you recall that day, you feel nothing else, but longing.

Because it proves that your husband is capable of loving you desperately. And for some idiotic reason, he doesn’t want to fight for you.

No, longing isn’t the correct word for what you’re feeling.

You’re outraged.

There are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In grieving your marriage you’re in a stage two. Before moving out, you were caught in the longest denial state a mankind saw. You’re so mad at yourself as you think how stupid you were then — He’ll come back earlier tonight. He’ll take me out to this new restaurant on Park Avenue. We’ll try for a baby. He felt so sorry after missing our date…

You feel nauseous as these sentences flood your mind. How the hell could you be so damn naive? It should be punishable.

„We are going out tonight.” Cassie announces as she barges into the apartment with the bag full of your clothes and other stuff. „Excuse me?” you glance up at her from your laptop. You’re definitely not in the mood for that. „You heard me. You need to have some fun. Since you came to me, you’ve been doing nothing, but contemplating about your shitty husband. It’s time to forget about him.”

You stare at your friend for a longer second. She already sees you’re sceptic. „Come on…” she drops the bag by the wall and sinks onto the couch next to you. „Cass, I don’t feel like forgetting about him. It’s too early, don’t you think? And besides… what did he say? Was he even home?” you ask despite yourself, because first of all — you want to cut the topic of going out. And second — you are curious. Too curious. Damn Harry and your poor heart.

„He… was.” she sighs. „He asked me how you’re doing.”

„And? What did you say?” you sit there completely on edge, you hate yourself for caring that much, but you just can’t stop. „I… sort of took your lingerie and said maybe you’ll use it later.” she winces and your face freezes in a stone-like look. „You did that?”

„Yes… I’m sorry! But, god, you should’ve seen his face. He looked like he was about to implode.” Cassie laughs and… to your surprise… you don’t feel mad at all. Instead… a weird kind of satisfaction settles on your chest. Harry always seemed stoic and unproblematic. But you knew he had tendencies to be jealous. Suddenly, the idea of going out doesn’t seem so bad anymore. You were so angry lately. Why not get this off your mind?

„So where do we go tonight?”

***************************

The girls night out felt like a good idea. Some hurt part of you derives pleasure in fact, that Harry felt jealous after Cassie’s implication. Even if he has no way to find out about your evening plans. Just same knowledge that he would be pissed makes you smile widely. And, of course, you’ll have a chance to spend some nice time with your friend. Cassie was right, you couldn’t hide in her apartment forever.

So now, dressed up in a sparkly, long-sleeved, sexy dress, you enter one of the hottest clubs in Manhattan. Cassandra, hanging onto your arm, also looks like she is ready to rock this place.

The loud music hits your ears. The atmosphere in the club is full of joy and some electric force, brining everyone to the dance floor. Your hips sway automatically, God you missed dancing.

You head with Cassie to the bar at the side. It’s long, a bit curved and you can see substantial collection of alcohol behind the talented bartenders.

„Two Mango Margaritas.” Cassandra grins at the bartender after you finally pushed through to the counter. You sit at the free stools and soon you get your drinks. „So? Isn’t it fun?” your friend asks. „Jesus, let me at least drink that one.” you chuckle, taking a sip and you scrunch up your nose a bit. You’re not a big mango fan. At least tequila makes it better.

Soon, after getting a bit tipsy, both of you end up on the dance floor. Cassie dragged you here after hearing some Let’s Get Loud remix. And actually… you start to enjoy yourself. Your hips remember the moves from college, swaying to the rhythm. You laugh when your friend almost trips and falls into some handsome guy’s arms. The rest of the song she spends with him. Fortunately, you don’t mind dancing on your own. At least not now. Now, you feel free. No worries, no duties, or a workaholic husband. It’s just you and the music drumming in your ears.

After few songs you got tired. Hair stick to your forehead, smile is glued to your face. You need some water. Clumsily you make your way back to the bar.

As you wait for your order, your eyes search through the crowd to find Cassie. You’re still too short on the stool, so you prop your hand on the counter, hoping it’ll be enough to see a bit more. You’re so busy with looking for her, that you don’t feel your hand sliding further on the surface of the bar. Seconds later you push someone else’s glass, spilling the drink. You gasp, finally fixing your attention on the situation. „Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” you turn on the stool to grab some napkins and rapidly clean the mess you made. „It’s okay, It wasn’t good anyway.” you hear a male voice. Smooth and gentle. A bit amused. You look up at the face of the stranger whose drink you spilled. Well… he is handsome. Light brown hair and nice freckles. About your age. You’re so captivated you forget you’re staring until he chuckles. „Oh, uh.. I’m sorry anyway. I was looking for my friend, I didn’t notice…” once again you glance toward the crowd to search for Cassie, because you get worried despite the hot guy next to you. Finally you catch a glimpse of blonde hair. You sigh quietly with relief. She’s still dancing with the man from earlier. „Did you find her at least?” your companion asks and your attention is drawn back to him. „Uh… yes. Yes, I did. She’s dancing.” you smile, but then it fades when you realize he has empty glass, because of you. „Can I buy you a drink as an apology?”

„I don’t need an apology, but… I’ll help ease your guilt.” he smiles back. „I’m Seth.” he reaches out his hand. You shake it, giving him your name. You order him a new drink and you finally get your water, which you drink in few big gulps. Very nonchalant. „So, tell me, you’re here on some special occasion, or…?” he looks at you curious. You like the way his eyes linger. You see he likes you, but he’s being respectful at the same time. It’s… refreshing. „No, just a girls night out.” you answer.

You talk for a while. You find out he’s an executive in some store with luxurious musical instruments, also that he has a basset hound named Fredo, or that you both share love for Paddington movies. Talking to him feels good, it’s been a while since you had that comfortable conversation with a man. Despite the place being loud, you just don’t seem to care. You only feel him leaning on closer to your ear, so you could hear him better. His warm voice makes goosebumps form on your skin. You’re so caught up in the conversation with the newly met man, that you almost stopped thinking about Harry.

And just when you thought this night is going perfect… Seth asked the question that ruined it for you.

„Humor me, what a fool lets a beautiful woman like you go to the club alone?” he nods at your hand, exactly at the wedding band on your finger. Your grip on your glass tightens as you look away at the dancing crowd. You chuckle nervously. „That’s a good question…” you sigh. „But you’re right, he is a fool. I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

„It’s okay. Sorry for being so straightforward.” unconsciously he rests his hand on your arm. You glance there, a short intake of your breath is the only reaction you’re capable of right now. He’s being so nice to you, but… „I guess it’s complicated.” Seth continues. „Yeah, you could say so.” you answer thoughtful. The loud music in the background can’t jam your hammering heart. And it’s not hammering because of Seth. But because of the man, who hurt you so many times lately, that you lost your count on it. How the hell he has that big power over you? Why do you have to think about him even now? You were doing so good all night. But of course, Harry had to pop up in your head and now you won’t escape him.

„He’s not worth of this sad face you have right now.” he says. You look at him, at his kind eyes. It’s a really nice feeling, he’s not pushing. Instead he stands up from his stool. For a second you’re thinking he’s going to leave you, but he reaches out his hand. „Dance with me.”

Together you end up with Cassie and the guy she met an hour ago. You dance in Seth’s arms, he’s pretty good at it and he guides your moves just perfect. Still respectful. And you try, you really try to have a good time. But your mind keeps drifting away to Harry.

Going out to a club was supposed to be your own small revenge on him. But it ended up turning against you.

How could you think, that you’ll be able to get over the fact he didn’t choose you in few days? It’s impossible. You start to believe, that forgetting about Harry is impossible at all. He’s like a cruel poison running in your veins. And you wish you could be mad at him, but you just can’t. Harry gave you something no one ever has. Something no one ever could. And now your mind keeps drifting to this terrifying thought, that you’ll end up as an old, lonely lady with five cats. Because you don’t believe there’s a good ending for you, if there’s no Harry in it.

You fake your smile until Cassie states that she’s exhausted and it’s time to head home. The relief, which floods your whole body, is undescribable. Seth and the other guy… you guess his name was Marcus, walk you out the club to your cab.

You turn to say goodbye, but then you’re surprised — Seth hands you his business card. „Call me.” he says and you swallow a lump in your throat. Your eyes escape to Cassie for a second and she only nods excitedly. Of course she is. But you… You are sure this is not the place where your heart lays right now. „Seth, you’ve been a really good company tonight, but…” you give him back the card. „I have a husband. And I love him.”

„I thought you had problems.” he says, rising an eyebrow in light insistence. „Because we have. But that doesn’t mean I want to see other men. I’m not the one for you.”

„Shame.” he cracks a small smile. „Well… I get it. Just tell him he’s a lucky bastard.” Seth leans on to leave a soft kiss to your cheek, you hold your breath until he steps back. „Bye.”

After him and Marcus walk away, Cassandra swats your arm. You gasp in surprise and irritation. „The hell?”

„Why didn’t you take that card?” she asks. „He was so nice!”

„I’m married. I’m not gonna get involved with other men, when Harry and I go through a crisis.” you answer and she just rolls her eyes as you get in the cab. „A crisis? Girl, you threatened him with divorce.”

„Cassie, please.” you groan. „I’m really trying here. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with Harry yet. But I know I’m not ready to flirt with other man. Could you respect that?” you feel a new wave of emotions you’ve been trying so hard to kill. The alcohol mixed with conflicted feelings is never a good sign. Your friend must notice that. She just shuts up and wraps an arm around you as you drive home.

„Gosh, I really hope this Marcus call later.” Cassandra sighs dreamy as you enter her apartment building thirty minutes later. She’s saying that now, because she’s drunk. But you know for a fact, that she’ll change her mind in the morning. That’s how her love life looks. You’re not sure, if she’ll ever learn.

As you’re about to get into elevator, a huge piece of paper taped to it reminds you it’s out of order. Both of you groan. Your legs hurt because of a long night in heels, you feel tipsy and heartbroken. And now you have to climb the stairs to sixth floor? Life really has fun playing with you. „Remind me to kill this janitor for not repairing this piece of junk.” Cassie swears under her breath. The elevator is not working for almost two weeks.

You climb the stairs leaning against each other, the only thing that keeps you going is a thought of a warm, comfy couch waiting in the apartment. You miss your bed. You miss it so much you might actually cry.

You miss your husband in your bed.

God, you really want to punch yourself. No more thinking about Harry — you promise to yourself.

But who are you lying to?

***************************

next chapter

Ending chapter notes: I promise, reader and Harry are getting there. And also this chapter is named after Robert Tepper’s song „No Easy Way Out” and I think it really suits this story. I listen to it all the time while writing. Thank you for reading and for all the comments, I really love reading all of them🩷

The moment you called, Harry’s heart filled with hope. He was already asleep, it was three in the damn morning. But when his phone rang and he saw it was you… Nothing else mattered. For a second he was afraid that something bad happened, since you were avoiding him, why would you call in the middle of the night?

And then you said you missed him.

You offered to meet for a lunch.

This short conversation got him so excited, so nervous. He’s aware he fucked up and he wants to fix the damage. And this lunch at Claire’s seems like a chance.

He called off the meeting he had scheduled, just so he could be on time. He can’t fail this time. He won’t.

In the morning he got up extra early. Took a shower, trimmed his facial hair just enough. Harry needed everything to be perfect.

So it’s no wonder he got stuck on choosing the right clothes. He stands still in front of the closet. Stares at all of his blazers, shirts and ties. Harry has a good sense of style. But this morning it seems to be gone. „Come on…” he mutters struggling to choose between navy blue and crisp white shirt. Which one would you like more? Which one says „I’m sorry for being a shitty husband. Please, come home, I can’t sleep without you.”? He sighs.

That’s what he means, when he thinks love makes him look like a fool. He feels silly for having a breakdown over shirts. And it’s all just because he really wants you back. He’s desperate and he hates it. He hates feeling so lost.

„Get a grip. It’s not that hard.” Harry says to himself, having a seat on an ottoman. He takes a slow breath in and out. He looks around the closet, there’s so many clothes here. Yours too. All kinds of dresses, from evening gowns, to light cocktail ones. You looked gorgeous in all of them. You, you are gorgeous. And he was stupid enough to forget about that.

After long struggles, he finally picked the right outfit. Navy, cashmere sweater, dark pants and a watch. The one you gifted him on your first wedding anniversary. Custom made just for him. With the date of your wedding day inscribed on the back. It’s still the best piece of clothing he owns.

Everything that happens before noon escapes his attention. He has some meetings and stuff in the office, but all he thinks about is a lunch on 1 P.M. Even his assistant notices something is off and that it’s better not to get into his way today.

„Frances, I’m leaving for lunch.” he says stepping out of his office. The woman looks up at him. „Will you come back? You have a phone call with Tanaka scheduled for 2:30.” That makes him stop in his tracks. Shit, he forgot about that one. „Can you reschedule?”

„Not really, you know how busy he is with opening a new branch in Melbourne.”

„Okay, I… I’ll do my best. I will be on the phone.” Harry sighs, it’s not how it’s supposed to be, but he can’t leave Tanaka hanging. It’s the biggest partner to his parents’ company. „But now I gotta go.”

All nervous and hopeful he gets to the restaurant, which is only few blocks away from his office. It’s lunch time, so it’s kinda busy here. But Claire’s has something, that even with the biggest crowd makes it seem peaceful. That’s why both you and your husband love it so much. He takes a seat on your usual spot, putting on the table flowers he bought on the way. White lilies and daisies. Sign of remorse and new beginnings. That’s what he read. He exhales hesitantly.

You’re not here yet.

What if you changed your mind? What if it was some cruel joke to make him wait and regret his behavior even more? No… You are not like that. You never were. And it makes him feel even worse that he even thought like this. He taps his fingers on the table surface.

„Hello, I’ll be your waitress today. Are you ready to order?” a young girl approaches with a small tablet. „Oh, uh… I’m actually waiting for my wife.”

„Of course, I’ll come later then. But maybe, while you’re waiting, may I offer something to drink?”

„Um, yeah that sounds good. Two green teas, please.” he says and the girl nods walking away. You love the green tea they’re serving here. Actually, you love everything about this place. Floors and furniture covered in highest quality wood, the warm lighting that makes it feel more like home, than a restaurant. And that is why he loves this place too — it reminds him of you.

Why does it take so long?

He glances at his watch. Well, he came here before the right time, but you always liked to be earlier. Maybe you really changed your mind? Or something else happened? He looks around the restaurant while the familiar feeling settles in his chest. A fool, he thinks. Such a fool.

Harry remembers the drawings he made for his mom, but she was too busy to even look at them, building the empire he works for now. He remembers flowers he picked on the playground for a stranger girl and that she left them on the bench. He recalls the cruel times of high school, when both him and his brother were bullied for their height. They were the shortest students in their class. He remembers the day he asked his classmate, Laura, to the prom and she rejected him in front of the whole school. Their laughs still echo in his head.

A fool.

Love makes him one.

The only moment when he didn’t feel like it, was when he met you. You never made him feel stupid for caring. But now he’s getting afraid…

He glances at the watch again. When he looks up, he catches the exact moment you enter the restaurant.

You’re breathtaking.

Classy, black dress in white polka dots, soft diamond earrings. He bought them for you in Paris, he recalls. But the clothes are not why his heart seems to skip a beat. It’s that smile of yours, when you hold the door for a woman with a stroller. He admires every second of it, because he knows that when you’ll look at him, this smile will fade away.

And that’s exactly what happens few moments later. You catch his gaze and he can observe the change in your expression. You approach the table trying not to look hesitant. Harry immediately stands up.

„Hey.” you say. „Hi.” he says at the same time. You chuckle nervously.

He wants to kiss you, to hold you for just a minute. But he’s not sure if you’ll let him. So he settles for handing you the flowers. „These are for you.”

You feel a lump form in your throat. You keep looking at the lilies, because you’re not sure if you can handle the hopefulness in his eyes. The moment you stepped into Claire’s you knew it’ll be so hard. Trying to be firm about what you need and not just accept anything he’s willing to give.

„Thank you, they’re beautiful.” Harry pulls out a chair for you and as you sit opposite each other, the weird tension from the phone call appears again. The silence stretches until it’s interrupted by the waitress bringing the tea he ordered. Two cups. For you and him. You nod, thankful for a distraction. Your hands wrap around warm glass.

„So, can I take your orders?”

„Um, yeah. Two bagels.” Harry glances at you with hesitation. „With salmon?” he asks. „No, I… I don’t feel like salmon. A bagel with Brie and fig spread for me, please.”

After the waitress walks away with your orders, the silence is welcomed again. You both feel like you want to say so much, but don’t know how to begin. So you just take a sip of your green tea, looking around the restaurant. It’s been a while since you were here with Harry. Your grip on the cup tightens. He notices that.

„You look pretty. New dress?” he tries to start some conversation. „No, I bought it like two months ago.” you answer and again he can feel like he missed something. Even if it was just a stupid dress. In the past, back when everything was alright between him and you, you used to do shopping hauls for him. After coming home, you would try on again every piece you bought and show him. He remembers the way you were twirling around and he admired everything you wore. He misses those moments. He misses you. And these thoughts make him finally speak.

„Look, I… I know I fucked up.” he looks at you with remorse and longing that makes your heart ache. „I said awful things, I missed the dinner… You deserve more than I gave you through last few months.”

„I’m glad we have that established.” you say. You’re not sure if it’s just quiet, or maybe a little bitter. He sees that. He sees you’re hurt more than he realized, but he still believes he can fix this. You love each other, damnit. Of that, he is sure. „Darling, I… Just tell me how to make it up to you. How do I fix what I broke?” he asks and you take another sip of the tea to calm yourself. You’re not sure how to put in the words what you want to say. You’re a good writer, not a talker. „Do you believe that we can fix this right now? Here, during this lunch?” you tilt your head. You need his answer to know if he’s really aware of the damage he made. But then you notice his brows knit in slight confusion. „What do you mean? Of course we can fix it here. We’re here to fix it, aren’t we?” his voice gets this deeper tone you normally love, but now it just makes you want to roll your eyes. „Yes, we are, Harry. But one talk won’t make our issues disappear.”

„Issues?” He sighs. „Baby, you’re hurt, I’m aware. I was a dick to you.”

„No, it’s not as simple as being a dick, Harry.” Your voice sharpens, but it’s still down, because you don’t want to make a scene. You both despise arguing in public, that is why you chose this restaurant. You want a peaceful conversation. So you take a breath. Calm. You are calm. „You made me feel unimportant. You worked so much, there were days I saw you only for fifteen minutes. It’s not about that one dinner. Though, I have to admit, it was the last straw. No matter how many times you’ll say you fucked up, or that you’re sorry… It won’t fix months of neglect. Marriage is not some project. There isn’t any trial period, when you have to be a good husband and then after two years you can stop trying at all. Marriage is a constant work. On both sides.”

Before he can answer, the waitress brings you your bagels with a big smile on her face. You thank her politely, while Harry thinks about your words. When she’s gone, he tries again as you take a bite of your bagel. You lost your appetite, but you haven’t eaten breakfast, so your responsible part of you makes you eat it.

„Okay… you are right. I know it.” he admits, looking down at his plate. He hasn’t even touched his bagel, but it’s the last thing he has on his mind now. He knows the situation is that bad, but this avoidant part of him still held on to that hope, that you’ll forgive him easily. Your eyes soften, because you know that look on him.

„I need a change, Harry. Are you willing to change? For good?”

„Baby… Of course, I want to change. But it’s not that simple. I still have responsibilities. The company is in a crucial moment… I need you to understand…”

„Our marriage is also in a crucial moment.” you say and that gets to him. He takes a moment to look at you carefully. „You don’t mean… You want a divorce?” the disbelief on his face is heartbreaking. He’s making it harder with every minute. You finish your bagel and put the plate aside as he waits for your answer. „I’ve been considering it.” you finally admit.

„No.” he shakes his head. „We’re not getting a divorce, you hear me? This… This can be fixed. I can be better, baby. Just trust me. We can… Fuck, I’ll even agree to a fucking marriage therapy, just don’t… Don’t do this to us.” he has never been that scared in his life. He can’t lose you.

„Do this to us? Harry, you did that.” you slowly lose your patience. „We don’t need a marriage therapy, I just need you to open up to me, for Christ’s sake.” you lean on closer over the table. „You pulled away from me… I need us back together. I know, you know what I mean and you’re just running from the truth. Please, stop running.” you rest your hand over his. „Face this with me, if you really wanna fix our relationship.”

He’s left speechless. For all the time he knew you, he thought he reached his maximum level of being honest about his feelings. You taught him a lot. You taught him enough, that he was able to admit he loves you. He was sure it’s enough. But relationships evolve, needs change. He started pulling away, when he realized he’s failing you. And now he’s not sure how to stop.

„I really… I don’t wanna be like this. I love you.” he looks into your eyes desperately. His thumb brushes delicately over the back of your hand. It’s been four awful days since he touched you. „It’s… I…”

„I love you, too. More than you’ll ever know. But I won’t be waiting for you forever. I’m done with that.” you lean back, pulling your hand away from his. „I need something to change. If it doesn’t, I’ll file for a divorce.”

It physically hurts you to say that. Your eyes glisten with unshed tears. You were firm about your needs, you stood your ground. You handled it perfectly. And yet there’s a huge hole in your heart, left after saying these words. Harry seems stunned, too. Only now, he sees, that he can’t keep going like that. That he pulled away so far, that you may not want him back. That it isn’t some rough path. You are ready to give a death sentence to your marriage. To him.

„Baby…”

You stand up from your chair. You can’t draw your gazes away from each other. Eyes filled with tears and regret.

„Think about it.” you whisper. „Ask yourself a question what’s worse. Losing me or letting me in?”

