not me, girl. i don't know these people.

I hope you guys like…eventually live the life you want to live and I hope nothing haunts you for too long and I hope you’re all kind to yourselves

god today i ID’d an old dude buyin booze and he pulled out a fake ID with an elvis pic, then laughed and pulled out a matching one but with curly from three stooges on it, and im like okay please and he finally pulled out his real license and his legal name was steve sinner

that was the devil

reblog for the universe to send you a very butch girlfriend who’ll protect you like a Fabergé egg

Honestly I’m not gonna survive the apocalypse. Y'all go on gathering berries and drinking cockroach milk (apparently) and forming barter economies and I’m gonna stay in my house until the last of my seltzer runs out and then I’m gonna put on an all cashmere outfit and lay down and die. Have fun fending off the coyotes and doomsday cults and living on expired canned goods in a world with no more Netflix. Pass.

sorry idk what u guys are posting, ive blacklisted every word in this site

one of them tells only truths, the other only lies

i crave simple things in life like fresh sourdough bread with a shallow but ornate dipping bowl containing olive oil/balsamic/fresh herbs on a moonlit evening overlooking the sea in some fuckall, Mediterranean location where i’m left alone to eat my bread and let the iodine from the sea air heal my torn up spirit & also six hundred million dollars in unmarked duffle bags stuffed into a swiss bank account box i receive for completing a job of dubious morality

its shark week and michael phelps is about to race a shark but how do we know this is the fastest shark were there shark prelims set out underwater to test this i think this is an unfair process discovery u cant have a world class human and just regular jeff the shark do u know how humiliating its gonna be for jeff and his family when he gets beat by  michael phelps™ cuz hes just a normal average joe accountant shark why u gotta do jeff like that man

classic feel good post