Jocose Lab

Raleigh, NC – Thousand fans were in attendance for Carolina Hurricanes home opener against the NY Rangers Friday night. NASCAR Driver, Dale Earnhardt Jr. kicked off the excitement by sounding the Hurricanes' iconic warning siren. Unfortunately, the moment did not go as planned as Earnhardt lost control and crashed into the wall before finishing.

“I don't know what happened,” stated Dale Jr. before taking a sip of his Moutain Dew and wiping his mouth with the Gatorade endorsement towel strategically placed over his left shoulder. “I felt great in practice earlier today, and the siren was handling better than we had expected, it’s just a disappointment to let down the fans.”

Sources close to the Hurricanes franchise confirmed that Earnhardt Jr. did, in fact, looked good in morning practice and even better in afternoon test runs after his pit crew made a few adjustments to the siren. However not everyone was excited with Earnhardt’s performance. 

“I don't even know why he was practicing,” said Hurricanes coach, Bill Peters. “The siren is pretty basic, you just turn the damn handle, and it makes a loud noise. I'm not sure why Dale and his entire pit crew were out here tinkering all goddamn day, but it was pretty fucking distracting while trying to prepare for the Rangers.”

Earnhardt's Crew Chief Greg Stanton stated that they didn't mean to interfere with the Hurricanes ice time, but Dale Jr. is a stickler when it came to performance and claimed they were trying to get more juice out of the siren.

“We switched out the stock crank and rotors and installed all new aluminum alloy components to allow more air flow and then dialed in the gearing system, making the siren smooth and fast, and frankly the loudest sum-bitch siren I've ever heard. It's just a shame Junior couldn't finish opening night,” stated Stanton disappointedly.

Stanton wasn't the only one upset about not finishing out the day. Dale Jr. also was also heartbroken as he recounted the crash.

“I felt good starting off, but as I picked up speed I could feel the siren's chassis getting a little loose around turn two and by the time I got around turn four, the crank broke off and I just lost control of it.”

The momentum caused Earnhardt to slam into the back wall hitting his head and then he started spinning out of control. He tried to recover but ultimately flipped over the guard rail crashing down to the second tier causing a five-person pileup as he landed on the Dunn’s, a family of four who was medevacked to Duke Hospital and treated for minor injuries.

The Clinton and Trump Campaigns are urging their faithful followers to stop looking for evidence that their opponent may or may not have used the N-word. Trump called it, “Pointless and we should be focusing on real issues, like jobs” and Clinton noted, “What difference at this point does it make?”

In an interview with CNN's Dana Bash, Clinton denied calling Donald Trump a racist during her infamous “Basket of Deplorables” comment back in September. “I've known Donald Trump for a long time,” stated Clinton. “It's true, he might be an Islamaphobic, xenophobic, homophobic, male chauvinist pig, but he is not a racist.”

When Bash replayed the video of her remarks, Clinton was quick to point out that it sounded like she said “racist,” but she clearly recalled calling him a “rapist.”

“Donald grew up in a wealthy family, and his father was one of the biggest real estate developers in the greatest diverse city in the world. Even today, Donald brags about growing up rubbing elbows with the finest colored help New York City has to offer.”

Editors Note: Spokesperson for Clinton's campaign later apologized and retracted the term “colored.”  Secretary Clinton was solely expressing that, that is Trump's word meaning “other than white” or “not as good as Trump.”

At a campaign rally in Wisconsin, Trump informed his supporters that searching for a recording of Hillary using the N-word is a waste of time.  

“Listen, I am sure growing up in the early 1950′s in the Deep South, a white Southern belle debutante such as Hillary would have been taught by her elders not to use the N-word. Believe me, folks, rural Arkansas has always been a progressive, unlike Atlanta, Georgia where Crooked Hillary’s best friend Paula Deen is from.”

In the wake of Hurricane Matthew, and the shit-show following the 2010 earthquake etched deeply in Haitian's memories,  Haiti is desperately begging to the American Red Cross to do nothing, absolutely nothing, just stay in America.

"Seriously, we'll be fine" stated Prime Minister, Florence Duperval Guillaume after receiving a call from the American Red Cross' CEO, Gail McGovern. "As long as you and your crew stay out of Haiti, we're all good."  

Ms. Guillaume's pessimistic attitude is fitting considering the Red Cross squandered $500 million in charity donations raised after an earthquake in 2010 ravaged Haiti.  By its numbers, the group estimated that they provided aid for roughly 130,000 Haitians. However, evidence proved that other than basic medical supplies, water, blankets, and a few tents; only six homes were built. "It was an issue of good intentions meeting bad execution," said McGovern as she pleaded the Prime Minister to change her mind, revealing that fundraising efforts were already in underway.