With these final words you grab your purse. Now the ball is in his court. And you pray he’ll choose you. You can act all tough in front of him, but truth to be told you’re terrified. Because you know, no one will ever love you the way Harry did. Before he started neglecting you, you never felt more alive. He was the one, that made you feel valuable. The one who taught you your worth. And now… you have to use his lessons against him. And you will.

Because you believe your love is stronger than his fears.

******************

Right after you came back to Cassie’s apartment, you laid down on the couch and cried your eyes out for good thirty minutes. You hate what your life had become. You hate Harry. Hate him for making your marriage like this. You hate yourself for letting it go so far. What the hell got into you when you met him? What made you feel like emotionally unavailable man was a perfect husband material?

You scream into the pillow.

This is the exact moment, when your friend enters the apartment after work. „Woah, woah…” she approaches worried and you sit up startled by her sudden presence. „What are you doing here so early?” you ask, your throat sore from crying and screaming. You probably look like a mess with your puffy face and smudged makeup. „I had a feeling you’d need a pep talk after this lunch, but… Well, I didn’t expect this.”

You chuckle tearfully.

„He’s an ass.” your voice cracks and Cassie sits down next to you. „He’s an ass.” she nods, collecting you into her arms. You’re so thankful for her. Cassandra is the type of friend that’ll pat your head and hands you a tomato to throw into your husband’s photo even if she likes him. Right now, she won’t try to cheer you up, or give you lectures. She’s gonna hold you, rock you gently until your sobs quiet down. And then? She’ll set a tequila bottle on the coffee table and let you drown your sorrows despite the early hour.

And that is exactly what you need. You’ll worry about the rest tomorrow. Today is for grieving. Today you’re resting after the hardest conversation in your life. Today you’re calling Harry names, so tomorrow you could worry if he chooses you.

„I love him so much.” you cry into her shoulder. „I hate that he made me love him so much…”

„I know, sweets, I know…” she hums softly.

Cassie also knows, she has never saw you in a state like this. Not after some collage breakups. Not after your parents missed your graduation. She also hates Harry at this moment, even if she used to call him a friend. You’re the best person she knows and if he cannot see that, he’s a fucking fool.

She’s gonna be here for you now.

Later, she will deal with Harry’s sorry ass.

***************

next chapter

Ending chapter notes: Well it was a rollercoaster, but I had a lot of fun writing it. I feel the angst is angsting. I want to thank you all for reading! I love this community.

Taglist: @palomavs @negrita2345 @jothenurse91 @chewie-bars @ivoryandflame @perpetualharpyresonance @alyloops @mamustreads @misstokyo7love @picketniffler @inept-the-magnificent @jasminedragoon @callmebyyournick-name @victoriaholland @oh-thats-cute @sophx58 @lilacs97 @mrsjosephmazzello @orcasoul @vickie5446 @callittrueblue

“Are you sure you’re packed?” Harry asked, looking over at you. “Got everything you need?” 

“Yes,” you answered. “Thanks to you.” 

He chuckled and nodded, leading you through the airport with both hands holding both of your luggages. You shouldn’t have been surprised that he was such a gentleman, making sure he held the doors open for you first, holding your bags so that you could walk freely, but you didn’t expect how it made you feel. 

Even as he led you through the airport, Harry walked like he owned the entire place. With so many eyes on him, he kept his own either focused ahead of him or on you. It made you feel kind of special. 

“And flying? You gonna be okay?” He asked. 

“Too late to be asking me that. Should’ve thought that before you asked me to be your pretend girlfriend,” you teased. 

“It’s a long flight.”

“And I know you put us in first class, so I’ll be fine.” 

Harry sighed. “Okay, just let me know if there’s anything I can do.” 

“Oh, I see,” you said, arms crossed over your chest as you both were now checking in. “You’re nervous.” 

“Of course I’m nervous. I’m lying to my family.” 

“Could end it before you even get on that plane,” you suggested. “But I’m keeping the clothes.” 

He scoffed. “I’m not ending it. I’ll be fine.” 

“You sure? Because we’re not even there yet and you’re already stressed.” 

Harry sighed. “I’m fine.” 

You leaned in and whispered quietly, “maybe we should join the mile high club. I’m sure that’d ease some stress.” 

His eyes narrowed as he pulled back to look down at you. “You’re enjoying this.” 

“I am.” You watched him check in your luggages before taking your hand and leading you through the airport once again. “I promise I’ll behave once we’re with your family. I just gotta let it all out now.” 

He looked at you and tugged you to his side, his arm snaking around your waist protectively. 

“You better.” 

“Or what?” 

His eyes narrowed. “You know what.” 

You smiled. “See, you want me bad too.” 

“Don’t I always?” 

You laughed and leaned against him, arm looping around his lower back too. 

It took both you and Harry about twenty hours to arrive to the Maldives and it was already nighttime by the time you landed. He led you through the plane and airport effortlessly too—hand resting on your lower back or his hand encompassing yours. Maybe this was his way of assuming the role as protective and doting boyfriend before you meet up with his family. 

“Tired?” He asked. 

“Yeah,” you answered. “Just glad I could stretch my legs. I don’t know how I’d be if I rode in coach.” 

“Poor you,” he teased. “We can grab something to eat at the villa.” 

“Villa?” 

“On the water.” 

“You’re speaking in riddles.” 

Harry chuckled. “We’re staying on a private island where the villa is on the water.” 

Your eyes widened. “Are you serious?” 

“You know my parents,” he answered. “Did you think they wouldn’t go all out for their anniversary?” 

“Maybe not like that.” 

“Then maybe you don’t know them. Come on. I’m hungry and I want a shower.” 

You nodded and followed him eagerly, spotting a driver holding up his name immediately. You reached for his hand and saw him look back at you with a furrowed brow. 

“Girlfriend, remember?” You said. 

He squeezed your hand and then tugged you closer. “Girlfriend.” 

You had fallen asleep on the car ride to the private island. It was Harry who picked you up from the car and carried you into your shared villa, setting you on the mattress carefully. He stared at you for a few seconds before leaving the bedroom to walk into the kitchen. He knew the rest of his family would be arriving soon, but they would be meeting you tomorrow. He poured himself a drink and walked towards the living area, sitting on the couch and staring out the large windows. The moon was reflecting against the water, casting a natural glow into the villa. 

His mind drifted and wondered how this week was going to go. He knew it’d be easy to slip into such a normal dynamic with you, but he wasn’t sure why he kept hearing his mother’s words in his mind. 

I see the way you look at her sometimes. It lingers. 

It lingers. 

Lingers. 

Lingers…

He sighed and set his drink down on the coffee table, leaning back against the couch. Harry wasn’t sure what to expect for this week, but he was just hoping that it’d pass quickly. He pulled his phone out and sent a text in the family group chat to let them know that they arrived before grabbing his drink and walking back into the bedroom. 

You had shifted your position, lying on your abdomen with your leg bent forward and your arms underneath the pillow. You looked so calm and at peace like this. Sure, he’d seen you asleep before but never like this. 

And never in this type of setting either. 

You awoke early in the morning to an empty bed. You sat up and widened your eyes at the room you were in, followed by the view just right outside. Harry wasn’t lying, you were on the water. You stood slowly and looked around, noticing your luggage in the corner next to Harry’s but with him nowhere to be found. Pulling your hair into a messy bun, you stepped out of the room to see him fast asleep on the couch in the living area. 

You furrowed a brow and sat at the edge of the coffee table, biting your lower lip as you looked at him. Harry had always been attractive to you. His deep brown eyes, dark curls and dimples—you wondered why he couldn’t settle down, why he had such a difficult time finding someone to commit to. 

Even now, with Lucy being just another failed relationship, you wondered what truly was wrong with him. Was he too picky? Did he have a side to him that he hadn’t shown you? Was he just truly incapable of putting himself out there and being vulnerable? 

You were taken out of your thoughts when you heard his voice. Deep and gruff from sleep. 

“You’re being creepy,” he mumbled. 

“Am not.” 

“You’re staring at me while I’m sleeping.” 

“Well, you’re awake, so…” 

He opened his eyes and looked up at you. “I am now.” 

“Why are you in the living room?” 

“We don’t sleep together, remember?” 

You sighed. “We might have to break that rule for the entire week we’re here, Harry.” 

He sat up slowly and nodded, bringing a hand up to rub the sleep from his eyes. “Right.” 

Then, you stood up and looked around with a smile. “It’s beautiful here.” 

He just answered with a quiet grunt. “Did you sleep okay?” 

“Yeah. Did you carry me in?” 

“Yeah,” he answered. “I know how cranky you get when you’re woken up.” 

You rolled your eyes. Harry stood and walked over to you. His body lingered, not quite crossing that threshold just yet. His fingers moved at his sides though, lightly brushing them over your hand. 

“Want some coffee?” 

“You gonna make?” 

“Gonna try,” he answered. 

“Then yes,” you smiled. “Do we have plans today?” 

Harry nodded. “Gonna meet up with my family, have some lunch.” 

“Great, so I have time to swim?” 

“Guess so.”

“Will you join me?” 

He shook his head. “No.” 

“Oh, come on,” you said, turning your body to face his. “You’re on vacation. Try to relax and have some fun.” 

“I’m lying to my family about my love life,” he argued. “Nothing about that screams fun.” 

“At least you’re not lying to them with someone you barely know,” you pointed out. “Come on. We have to make this believable, right? Just… dip your toes in.” 

“Do I look like someone who just dips my toes in?” 

You leaned back to look at him, eyeing him up and down. “Truthfully, yes.” 

Harry chuckled. You felt yourself relax at the sight of him smiling. 

“Fine, but after coffee, okay?” 

You nodded and leaned in to kiss his cheek. “We’re gonna have so much fun.” 

“Debatable,” he mumbled, but watched you turn away to go back into the bedroom. 

Harry sighed and walked towards the kitchen, preparing coffee for the both of you. He glanced down the hallway and into the direction of the bedroom, watching you kneel down in front of the luggage to grab some change of clothes. 

He grabbed his phone and noticed the messages from his parents and Peter, the rest of them saying they had finally arrived now too. He sighed and set down his phone, grabbing two mugs from the cupboard to pour the coffee in. 

Harry just had to get through today. Day one. It would be fine, wouldn’t it? 

He almost spilled his coffee when he saw you walk out of the bedroom. It was a deep red floral print two-piece bikini with a short skirt in the same pattern tied at the side of your waist. You had your hair pulled into a loose braid with a few strands falling over your face. 

Harry looked over your frame, eyes lingering on every exposed inch of your body. You set the towels on the couch and the sunscreen before you walked over to him, smiling broadly in his direction as you reached for your cup. 

“Thanks for the coffee,” you said, sipping it carefully like you had no idea the effect you had on him. 

He rounded the corner to you and reached out to the side of your exposed leg, fingers trailing upwards. “This is nice.” 

“Yeah?” You smiled, staring at him from the rim of your mug. “You like it?” 

Harry nodded, bringing his hand further up your leg until he started to play with the tie at your hip. “Looks good.” 

“Thanks,” you said, setting the mug down. “You paid for it.” 

He scoffed and then pulled back, clearing his throat as he looked at you from top to bottom again. “Of course I did.” 

“Can you hurry up and get ready so that we can go into the water together?” 

“I’m only dipping my toes, remember?” 

“Sure… sure.” 

His eyes narrowed before he grabbed his mug from the counter. “I’ll be quick.” 

“You better. I need help with putting sunscreen on my back.” 

“And I’m the help?” 

“Exactly,” you grinned. “But don’t worry, I’ll do you too.” 

“Won’t need it,” he said, beginning to walk down the hallway now. “I’m only dipping my toes in.” 

You laughed quietly to yourself and walked out of the villa onto the deck, inhaling sharply as you looked around. You couldn’t believe you were actually here, on the water on a private island. You knew Harry’s family was rich, but this was on a different level. 

Harry came out after a few minutes, dressed in dark navy blue swimming trunks and a white knit shirt, the buttons at the top undone to reveal his tanned and broad chest. 

You looked over at him and smiled. “You really should show your legs more often,” you said. “They’re nice.” 

“Even with my scars?” 

“You made an investment on yourself,” you shrugged. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of that.” 

“Most people tend to look at you differently when you admit you’ve gotten some work done to alter the way you look.” 

“Who says you have to tell the truth?” You smiled, grabbing the sunscreen from his grasp. “Besides, I think it makes you look hotter.” 

“The scars?” 

You nodded. 

“You’re ridiculous.” 

“I’m being truthful.” 

“You’re flirting,” he said simply. 

“What can I say? It’s easy to flirt with you when we’re in the Maldives.” You opened the bottle sunscreen and applied a small amount onto your hand to rub along your arms and chest. 

“Let me,” he mumbled. 

“I can get my front,” you said. 

“Then turn around,” Harry replied. 

“You just want to put your hands on me.” 

“Maybe,” he smirked. 

“Now who’s flirting?” 

“You make it easy,” he answered, hands resting on your hips and turning you swiftly until your back was facing him. Once you finished applying sunscreen to your front, you reached back to hand him the bottle. 

“Try not to get all hot and bothered,” he teased. “I know what happens to you when I get my hands on you.” 

You scoffed. “Only when we’re having sex.” 

Harry stepped forward and whispered quietly into your ear. “We both know that’s not entirely true.” 

You cleared your throat. 

Harry started applying some sunscreen to your shoulders first, spreading it evenly along your skin. 

A moan escaped you accidentally. 

“Told you,” he chuckled into your ear. 

“Shut up,” you mumbled. “Maybe I just need a massage.” 

“That can be arranged.” 

You rolled your eyes, but bit your lower lip to hold back another moan that wanted to slip out. His hands moved from your shoulders and down your back, thumbs digging softly I your muscles to relieve some of the tension. 

Harry let his eyes deviate along your lower back and down to your backside, one of his hands coming up to undo the tie of the skirt to let it fall to your ankles. 

“Hmm,” he murmured to himself. 

“You’re staring,” you said. “And I can get my own ass, thanks.” 

“Shame,” Harry whispered, stepping away from you to look at you from top to bottom. “I wouldn’t have minded.” 

“Uh huh,” you smiled, turning to kiss his cheek. “Thanks, baby,” you teased before you turned back around to jump into the ocean with a splash. 

Harry chuckled to himself and sat at the edge of the deck to watch you. He dipped his toes into the cool water, hands resting at either side of him as he watched you come up from underneath the water, stroking your hair back and away from your face now. 

“You sure you don’t want to come in?” You asked, swimming slowly over to him. “It feels great.” 

“I’m fine,” he said, gently kicking his feet back and forth under the water. “I can feel it just fine like this.” 

“Will you get in the water with me at some point this week?” You asked.

“If you’re good,” he teased. 

“If I’m good?” 

He nodded. “And if you behave.” 

“You act like I’m not a good girl,” you grinned, licking your lower lip. 

“You’re not… sometimes.”

 “Maybe that’s intentional.” You laughed, moving to lay back against the water and you floated against the surface with the sun beating down on you and your body. “Please just come into the water with me.” 

Harry shook his head. “Next time.” 

“We both know there won’t be a next time.” 

He heard his phone ring from inside the villa. Harry stood up and looked at you. “I’m gonna get that. You stay… have some fun for the both of us.” 

“Boring… you’re boring, Castillo!” 

Harry chuckled to himself and gave you one last look before he stepped back inside the villa once he dried his feet. 

When he looked down at his phone, he sighed. He hadn’t told you that he signed up for Adore’s matchmaking services and the message he thought would be from his family was instead his matchmaker telling him that there was a woman who would be perfect for him. 

He heard your laughter from outside. Harry sighed and began typing. This wasn’t real, you weren’t his. 

So, he told his matchmaker that he couldn’t wait and to get something set up for when he would get back home. 

Harry was seated on the couch, typing away on his phone to let his family that he’d be seeing them soon. He was dressed casually—a pair of tan linen shorts with a dark, olive-colored polo shirt. It was breathable, considering the heat. 

“Hey, are you almost ready?” He called out. 

“Coming!” You answered, walking out of the bedroom and down the hallway into the living area. He turned to look over at you, once again, shocked at what you were wearing. 

It was a pale green strapless dress with floral print (again) that stopped just right above your ankles. It hugged your curves in all the right places and when you turned, he felt his throat go dry. It was a backless dress too. 

“Ready,” you said, running a hand through your hair. It was loose, purposefully undone to give that beach look. 

“Another one that I paid for?” Harry asked, standing up from the couch. 

“This one I actually owned already,” you smiled. 

“Oh? How come I’ve never seen it?” 

“Because you never take me to places like this,” you laughed. “So, we’re on the same page with our story, right?” 

Harry nodded. “Yeah. Disastrous first date, but—”

“But we had fun,” you finished. 

“And you kissed me.” 

“Yes, I did,” you smiled. Then, you took a step closer and moved a hand to his chest. “We’ll have to be affectionate.” 

“Yeah,” he said. “But we don’t have to make it too obvious. Maybe some hand holding, a peck here and there.” 

“Alright,” you nodded, taking a deep breath. “You feeling okay?” 

Harry shrugged. “Just gotta get through the week.” 

“Right,” you said. “But hey, I’ll be right here with you.” 

He smiled. 

Then, you caught him by surprise when you leaned in to kiss his cheek. “Let’s go, boyfriend.” 

He chuckled, shaking his head as he pulled away to look down at you. “By the way,” Harry whispered. “You look beautiful.” 

You smiled and moved your hand from his chest to cup his cheek. 

“Flirt.” 

He leaned in and lightly pecked your lips. “Again, you make it easy.” 

You sighed against his lips before pulling away. “Stop being charming. Let’s go.” 

He chuckled and nodded, moving a hand to your lower back as he led you out of the villa. 

Harry wasn’t sure how today was going to go, but surely it wouldn’t be as worse as he’d expect it to be if he came alone. 

He saw his mother first, looking as radiant as she always did. Harry wouldn’t admit it, but his mother had always been a soft spot for him. Peter liked to joke around and say that he was a mama’s boy growing up, always wanting to be near her and making sure that she was taken care of. Harry would argue and say it was just his way of protecting her, of making sure that she didn’t work too hard. 

But he knew there was some truth to it. 

“Today’s going to be very lowkey… but the rest of the week will ramp up,” Harry explained. “Today is just the immediate family.” 

“You mean more people will be coming?” 

Harry nodded. “Yes.” 

“Guess having a private island is worth it then.” 

Almost like he could sense your anxiety, he reached over and rested a hand on your knee. “It’s just lunch.” 

“I know, but I think it’s starting to hit me that I’ll be lying to your parents… and they’ve both been so good to me.” 

“Hey, I’ve been good to you.” 

You looked over at him. “In a different way.” 

He smirked. “We’re both nervous,” he said softly. “I think that’s okay. Makes it more realistic because meeting your partner’s family for the first time should be nerve wracking.” 

“Will you hold my hand?” 

“You know I will.” 

The driver put the car in park and he leaned down to kiss the crown of your head. “We got this, baby.” 

You turned your hand to squeeze his own. “Okay.” 

The driver opened the door and Harry stepped out first, taking your hand to help you out as well. When you did, he stayed close by your side, keeping a hand resting on your lower back. 

“Harry, honey,” his mother called out, greeting the both of you halfway. 

“Hi, ma,” he smiled, leaning down to kiss her cheek. 

She smiled and turned to you. “You look gorgeous.” 

“Thank you, Mrs. Castillo,” you smiled, leaning into Harry. “And thank you for having me. It’s such a beautiful place.” 

“I’m just surprised Harry didn’t say anything sooner about the two of you seeing each other,” she laughed quietly. “But then again, he always was the quiet one anyway.” 

You looked over at him and smiled. “This is actually a big step in our relationship, right, baby?” 

Harry looked down at you and nodded. He looked into your eyes a second longer than he needed to but he found it comforting, grounding, to have you here. 

“That’s right.”

“Well,” his mother said. “We’re glad to have you here… and to be honest, we’re relieved that you both ended up with each other.” 

“Ma,” he mumbled. 

She smiled. “Okay, okay. I won’t say a word,” she winked. 

“About what?” You asked, furrowing a brow. 

“Nothing,” Harry answered. “Should we head inside for lunch? I’m sure you and dad can’t wait to start all the festivities you have planned for the week.” 

“Fifty years of marriage, honey,” his mother said. “That’s a big milestone.” 

You looked up at Harry and nodded in agreement. “Imagine where you’ll be in fifty years, Harry,” you said. 

“Hopefully with you,” he blurted out. 

Your eyes widened just slightly but he leaned in to kiss your cheek before you could say anything else. You wondered if it was just his way of playing the role as your boyfriend or if he was really telling the truth. Either way, you tried not to dwell on it too much. 

Because that meant allowing yourself to think about life with him. 

And that wasn’t what you needed. It wasn’t what you wanted either. Harry was, and always will be, just someone to pass time with. Nothing else. Nothing more. That was the agreement. 

“Charmer,” you teased. 

His mother laughed quietly. “He does have a way with words, doesn’t he?” 

“He really does,” you answered, eyes narrowing slightly at him. 

“Okay, I’m starving,” Harry said. “Can we go inside now?” 

His mother nodded and led the two of you inside. She was a few feet away from the both of you, which gave Harry enough space to whisper into your ear without his mother hearing. 

“Sorry about that,” he whispered. “It just kind of came out.” 

You looked up at him and nodded. So, he didn’t mean it. He was just playing a role. 

“I know,” you lied, forcing a small smile. “It was smooth.” 

“Glad you thought so… because you looked a bit surprised.” 

“Just wasn’t expecting it.” 

“Besides, fifty years of marriage sounds like a lot of work,” he mumbled. 

“Not with the right person,” you replied too quickly.

“What?” 

“I just mean that when it’s with the right person, fifty years won’t be enough.” 

His eyes softened as he looked down at you. Harry opened his mouth to say something but realized he didn’t have anything worth saying anyway. So, he shut his mouth and nodded. 

Because in the back of his mind, all he could hear was Lucy. 

Love is supposed to be easy.

He shouldn’t have been surprised by the fact that you just fit in so naturally with his family. Harry was seated to your right with his arm draped over the back of your chair as you leaned against him. Throughout lunch, it was like your bodies knew just the right amount of space to give each other in certain moments or when to move in closer in others. 

He ran his fingertips lightly along the back of your shoulder as you reached for your glass of wine, sipping it with a smile as you listened to the story of how his parents met. He tuned them out almost instantly, having heard the story before, but all he could focus on was how the two of you looked like to the rest of the family. 

Could they sense any hesitation from either of you? 

Did they have an idea that all of this was a lie? 

Even Peter noticed that he wasn’t all that there. So, he stood from his chair and pointed at Harry briefly, motioning him towards the bathrooms. 

Harry furrowed a brow and then leaned in to kiss your temple briefly, excusing himself from the table to follow his younger brother towards the back. 

“What?” 

“Are you okay?” Peter asked. 

“I’m fine.” 

“You don’t look fine.” 

“Jet lag,” he lied. 

Peter rolled his eyes. “Right.” 

“Just thinking, Peter,” he sighed. 

“About?” 

Harry shrugged. “Everything.” 

“Hm.” 

“Hm what?” 

“If I can notice something’s wrong, then your girl will too,” Peter said. 

Harry let out a sigh of relief. He thought Peter had called him away from the table to tell him that he knew just exactly what he was doing, but instead, he pulled him aside to just check in. 

And he hated the way it made him feel when Peter called you his girl. 

Because then he started thinking about it and something territorial came over him. 

“I’m fine,” he sighed.

“Okay,” Peter nodded. “If you say so.” 

“Charlotte looks good,” Harry said. 

“Yeah, we’re actually trying for a baby right now,” his younger brother smiled. 

“Oh?”

“No luck so far, but it’s definitely fun trying,” he chuckled. “We’re trying not to put too much pressure on it, you know?” 

“Makes sense,” Harry replied, moving his hands into his pockets. “Who knows? Maybe she’ll get pregnant during this trip.” 

Peter laughed quietly. “Let’s hope so. I know mom would love that.” 

“She sure would,” Harry smiled. “She and dad have been asking for a grandkid and we know it’s not gonna be me who’s going to have a kid first.” 

“You never know,” he winked. 

Harry shook his head. “We’re safe. We take protection very seriously,” he shrugged. 

“They’re not a hundred percent, though.” 

“Sure, of course, but it’s still much safer than just doing it without contraception.” Harry shook his head then. “Anyway, why the hell are we talking about my sex life?” 

Peter laughed. “Sorry, sorry, let’s head back.” 

Harry nodded. 

“By the way,” Peter said. “You look… happier,” he pointed out. “And different than when you were with Lucy.” 

He bit his lower lip as he followed Peter back to the table. He saw you talking and laughing with his parents and Charlotte and he started thinking just how easily you fit in. 

Then, he remembered Peter calling you his girl. 

And when your eyes met his, all Harry could think about was: 

Mine. 

Mine. 

Mine. 

You’re mine. 

Lunch soon turned into afternoon drinks back at his parents’ villa. Obviously, it was much bigger than his own and Peter’s, but neither of them minded. They were used to their parents spending money on the finger things in life anyway. 

“So…” Charlotte smiled, leaning back against Peter. “Tell us how you two became… a thing.” 

“Oh,” you smiled, looking over at Harry who was sitting next to you. “You wanna tell it, baby?” 

“You can, baby,” Harry said. 

You held his gaze for a few seconds. 

His parents were on the loveseat across from you, his father’s arm around his mother affectionately. 

“Okay, I’ll tell it,” you said, turning back to glance at Charlotte. “Well, as you know, I’ve worked for the family for about five years now.” 

“Right,” Charlotte smiled. “Did you guys finally have some kind of epiphany during one of your gigs?” 

You shook your head. Harry kept his eyes on you. 

“It’s funny, actually. We bumped into each other at a coffee shop one morning.” 

“Coffee shop?” His mother asked. “Which one?” 

Harry cleared his throat. Neither of you established which coffee shop and didn’t think anyone would ask. 

So, Harry chimed in instead. “The one near Central Park,” he answered. 

You nodded in agreement. 

Harry continued. 

“It was after Lucy,” he said quietly. “And we just… we started talking.” 

“Spent most of the morning just talking actually,” you smiled. “He was… familiar, you know? A friend.” 

Harry smiled. “It was easy,” he added. 

“Then, I asked him out to dinner.” 

His mother grinned. 

Peter’s eyes widened. 

“You made the first move?” 

“He had just come back from Iceland. I figured I’d… put myself out there and let him know that I was interested. Worst case scenario, he’d reject me.” 

“That’s brave of you,” his mother smiled. 

“Very courageous,” his father chimed in. “Not many women would do that.” 

You smiled and leaned further into Harry. “We had a really great conversation.” 

Everyone laughed. 

Harry relaxed just a bit. 

“But dinner was a disaster,” he continued. “Nothing was working to our favor that night. Food took so long and when we did get our food, it wasn’t even what we ordered.” 

“Definitely a bad first date,” you teased. “But not because of Harry… it was because of the circumstances.” 

“Still had fun,” he smiled, kissing your cheek lightly. 

“I did too,” you said. “We spent the entire night just… laughing together… so when he dropped me off, I kissed him.” 

“I knew I liked you,” his father laughed. “Going after what you want, I like that.” 

“Took me by surprise,” Harry said, arm wrapping around your shoulders now. “Wasn’t used to that.” 

You looked up at him and smiled. “And we’ve been together ever since,” you nodded. 

“About two months, yeah,” Harry confirmed. 

“Well, we’re glad that Harry finally found someone that makes him genuinely happy,” his mother said. “And we see the way you look at him too.” 

You cleared your throat and let out a nervous chuckle. “He makes it easy,” you said quietly. 

Harry suddenly stood up and then pointed to your empty glass. “Want a refill, baby?” 

You nodded and stood with him, taking one of his hands in yours. “Yeah, I’ll come with.” You forced a smile and then, “does anyone else want a refill?” 

They all shook their heads. 

“We’re gonna head back to our villa,” Peter said. 

“And your mother and I… have some other plans,” his father said. 

“That means it’s time to go,” you laughed. 

Harry nodded. “Okay then, we’ll see you guys tomorrow.” 

He released your hand to hug Charlotte and shake Peter’s hand before he walked over to his parents. He kissed his mother’s cheek and pulled her into a hug before doing the same to his father. 

You followed him and felt his mother pull you into her arms. She had always been so kind to you, but this version—the version as your “boyfriend’s” mother and not your boss—wasn’t something you were used to. 

“We really are so happy you’re here,” she whispered. “You look at him the way he looks at you.” 

You pulled back to look at her, confused. “What?” 

“You look at him like there’s something you want to say, but can’t quite bring yourself up to say it.” 

“I don’t—”

“There’s something you two aren’t admitting to each other,” his mother said with a small smile. “But that’s okay because it’ll come out sooner or later.” 

You didn’t know what to do but just nod at her. 

“Good night,” she continued.

“Night, Mrs. Castillo.” 

Back at your own shared villa with Harry, you had switched from wine to hard liquor. You downed a single shot of tequila when he came into the kitchen. 

The air around the both of you felt charged now. 

The lunch was successful, but both of you were thinking of different things—things that made you both start wondering what this could really be like if neither of you were lying. 

“Can you pour me one too?” Harry asked. 

You nodded and grabbed another shot glass. You were barefoot now against the tiled floor, still in your dress, as you poured tequila in both glasses. 

Harry walked over to you and took the shot glass, clicking it against yours softly. 

“Salud,” he whispered, downing the shot with ease. 

You did the same, feeling it burn in the back of your throat. You were tipsy now, so was Harry, and the tension between the two of you thickened. 

“It was a good day,” he said. 

“It was.” 

“You did good.” 

“So did you.” 

Harry looked down at you and reached out to the touch the fabric of your dress, letting out a quiet breath. “I like this on you.” 

You weren’t sure if the warmth you felt was from the alcohol or from the way his compliments were hitting you harder than before. It felt like there was weight to it now, like Harry was noticing you in a different light. 

“Makes me wonder what other dresses you brought with you.” 

“You’ll find out,” you whispered. 

Harry nodded and used his free hand to pour himself another shot. He downed it quickly and refilled both shot glasses. 

“Do you think they bought it?” He asked. 

“I think so,” you answered. Your mind drifted momentarily to what his mother said: You look at him the way he looks at you. You weren’t sure what she meant by that because nothing in the way Harry looked at you ever gave you a different impression that this was something more.

That maybe there always was. 

“Good,” he said. 

You grabbed your shot glass

So did Harry. 

Another clinking of the glass. 

You stared at each other as you both downed the liquor at the same time. Your eyes glanced at his lips. Harry’s did the same. 

“You looked good tonight,” you complimented. “As much as I like seeing you in a suit, this type of clothing also suits you.” 

“Yeah?”

You nodded. “You seem more relaxed.”

“I am.” 

“You are now,” you replied teasingly. 

“I’m always relaxed when you’re here.” 

You cleared your throat. 

He didn’t have to say that and neither of you needed to fake anything behind closed doors, but the attraction you felt towards each other always felt so intense. 

“You’re flirting.” 

He just hummed. Harry stepped forward against until you turned to face him, back resting against the counter. He reached out and rested a hand on the edges of it, caging you in between his body and the kitchen counter. 

“You sure it’s okay to sleep next to you?” Harry asked, leaning down and brushing his nose lightly over your cheek. 

You nodded as your own hands moved to rest on his chest. “Yes,” you answered. “I’m sure.” 

“I promise I’ll keep my hands to myself,” he said quietly. 

“What if I don’t want you to?” You asked. 

Harry’s gaze darkened. “You want me to touch you?” 

You nodded slowly. “Yes.” 

That was all he needed before he bent down to pick you up into his arms. Harry set you down on the kitchen counter, stepping between your legs as he leaned in to lightly press his lips against your own. 

Your hands moved to his hair immediately, raking your fingers through his curls as you felt him lift the ends of your dress higher up your legs. 

It was always felt like this with him. 

Intense. Charged. Rushed. 

Always like you both had limited time and tried to do as much as you could within that timeframe. 

But now, now you both had an entire week with each other. No distractions and reality, at least for this week, wouldn’t catch up to either of you. 

His strong hands moved to grip your hips, tugging you roughly to the edge of the counter. Harry’s lips moved eagerly with your own, tongue sliding to meet yours. He felt your hands move to grab his shirt, tugging on it as he pulled back from the kiss to pull the shirt over his head. 

“Mm,” you grinned, leaning forward to press kisses along his collarbone and up his neck. 

Harry groaned, using his free hand to unzip your dress before he pulled it down your body. He cleared his throat at the sight of your matching white lace bra and thong. 

“Gonna take those shorts off?” You teased, reaching behind you to unclasp your bra as you tossed it over your shoulder. 

“Y—Yeah,” he muttered, pushing his shorts and boxers down in one swift motion. He looked down at himself, already hard and leaking at his tip. 

Then, Harry reached up to tug down your thong until you were sitting on the counter completely bare for him. 

“Condom,” you pointed out. 

“Not yet,” he said, moving his hands to keep your legs spread apart. “Want a fucking taste of you first.” 

Harry knelt down before you and let out a loud groan at the sight of you already glistening wet for him. He leaned forward and licked a stripe along the length of your sex, feeling your hands immediately down to tug on his hair. 

“Greedy,” he grinned. 

You tugged on his hair and pulled him closer to where you needed him the most. 

“Don’t worry, baby. I’ll take care of her,” Harry winked. He didn’t normally do this, at least not with other women, but for some reason, he felt crazed enough to do this with you. When he had tasted you for the first time, it was like he couldn’t get enough—he spent that entire night between your legs, pulling orgasm after orgasm out of you. 

And the moans that escaped you always fueled him further. You’d always try and push him away when you felt like you couldn’t handle anymore, but he just kept going. 

And going. 

And going. 

Because with you, Harry couldn’t ever contain his excitement. 

So, he leaned forward and lapped at your juices eagerly, keeping your legs spread with his large hands on your upper thighs. Harry flicked his tongue repeatedly, fingertips digging into the flesh of your thighs. 

You curled your hands into his hair, tugging on it roughly. Harry didn’t stop though. He knew you were close, especially by the way your hands gripped his hair even tighter. 

“Fuck, Harry, wait—”

He growled against you and shook his head. He draped an arm over your midsection to keep you still as his other hand gripped your wrists. 

It was obscene, the way he was holding you firmly against the counter and the wet sounds of him eating you out. You were so fucking wet that your arousal dropped down his chin. 

Your back arched as you abruptly closed your legs around his head. Harry grinned against you, pressing himself further into your sex. 

“Fuck!” You exclaimed. Your orgasm hit you harder than you expected. You weren’t sure if it was because of how good Harry was at doing this or if today’s events always played a factor. 

Harry pulled away from you and stood up, grinning down at you. 

“Always so fucking good,” he grinned. 

You sat up and placed a hand at the base of his neck, pulling him to you roughly. You leaned up and gently nipped at his lower lip, feeling the head of his manhood brush against you. 

“Gonna need you to be inside me now,” you mumbled. 

Harry growled. “Gimme a sec,” he said. “Don’t move.” He leaned down and grabbed his wallet from his shorts, pulling the condom from it. He held up the packaging for you to see before tearing it open with his teeth and sliding the latex down his length. 

He stepped forward between your legs again and ran the head of his manhood along your sex, growling at the feel of your warmth and wetness against him. He slipped the tip of him past your folds briefly but pulled out just as quickly, repeating the motion several more times. 

“Stop teasing,” you said with a whimper. 

Harry chuckled. “Just wanna open you up for me.” 

“I can take it,” you replied. “You know I always can.” 

“Yeah,” he said, sliding into you fully. “You always could.” Harry filled you to the hilt, groaning under his breath at your tightness surrounding him. 

You gasped loudly at the feel of him. You never could quite get used to just how good he felt. He leaned over you, lips brushing over yours, as he began moving his hips  

“Always so fucking wet for me, aren’t you?” He mumbled, hands resting on the counter as he thrusted into you repeatedly. 

“Harry,” you whimpered, moving your arms around his shoulders as his body pressed firmly against your own. 

“God, you drive me crazy,” he murmured, moving to rest his forehead against your shoulder. “Seeing you in that fucking bikini today and then that dress…” Harry growled, teeth grazing your skin roughly. 

“Knew it,” you smiled, wrapping your legs around his waist as you felt him slide deeper inside of you. 

“That your plan all along?” He asked, propping himself up just enough to look down at you as he delivered one hard thrust. 

“It’s easy,” you grinned, lips parting as a loud moan escaped you. “It’s always easy with you, Harry.” 

He clenched his jaw at that. Something in him snapped. He moved one hand to the side of your neck and the other on your hip, slamming himself into you repeatedly. 

The sounds of your moans mixed in with the sounds of skin slapping against one another and it echoed throughout the villa. 

There was something unsaid between the both of you. Something that started brewing the moment you both got to the Maldives, and maybe even something that had been lingering long before that too. 

Because you were looking at each other like you both never had before. 

“Fuck, baby,” Harry said, moving both hands to your hips now. He used it to brace himself, to keep a tight hold on you as he continued his hard and fast thrusts. 

He’d usually be able to last longer, but Harry just felt something overcome him. Something he wasn’t willing to admit because after this week, you both would go back to just being friends who occasionally had sex with each other. 

Nothing else. 

Nothing more. 

He felt you tighten around him first. 

His thrusts picked up in speed. 

And Harry only lasted another minute or two before he came. Hard. He filled you to the hilt and felt his body tremble as his own orgasm took over. 

It wasn’t ever like this. 

This intense. 

Filled with so many things that neither of you cared to admit. 

“Fuck,” he muttered, looking down at you with heavy breaths. Harry leaned down and pecked your lips before he slid out of you, pulling the condom from his length carefully and tying it at the ends before he tossed it into the trash. 

“If I’m being honest,” you said breathlessly. “I didn’t think we’d hook up that fast.” 

Harry chuckled. “No?” 

“I thought maybe at least day three,” you smiled, sitting up from the counter. You pulled him to you and kissed his cheek lightly. 

“Well, I thought that I did pretty good.” 

“Oh yeah? How so?” 

“Well, I wanted to fuck you the minute you came out this morning in that fucking bikini and skirt,” he smirked, pecking your lips once more. 

“Wow,” you laughed quietly. “Practicing some restraint, I see.” 

His eyes narrowed. “You complaining?” 

“Kind of. I wouldn’t have minded you fucking me earlier,” you grinned. 

Harry shook his head and bit back a smile, gently patting your thighs. “We should probably try and get some sleep. Tomorrow’s another day.” 

You nodded and hopped off the counter, fingertips trailing along his chest and abdomen. “Day one done, right?” 

“Day one done,” he agreed. “Just six more days.” 

“We got this.” 

“Yeah,” he said softly. “We do.” 

Your mind couldn’t stop thinking about Joel now being around. He did as he said he would and kept his distance but you would feel his eyes on you every now and then. Ellie and you had both grown somewhat close for the last few weeks and so she helped you that morning make breakfast.

“Do you actually like doing this?” Ellie asked just as you felt a strong kick from the baby distracting you from answering her.

“Ouch” you chuckled as Ellie looked over at you.

“How does it feel?” she asked curiously staring at your belly.

“Um…a little weird but I’ve gotten used to it now” you shrugged.

“Wanna feel?” You turned towards Ellie allowing her to place her hand on your belly. Her eyes widening in amazement as she felt your baby move. You had no idea that your mother’s friend Victor was watching you in the doorway in a way you would have never expected. Joel soon walked in the front door wiping his hands off with a rag after doing some work for the day. Just as he looked up he noticed Victor down the hall. Joel noticed how he licked his lips as if he was looking at something that bought him pleasure, that’s when he heard your voice and realized he was staring at you. A crease forming between Joel’s brows, he cleared his throat purposely making Victor look back at him. Distracted with Ellie you hadn’t heard a thing as Victor walked towards Joel with a chuckle.

“Something about a pregnant woman I just find…sexy” he looked back over his shoulder.

“I’ll see you outside” he patted his back and walked out not realizing the threatening glare Joel had given him.

Joel took a step closer overhearing you speaking to Ellie.

“Do you think it’s a boy or girl?” Ellie asked as she continued to help you.

“I don’t know, I kind of hope a boy. Even though I’d be happy with a girl too” you shrugged with a giggle. Joel couldn’t help but smile as he heard the excitement in your voice.

You would see Joel through out the day but kept away from him at all times…anything to avoid any suspicion from your mother.

That evening you surprisingly all sat together during dinner, something that wasn’t done often let alone with Joel. Ellie sat beside Joel whom she didn’t really know but she seemed to be the only one to notice how he would sneak a look at you.

“So you’re getting close to having the baby huh?” Victor pointed out making Joel look up. God you wished there could have been anything else as a topic other than your baby.

“Mhm, eight months now and she still managed to not tell me who the hell knocked her up” your mother spoke sarcastically. You swallowed nervously taking a sip of water and remained silent until you felt a sharp pain.

“Ow” you gasped practically dropping your cup on the table. Joel eyes were alert with concern looking directly at you.

“And that proves me right” Marlene laughed ignoring the discomfort you clearly felt. It had been about a week now since you began feeling these sharp pains.

“Maybe you should lay down” Joel’s voice made your mother, Victor and Ellie look his way.

“I um-I think I will” you quickly responded as Victor quickly stood up.

“Here, let me take you to the room” Joel, not being able to say a word narrowed his eyes on Victor as he walked you out not even realizing Marlene was speaking to him.

“Miller!” She yelled out snapping him out of it.

“Hm” he looked at Marlene.

“How are you holding up here?” She asked with a squint of her eyes.

“Just fine, why?” She looked down at his plate and noticed he hadn’t touched any of the food.

“Just making sure our guest is comfortable.” Joel wasn’t a stupid man, he could tell she wasn’t genuine in what she said but in that moment he didn’t give a shit. His only thought being you and Ellie could tell.

“I think I’m gonna go make sure she’s ok” Ellie quickly stood up and walked out of the room as Joel crossed his arms.

Victor had left you in the room and didn’t really say much. Of course, too distracted with your discomfort you didn’t pay attention to the way he had looked at you.

“I got it from here, thanks” you smiled at Victor just as Ellie showed up at your door.

“Hey you ok?” Ellie’s voice made you look up.

“If you need anything, call for me” Victor left the room as Ellie looked at him strangely.

“I’m fine. I think just tired from being on my feet all day” you sighed.

“So why don’t you get more rest?” She asked.

“Ask my mother, she doesn’t think me being pregnant means I can’t do the same amount of work. I think it’s her way of punishing me.” You shrugged.

“That’s stupid” Ellie whispered.

“Well, you get some sleep, I’ll make sure everything is cleaned up, I’ll see you tomorrow” Ellie was pretty sure you had already fallen asleep and quietly closed the door letting herself out.

Once she came back to the kitchen, she found Joel alone cleaning up. Joel was hesitant but itching to ask Ellie if you were ok but before he even asked she already knew.

“She’s fine” she suddenly spoke taking him by surprise.

“She’s asleep in bed” she turned and began to clean as if she had said nothing. Joel stopped and looked at her strangely.

“Beg your pardon” he attempted to somehow act confused.

“What, you don’t think I notice the way you look at her? What is she like your girlfriend or something?” His silence making Ellies eyes widen.

“Wait! Is that your kid?!”

This girl was smarter than he expected.

“Shut up” Joel whispered looking behind him to make sure no one heard her.

“Just don’t repeat whatever we speak of”

“I knew it!!”

“Don’t” Joel warned her.