"You built six homes with half a billion of aid money, and four of the six were shoddy at best. Seriously, we've already got Kickstarter campaign going, so if you don't mind, please fuck off" stated Guillaume before hanging up.

Brooklyn, NY — Brkln Beans, a popular coffee and pastry shop featuring “unique goods” located in Fort Greene, Brooklyn makes waiting in line its primary objective.

The booming business was not always the case says the owner, Matt Bishop who admitted he almost had to shut down two years ago.

“Our coffee was top-notch, and the food was good, and reasonably priced,” said Bishop. “The problem was that my employees and I busted our butts to get people in and out — which we discovered isn’t alluring to customers at all.” That is when Bishop tried something different, which he coined as “Illusionary  Service.”

“When you are efficient, people come in, order, pay, and then leave. That sounds great until you realize, you are never crowded, says Bishop. “If I’ve learned anything about establishing a reputation, it’s that if people don’t see a line, they’re not going to save time by stopping by.”

That is when Bishop revamped the whole service process, ensuring that at least five to eight idiots are waiting for something at all times. He fired his more motivated employees and hired five lethargic millennials who are better suited to Bishop’s, “rotational groove.”

The rotational groove consists of two chattering shitheads taking orders at a snail’s pace; one untrained assistant manager who regularly walks back and forth making small talk with the staff, and now and then hands out coffee, and says, “come again.” The last two employees rotate between jobs, performing meaningless tasks like moving muffins from one warming drawer to another. “There is definitely a lot of inefficient movement that appeals to the customers waiting in line,” noted Bishop.

Bishop’s master plan of looking busy by limiting customer service has skyrocketed Brkln Beans’ business. It has worked so well he was able to cut corners on food and coffee quality all while raising prices much to the appreciation of his growing fan base. Bishop closed our interview with, “It is so nice to see our neighbors support mediocre service, and higher prices rather than patronize a far superior coffee chain.”  

New York City - The NYCHipster Alliance has filed a suit after the LGBT declared that it would not start the proposed gentrification process in Canarsie, Brooklyn, initially agreed upon by the two groups late, last quarter.

LGBT Spokesperson, Kris Kraft stated that the upscaling plan was postponed due to other projects still ongoing in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn, Washington Heights, NY and the late completion of "Operation West Bank" in Jersey City, NJ. The LGBT fired back urging the Alliance to once and for all take initiative and start a project themselves. "It is no secret that hipsters have a long history of batting cleanup in the gentrification process. Thier only real responsibility is providing bodies with decent credit scores to start absorbing the hikes in rental prices and opening one or two retro bicycle shops in the area", stated Kraft.

Kraft declared that the LGBT still had big plans for Canarsie, calling it the next Park Slope. As a show of good faith, LGBT officials offered to support the Alliance by sending a scout unit (typically known as Fast Action Group) to set up a trendy overpriced coffee shop that would serve as a centralized base camp for the hipsters.

In a rare interview granted to CNN’s Anderson Copper, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, confessed that there is no way in hell he would consider returning as Savior of Mankind if Trump or Clinton were elected president. Christ claimed that if his flock [voters] were so blinded, thy shall not rejoice - especially over the next four years

“I believe in giving mankind free will, but this is absurdly ridiculous,” avowed Jesus before going into a five-minute parable/tangent on how Donald Trump would make an excellent Fallen Angel if he ever got into heaven, and on that note, stated, “when Hell freezes over.”

The King of Kings admitted that being a Jew himself, he supported Bernie Sanders early on as his chosen one, until the 76-year-old was cheated yet still decided to back Clinton. “Sure I forgave Judas, that’s what Saviors do, but I’d be damned if I’d support Judas for Pope after turning a good meal into my last supper.”

When asked by Anderson Cooper who the Almighty would consider for the White House, Christ praised Gary Johnson and touted himself as a devout supporter.  Although the Messiah admitted that he does not agree with Johnson across the board, he was still convinced that one Johnson was greater than two Evils. Christ, a self-proclaimed blue-collar guy, once a carpenter turned healer, affirmed that Gary is in touch with the middle-class. “He doesn’t see the other party’s voters as lepers.” The Son of Man also declared that it was finally refreshing to see a candidate who eagerly promoted the fruits of his dad’s labor, referring to the miracle drug, Marijana. “Father just did meds better than Big Pharma,” exclaimed, Christ, “Johnson gets that!”

Christ affirmed that his belief was so strong in the Johnson/Weld ticket that he has even added the endorsement, “Vote Gary Johnson” to his popular “What Would Jesus Do” bracelets.