“Duh, I’m not stupid” Ellie chuckled as Joel looked at her unsure whether to feel anxious that a child knew your deep secret or relieved that he now had another way to keep an eye on you.

“So she say anything else lately?” Joel proceeded to ask as he pushed a chair in.

“Um…she’s scared” Joel of course knew this but to hear it was different.

“Marlene is kind of a-“

“I know” Joel cut her off.

“Sometimes she doesn’t feel good and Marlene doesn’t let her rest. Like today, the only reason she let her go to the room was because you said something, she keeps her on her feet all the time. She thinks her mom does it on purpose” Ellie noticed the way Joel crossed his arms, chewing on his inner lip, anything he could do to not show Ellie how what she said truly pissed him off.

“Do me a favor alright” he whispered.

“Sure”

“Keep an eye on her for me, you come find me if anything. Understood?”

Ellie nodded as the two of them continued cleaning up.

The next morning you woke up to your mother barging into the room loudly telling you to wake up.

“Time to get up, it’s a big day, lots of work to do and-“

“Mom-“ you rubbed your eyes half asleep. An ache in your back that wouldn’t go away, your feet as swollen as can be.

“Mom…I don’t think I can today…really”

“Ah ah, honey. Now you know you don’t get to make those decisions.”

“Mom, please it’s not an excuse” she unexpectedly leaned over you with a look you knew you couldn’t dare answer back to.

“Get up and get yourself ready, today you’re working with Joel. Nobody told you to get pregnant” she left the room slamming the door shut expecting to see you outside very soon.

Of course today you would be working with Joel, how much worse could the day get?

Waddling to the room Joel was in, you saw him already stacking boxes. More cans of food had come in and needed proper organizing the way your mother liked. Joel turned not expecting to see you and instantly noticed you didn’t look right.

“What are you doin’ here?”

“I’m here to help you” you shrugged as you walked around the table towards the boxes beside him until he took a step in front of the them blocking your way.

“Oh no you ain’t, you better get back to bed. Now”

“Joel, I can’t”

“Why the hell not?” You could see the frustration clear on his face.

“My mother-“ before you could finish your sentence Joel cursed under his breath looking away.

“Look, you don’t know her. I can’t just ignore her and go to bed-“

“Then I’m gonna say somethin’”

“No!” You screamed.

“You don’t know what that would do to me, please” you whispered desperately. Joel could see the fear you felt and as much as he didn’t want to listen to you, he did.

“Fine” he grabbed a chair placing it beside him.

“You’re gonna sit right here and not do a damn thing” you sighed and gave in. Sitting down sounded like absolute heaven.

Joel watched as you sat in the chair and leaned your head back taking a deep breath with your hands on your belly. A black tank top fixed tightly around your belly as it poked out beneath.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, just exhausted. I’m barely sleeping”

“Should be on bed rest not no damn heavy liftin’-“

“What the hell is going on here?” Your mother walked in to see you sitting back comfortably.

“Mom-“ you tried to sit up.

“It was me, I told her to sit down. She shouldn’t be out here”

“And who the hell are you to think you could tell her what to do?” In that moment Joel so badly wanted to tell her who the hell he was.

“I’m sorry mom, I just-“

“I don’t wanna hear a word. You can help Victor take crates off the truck-“

“Ya gotta be kiddin’ me” Joel uttered making your mother turn to him.

“There a problem, Joel?”

“No” you quickly answered for him but he had enough.

“She’s eight months pregnant, you’re gonna send her into a damn early labor-“

“Oh please, Joel. I did more work when I was pregnant with her than she’s doing now” Marlene rolled her eyes.

“The world ain’t like it was back then, she don’t have proper care, she don’t have a doctor-“

“We have a doctor here and he’s made clear she’s perfectly healthy and capable to do her part.” She turned to you with a threatening glare.

“Let’s go.”

Silently you walked past Joel obeying your mother. He watched in frustration knowing there was nothing he could do, not yet at least.

You knew your mother had lied to him, never had you been approved by any doctor to do any of this amount of work while pregnant. If anything the ‘doctor’ who saw you recommended for you to be on bed rest. You knew your mother knew how weak you had been lately. Something she purposely chose to ignore.

It had been almost an hour packing up the truck with Victor. Your back in unbearable pain, your ankles swollen as Victor handed you a box ordering for you to bring it inside. With a sigh you took hold of it and did as he asked.

Walking down the hall you passed the room Joel was in, his eyes unexpectedly meeting yours as you walked past the door.

“Hey-“ he ran up behind you as you took a deep breath. His hand taking hold of your arm and gently turning you to him, seeing how exhausted you look he brushed his hand over his face in frustration.

“Jesus Christ…look at you”

“I have to take this to the back-“ he took the box from your hands and put it on the ground not caring about what task needed to be done.

“Enough is enough with all of this already-“

“Joel” you whispered shaking your head.

“If you ain’t sayin’ somethin’ I will-“

“No!” Your eyes widened.

“Look, I don’t give a shit who your mother thinks she is. I ain’t gonna sit back and watch what she’s doin’ to you and my baby” his words leaving you speechless.

‘My baby’

This was actually happening, you were pregnant with Joel’s child. Your lips opened to speak but before any sound came out an overwhelming sharp pain struck you making you lean against the wall with a gasp. Joel’s eyes were instantly filled with concern as he moved in your direction.

“What’s wrong? What is it?” He asked eagerly. You shook your head taking a deep breath.

“I don’t know” the pain slowly subsiding.

“It’s fine, I’m fine. It stopped” you breathed in relief.

“No it ain’t fine, what if you’re goin’ inta labor or somethin’”

“I’m not going into labor, Joel. Look I know you’re worried about me but I’m fine. Now let me just-“

“I’ll take the box. Go lay down” you knew he wouldn’t accept any other response and so you quietly nodded and walked away.

The next few days Joel had Ellie stay close by your side making sure you weren’t over working yourself. Anything Ellie could do to make a task easier for you she would do when your mother wasn’t watching.

“Ellie, you really don’t have to help” you assured her.

“But I want to” she responded confidently.

“Yes but it’s not your job, you’re a child, Ellie”

“And you’re pregnant. Joel’s right, this is too much for you-“

“Joel?” You squinted your eyes at her.

“He’s the one who put you up to this?”

“Uh, no, uh I mean..he’s just worried.” she tried to explain.

“Don’t tell him I told you…please”

You sighed and assured her you wouldn’t tell him a thing as much as you wanted to.

“Well, let me check what needs to be done outside.”

As Ellie and you walked together, Joel watched from afar. Relieved that Ellie was beside you yet still wanting to stay close by.

Ellie and you laughed together before being interrupted by your mother walking towards you.

“I’m assuming all your projects are finished since you have time to take a stroll and laugh” she stopped before you crossing her arms. God your mom could really be such a bitch at times.

“I did finish most, I just was taking a minute-“

“We don’t have time for you to take a minute” she rose her voice making Joel look up.

“Mom, I’ve been working all morning-“

“And you’re still not finished. Get back to work” she began to walk away as you sighed and rolled your eyes.

“See what I mean” you whispered to Ellie making your mother turn back to you.

“What was that?” Before you could even say a word, your mother yanked you by your arm making you turn towards her, Joel immediately stopped what he was doing.

“Marlene..” Ellie spoke hesitantly.

“Go ahead, tell me what you’re mumbling on about” she continued.

“Mom, I don’t know what else to do. You have a problem with anything I do or don’t do, you’re being ridiculous-“ Marlene unexpectedly smacked you making you gasp. Just as Joel was ready to head to you Victor stopped him blocking his way.

“You gotta let them be, don’t get in the middle of that” Joel shoved Victors hands off him and walked to you ignoring his calls.

Marlene turned to see Joel pacing her way with a clear look of anger.

“What the hell do you want?”

“Joel-“ you whispered but he wouldn’t look your way.

“Joel, I suggest you mind your business this has nothing to do with you”

“But it does” Joel responded low.

Marlene furrowed her brows placing a hand on her hip as she took a step towards him.

“And how on earth would that be?”

Joel took a deep breath swallowing hard before his eyes turned to you and that’s when it hit her…

“Oh my God….” Your mother whispered.

“Mom-“

“You mean to tell me you…you did this.”

“Mom-“

“So this is why you’re here now? Is this your way to ‘help her’ after leaving her the way you did? Got what you wanted from her and you were on your way huh?”

“It wasn’t like that” his nostrils flared as he spoke before your mother continued.

“Joel” you attempted to speak again but neither listened. Ellie standing beside you noticing something seemed off with you. She watched as you slightly stumbled to the side with a wince.

“Hey guys” Ellie tried to catch their attention but once your mother began going off it was hard to get her to stop.

“I ain’t the one mistreatin’ her while she’s got a damn baby growin’-“

“Oh screw you, Joel!”

“Guys!” Ellie yelled making them both look your way. Joel’s face instantly changed when he noticed your discomfort and rushed to you.

“Hey, look at me” he tilted your face up to him as you winced.

“It’s the same pain as before, I don’t know what’s-“

“She’s being dramatic” your mother could be heard mumbling in the background.

“She’s been doing this for the past few days”

“And you didn’t think to stop pushin’ her so damn much?” Joel yelled looking back at her.

“She just does this to get out of work and-“

“Oh God I think my water broke!” Joel’s face turned pale as he looked down and noticed the clear liquid running down your legs.

“Shit-“ he whispered as you grabbed onto his jacket. Ellie looked at you in shock. Your mother could be heard saying things that you couldn’t make out. Joel stared down at you giving his all not to panic as pain slowly began to build within you.

“I’m takin’ you to Jackson”

“Excuse me?” Your mother spoke loudly as Joel lifted you up in his arms.

“She’s comin’ with me and so is she” he motioned toward Ellie as Joel walked past Marlene.

“Like hell they are” she yelled out following him as he got into his truck, sitting you in the back.

“Ellie stay next to her” he moved quickly as he got into the drivers seat as Marlene ran to his door. You could barely speak as the pain escalated.

“You can’t do this”

“I already am” he slammed the door shut before speeding off.

Thankfully Jackson wasn’t far from where your mother now was. It didn’t matter to you, you didn’t want to be near your mother any longer.

“How she doin’ back there, Ellie?” Before she could respond you suddenly wailed as you felt pain like you had never felt before. Ellie raised her brows unsure of what to do as Joel sped as fast as he could.

“We’re almost there, baby I promise” he looked up at the rear view mirror and could see you in agony as tears streamed down your face. His hands tightening on the steering as focused on getting you to Jackson as fast as he could. Your screams growing louder as Joel cursed at himself hearing the panic in your voice.

“It’s hurts so bad” you cried.

“I know it hurts, baby, I know-“ Joel tried not to panic. He tried his best to remain calm for you.

Finally arriving to where Tommy would be Joel quickly jumped out of the truck and opened the back door. Carrying you out with Ellie beside him he ran to the entrance screaming for the door to be opened.

“Tommy!” He yelled running inside making his brother look up.

“Holy shit..” Tommy whispered before running towards Joel to help him. Tommy led them to a room and quickly helped Joel lay you down as he realized what was going on.

“Please help me, Tommy” his brother could hear the desperation in his voice, he could see the desperation in his eyes.

“Here, I got her” Tommy’s girlfriend Maria walked in and proceeded to help you remove your pants as Ellie quickly covered you with a blanket. Maria proceeded to explain that she would check where the baby was, a slight relief feeling that you were with someone who seemed to know what they were doing. Joel quickly went around the bed pulling Tommy aside not wanting you to hear what they spoke of.

“They’re gonna be comin’”

“Who?” Tommy’s brows furrowed.

“Marlene…all of them-“

“Guys she’s crowning” Maria announced loudly making both men quickly turn to you.

“What does that mean?” You cried as Joel rushed to your side.

“That means the baby’s coming now” he explained taking your hand as you shook your head.

“It’s not suppose to! Not yet!” Joel could see the fear you felt, the shock in your eyes.

“You can do this, I’m right here” he spoke with genuine reassurance.

“Alright, on a count of three I want you to push really hard ok?” Maria instructed. Anxiously you nodded and proceeded to do as she told you once she asked you to push. The pain was like nothing you had ever imagined, the agony you felt you wanted so badly to be done.

Just ten minutes of pushing exhausted you when Maria finally yelled that the head was out. Your body weakly leaning to the side against Joel as you struggled to find strength to continue.

“Come on, one more push ok?” Joel whispered as he held one leg while Ellie held the other. Tommy standing behind Joel watching everything unravel so quickly when suddenly a baby’s cry’s made everyone silent.

In shock you looked down at the baby in Maria’s hands as she looked up at you with a smile.

“You have yourself a boy”

Gently cleaning him off she wrapped him up in a blanket and lay him on your chest.

“Oh my God…” you whispered looking down at your baby who quickly calmed down once you held him against you. Joel had tears filled in his eyes as he looked down at him, his hand gently covering yours. You felt his hand shaking making you look over at him. In that moment it felt like it was only the three of you in that room. Joel slowly looked up at you and with eyes so sincere began to speak..

“I promise you I won’t let nothin’ happen to our son or you.. I’m sorry for the way things happened, it was never my plan” he whispered. Quietly you nodded as a tear rolled down your cheek.

“My mom-“

“I’ll deal with her” he assured you before pressing his lips to your forehead and staying close to you both..

Everyday felt like a strict rule book you had to follow. Chore after chore, rule after rule, your mother Marlene didn’t play any games and you sure as hell didn’t get a special pass just because you were her daughter.

If anything she expected the most from you.

You hated it.

Today was a little bit easier, she had left to do God knows what. All you cared about was that you finally had a break from her.

Sitting in a room by yourself organizing extra food that was found and placing them in boxes you were startled when Joel Miller practically ran into the room a sweaty mess.

“Where is she?!”

It wasn’t often when you would see Joel but you’d be lying if you didn’t enjoy the times you did.

“My mom? She’s not here, are you ok?” You walked around the table towards him to see there was blood on his shirt. Something was obviously wrong, Joel wasn’t expected back for another few days.

“I’m fine” he responded in frustration.

“You’re bleeding” he looked down at where you looked and noticed he had been cut down his forearm.

“It’s nothin-“

“Let me take a look” you insisted. He watched as you gently lifted up his arm taking a better look at his wound.

“Where’s your mother?”

“She should be back any minute” you reached over for the first aid kit.

“That ain’t gonna be necessary darlin’ I’m in a rush”

“It is absolutely necessary unless you want an infection” you proceeded to clean up his wound as your mother walked in.

“The hell are you doing back so soon?” She instantly raised a brow watching as you wrapped up his wrist.

“You, you sent me to the wrong place. Ain’t no damn car where I went to-“

“Can’t be” she responded confused pulling out a map she had in her back pocket to go over the route.

“Shit” she whispered realizing she indeed did send Joel the wrong route.

“Okay, all done” you pulled his sleeve back down as he looked down at you and gave you a nod.

“This has to be it” Marlene circled an area with a marker.

“Ya sure, I ain’t got time to be playin’ games. It’s either there or it ain’t” Joel responded clearly frustrated making you look down. Your mother never responded too well with someone speaking down to her. Marlene snatched the map off the table and turned to Joel slamming the paper to his chest.

“I’m sure” she spoke with a threatening tone.

“Mom-“ you whispered before she turned back to you with a threatening glare.

“Y/n don’t you have more things to do than to patch up a cut. Let’s go, things aren’t gonna get done themselves.” Joel watched as you silently nodded. Just as you attempted to walk past them your mother stopped you by your arm.

“You don’t stop working unless I say, you understand?”

“She was just helpin’ me” Joel attempted to defend you. No one had ever attempted to stand up against your mother.

“She is my daughter and she does as I say” she responded without bothering to look back at him. Silently you nodded and left the room.

You hated how controlling your mother could be, you hated what little freedom you had. She treated you like you were twelve although you were twenty-one. She never had respect for your ideas or opinions and simply looked at you as another worker.

Working in another room you carried heavy boxes to the top shelf, you hadn’t noticed Joel stood in the doorway. Making sure your mother was nowhere near he looked back before stepping inside.

“Thanks for before” you gasped at the sudden sound of his voice before turning to him.

“Oh. It was nothing” you smiled at him as you picked up another box from the floor, this one seemed much heavier. Tip toeing to place it on the shelf Joel unexpectedly grabbed the box standing behind you and put it on the shelf you were attempting to reach.

“Thank you” you turned back to see him grabbing the last two boxes making you quickly look to see if your mother was around.

“Um, it’s ok. I can get those” you assured him.

“What she gonna do? Stop me from helpin’ ya?” He placed each box in its place as you silently watched.

“Thank you, Joel” you smiled as he turned to you.

“Listen, I know it ain’t none of my business but I’ve seen you around long enough to see enough of it. She’s your mother but that don’t give her the right to down talk you like that, honey. It ain’t right” you nodded looking down.

“I know but I have no choice but to deal with it now” you shrugged.

“It’s fine, I’m used to it at this point”

Joel pressed his lips together before silently placing his hand on your shoulder and leaving the room. You watched as he walked out wondering if you’d ever see him again. You knew how much Joel couldn’t stand being there, only came by because he knew it was his only chance to getting a car that would lead him to his brother.

Going on about your regular routine as days went by you continued your work when you heard a man tell your mother Joel had returned and this time with his brother, Tommy.

You smiled with happiness for him, he must’ve been so relieved to find his brother, you wondered what made him come back.

A little while later your mother returned, she remained silent as she wrote something in a book. Curiosity killing you to know why Joel had returned, you hesitantly looked up at her before deciding to speak.

“Joel’s back?”

“Mhm” her tone had a hint of frustration.

“Did he leave already?”

“Unfortunately he won’t until tomorrow”

“But he found his brother, so that’s good news isn’t it?” She looked up at you with a raised brow.

“You know we don’t trust the Millers. Not here”

“Yes but-“

“But nothing- he’s staying until the morning and that’s it. As a matter of fact take them that small box of supplies. Leave it at there door, they are next to Leo’s room” she explained before looking back down at her book. Doing as she said you grabbed the box and made your way to their room.

The door was closed when you arrived, quietly you placed the box in front of their door when suddenly someone opened it. Looking up you looked directly at Joel unexpectedly.

“Hi” you quickly stood up.

“My mom wanted me to leave this for you”

“God that woman is such a bitch, I’d rather be without the damn car and out in the night if it meant I didn’t have to be stuck with her” you heard another man’s voice in the background as he appeared beside Joel.

“This is Tommy” he looked at his brother as he took a deep breath.

“Sorry” Tommy apologized not realizing anyone was around.

“It’s fine, I know how my mother is. Well, this is for the both of you. If you need anything, you know where to find me” you looked at Joel with a polite smile before walking off.

“Sheesh, maybe staying here won’t be too bad after all” Tommy whispered watching you walk as he stood beside Joel who quickly shut the door.

“Damn man, could’ve left it open a little bit longer-“

“Don’t” Joel narrowed his eyes on him.

“What?” Tommy asked before an expression of realization came to him.

“Oh you like her?” Joel quickly turned with irritation ignoring his brother’s question.

“You do, don’t you? Ohhh man and you say I’m always after the younger ones huh” Tommy laughed as Joel opened the box continuing to ignore him.

“Shut up and get some damn sleep” he mumbled under his breath.

After a few hours, Joel was laying down staring at the ceiling. His brother across from him asleep when he heard something just outside his door.

When Joel opened the door he was surprised to find you walking down the hall, he furrowed his brows realizing you were wiping away tears.

“You alright?”

Joel’s voice startling you, you quickly stood up straight and wiped away any other evidence of tears.

“Yes, I’m sorry if I woke you-“

“Ya didn’t” he began to walk towards you.

“Everything ok?” He asked once more.

“Yeah-“ you chuckled slightly embarrassed.

“It’s just, your brother is right, my mother really can be such a bitch-“

“Somethin’ happen?”

“No, just every day usual things.” You sighed.

“I never get a chance to just let it out and I didn’t want her to find me in my room like this so-“ you waved your hands up as you looked up at him. That’s when you noticed the way he was looking at you, intrigued by the way you moved your lips. The look he had making you feel butterflies in your stomach. Why the hell did you have to find Joel attractive of all men?

“For what’s it worth, you’re doin’ a great job here” his response only pulling you to like him more. Maybe it was you being caught up in your emotions, maybe it was your loneliness, but suddenly you did the unthinkable. Grabbing Joel by his shirt you pulled him towards you, you tip toed and planted your lips delicately on his.

Caught off guard, his hands still immediately took hold of your waist before you quickly pulled away.

“I’m sorry-“ you whispered as he looked at your lips in a daze. Too distracted by your embarrassment you brushed your hand through your hair as you took a step back.

“I shouldn’t have done that” you whispered, the man was old enough to be your father, what the hell were you thinking? He didn’t hear your apology, it was as if you had awoken an animal in him and he abruptly pulled you back against him. His tongue pushing through your lips and moving along with yours, you moaned softly against him when you heard a door open. Quickly he pulled you into his room and closed the door. Joel continued kissing you until you felt yourself run into his bed.

It was dark in the room but you knew his brother was there, the thought making you nervous as you pulled your lips away.

“What’s wrong?” he whispered.

“Your brother”

“He’s a heavy sleeper” he kissed your cheek softly, kisses leading down to your neck quickly distracting any thoughts you had. Rolling your eyes back you brushed your fingers through his thick hair feeling him push your pants down. Unbuttoning his shirt you threw his flannel to the side as he quickly pulled his under shirt over his head. Taking your hand he placed it on his bare chest. The tingly sensation you felt in your stomach traveling down to your womanhood was something you had never felt before…not this way at least.

Joel kissed you as he lifted you up on to the bed. Laying yourself back you felt him crawl over you and gently kiss you over your shirt till he reached your collar bone.

“What if-“

“Shh” he whispered as you heard the sound of him unzipping his pants before he placed himself between your legs and pressed himself against your opening. Your lips parting as your hand found his face and brushed along his facial hair. This was the same man you had seen come by for the past two years, the same man who would steal subtle glances at you whenever he could without you realizing. And now he was on top of you, feeling how ready you were for him. Joel eased his way inside you slowly as you felt his body press against yours.

“Oh my god” you whispered.

Never had you had sex with a man without a condom before. The feel of his bare cock thrusting inside you was something new and you didn’t want it to stop. The silhouette of his body above you as he took your legs and placed them on his shoulders. His arms holding him up as he slammed himself into you, grunting loud enough for you to hear. You moaned grabbing onto whatever part of him you could hold as he pushed deeper making sure you felt every inch.

“Joel-“ you whimpered

“Get on top of me” he whispered against your ear. Without giving you a chance to respond Joel let your legs loose and flipped you over. You gasped, your hands falling onto his chest as you felt him prop his legs up. Slowly you began to ride him, his breathing was heavy and deep as you found your rhythm.

“Atta girl” he whispered out of breath. You bounced on him as a moan escaped your lips louder than you meant it to. The sound you made making him grab your hips and ride him harder. The bed squeaking as you both moved as one when he cursed at himself and held himself still.

“Get up-get up-“ his body tensed up as you felt him quickly pull you up with one arm while relieving himself with his free hand.

“Ahh-“ his cum poured out of him by your thighs as he struggled to remain as quiet as he could. Your hand brushing up his chest only sent more shock waves through his body. Joel fell flat back on the bed as you slowly lay beside him. He lay with his eyes closed when he felt you get up from the bed.

“Where ya goin’?” He sat up facing you.

“I can’t stay here” you whispered as you quickly looked for your clothes.

“I’ll see you tomorrow” you assured him as you dressed yourself when Tommy began to groan in his sleep, you quickly kissed Joel and ran out of the room.

Your heart pounding hard in your chest as you tried to look as normal as you could walking down the hall. You couldn’t believe what had just happened. Sleeping with Joel Miller wasn’t something you ever thought would actually happen. Lost in your thoughts you hadn’t noticed your mother walking in your direction down the hall, until she stopped you.

“Where have you been at this time of the night?” She placed her hands on her hips looking down at you.

“I um- I was just making sure all exits were covered. Couldn’t sleep” she looked at you strangely noticing how sweaty you were but didn’t say a word. Silently she nodded her head and walked past you.

Joel sat at the edge of his bed half dressed. Leaning forward he brushed his hand over his face thinking about what he had just done. He knew it wasn’t a smart move, he knew it was best for him to leave in the morning without seeing you, without speaking a word of it although he knew damn well he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

He couldn’t stop thinking about you.

The next morning you woke up eager to see Joel. You knew he was leaving but still you wanted to see him before he left.

Early in the day your mother caught you walking down the hall and stopped you as she usually did to go over the days work.

“I need you to count how many antibiotics we have and organize them.”

“Ok, no problem” you nodded.

“Oh and make sure the Millers didn’t leave anything behind-“ her words making your heart drop.

“What do you mean?” You asked with a puzzled expression.

“Check the room they stayed in, make sure it’s clear”

“They left?” You asked with a little more emotion in your tone than you meant to.

“Mhm, earlier than I expected them to. Get to work, I have a few things to take care of” your mother walked off as you stood there with an ache in your chest you weren’t familiar with.

You felt gutted.

Sure, you knew nothing would come from what happened, yet still you didn’t expect him to take off the way he did.

Organizing the room as your mother asked, you looked at the bed Joel and you had sex on.

You found yourself feeling angry at his sudden absence. Anger that he never said a word.

“Are you finished?” Victor, your mother’s current boy toy stood at the door distracting you from your thoughts.

“Uh yes, I’ll be right there.”

Days turned to weeks and Joel had never returned, not that you really expected him to. He only came by when he and your mother needed to work together on something that would work for them equally.

It had been four days now and you found yourself still with a horrible stomach virus. Throwing up at the most random times of the day, you could barely keep anything down.

All you could do was stay in bed.

“Get up” your mother abruptly walked in pulling the covers off you.

“Mom, I really can’t. I know I’ve been in bed for a few days but I’m so dizzy and-“

“Have you gotten your period?” She asked with a raised brow.

“What? Of course I have-“

“When?”

“It was um- a little over 3 weeks ago” you sat up realizing you couldn’t really remember.

“Get up. Now”

“What are we doing?” You asked as you slowly stood up.

“You’re going to take a pregnancy test”

You sighed rubbing your forehead.

“I really don’t think that’s necessary-“

“Let’s go” she responded in a threatening tone.

Standing in the bathroom with your mother you stood anxiously waiting to look at the stick.

“Ok, times up” your mother crossed her arms patting her elbow nervously as she leaned forward and saw the clear positive sign.

“God dammit!” She yelled making you jump.

“It can’t be” you whispered.

“Who was it? Who the hell did you sleep with?!” Your mother cornered you as you panicked backing into the wall.

“How could you be so stupid?!”

“Mom I-“

“I don’t want to hear it.” She walked out slamming the door shut, leaving you in tears.

Feeling completely alone and terrified you sat on the floor and cried..

Laying in bed you stared at the wall, here you were pregnant with Joel Millers child and you couldn’t even tell him. It was his fault you couldn’t tell him, never appearing again after he slept with you. How convenient that he suddenly no longer needed your mother. This only made you more angry, and ashamed. You regretted so deeply sleeping with him that night…

Five long, lonely months went by as your belly began to show. Your mother as cold as she could be towards you while she made you continue to work around the area. A young girl named Ellie had now joined where you lived, you didn’t know much about her other than the fact that your mother seemed very occupied with her. Your mother never knew this child belonged to Joel Miller and you didn’t want her to know.

Today was like any other day, you went over supplies, writing down inventory and what was needed. Finishing up writing in the book you finally closed it with a deep breath and went off to leave it with your mother.

“Mom, I finished writing the-“ just as you walked in you were met with the last thing you ever expected to see.

Joel Miller speaking with your mother.

You froze at the doorway as Joel looked in your direction and instantly noticed your visible baby bump. His jaw clenching as he thought about the last time he saw you.

“The what?” Your mother caught your attention making you look up at her.

“I finished writing all of our inventory…..may I lay down. I don’t feel too well” you asked your mother without looking at Joel yet you could feel his eyes burning into you.

“Go ahead” she responded as she took the book from you. Quickly you walked out as you felt your heart racing practically beating out of your chest.

Joel didn’t take his eyes off the doorway as you walked out. Your mother distracted going over the information you wrote in the book until she looked up and noticed Joel’s expression.

“I know, shocking isn’t it? Damn girl got pregnant and she doesn’t tell me who the hell knocked her up” Joel quickly turned to her as she laughed sarcastically.

“How far long is she?”

“About six months” Marlene sighed.

Joel gulped looking away, just around the

time he was last here.

“Marlene, they need you down the hall” Victor suddenly appeared at the door making Joel and her look up.

“What is it now?” Marlene walked out leaving Joel to himself. For a moment he stood wondering what his next move should be before he stepped out and looked behind him to see Marlene disappearing into the distance. Slowly he began to walk down the hall, checking each door as he passed when you unexpectedly walked out almost running into him. Softly you gasped before quickly walking away from him as he followed.

“Hey!” He called out to you as you walked faster, opening the door to your room you attempted to let yourself in and close the door shut but before you could, Joel blocked it with his boot.

“What do you want?” You whispered in clear frustration. Joel narrowed his eyes down to your belly then back to your eyes, he knew you were pissed that he left without saying a word.

He knew you were pissed that he suddenly wasn’t coming around as often as he used to.

“Im sorry that I left the way I did”

“You can keep your stupid apology” you snapped.

“Look I know you’re pissed” he leaned in towards you.

“And I know you’re scared, shit ya must’ve been terrified when you first found out and I’m sorry I wasn’t there-“ you chuckled sarcastically looking away.

“I didn’t need you there” you lied through your teeth. Joel tightened his lips together as he took a deep breath, he knew it wasn’t going to be easy trying to get through to you.

“Look, I’m gonna stay here now-“

“Oh no you’re not!”

“Oh yes I am” he took another step towards you.

“No,for what? To make my mother suspicious-“

“I won’t go near you, I’ll just make sure you’re alright. I ain’t leaving knowing you’re pregnant.” Hearing him say it only made it more real for you. You hated how persistent he was, the last thing you needed was your mother wondering why Joel was suddenly so concerned about you. How was he supposed to hide it? Would your mother even allow him to stay?

“My mother might not even want you here”

“Let me worry about that.” He seemed to always have an answer for something.

“How do you even know it’s yours?” Of course you knew it was his, he knew it was his. Yet, you tried to say anything to piss him off enough to leave. Joel stood silent, clearly he didn’t like even the thought of it.

“Why do you have to make this harder than it has to be-“

“Because I don’t need you here, I’ve gone six months perfectly fine without you knowing anything. Leave me alone” you slammed the door in his face holding in your tears. You were angry at him but part of you still wanted him to stay, you needed him to.

Joel walked out angrily towards Tommy who waited for him by the car.

“Change of plans” his words making Tommy raise a brow.

“What cha mean”

“I’m gonna stay here, you go back to Jackson and-“

“Stayin’ here? Why?” Tommy didn’t like the sound of it.

“I got some things I need to take care of-“ just as he spoke Marlene appeared behind him with her arms crossed.

“Where exactly are you staying?” She asked curiously.

“I want to stay here, I can help with whatever it is you need me to do. I won’t be trouble” Marlene squinted her eyes at him as she thought over his offer.

“You know, it might be good having a Miller here. Help keep these boys on track” Joel showed relief that she didn’t give him a problem to stay. Tommy couldn’t help but wonder what the hell would make his brother want to stay here.

A few hours later you came out to see Joel helping some of the guys move boxes from the truck. Your mother coming up beside you as you watched.

“Joel will be here for now, I don’t know what the hell made him want to stay but we could use his skill”

“I thought you didn’t trust him.” You responded softly.

“I don’t. I will keep a close eye on him” your mother walked off as you stood silently thinking how any of this would play out until Joel looked up directly at you. Quickly you turned away as he watched you walk inside.

A few months had passed now as your belly grew…three months to be exact. Due to complications with his case Tommy had not been released yet, Joel would drive you to visit him every week. He only did it because he didn’t want you traveling alone, he never felt his brother deserved it. After todays sonogram you had planned to visit him. You always felt conflicted when going to visit him wishing things were different.

Joel stood beside you as a new doctor entered the room to perform the sonogram.

“Where is Dr.Edwards?” You asked a bit anxious only wanting to be treated by those you were familiar with.

“He had an emergency today so I’ll be taking care of his patients, how are we feeling today?” He asked with a warm smile.

“Good, a lot of kicking” you lay back staring at the ceiling as Joel stood beside you looking down at you. As the months had passed you and Joel had grown very close. You appreciated his time and care for you, you always wished Tommy was more like his older brother. The doctor went and placed the cold gel on your belly and proceeded to move his hand around getting a good look.

“Oh yeah look at that, he’s dancing around in there” the doctor laughed looking at the screen.

“Yes,it’s all especially at bed time” you sighed with a chuckle.

“And he’s a big boy, I could see-“ the doctor continued pointing at the screen.

“He’s going to be tall like daddy” the doctor pointed at Joel beside you. The both of you froze not knowing what to say..

“Um-he-“ you decided to not even bother as the doctor became distracted by the screen and let it be. Joel held back a chuckle as he lightly chewed on his bottom lip.

Every sonogram appointment was bittersweet, you loved seeing your son moving around but it broke your heart that Tommy wasn’t enjoying any of this with you.

“Everything looks great, I’ll see you back in three weeks" the doctor stopped before you and pulled his glasses down to the bridge of his nose looking at you and Joel.

"I assume dad is helping you around the house-“ he looked at Joel making you blush in embarrassment.

“Don’t let her overwork herself, that’s a big boy she’s carrying” he teased before rubbing your shoulder.

“Take care of yourselves” the doctor chuckled as he walked out leaving you and Joel awkwardly alone.

Not knowing what to say you simply allowed Joel to help you off the bed and walked out with him.

“Sorry about that” you suddenly spoke as you walked beside him to his truck.

“For what?”

“The doctor…you know…the dad stuff..” he opened the car door for you with a shrug.

“That don’t bother me, darlin’. I can play along” he winked at you making you look down with a smile.

“Well seriously, I'm so grateful with how helpful you have been with me, Joel…you don’t have to do any of this,”

“Hey…that’s my nephew you’re carrying, course I’m gonna help” he gave you his arm to hold to get in the car and closed the door.

“What would I do without you, Joel” you whispered to yourself watching him walk around the car to the drivers seat. You had no idea the true thoughts going through his mind.

Joel drove beside you looking over at you as you looked out the window. Every week you visited Tommy while carrying his growing son inside of you, and he never seemed appreciative of anything you did. Joel hated seeing it..

“I have the sonograms to give to Tommy so he can see how big our boy is” you smiled looking down at the photos as he peaked at them while driving.

“Do you think he’ll be happy to see?” You looked over at Joel noticing he seemed a bit upset.

“What’s wrong?” He quickly changed his expression and shook his head.

“Nothin’, just trynna get there”

“I’m sorry” you sighed.

“I don’t mean to bore you with all of this baby talk, it’s just-“

“Don’t you apologize honey, ya ain’t borin’ me” he assured you as he drove, finally arriving to the place.

Joel entered with you, standing beside you as you gave your information to see Tommy.

“Uh, Tommy Miller is no longer available for visits until further notice-“

“Excuse me?” Joel took a step forward beside you.

“What? What do you mean?” You asked confused.

“Yesterday evening he was involved in an altercation and lost visiting privileges” the officer explained.

“What?” Your heart beginning to race as anxiety took over and Joel could see it. Something didn’t sound right but what the hell did you know how any of this shit worked.

“What altercation? Is he ok?”

“We have no further information on the situation mam, you will have to call his-“

“No! I would like to see if he’s ok!” You began to scream before feeling Joel delicately pull you away from the window.

“Who can I speak to about this that can give us more information now” Joel asked directly.

“As I told the lady, Sir, you will have to call in the morning-“

“Is he alright?” Joel asked making the officer narrow his eyes on him.

“Please man just give her that…she’s pregnant for Gods sake” the officer took one look at you and gave in.

“He’s fine, he’s the one that did the damage. He has no access to visitors or phone calls until further notice”

“Shit” you whispered in a cry placing your hand on your forehead and turning away.

“Does he know?” You asked hoping maybe there would be a message Tommy had for you.

“Yes he does” the officer responded.

“How long is it gonna be like this?” You quickly asked before leaving.

“Could be a few months, all depends on how he behaves” pressing your lips together you walked out as fast as you could in disbelief.

“Hey” Joel called out to you catching up with you just as you got to the truck.

“Hey, easy-“

“How could he be so stupid!” You screamed slamming your hand on the truck.

“Try to relax-“

“I am six months pregnant, Joel! A few months I can’t see him or speak directly to him? I am due in November! It’s enough he can’t be here..What if-“

“Look at me” Joel unexpectedly grabbed your face.

“I will call tomorrow morning and see what I find out, I need you to stay calm until then. Can ya do that for me?” You sighed and slowly nodded.

“Now let’s go back to my place, dinner on me. Whatever you and little man are in the mood for alright?”

You chuckled softly, Joel was always trying to make you laugh.

“Sounds good” you whispered although he could see the clear concern in your eyes before he helped you in the truck.

The whole ride to his house he watched as you silently cried through the reflection of the window. You wouldn’t turn his way, you wouldn’t speak, he hated Tommy for this. All his brother did was hurt you time after time with no sense of remorse.

Once arriving at the house Sarah greeted you excitedly rubbing your belly with a grin.

“How’s my cousin doing?”

“Good, killing my back” you smiled softly but Sarah could tell you were upset and trying to hide it. Your eyes were puffy, it was obvious you had been crying. Joel ordered dinner and the three of you sat together as you silently ate. Silently he kept looking up at you with concern before Sarah finally spoke.

“So are you staying here tonight?”

Joel eagerly waited for you to respond.

“I think you should” she continued.

“I…-“

“You know, Tommy’s room is just gonna be empty for a while. You could stay there so if you need anything we’ll be close by”

Joel suggested, the thought was tempting yet you felt you were being helped enough to now move in.

“Joel, you’ve done enough for me I can’t-“

“Sarah and I would feel better if you stayed close, with the baby’s due date gettin’ closer and all…” he insisted, you sighed looking down. The idea didn’t sound bad at all yet the thought of staying alone in Tommy’s empty room depressed you.

“I suppose…just for some time”

Joel smiled in relief feeling better with you staying with him.

The days went on and still there was no call from Tommy. Joel trying to get through multiple times would only end up going in circles yet you appreciated how much he tried for you.

Three in the morning and you couldn’t sleep you found yourself standing in the kitchen eating ice cream. Staring into space thinking about the reality of the situation when Joel walked into the kitchen.

“Oh-I’m sorry if I woke you” you looked a bit embarrassed as he shook his head assuring you he had been awake. He stared at you for a moment and couldn’t help but smirk.

“What?” You raised a brow only causing him to chuckle.

“You’re laughing at me?”

“No mam” he quickly shook his head.

His eyes tracing over your swollen belly as you stood in the kitchen barefoot in a night gown eating ice cream out of the container.

“You just…you look beautiful…” your eyes slightly widened not expecting his compliment.

“Oh, well..thank you..”you blushed quickly putting away the ice cream.

“Was just craving some chocolate” you chuckled.

“Did you get your fix?” He asked with a tilt of his head.

“Yes, I think he liked it too” you laughed as you rubbed your belly.

“Stay right there” Joel unexpectedly grabbed something out of the cabinet.

“What?” You whispered as he pulled out a Polaroid camera.

“A picture?” you raised a brow.

“A picture of you pregnant, why not?” You smiled looking down, you realized you hadn’t taken any photos of yourself pregnant. With a silent nod you stood against the wall, holding your belly with a smile. Joel took a step back taking the photo, his eyes still on you as he bought the camera down.

“You think that came out ok?”

“Perfect” he whispered just as you noticeably winced.

“Movin’ a lot?” Joel asked taking a step forward.

“Yes, it’s always around the same time he’s more hyper than others, do you wanna feel?” You stepped forward taking a hold of Joel’s hand and placed it on the spot you usually felt him in. Joel awkwardly stood still as you held his hand, a few seconds passed and you felt the baby moving again.

“Jesus..” he whispered with a smile. Your hand softly placed over his large hand as he continued to feel the baby move.

“He does move a lot” Joel uttered as he looked down at your belly.

“Was Sarah like this when her mother was pregnant?” You noticed his expression slightly change at the mention of Sarah’s mother as he looked up. Slowly releasing his hand he took a step back.

“That’s kind of a blur to me, if I’m being honest. Her mother didn’t enjoy being pregnant, she realized a little too late that it wasn’t something she wanted.” You had never heard what happened to Sarahs mother, nor did you ever ask but you were always curious.

“So….she just left?” You whispered hesitantly as he cleared his throat and leaned back on the counter.

“Mhm”

You raised your brows in silence.

“How old was Sarah when she left?”

“Four months old”

“Oh wow, I’m so sorry, Joel” you responded.

“I ain’t, it was better for Sarah” you nodded in response, you knew he was a great father.

“It’s a shame…” you whispered.

“When a parent doesn’t…doesn’t prioritize their baby..” you swallowed trying to fight back tears.

“Tommy knew what would happen if he started anything there, he knew I wouldn’t be able to see him. He doesn’t care about the risks he takes knowing I’m pregnant” you whispered.

“I shouldn’t be surprised, he’s always been like this. I just…I guess a part of me hoped this would help him change” you quickly wiped away a tear as you cradled your belly.

“How stupid of me to think that it would-“

“Hey, Tommy’s the stupid one” he quickly interrupted.

“I just wanted a happy family with him” you began to cry as Joel took a step forward.

“C’mere” he placed an arm around you, his chin leaning on your head.

“Don’t work yourself up, darlin’. Any man would be stupid to not appreciate you growing a baby for em…be stupid to not want a family with you…” he looked down at you as you looked up into his brown eyes. Gently he wiped your tears away with his thumb when he noticed you looking at his lips. Unexpectedly you tip toed and kissed him, he didn’t move in shock. A second later he kissed you passionately before you abruptly pulled away.

“Oh my god-“ you gasped.

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I-I’m sorry” you quickly ran to your room in shock.

“Wait-“ he called out to you but you didn’t listen.

Closing the door shut, your hand on your lips you couldn’t believe what you had just done.

Tommy’s brother? How could you be so stupid? The feel of guilt heavy in your chest, never had you betrayed Tommy this way.

Joel stood in the kitchen alone replaying in his mind what had just happened. Something he had wanted to do for so long yet didn’t expect in that moment…

The next day you woke up earlier than Joel and planned to take a cab to work. Sarah, who was always an early bird watched on confused as you grabbed your bag before looking at the time.

“Are you gonna wait for dad to take you?” She asked as you rushed to the door.

“No, I start earlier today. I’ll see you later, have a great day” You left the house before Joel’s alarm woke him.

Joel came down the stairs pulling down his shirt expecting to see you having breakfast with Sarah, expecting to speak to you once she left for school.

“Where’s y/n?” He asked curiously as Sarah ate her scrambled eggs.

“She said she started earlier today that she didn’t need the ride” Joel remained silent looking away.

During the early afternoon you had received a call that Tommy would be allowed visits. You didn’t know how to feel, Tommy had cheated on you many times in the past yet this somehow felt worse because he didn’t expect it from you.

Joel had thought about you all day, even calling your cell but never got an answer. Once you returned you hoped Joel wasn’t home yet there he was on the couch beside Sarah waiting for your return. Once you walked through the door he quickly stood up, yet you couldn’t speak. Walking into the kitchen you could hear his steps following behind, before he could say a word you spoke.

“They’re letting Tommy accept visits now” you blurt out making him stop in his tracks. You couldn’t even look him in the eye as you took a deep breath.

“I’m going to see him today-“

“I’ll take you,” Joel responded quickly.

“No, I…you shouldn’t” you whispered.

“I ain’t lettin’ you go out there alone” he took a step forward.

“I been worried about you all damn day, let me take you” he insisted, silently you gave in.

Neither of you said a word as he drove to the prison. Your stomach turning, your heart in your throat as you sat beside Joel waiting to see Tommy.

Confusion wasn’t the word.

Yesterday wasn’t right, you knew it wasn’t…yet you couldn’t get the feel of his damn lips out of your mind. Joel kept looking over at you itching to say something about the night before but he didn’t know how.

“You alright?” He asked with a deep breath.

“I-“

“Look about last night” he quickly interrupted.

“Don’t” you whispered.

“I don’t know what got into me. My hormones, my mind…I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry” you still couldn’t look at him blaming it on anything you could think of.

“Ya don’t gotta apologize” Joel responded, he wanted it more than you knew.

“Just leave it” you shook your head as he pulled into the parking area.

There was Tommy on the other side of the glass in his orange jumpsuit. He looked angry grabbing the phone as you slowly sat before him.

“Tommy-“

“What the hell was so important that you needed to come today” Joel instantly leaned forward beside you like a body guard on watch.

“She was worried about you Tommy”

“Well as you can see I’m fine right? And you,” he looked at Joel.

“Stop giving her damn rides over here” you looked at him in shock.

“You don’t want to see me” you whispered as felt a knot in your throat.

“For what? There’s no point” he bluntly responded. The sound in his voice, the words he used broke your heart. Pressing your lips together you hung up the phone and walked out as Joel looked down at his brother angrily and grabbed the phone.

“You always gotta be an ass huh”

“She’ll get over it” Tommy shrugged.

Joel flared his nostrils taking a deep breath, it was by luck that his brother was behind a glass in that moment.

Joel walked out to find you sitting in the truck looking down. You didn’t move as he got in, he himself not knowing what to say. Joel drove constantly looking over at you to make sure you were ok, you had remained silent staring into space.

“Look, Tommy is-“

“I don’t wanna hear it, I don’t care to” you looked straight ahead as he nodded and respected your wishes.

Walking inside his home you walked quickly to Tommy’s bedroom and decided to pack your belongings. Joel hesitantly following you inside until he noticed you throw your open luggage on the bed.

“What are you doin’?” he asked with furrowed brows as you began to pack.

“Going back home” you whispered without looking up.

“No-why? Look Tommy got nothin’ to do with me wantin’ to help-“

“Forget Tommy!” You screamed unexpectedly.

“I don’t need him” you continued moving back and forth grabbing your belongings from the closet.

“Look, you’re upset right now and I understand-“

“You really don’t understand so leave me alone” Joel pressed his lips together, the thought of you leaving and staying alone towards the end of your pregnancy all because of Tommy didn’t feel right to him.

“Don’t-“ he caught your arm stopping you from packing more clothes away.

“Let go of me, Joel” you whispered.

“No” he could tell you were holding back tears, holding back anger.

“Let go!” You screamed failing to pull your arms back. A part of you not wanting him to let you go but you felt leaving was the smart thing to do. After the kiss…you knew it wasn’t best for you to stay.

“Tommy doesn’t care about me or this baby-“

“Well I do, dammit” he almost yelled.

“Stop it” you shook your head as you began to cry, he wasn’t making this any easier.

“You’re his brother, I am pregnant with his baby and I kissed you and-“

“That’s why you wanna leave?” He whispered leaning closer towards you. The feelings you felt overflowing inside you, resentment and anger towards Tommy…yet safe with Joel. Maybe it was more than just safety with Joel…the kissed you both shared still heavy on your mind...

“I kissed you and-“

“I haven’t stopped thinkin’ about it since it happened” he admitted in a whisper, taking the words right out of your mouth.

“And you still think it’s right for me to stay?”

“I want you to” he insisted just as you both heard the door open and Sarah walked in.

“Dad? What’s going on?” Joel quickly let go of you as Sarah looked at all your stuff on the bed.

“You’re leaving?” She asked with concern.

“I-“

“Please don’t go, I really like when you’re here” Sarah made you smile with her words.

“I’m not going anywhere” you assured her.

“Did you see Uncle Tommy?”

You swallowed anxiously as your smile vanished.

“How about we get ready for dinner” Joel interrupted. She agreed not pushing the topic and left back to the living room.

Sitting at the table in silence Sarah stared back between you and her father. She knew something was off, she knew her father very well.

“So how was everyone’s day?” She asked making you look up.

“Good, how was school?”

“Yeah, how was that test you had?” Her father looked over at her.

“Aced it” she smiled.

“That’s my girl” Joel grinned before continuing to eat his food.

Once dinner was finished your proceeded to get up and collect the dishes.

“I’ll start washing these”

“How about you sit back and put those feet up, I think you’ve done enough today” Joel took the dishes out of your hands and walked to the kitchen. Sarah raised her brows holding in a chuckle.

“My dads not gonna let you lift a finger now that you’re staying here”

“Well, I appreciate that but I can still do things” you assured her before walking to the couch and laying back. Putting your feet up didn’t seem so bad, you sighed feeling the breeze from the window as your eyes began to close and you fell asleep.

An hour later you woke up a little confused not realizing you had fallen asleep. Joel was sitting on the couch beside you reading a book until he heard you move around.

“What time is it?”

“Eight thirty” he responded as you sighed.

“Geez,” Joel quickly stood up as you tried to push yourself up. Slowly he helped you up as you winced feeling an ache in your back.

“You alright?” He asked holding you steady.

“Yeah, I just need to walk” you assured him and slowly made your way to the kitchen rubbing your eyes. Leaning forward on the counter you held your lower back with one hand attempting to stretch your body in a way that would relieve the ache.

“My back has been killing me all day” you arched your back again attempting to relieve pressure when you suddenly felt Joel behind you, his hands pressing into your lower back.

“What are you doing?” You whispered awkwardly.

“Tryna help you”

“No, I don’t think-“ you attempted to turn back but Joel held you in place.

“Stay still, I know what I’m doin’. I promise I ain’t gonna try nothin’” he assured you assuming that was going through your head. Little did he know, it wasn’t the fear of him trying something, it was the thought of enjoying feeling his hands on you.

Leaning forward you closed your eyes as Joel worked his hands throughout your back. He sure did know how to work them, feeling the relief of pressure you moaned softly.

“Oh that feels…wonderful”

Joel smiled watching your body relax, your shoulders calmly drop as he continued to massage you.

He genuinely only wanted to make you feel comfortable knowing you had no one else to help you with this. Feeling you close was just a bonus for him.

“You’re the best” you whispered just as you both heard one of the bedroom doors open.

Sarah came out to see her father massaging your back as you awkwardly turned forward taking a deep breath.

“Hi Sarah”

She smiled as she walked into the kitchen and began to make herself a sandwich.

“I bet uncle Tommy is happy you’re getting help, I can’t imagine how scared he was with you alone” your smile dropped as Joel rubbed the back of his neck.

“Yeah” you responded softly.

Eleven o’clock at night and here you were standing in front of Joel’s front door. Calling his cell with tears in your eyes hoping he would still be awake when thankfully the sound of his voice appeared on the other end.

“Hello”

“Joel? It’s me-“

“What’s wrong? Everything alright?”

“I um- I’m at your front door. I know it’s late but-“ before you could finish your sentence Joel quickly unlocked the door with a look of concern although he already knew why you were there.

“I’m sorry” you hung up your phone as you tried to explain what was going on.

“Tommy got arrested again and they’re not letting him go and-“

“Why didn’t cha call me? It’s late, I woulda gone to get you” he led you inside as you shook your head.

“I know Sarah’s asleep and he didn’t want me to tell you but I didn’t know what else to do” you sighed as you brushed your hands through your hair.

“The hell he do now?” Joel was growing tired of seeing how upset his brother was constantly making you. Every month there was something new that got him in trouble with the law yet he never seemed to learn a lesson.

“He got into a fight and used a knife and-“ you covered your face hiding your tears.

“The guys in the hospital but in critical condition and he’s just out of control-“ you began to hyperventilate.

“Alright, alright take a deep breath. Here take a seat” he grabbed a chair beside him quickly placing it next to you. Wiping your tears away you sat down as Joel sat in front of you leaning forward.

“Hey, look at me” unexpectedly Joel grabbed your hand, his deeps eyes giving you some kind of sense of peace.

“He’s gonna come out like he always does and everything’s gonna be fine, ya hear me? And the second he’s out, I’m gonna beat his ass” Joel tried to get you to laugh, a half a smile appearing on your lips.

“There she is” he whispered, a twinkle in his eyes as he looked into yours.

God, Joel didn’t know what the hell you saw in his brother or more so how the hell Tommy could get a woman like yourself. You seemed to be the complete opposite of him, while he was the trouble making hothead, you were shy, sweet and just trying to get him on the right path.

“I’m gonna call the sitter and you just sit tight, we’ll get goin’ in a few”

“But Tommy didn’t want you to know, he’s gonna get upset with me”

“Listen sugar,” Joel still held your hand in his.

“What Tommy says don’t go when his woman is out alone late at night tryin’ to fix things for him. Don’t worry, I’ll take the heat” he winked at you before getting up and calling Sarah’s babysitter.

The ride to the station had you on edge, reality not exactly feeling like reality in that moment. Tommy knew you were twelve weeks pregnant, yet it didn’t feel like he was taking it seriously. A wave of nausea hitting you making you quickly roll down the window causing Joel to look over at you.

“You alright?”

“Yes” you took a deep breath, you were far from alright.

Once arriving you sat down at a table while Joel stood behind you when Tommy was led into the room. The first sight of Joel and you knew Tommy was pissed, you didn’t even have a chance to defend yourself.

“Tommy-“

“God dammit, I ask you not to do one fucking thing-“

“Tommy she was worried” Joel quickly defended you.

“Besides, you expected her to travel all this way at this time alone? You should know better than that, brother” Tommy looked at you, a glimpse of remorse as he noticed just how upset you were.

“Tommy, this needs to stop” you whispered.

“Look, the guy came at me first-“

“You promised me there would be no more of this” you tried not to cry as Joel silently watched.

“Well I’ll be out of here soon and things will be better-“

“You’re not going anywhere, Miller” a cop walked in through the door with a paper in his hand.

“The man you stabbed just died, you’re looking at a manslaughter charge” you gasped placing your hands on your lips.

“Oh god” you stood up feeling queasy all over again, cold sweats rushing through your body.

“It was self defense!” Tommy yelled angrily as you felt your world spinning.

“God dammit, Tommy” you unexpectedly yelled slamming your hand on the table.

“The hell was I suppose to do?! Be a sucker?!” Tommy yelled back making you almost throw yourself at him until Joel caught you with an arm around your waist pulling you back.

“You selfish prick!” You screamed.

“Oh I’m selfish?! Am I really? Or is it you?!”

Once again angrily you threw a paper at him as Joel pulled you back again. The nerve of him to say all these things knowing the chaos he has caused.

“Go wait in the car” he whispered as Tommy continued to yell angrily.

“Go” Joel repeated before you finally walked out the door crying.

“The hell is wrong with you?” Joel snapped at him once you left.

“Oh please Joel, don’t give me this crap now”

“You got this woman constantly worried about you, tryin’ to help you!” Joel was angry and his brother could see it.

“Yeah well she don’t have to” Tommy shrugged stubbornly.

“She damn well shouldn’t, you sure as hell don’t deserve it” Joel spoke low before walking out leaving Tommy to think over his actions…or at least hoping he would.

Silently getting in the car Joel reached over placing his hand on your thigh. He didn’t have the words but he knew that look, you were fed up. Joel had seen his brother push away many women but with you it was different.

There was silence for some time, you leaned your head on the window as Joel took a deep breath.

“Im sorry my brother can be such an ass sometimes” as he spoke another wave of nausea hitting you, this time worse than before.

“Joel stop the car” you covered your lips with your hand quickly opening the door the second he stopped and ran to the grass.

“Shit” Joel whispered before rushing out beside you. Leaning forward you felt Joel grab your hair out of your face as you struggled to let anything out.

“You alright?” You slowly stood up straight and nodded, wiping your lips with a paper you had.

“Been a rough night” Joel continued, figuring that’s what made you sick before you shook your head.

“Joel….” You sighed figuring you should tell him the truth.

“I’m pregnant” you whispered without looking his way. He stood still for a moment looking at you in disbelief. Joel didn’t understand why in that moment he felt as if he had been punched in the gut.

“Does he know?” He asked low. You quietly nodded.

“God dammit Tommy” Joel whispered looking away, the fact that his brother knew you were pregnant and still let himself get into more trouble pissed him off.

“So he knew this and he asked you to travel here alone this late” Joel shook his head.

“We should get back, incase Sarah wakes up wondering where you are” you walked to the passenger seat not realizing Joel was behind you as you climbed in making sure you could get in safely until you sat down and noticed him beside you.

“I’m ok, Joel. Really” you smiled before he nodded and closed the door. Tommy wasn’t a bad man, but there were many differences in the two. Tommy had his ways of being a gentleman when you least expected it but for Joel, it was an automatic thing without thinking, even more so now knowing you were pregnant. You could already feel the difference in his actions around you the second he found out that you were pregnant. You wished Tommy had been this way with you.

“How far long are you?” Joel asked with his eyes on the road.

“I’m about to be thirteen weeks” your voice cracked making Joel look over at you to find you with tears looking down at your lap.

“Hey, it’s gonna be alright. You ain’t alone in this, you’re family” you appreciated Joels words but the truth hurt too much to ignore.

“Tommy..Tommy didn’t want this…..that’s why I’m the selfish one like he said in there” you wiped away a tear.

“I’m selfish because I want to keep the baby”

Joel frowned looking ahead as his hand tightened on the steering wheel. If his brother was in his face right now it would be Tommy’s face that would be dealing with his tightened fist. Tommy was so lost in his ways he had no idea how lucky he was to have a woman like yourself, how lucky he was to have you as a mother to his child. Tommy took you for granted and this only pissed off Joel. You looked over and noticed him lost in thought, his jaw clenched, you wondered what he was thinking.

“Seems like he’s the selfish one, ain’t he” he uttered low as you looked straight ahead.

“I have an appointment tomorrow-“ Joel quickly looked at you.

“You got someone who could go with you?”

“It was suppose to be Tommy, but of course-“

“I’ll go with ya”

“Joel no, you don’t have to. You have your own life and-“

“Give me a time and I’ll figure it out” you sighed knowing Joel wouldn’t give up, must’ve been a Miller thing.

“It’s at ten in the morning”

“Alright, I’ll pick you up at 9:30 and we go”

You had to admit, having company for this was definitely something you needed, you were now less anxious about the whole thing.

You hadn’t properly slept in days and you could feel your eyes growing heavy, before you knew it you had drifted off to sleep as Joel continued to drive.

“How ya feelin’?” He suddenly asked before looking over and realizing you had fallen asleep. Although he was supposed to drive you home the thought of you alone this upset didn’t sit well with him.

Once arriving to his house Joel carefully carried you out of the car, your head laying against his neck as he carefully made his way in.

“Mr.Miller” the sitter stood up rushing to help him with the door as he came in.

“You go on home, I got it from here. Thank you for coming on such short notice” Joel gave her a nod before walking towards his bedroom.

Gently he lay you down on his bed, your shoes slowly taken off before he slid your legs under the blanket. For just a moment you seemed so peaceful, a soft moan coming from you as you turned your head the opposite way.

“Tommy?” You whispered half asleep.

“Tommy, come to bed” you reached out for his hand as Joel took hold of it and very carefully lay down on the edge of the bed. Moving closer to Joel you lay your hand on his chest and took a deep breath as he delicately placed his hand over yours.

“I love you, Tommy”

Joel sat at the end of the bar, staring down at his drink, eyes glassy with exhaustion. Tommy walked up behind him and clapped a hand against his back.

“Hey, big brother, how’s ya doi—” Tommy stopped short when he saw Joel on the verge of tears, wiping some snot away.

“Whoa—you a’right? What’s happened?” He slid onto the stool beside him, waiting. After a few minutes, Joel finally told him the whole story.

“Joel—” Tommy stared at him in disbelief. “Why the hell would you do that? And let me guess—when she got upset, you told her it was her problem, right?.. God, you’re an asshole.”

Joel didn’t answer. His brother knew him too well.

Tommy shook his head slowly. “So…I take it ya single again, huh?” He motioned for two beers from the bartender. “Joel, what were ya thinking? Why would you listen to those idiots? They’re pricks.”

Joel only shrugged. He had nothing to say for himself. Shame sat heavy in his chest.

A few days earlier…

“What? While she’s asleep? Isn’t that kinda like—ya know?” Joel asked low, brows pinched together more in disbelief than accusation.

“Nah!” the man barked out a laugh. “Katie lets me do it. If I come home late from work or after a night out, I just climb into bed and do what I want. That’s what they’re there for, right?” He let out a booming laugh.

“Come on now, Kev, there’s more to women than what’s between their legs,” another man chimed in. “They’re after our money too, don’t forget.” Kev nudged him with his elbow. “Exactly. Tit for tat. They gotta earn their keep somehow.”

Dylan, another of Joel’s friends, leaned forward. “I buy my girl all these little sexy shirts just so I’ve got easy access to her pussy.”

The conversation had drifted from football into crude sex talk.

You and Joel had only been dating a few weeks. You liked him. He liked you. But his friends were obsessed with the fact that the two of you mostly stuck to missionary.

“Jesu—doesnt that get boring?” Dylan asked, swigging the last of his beer. “Sure, ya see tits, but ya gotta look at her too. That’s why I’d rather take my girl from behind, sometimes, I just don’t wanna look at’er.”

Joel already knew it was wrong to talk about you like this behind your back, but he’d convinced himself it was harmless guy talk.

“Well,” Joel muttered, “I like my girl being present, so…”

“Alright, chief,” Kev said, holding his hands up. “We’re just sayin it’s harmless to try. You seein her tonight?”

Joel nodded. “Yeah. She’s at my place. Sarah’s sleepin over at her friend’s house.”

“There ya go.” Kev grinned. “You slide into bed, move whatever she’s wearin, slip ya dick in easy. Simple. The mess is her problem, am I right, fellas?” A few of the men laughed, clinking bottles and high fiving each other. “She can only wake up and ruin it for ya.”

Joel bit the inside of his cheek, staring down at his beer bottle. Thinking. Deciding.

“Okay,” he muttered finally, nodding more to himself than anyone else. “Okay. When I get home…I’ll do it.” The table erupted in cheers, but Joel still felt something ugly twist in his stomach.

“Joel, honestly,” Dylan said, “women aren’t really game for a fuck anyway, and this way you get what you want and your girl doesn’t even gotta do anything.”

A few hours later, Joel and the others said their goodbyes. Some of them wished him luck before heading off into the night.

Then Joel hailed a cab and went home.

Joel wasn’t heavily drunk, but he swayed slightly as he walked. He’d needed the Dutch courage, hoping to God you’d enjoy this instead of being pissed off or creeped out.

You didn’t wake when he slammed the front door shut.

You didn’t wake when he stumbled loudly up the stairs, tripping over his own boots.

You didn’t even wake when he crashed onto the mattress beside you.

You were fast asleep. A little line of drool had escaped the corner of your mouth, and Joel found himself laughing quietly to himself before he laid on his back.

He turns to press his chest against your back. “I’m here, baby,” he slurred softly against your ear, as though giving you some kind of warning might make this easier. His nose buried into your hair. “God, you smell so good.”

Joel lay behind you, careful not to press too close. He wanted you to know he was there, but he also hoped you’d stay still while he unbuttoned his jeans, dragging the zipper down with shaky hands. His breathing turned heavier. He was already hard just from seeing you asleep in his bed. It never took much with you.

Hell, he always told you that you got him hard just breathing the same air as him.

He shoved his pants down awkwardly. His knee bumped into you, drawing a sleepy little whine from your throat.

Joel froze. Waited.

When you settled again, he exhaled slowly.

Instead of pulling your panties down, he just pushed the fabric aside, nudging himself between your thighs.

“Gonna be gentle,” he whispered. “Real slow, baby.”

You stirred slightly, not fully awake but aware enough to register that Joel was home.

“Joel…?” you mumbled groggily. “What you…?”

Your brows pinched together. Something felt strange. Wrong somehow. But you’d only just woken up, your thoughts were sluggish and unfocused. You were safe in Joel’s bed. Nothing bad was supposed to happen there.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay,” he murmured. “Go back to sleep, baby.”

For a few more minutes, you assumed he was just trying to settle into bed. You felt him shifting behind you, his erection brushing against you now and then, but that wasn’t unusual.

Then you felt it—the unmistakable press of skin against skin.

The damp warmth of precum, the blunt tip of him nudging at your entrance.

Your eyes snapped open. “Joel…what’re you doing?”

“Shh, shh,” he slurred against your ear. “It’s okay, baby. I’ll be done real quick.”

And suddenly it clicked. Your mind crashed into horrified clarity.

No. No, not this.

“Joel, what the fuck?!” You scrambled out of bed so fast the sheets tangled around your legs. Your shirt had ridden up awkwardly, your underwear twisted awkwardly out of place. You yanked everything back into position before wrapping your arms tightly around yourself.

You were shaking. Tears welled instantly.

And Joel?

Joel was still lying there—cock out..now going soft, his clothes dishevelled, staring at you like a deer caught in headlights.

“‘S okay, baby—relax,” he said with a nervous laugh. “Wasn’t gonna make you do anything. I’d do all the work.”

The words made your stomach turn.

“Joel…” Your voice cracked. “Why would you want to try and—rape me?” You were crying properly now, hands covering your face.

That was the moment the alcohol seemed to drain right out of him.

“Wait—no.” Joel stumbled off the bed immediately. “No, no, I’m sorry. I just thought maybe you’d want to, y’know? It’s not a big deal”

You lowered your hands slowly, disbelief written all over your face. “I might’ve wanted to? Not a big deal?” you repeated back to him.

Joel visibly winced hearing his own words out loud. He took a cautious step toward you, but you immediately backed away, grabbing your things and pulling your clothes on with trembling hands.

“Baby, I’m so sorr—”

He reached for your hand but you jerked away instantly. “No. Don’t touch me.” Your voice shook violently. “Just leave me alone.”

You shoved your boots on roughly before standing, flattening your shirt with shaky hands. “Do me a favour, Joel,” you said, tears still spilling down your face. “Don’t call me.”

Joel stared at you, panic finally settling hard into his chest. “What…like ever?” he asked weakly.

“I’ll decide when I wanna talk to you again.” You grabbed your bag from the floor. “Do not call me. Do not text me to check up on me, nothing. Got it?”

Joel nodded silently, looking like a little kid being scolded. “Okay.”

You didn’t look at him again, didn’t hesitate, you walked straight to the door and slammed it hard behind you.

It had been three days since then.

Not one word from you.

Tommy took a slow sip of his beer. No expression. Not a word.

Joel stayed quiet too, watching him carefully.

Then Tommy let out a short chuckle, more disbelief than humour. “Joel—you don’t put your dick in a woman without their fuckin consent.” The words came out sharp. “And don’t gimme that bullshit about bein drunk either. You second guessed it. That means you knew it was wrong.” He drained the rest of his beer and started peeling the label from the bottle.

“So…now what, big brother?” he asked, finally looking over and realising Joel had been staring at him the entire time.

“I’m waiting,” Joel said quietly. “She told me not to call or text, so…I’m waiting. I’ll wait forever if I have to.”

Tommy reached over and gave Joel’s shoulder a gentle pat. “Okay, one: you gotta stop hangin around those idiots—they sound like damn teenagers. Two: yeah, all you can do now is wait. And three…” He pointed the bottle at him. “If she ever does call you again, you are gonna fuckin grovel.”

Joel would do whatever it took for the two of you to have a chance again—even if it was just hearing your voice, spending a little time together . He could do grovelling.

“And for fuck’s sake,” Tommy added, “plan what you’re gonna say. The explanation. ’Cause she’s gonna want one, and she sure as hell ain’t gonna be happy with you, pal.”

Joel nodded slowly. He had to explain how any of this had happened in the first place. The conversations about your sex life. The way he’d let them talk about you. The way he’d made you sound a little prudish.

Yeah. This wasn’t going to go well.

Another two days passed, and still—nothing from you.

Joel was slumped on the couch, half heartedly trying to catch up on paperwork for the site, though he’d been staring at the same page for nearly ten minutes.

Meanwhile, completely unbeknownst to him, you’d just bumped into the other Miller brother across town.

The bell above the coffee shop door jingled, but you barely paid attention. You didn’t even notice who’d walked in until a hand landed gently on your shoulder. You spun around quickly to find Tommy Miller standing there, a knowing look already on his face. Of course he knew what had happened.

“Tommy.” You gave him a small nod.

“Hey,” he said quietly. “How ya doin?”

You let out a short laugh. “Okay, let’s just address the elephant in the coffee shop.” The joke faded as quickly as your smile did. “So…you know, huh? How is he?”

Tommy’s brows lifted slightly. “Wow. Kinda surprised you asked.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “He’s…not good, if I’m bein honest.” You looked down for a second before speaking again. “Is he home? I was gonna stop by. Element of surprise and all that.” There wasn’t any cruelty in your voice. No spite. It just felt like it was now or never.

“Yeah, he’s there.” Tommy hesitated before adding, “Truthfully, sweetheart, I think you should make him wait longer.”

Now it was your turn to raise your brows. “Wow. Harsh. Him bein your brother and all.”

Tommy snorted. “Sweetheart, he may be my brother, but sometimes he’s a damn caveman. And those pals of his? Fuckin imbeciles. Man deserves to sweat a little longer.”

To be fair, you had considered making him wait like a month—just to see if he would.

Childish? Maybe.

“Well,” you said finally, just as the barista called your name, “I wanna hear what he’s got to say.”

You grabbed your coffee from the counter and turned back to Tommy. “Look, I know the second I leave, you’re gonna warn him—and honestly, that’s fine. Just give me a head start.”

A smirk tugged at Tommy’s mouth. “Five minutes,” he agreed. “And sweetheart? Give him hell. Make him uncomfortable. He’ll fuckin hate it.” You laughed, and he pulled you into a hug.

God, he hugged exactly like Joel.

After saying your goodbyes, you headed off toward Joel’s place. Halfway there, your phone buzzed.

Tommy.

Apparently Joel didn’t believe him when he said you were actually on your way over, and somehow the two of them had ended up making a bet.

If you really showed up? You had to flick Joel in the balls.

Gladly.

You walked up onto his porch, quieting your footsteps just a little before knocking firmly on the door.

The second Joel opened it, his mouth parted—ready to say something—but the words were cut off by the sharp flick to his balls. He jerked back with a strangled noise while you brushed past him into the house. “That’s from Tommy,” you said firmly as you headed toward the kitchen.

You left Joel doubled over by the front door as the delayed but very real pain hit him full force. He bent at the waist, one hand braced against the wall while he tried to steady his breathing.

“Okay—” he wheezed painfully, “I deserved that.” You heard him muttering curses under his breath while you calmly set your coffee down on the kitchen counter, leaning against it— crossing your arms, waiting.

Nearly ten minutes passed before Joel finally shuffled into the kitchen. One hand rested on the doorway as he looked at you cautiously, like you might strike him again.

Honestly?

Fair.

You told Joel to sit down in the chair facing you. He walked over slowly, still holding his crotch as he lowered himself into the seat. You couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“I’m gonna talk first. Then you explain yourself. Okay?” You didn’t phrase it like a question. He nodded, eyes dropping to his hands. “No. Look at me.” Your expression made it clear you meant business.

Joel lifted his gaze and complied.

“Right. I’ve time to think. I needed space because I knew I’d end up punching you or something.” You exhaled sharply. “All the anger, the embarrassment, all of it—it’s started to fade. I’m not saying what you did was okay, but…it’s not as bad as I made it out to be.”

Joel shot to his feet immediately, waving his hands. “Baby, no. It was all me. You had every fuckin right to be mad. What I did was wrong.”

You scoffed. “Oh, I know that. We’d never talked about stuff like that before, so it was like alarm bells going off in my head.” You sighed heavily. “But that’s that. I’ll forgive you and move on. Pull anything like that again though, and I’ll cut your balls off.”

Joel knew better than to laugh. The night you met, you’d kicked his truck after he nearly knocked you over after running a red light. You’d made an impression back then too—one that taught him very quickly not to mess with you.

“So,” you continued, folding your arms, “what do you have to say for yourself?”

Joel sat back down, rubbing his palms together nervously.

“And I want the whole story. Everything that was said, and who said it.”

He started from the beginning. Said it had begun as harmless banter. Then the others started joking—half joking, really—asking about your sex life, whether missionary was still the only thing “allowed.” Talking about what their wives and girlfriends let them do.

“I never talked crudely about you,” Joel said quickly. “Not once.”

You took a slow sip of your coffee, already preparing your verdict. “Joel, their girlfriends hate it,” you said bluntly. “They feel fucking used half the time. Like their guy just comes home and only wants sex. I was actually really proud that you weren’t like that” You shook your head. “How could you even think I’d be okay with that? Again, since we never talked about it”

Your voice softened slightly, but your stare stayed firm. “I have sex to connect with my partner. Not to be treated like some fucking cum bucket.”

Joel visibly winced at your wording.

“Sure, if those women consent to it, that’s their business. Fine. But why bring it into ours?”

Joel opened his mouth, then shut it again. What could he even say? You were right.

“And hey,” you added with a shrug, “I’m not a prude. I love a good fuck from behind, love sixty nineing—blow jobs in public, but I prefer being face to face with you because you’re fucking good at it.”

Tommy was right—Joel looked completely uncomfortable now. He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans, squirming slightly in his seat. You stepped closer. “Have I made myself clear?”

Joel kept his eyes lowered.

“Answer me, Joel.”

He looked up sheepishly and nodded once.

You cupped a hand around your ear and leaned in. “Can’t hear you, Miller.”

“Y-yes, ma’am.”

“Good.” Your tone came out sharp enough to make him sit straighter. Then your hand softened against his chin, forcing him to look at you properly. “I swear to God, Joel. You pull something like this again—I will rip’em off.” You pressed a quick kiss to the tip of his nose before stepping away to grab your coffee.

“Well. I’m heading home. I’ll call you whenever.”

You walked toward the door, then paused with your hand on the handle. “I hope ya balls feel better.” The door shut softly behind you, leaving Joel staring at it long after you’d gone.

Eventually, he stood and headed upstairs to his bedroom. He unbuttoned his jeans, letting them drop to the floor with his boxers, then sat on the edge of the bed. Christ. He liked you like that. Bossy. Firm—even the threat of you ripping his balls off had gone straight to his dick.. weirdly.

He grabbed his phone, scrolling until he found a topless picture of you sprawled across his bed. His hand wrapped around himself slowly as he stared at the screen, jaw tightening.

A low groan escaped him. He teased himself lazily at first, thumb brushing over the tip while he kept staring at your body on the screen. The pace picked up quickly, his breathing turned rough, sweat gathering at his temples as he chased the feeling hard and fast.

When he finally came, he grit his teeth through it, not caring where the mess landed. His hand slowed gradually, chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.

A few minutes later, still a bit hazy and flushed, Joel reached for his phone again and opened Google..

“kink where the woman is bossy”

FemDom…

Well then.

A few days later…

After the whole…incident, that first night together, Joel had told you to do whatever you wanted. Ask for anything—he was at your disposal. You thought it was strange at first. “Joel, I’ve forgiven you. You don’t have to be all…desperate. No offence.”

Well, that night he got three orgasms out of you with his mouth alone while you were spread out across his bed. Then he told you to get on all fours, finally giving you something you wanted. Being rough was encouraged, spanks were allowed—the harder, the better, you told him. Dirty talk? Sure. But the second he called you a slut or a whore, you stopped. “I ain’t no julia Roberts.” You joked.

“How is it that talking about what’s allowed is a fuckin turn on?” Joel muttered between kisses trailing up your back. “I don’t know,” you said, glancing over your shoulder. “Think of it like a prequel, maybe?”

Joel kicked off his boxers, the damp patch obvious for all to see.

“Hand ’em over.” You held your hand out behind you. He never questioned you—never would now. He passed them over, and you held them against your face with a dramatic inhale. “It fuels me, baby. Proper man musk.” You tossed them aside while Joel stroked himself a few times, his other hand sliding between your thighs to circle your clit.

“This what you want, baby?”

Your back arched instantly. “Mhm.” You bit your lip as he smacked your ass hard.

“Can’t hear ya, darlin.”

“Yes, it’s what I want—fuck.”

Your hips bucked against his hand. You felt it retreat, replaced by the swollen tip of him, already slick with precum. “Good girl.”

He pushed into you slowly, making you gasp and clutch at the sheets. “Fuuuckin hell,” you stuttered as he bottomed out with one deep thrust.

“Gonna just take it, aren’t ya, baby?” He kissed your cheek, nibbled at your ear while you tried to adjust around him, tiny whines slipping free. The fucker didn’t wait. He started thrusting slowly, dragging himself against your walls with every movement, groaning against your ear.

You gasped again, gripping the sheets tighter as your head dipped forward. His pace grew rougher, Joel’s hands guiding you lower while one slid up the curve of your spine as he straightened up. Your cheek pressed into the mattress, the angle suddenly deeper—more intense.

Every thrust felt brutal in the best way, punching the breath from your lungs. You clenched around him, muffling your sounds into the sheets.

“Ah, my baby likes that, huh?”

His pace quickened, every thrust pushing you further up the bed. He leaned over, gripping the roots of your hair to pull your body upright, forcing your back into a deeper arch.

The pace turned punishing. One hand stayed tight on your hip while the other slipped down to your already tender clit, circling it relentlessly.

“I’m gonna cum, baby—need ya with me, yeah?”

Your whole body tightened at the edge. Joel’s rhythm faltered, rough breaths spilling through gritted teeth while he chased it with you.

“My baby’s doin so well,” he rasped against your ear. “Takin it like a good girl.”

He kissed your cheek and stayed there, breathing heavily against your skin while your body spasmed around him. Joel followed with a strangled groan.

“Fuck—fuuuck. Shit.”

His grip bruised against your hip as he thrust into you a few more times before bottoming out completely, staying there.

“Fuckin hell, baby. That was—fuck.”

You collapsed onto the bed, dragging him down with you. His weight pressed warmly against your back, and you welcomed every bit of it.

Joel eventually got up to grab towels because there was…a lot of mess.

“Shows we had a good time, huh, baby?” he laughed softly while wiping down your trembling thighs. “You okay there?”

“Mhm,” was all you could manage.

When he finished cleaning you up, he climbed back into bed and pulled you into him, tucking you against his chest.

You looked up at him lazily. “Considering you said it was whatever I wanted, you were at my disposal …you kinda took over there.”

A grin tugged at your lips. “I liked it.”

@saralovesjoelmiller

I know I originally and usually use x reader or x you but I have received DMs and asks telling me I shouldn't tag it so, since my characters usually have a name.

WARNINGS: Enemy to Lovers, Secrets, Misunderstanding, Jealousy, Fluff, Pining, Loneliness, Helicopter Parenting, OverProtective Dad, More to add as story moves on.

MASTER LIST

Disclaimer - I don't beta my work, and English is not my first language, so sorry if there are errors. Also, I know I said 14th June. I have zero self control. Sorry.

There was a weird taste in your mouth. Metal? Salted metal? Your head felt the heaviest it had ever felt.

Oh God that hurts. Why was your head throbbing?

You could feel the carpet on your face. You were face down, you think?

What happened? Why was it so quiet in here? Aside from the ringing in your ears, you couldn’t hear anything else.

You opened your eyes, your sight obscured by thick, sticky liquid. And you saw him. Lying face down, head turned towards you, his glassy, unfocused eyes half opened, blood pooling under his belly.

“Eric?” your voice came out weak, putting your arms before you and pulling yourself towards him. “Eric!” you were shaking him, as much as you could with your limited energy. “Honey, wake up!”

Nothing.

You finally placed your bloody fingers on his pulse point.

Nothing. Oh God. Oh God. No, no, no, no, no…

You looked around you, looking for your phone through the mess that was your living room. Your eyes swept through the turned over coffee table, the dining chairs, the holes in the wall, your former front door now half-off its hinges, the broken glass all over the floor, Where was it? Where did you last see it? You needed to call the cops. An ambulance. Someone.

And then you saw it. His gun. Just there… on the floor.

“Mama?”

Ellie.

Just like that, you shot up from your face down position, blood trickling from your temple.

“Ellie! Ellie sweetie? Where are you?” you were screaming, but all that came out were croaks.

By some miracle you managed to pull yourself up, your wrist and shoulder screaming in protest, eyes frantically searching for your daughter.

“Mama?” your sweet little girl’s voice came ringing out once more, followed by the sounds of the kitchen cabinet door opening. Your sweet little girl crawled you’re your phone in her hand. “Mama are you okay? You didn’t wake up! I shake you but you didn’t wake up!”

“Oh sweetie, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”

“Is Papa okay? He won’t wake up too… like you…”

You somehow managed to reach your daughter, taking her into your arms, hugging the life out of her, making sure your body was between her and Eric. She shouldn’t see him like that.

“I’m okay sweetie. I’m okay,” you assured her in what sounded like a harsh whisper, pulling back to take a look at her, and your heart dropped.

There was a cut in her eyebrow, blood trickling down her beautiful, tear-streaked, fearful little face.

You placed your shaky fingers next to the cut, not daring to touch it, as she did the same to your much bigger cut on your temple.

“I hide under the sink Mama. I’m sorry I hide.”

“No, sweetie, I told you to hide, remember? You were supposed to hide. You did what I asked you to do. You did the right thing. I’m not mad at you sweetie.”

Fuck, why was your voice coming out like that?

The sounds of sirens came barrelling down the street, louder and louder, closer and closer. Before long there were armed police at your door, guns drawn out, warning you and your five year old daughter that they were coming in.

Officer Anderson, your husband’s partner, came in after the first two police officers, checking Eric’s pulse. She radioed the paramedics to come in, “Officer down!” she practically screamed, turning his body around and starting CPR on him. Two paramedics came in, taking over from her as she stood and watched, panicked.

The other officers searched the whole apartment, room by room, and once they deemed the place secured, they lowered their weapons, and someone came to you and Ellie, asking if the two of you were okay.

But… how? You hadn’t called them. You were looking for your phone to call.

“Did you call the police sweetie?” you asked your daughter. She shook her head.

“Officer Williams called us himself, ma’am, reporting the home invasion. We are gonna take you to the hospital for your injuries, but we’re gonna need you to answer some questions, okay?”

Your husband’s partner came over, whispering something to one of the officers, her face both sad and angry at the same time. She couldn’t look at you and Ellie. You could see the tears in her eyes. The officers’ faces fell, their heads down.

Oh God. No.

You thought it. Especially given the fact that his eyes were open, that there was no pulse, that the amount of blood underneath him could have very well emptied him, but you found yourself not ready for it to be confirmed.

The officer came and took a knee in front of you and your daughter, a crestfallen look on his face.

“Mrs Williams, technically we have to wait for the doctors to announce this officially, but I’m very sorry to inform you that your husband, Officer Eric Williams…”

You couldn’t focus anymore. You held your baby as tightly as you could, trying to calm your little girl who couldn’t quite comprehend what the officer was saying, your tears falling thick and fast down your cheeks.

“Sarah?” Joel knocked softly on her very pink, slightly opened door, the massive butterfly wings she had insisted he hang on it for her flapping as he did. “Wake up Baby Girl, it’s your first day of school,” he cooed, pushing the door open, his face immediately bathed by the slowly revolving tiny little pink and purple butterfly shapes that was her nightlight.

“Baby Girl?” he whispered, placing his large hand on her tiny shoulder, shaking it a little.

“No…” she moaned, turning over, yawning, stretching, before settling back into a much desired sleep.

Joel huffed a small laugh, sitting at the edge of the bed, “Hey, come on, you were very excited last night! Couldn’t stop talking about it! Wakey-wakey! Are we going to wake up or do we need a tickle?” he threatened.

“No Daddy no tickle! No!!!” she squealed as his fingers began tickling her middle, her little legs kicking the blanket away from trying to get her beloved Daddy from tickling her. She got a bit too excited and her little heel accidentally caught him by his jaw, to which Joel howled in pain, holding his jaw and burying his face in his daughter’s pillow, pretending to cry.

Sarah stopped kicking, immediately sitting up.

“Daddy?” her little voice squeaked, “Daddy I’m sorry. Daddy?” she tried to take his hand from his jaw, eager to coax her crying Daddy. “I kiss it better, okay? Move your hand Daddy, I kiss it better for you,” she tried, using all her might to pull his hand off his jaw. She finally managed to. So she lay down next to him and tried to kiss his jaw better, only to be surprised by a jokey roar and a face full of scratchy kisses.

“No Daddy! It’s scratchy! You’re smelly Daddy!” she squealed, pushing her Daddy’s face away, mildly repulsed by her Daddy’s morning breath, forgetting she had one too.

“Then let’s get up and brush our teeth and get ready for school, okay?” he mumbled, hugging her little body in his arms, taking deep, deep breaths of the top of her head in the process.

Sarah insisted that a big girl like herself can brush her teeth herself, can shower herself too. Go Daddy, go brush your teeth and shower. You stinky Daddy.

Well, thank you very much, young lady.

Joel couldn’t help himself from leaving the bathroom door open a little as he let his ‘big girl’ shower by herself. He laid the clothes she had chosen the night before for her on her now neatly made bed, all in order she would need to put them on. She had stood over him the night before with her hands on her waist and nagged him about that little habit of his. “Leave the clothes Daddy. Don’t put them on my bed. I big girl now,” she had insisted, she didn’t need him to lay her clothes out for her like she’s five.

Okay, Little Lady.

But Joel couldn’t help himself. His daughter, the love of his life was going to Kindergarten today, and there was nothing he could do about it.

If it were up to him alone, Sarah would be locked in a safe with bubble wraps around her, in a highly secure house with the highest level of security he could afford.

And before you ask, yeah, she would need a chastity belt at some point. Deter them horny boys from harming his precious little girl.

He actually considered homeschooling her. But Tommy had kindly reminded him that it took him 12 years to finally read the analogue clock correctly. The heck was he going to teach Sarah if he couldn’t do it himself? So yeah, she had to go to school so she could grow up and be someone, go to college and have a great job. She was never going to get her back broken, her body aching from hard work, her clothes soiled and her hands dirty to make a living, unlike him. He would do anything to make sure of that.

But it meant that she will be out there with the other children, day in and day out. People will see her.

And the last thing he wanted was for her to be laughed at for feeling like wearing mismatched outfits on her first day of school.

He was worried for her. Not just for her safety but also how the other children would treat her. What if she got bullied? Children can be cruel, and Sarah was a girl without a mother. He was all she had. He had planned on sending Sarah to daycare as soon as she could walk, but his fear for her safety stopped him. So he had kept her as close as he could to him, only dropping her off at the Adler’s next door whenever he had some extra job he had to do. And the only reason he would take any extra job was Sarah.

He would do anything for Sarah. He will always do anything for Sarah.

He promised Daisy he would.

Joel remembered that day as if it was yesterday, easily the best and worst day of his life. He was holding his Baby Girl in his left arm, holding Daisy’s head in his right, both their eyes glistening, both deliriously happy, feeling so complete. They were at the top of the world. Nothing could ever bring them down now.

Three minutes and twelve seconds.

That’s all his darling wife got for a chance to lay her eyes on perfect baby Sarah after carrying her for nine months and three days. Joel was just about to hand Sarah back over to the nurse when Daisy grabbed his arm and looked him straight in the eyes.

She looked so pale, so tired, yet so happy, so content. She smiled that smile he loved so much, caressed Sarah’s cheek as well as his own, and whispered the words Joel would never forget for the rest of his life.

“Love her for the both of us, Joel. Love her for the both of us. Promise me.”

And then all the machines started beeping, the nurses took Sarah off his hands as he lost his head, screaming for someone to do something. But his beautiful wife’s eyes closed slowly as her hand caressed his face one last time, falling limply to her side, that smile still on her face as she flatlined.

The haemorrhaging was too severe. She lost too much blood too quickly.

Just like that, Joel lost the love of his life, leaving him a single father at the age of 25.

He had no idea what he was doing.

The months leading up to the birth, Daisy had left him book after pregnancy and parenting book to read on his nightstand, but the pile kept getting higher. He was a labourer back then, working every job he could find so he could make as much as he could to prepare for Sarah’s arrival. He was usually asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, waking up earlier than usual to travel to his work sites.

Daisy was supposed to be the one staying home with Sarah. She was planning on taking a couple of years off work to stay at home with Sarah until she was old enough to go to daycare and make friends.

But that plan had gone to pot.

Unbeknownst to him, Daisy had a life insurance policy, one her late parents had set up for her. Half to go to Sarah’s college fund, the other half for him to start his own business as he had always wanted to do.

That was exactly what he did. He had wanted to have a construction company of his own, but that plan was now moot. He had Sarah. Who was going to keep an eye on her while he worked? So he made do with the next best thing. Something that would still be within his field of expertise but still gave him enough flexibility so he could take care of Sarah.

He opened a DIY store. Sarah had her own crib in his office. The pantry was filled with formula, bottles and baby food. Tommy came and helped a few days a week, his brother in law Eddie and his wife Tess taking Sarah every now and again to give him a break and to let her bond with her one and only cousin, Daniel.

But that was it. That was his village, them and Mrs Adler next door. He trusted no one else. Even Jesse and Dina, his staff who had been working with him since the beginning were only trusted to keep an eye on her for a few minutes at a time, maybe while he was loading stuff or dealing with customers.

So, no. Joel Miller did not like to have his eyes off his little girl. The only reason he felt a bit at ease about sending her to the kindergarten was because Tess was a teacher there, and Daniel would be in the same class as her.

As for his fear that he did not do a good job being both father and mother to the little girl, well… that was something he didn’t even want to think about right now. That can be saved for later.

But none of his own insecurities matter right now.

It’s his Baby Girl’s first day in school. First full day where he will drop her off to be cared for by complete strangers and hope he had done a good enough job to have prepared her for this day.

He fed his daughter her breakfast, scrambled eggs with tablespoon peanut butter today, her request. The little girl devoured her scrambled eggs, picked up her tablespoon peanut butter and merrily walked out the front door while he was still struggling with cutting the crusts off her sandwich. He doesn’t usually do that. But he wasn’t going to send his daughter off to school with crusts on her sandwich like some caveman.

But why was the bread flattening? Why did the pictures of the sandwiches he saw online look all perfect and pretty? Okay, he’ll Google how to make perfect sandwiches later for tomorrow, he thought, adding the now flattened sandwich to the paper bag full of lunch. He picked the bag up, calculating in his mind if it was enough for her morning break and lunch.

PB&J, check.

One French Toast, check.

Two Jell-O cups, check.

Strawberry yoghurt, check.

Apple and orange slices, check.

A scoop of Fruit Loops, check.

A Cracker Stackers Lunchables pack, check.

Cheese sticks, check.

A handful of cashews and raisins, check.

Mini M&Ms bag, check.

Sour sticks, check.

2 juice boxes, check.

She won’t go hungry, right? She’ll make it until 3.30?

Images of his daughter crawling out of the Kindergarten to get to him, all weak and emaciated from hunger kept flashing in his mind.

Okay, maybe just one more pack of Lunchables. You can never be too safe these days.

“Daddy! School!”

“I’m coming, Baby Girl,” he said, tossing an extra apple and a juice box in the bag, now bursting at its seams, her fancy new purple water bottle hanging from his middle finger.

“Oh my God, Joel, are you trying to feed the whole class?” Tess remarked, shocked at the size of the paper bag full of food Joel had thrust into her hand, bigger than Sarah’s actual school bag.

“Well, she might get hungry!”

“Joel, she’ll be fine!”

Joel rubbed his face, looking at his little girl. She was settled in the seat in front of her cousin, now distracted by something Daniel was showing her from his bag.

“Maybe I should stay, in case she needs me.”

Tess introduced him to Sarah’s teacher Miss Lydia.

Joel nodded and smiled but kept getting distracted. Tess finally pulled him away to the side.

“Joel, I know it’s difficult. It’s difficult for me too, remember?”

Joel sighed. Shit. Of course she does.

“I’m sorry,” he said, pulling his sister in law into a hug. “How are you doing?”

Tess shrugged, taking a deep, stuttered breath. “I’m trying to not think about how much Eddie would have wanted to be here, you know? He was talking about coaching little league one day,” she managed to get out, her voice shaky, her fingers swiping at the droplets forming in her eyes. “Daniel, he was asking if his Daddy would be with him in spirit today. He’s excited to be in school, but he’s already asking if we can go to his grave today after school. Didn’t want to go yesterday, wanted to come to school first. He wanted to tell him about his first day,” she wiped her tears off. “So, that’s where I’ll be after school, and there’s a chance I might ask someone else to sit with my class while I sob in the bathroom,” she joked, furiously wiping her eyes once more.

“This morning, he wanted his omelettes the way Eddie used to make, threw a tantrum when it didn’t taste the same. I tried, I really did, but he was just…” she shook her head, scratching her forehead, trying to have something to do with hands.

Joel listened, not really knowing what to say.

Tess scoffed, “Listen to me, complaining about my dead husband not being here. Are you okay? You must be missing Daze today, huh?”

Joel smiled, as much as he could muster anyway. He gave her the smile he gave everyone since the day Sarah was born. People had told him that his genuine smiles were reserved for Sarah now. The smile he used to have for everyone long gone since his wife passed. He was grumpy now, to everyone, save for Sarah. That little girl got the best version of him, as she should.

“It’s not the same Tess, you know that. Sarah didn’t ask me if her Mommy would be here for her, didn’t ask to go visit. We went yesterday, she told her Mommy all about her new bag, her new water bottle and shoes. Didn’t ask about her before bed. We’ll go again this Sunday, as we usually do. Unlike your son with Eddie, Sarah doesn’t remember her Mommy at all. I tell her about Daze, but it’s different, you know? I can’t even imagine, Tess,” he said, rubbing her arm.

Tess laughed, forced, but a laugh, nonetheless. She gave her brother in law a small push on the shoulder.

“Now, go say goodbye to your daughter. I’ll peek every now and again. She’ll be fine, Joel. I promise.”

Joel gave Tess a quick hug, thanking her. He went to Sarah, told her he was leaving now.

“You have fun in school today, okay? I will pick you up after school. If you need anything, you tell Miss Lydia and Auntie Tess, okay?”

Sarah nodded. She raised her hand for him to pick her up for a hug. “You be okay Daddy? You go to work? I see you later?”

Joel hugged her until she squeaked, nodding into her shoulder. Don’t cry, Joel, don’t cry. He gave her a long kiss on her cheek, telling her he loved her.

“I love you too, Daddy,” Sarah cooed back, patting her Daddy on the back.

Joel sat in his truck in the parking lot for a good 30 minutes before wiping his face and leaving, knowing exactly where he was going to go.

You opened your eyes, the room slightly darkened, the cheap curtains you got at the store you will start working at doing their job well. The living room that you were sleeping in was warm enough under the blanket. You relit the stove once when you got up to use the bathroom. Autumn had just started, but the night chill was no joke.

This was alright, you thought. You did feel a bit reluctant to take the cottage. Not because of its state or anything, but it was simply the thought of starting over that made you nervous.

Things have changed after Eric’s passing. You were supposed to go back to work once Ellie was in school, so that part wasn’t a surprise. But you didn’t expect to be alone when that happened. Throughout the journey here, the dollar signs didn’t leave your mind. Rent, bills, food, school… how were you going to do this?

Maria, the sweet friend that she was, had been hosting you and Ellie for the past few days. She helped you get a job at the store though her friend Frank who was a manager there. He in turn introduced you to his husband Bill, who hooked you up with this place.

It was as if the universe aligned and made a path for you and Ellie. It felt like you finally caught a break, you were lucky considering, but things were not going to be easy.

You start work at the store next week. Your pay there would be your main source of income. Your late husband’s pension wasn’t going to pay for a growing girl’s needs on its own. He hadn’t been with the police department very long, so it wasn’t much. But it should help. Eric’s life insurance helped make sure Ellie had a good start to her college fund. You vowed never to touch that money. Not after everything that went down in order for you to get it. But you needed to budget correctly. You needed to build up a saving again.

Maria had taken you and Ellie to the food bank, introduced you around, just so you could have a head start with groceries. You didn’t have much seed money, so that was helpful. The church had given you and Ellie some winter clothes to prepare ahead of time. You didn’t have a winter where you were from, so that was taken care of. Ellie was starting school in a few days, so Maria took her shopping for new clothes today. She pushed your hand away when you tried to give her cash for it, telling you that your money wasn’t good with her. She had actually insisted you and Ellie stay with her until you got back on your feet, but she was a busy, single lady. You didn’t want to encroach on her private space for too long. Plus, she lived in a single bedroom condo, not ideal for your active toddler.

“Here’s the place,” Bill opened the door to the smallest, quaintest looking cottage you had ever seen in real life, just a few days after you arrived in town. “It’s technically for the groundskeeper, who is me, but I already have a place to stay, so I talked to the priest and he said you could stay here for as long as you need, rent free, and the church will pay for the utilities as well. All you have to do in exchange is take care of the place and help out with the upkeep of the cemetery on your free days.”

The cottage was a lot smaller than the small house you and your daughter shared with your late husband, but it’s bigger than a motel room, and you wouldn’t be invading Maria’s privacy much longer, so that’s something. And Ellie would actually have a bedroom of her own. You could just sleep on the couch. Though that looked… dusty, dirty, unstable. The whole place looked it, to be honest. Your footsteps left footprints an inch deep on the floor. It really looked as if no one had stepped foot in there for years.

It’s okay. Beggars can’t be choosers. It’s a free roof over your daughter’s head. You should just be thankful Ellie wouldn’t be sleeping on the streets. She’ll be warm here. And not to mention the room she had to play around, the cottage stood on quite a bit of land.

“The place has been unoccupied for a while, I’ve been doing this job for at least 15 years, and it was supposed to be for me to live in. Usually the caretakers and groundskeepers are people who travelled here for the job, so this cottage comes with the job. But I am from here and I have an established home life, so it’s just been sitting here since I took over. Frank and I will come over this weekend, help you with the clean-up, Maria will come too, I’m sure,” Bill said, the grumpy looking man surprisingly soft and gentle with you. “We have a spare mattress we can give you for the little one, and I’m sure the church could get you a futon or a sofa bed to replace this couch, it doesn’t look the steadiest,” he said, pushing the cushion in with his hand, and the material just about disintegrated. “We’ll have it ready by the time you move in,” he assured you.

“It’s really okay, Bill, this is far too generous already… I can make do…”

“Annie,” Bill gently said, “Just because it’s free, doesn’t mean it has to be subpar. We’ll clean it up. Okay?”

You nodded, taking mental notes on what you would need to get to make the place more comfortable for you and Ellie.

Cleaning supplies. A lot of it. Curtains for privacy. Sheets, blankets, pillows. Pots and pans. Plates, bowls, cutleries. Groceries. Those will have to do for now. Ellie can do her homework on the dining table. You won’t buy furniture. The probability was, you won’t even stay here for long. It wasn’t your place to stay that long at. You weren’t even the actual groundskeeper. And you were raised to never expect too much from people, never take their generosity for granted.

You were going to work hard and find a place of your own as soon as you could. You might have to move on soon anyway. You never know. It’s why you were so eager to save up. Just in case. Doesn’t hurt to have a back up plan. Rainy days, all that.

So far, your new start was great.

When Saturday was over, with the help of Maria, Frank and Bill, the house had been scrubbed clean top to bottom, a new second hand pull out couch placed in the living room, a new-ish mattress put in on Ellie’s bed. The house was sparse, but enough for the two of you. Your daughter will be warm at night. She had a bed to sleep in. She would have hot water to shower with. Electricity to light up her nights. You could cook her a warm meal.

You helped your daughter put all her new stationeries into her bag, a black one you got from the thrift store. There was a pretty pink one, but she didn’t want that one. She was insistent on the black one. Black water bottle too. Black food container. Even the clothes she chose with Maria were black.

You worried about her. She was never a girly girl, there was never a Barbie doll in your house. But this new attraction to the colour black?

Don’t focus too much on that. Don’t.

It’s a coincidence that this new colour was the same colour as the bag her father was carried out of the house in, right?

Your daughter was not traumatized, right?

She was her usual chatty self, with you, with Maria. She didn’t have any problems getting along with Bill and Frank. But in other ways…

You couldn’t afford therapy yet. That, and… other reasons. So for now, you had to make do and pray your daughter was alright. Even if you did live next to the cemetery.

Saw her father carried out of the house in a body bag. Obsession with the colour black. Living next to the cemetery.

She won’t grow up with some morbid fascination with death, right? Right?

You’ll have to worry about that another day. This was all you could afford right now. This’ll do. This’ll have to do.

You slowly peeled yourself away from your daughter’s clutches, the girl leaving the comfort of her bed and joining you in the living room before you even fell asleep. She didn’t budge, tired out from helping Maria clear the garden the day before. They even planted some flower plants that Bill brought over, just a few varieties that would still bloom in early autumn, something to get the place started. She was excited to have a proper garden, she loved that the flowers were coming from the ground instead of a pot, already peeking outside at every opportunity to see if the flowers had grown some more. 

She was far too young to remember the garden at your parents’ place. Eric didn’t have any family, and by the time she was old enough to remember, the three of you were living in an apartment. Not exactly ideal to have a garden. Plus, she didn’t exactly spend that much time outdoors back then.

You made yourself a cup of tea, slowly sipping it by the kitchen window, watching the sun come up. You needed to start with your work at the cemetery today. Just raking the leaves, according to Bill. He would do the heavy lifting but having you help out with the raking on the weekends would help a lot, seeing as weekends are a popular time for visitors to visit their loved ones.

The thought brought shivers to your spine. Autumn time. Raking leaves. It’s a job that will never get done.

But hey, you wouldn’t have to work out, huh? And it’s not like you had anyone to look good for anyway. This job will keep you fit, you can certainly keep up with your daughter, that’s for sure.

“Mama?” you heard your daughter call out, her voice followed by the sounds of frantic scrambling and a small thud on the floor, her little feet running around.

“I’m here sweetie, in the kitchen,” you called out, immediately placing your mug on the small kitchen table and going to get her. You were hardly out of the kitchen before she ran face on into you, her face in your belly, her arms wrapped around your legs as much as they could manage.

“I thought you left…” she started to mumble, her shoulders starting to shake, her voice cracking.

“Hey,” you coaxed, picking her up. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Don’t leave me…” she sobbed, her face buried in your neck.

This was a normal occurrence now. She refused to leave your side. The amount of time you came out of the bathroom to find her right outside was crazy. She followed you around like a little puppy, going so far as to drop whatever she was doing to follow you out of the room to wherever you were going.

God, how were you going to leave her at school tomorrow?

Deep down, you knew this was all to do with Eric’s death. That, and the new place, the new people, it was all a bit much for her. All you could do right now was hope things get better and that she would settle soon. In the meantime, you would be there for her, keep an eye out and look for a therapist for her should she need one again.

After a quick breakfast, you led your daughter out to the cemetery, telling her not to wander off. You didn’t even have to worry about that though, her clinginess followed right out the front door. She was always less than two steps ahead or behind you, using the headstones to practice her reading. She was more than happy to help keep the leaves down once you’ve collected them in one place, sitting on them to prevent the pile from blowing off. She then helped transfer them onto the wheelbarrow, one small handful at a time.

The two of you retired to the cottage for lunch and rest. You helped Ellie repack her bag for school, the little girl surprisingly particular about how her stuff should be arranged in the bag. She made a list of what she wanted for lunch from what little you had in the kitchen, French toast with honey and an omelette, an apple and a yoghurt. You worried that she might be hungry, but she promised you she will eat a big breakfast, TWO whole pieces of toasts with jam and butter. I promise Mama.

Well, okay then, Little Lady.

No Little Lady Mama, Jelly Belly, like Auntie Maria said.

Okay, sweetie, whatever you want.

The two of you went back in the evening, you pulling a cart behind you. Bill had mentioned that people would usually discard dried or wilted flowers from the previous week on the ground after putting fresh ones in, so those would need to be thrown out. He usually does it on Mondays, but you thought you would do it – that’s considered light work, right?

Ellie, as she did that morning, followed you closely, using the time you were picking up flowers to read the names on the headstones, your stops at each one often delayed when she couldn’t read the names fast enough.

“Mama, why do people put flowers here?”

“Well, people want to bring gifts to their loved ones. They loved them when they were alive, and they miss them, so they bring flowers to leave at the grave.”

“But Papa didn’t have a grave. He was creamed.”

“Cremated, sweetie. Papa wanted to be cremated. So, Papa is not at a cemetery. We didn’t bury him.”

“So no flowers for Papa?”

“Well, if you wanted to, we can leave flowers for Papa somewhere. We can put a vase in the house for us to put flowers for him if you want?”

She shook her head before moving on to the next headstone.

Well, that was the longest she had ever talked about Eric since his passing. That’s progress.

You walked on, going to the next headstone in the row to pick up the discarded flowers, and the next and the next. You realized that Ellie had stopped in front of one that didn’t have any flowers.

“What’s wrong sweetie?”

“Daisy M-A-T-T-H-E-W-S.”

“Matthews. Daisy Matthews.”

“There are no flowers.”

“Maybe they didn’t visit today?” you guessed, looking at the headstone. Daisy Matthews. Died five years ago, around your age, based on the date of birth. Beloved Mother, Wife, Sister.

“Daisy is a flower,” your daughter mulled.

“That’s right sweetie, Daisy is a flower. Very good.”

“But there are no flowers here.”

“Maybe there’ll be some next week?”

She took off running.

“Ellie! Careful sweetie!” you shouted, going after her, shocked at her speed.

You found her in your garden, trying to pluck daisies from the freshly plated planter box. You got her the shears, and helped her cut five stems, and followed her when she went running back. When you found her, she had placed the flowers in the vase at the base of the headstone.

“Daisies for Daisy,” she said before standing back up, smiling at you, looking so proud of herself.

“That’s very nice of you sweetie. Come on, let’s go. We don’t want to stay out too late.”

She ran off to the next headstone, merrily spelling out the next name as you stood in front of the now decorated headstone. She was your age, a mother, a wife, a sister. You couldn’t help but wonder if her child, husband and brother were alright. She wasn’t even 25 when she died. Her grave was clean, the grass trimmed, the stone polished. Someone clearly visited often.

“Mama, how do you say this name?”

“Coming sweetie,” you absentmindedly answered, running your fingers on her name, saying goodbye without you even realizing it, before moving on to join your daughter.

“Ellie sweetie, I have to go. I have to go to work. I will come and get you at three, okay? Will you be a good girl and cooperate please?” you cooed at your daughter who was now clinging to you like a koala, refusing to let go.

“Come Ellie, sit next to me. We can be friends,” the little girl sat at the table next to hers chimed in.

You squatted next to the table, Ellie still wrapped around your torso.

“What’s your name sweetie?”

“Sarah,” the little girl shyly answered.

“Hi Sarah, this is Ellie, Ellie, will you say hi to Sarah?”

Ellie lifted her head slightly, giving Sarah a little wave. Sarah waved back, a sweet smile on her lips.

“I have cheese sticks. You like cheese sticks?”

Ellie nodded, “I have an apple and yoghurt. You like those?”

Sarah nodded enthusiastically. “I have apples too. My daddy gave me some. We can share and eat lunch together!”

Ellie smiled, and you could feel her clutch on you loosening.

“Ellie, let’s sit down, okay? We are about to start, you will see your Mama again after school. Until then, I will look after you, okay? Sarah will too, right Sarah?” Miss Lydia, her teacher said.

It took a while, but your little girl finally conceded, hugging you goodbye one more time.

She tried to let go of you, but but despite the bravado you displayed earlier, you found yourself unable to let go, hugging the little girl much too tightly to the point that you could hear her breathing got strangled.

“Mama,” she squeaked, pushing your shoulder slightly.

“Sorry,” you said, trying not to cry. You placed her down and kissed her one more time, hugging her once more. She let you, nodding as you whispered you will wait for her when school ended.

You shook Miss Lydia’s hand and gave Sarah a pat on her tiny shoulder, walking out before you burst into tears.

There was only one car left aside from yours in the parents parking lot when you got there. A truck parked right next to yours. A man was sitting in it, looking forlorn. He looked up as you approached, wiping your eyes as you did. Your eyes met as you unlocked your door. He gave you a sad, understanding smile, which you returned, knowing at that very moment that he was going through the exact same thing you were, just two parents not willing or prepared to say goodbye.

Part 2

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