My Edge of Happiness

Writer things

A few traits that writers might experience. 1. The awkwardness of socializing after months of working alone. 2. The fake smile you have to put on when someone asks how your #book is going. 3. Holding back the Armageddon-style attack from so many people asking what your book is about.

I remember asking my aunt when I was quite young

I don’t write much anymore, and maybe that’s because I’ve found more convenient ways of letting go of my sadness, or I’ve just gotten good at pretending that it’s not eating away at me. Or maybe it’s because I don’t feel much of anything anymore.

on my first date with happiness, i decided i had enough of oversized black tshirts and loose black jeans so i threw on a yellow sundress, which i found after passing through my closet like a raging hurricane; as always, i was running late. on my first date with happiness, i decided i was going to let her fall in love with my natural self so i put down my concealer, mascara, lipstick and eyeliner. and i ornament myself with rings and necklaces, a spray of flowery, sweet perfume. on my first date with happiness, i decided i was going to let her in so i told her my everything, i was afraid, of course but i knew i would have to, at least, give her a chance to get to know me, i would have to give my tired self a chance to stop being a fucking liar. on my first date with happiness, i said: “hey, my name is sadness. but i want to learn to be happy again.” on my first date with happiness, i let a little bit of life reach my insides after a whole long time of having myself against myself.

1. Girl, chill. 2. Today is today. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Tomorrow is not today. Today is not tomorrow. Live where you are. 3. Everyone is suffering. They will project that suffering onto you. You are not required to take it personally. Even if it feels very, very personal. 4. Love is more powerful than thinking that you know everything. Being right is not the same as being good. 5. Don’t believe people who don’t believe in themselves. 6. Manage work but know when to treat yourself. There is only this life. Enjoy it. Save money. Travel. Live. It could all end tomorrow so fuckin’ do something. 7. The people who cannot see who do not define you. You don’t always have to listen to them. 8. Never underestimate the power of meditation. Do that shit. 9. Cry when you need to. There ain’t no shame in that. 10. Sometimes you have to be your own best friend. Your own sister. Your own lover. Your own mother. That’s okay.

We made love and then made love again and then after we had made love once more, quiet and dark and unspeaking and unthinking and then like a shower of meteors on a cold night, we went to sleep.

I don’t really want to be around too many people or do much talking.

i feel like i have fallen into a pit that i have never really been in. if that makes any sense. if falling asleep thinking about death and waking up wishing i stopped waking up is in this pit. i hate it. i just want it all the end. and not the clean way.

I’ve never stopped loving someone I wasn’t forced to. I don’t get bored with people or fall out of love… I don’t crave excitement or traverse ever expanding social circles… if we are close then you’re one of a select few and I’m content with the status quo pretty much indefinitely. My head is never turned by someone better looking, my opinions are never swayed by someone more charismatic and my affections are never bought by someone’s wealth… so if I distanced myself from you emotionally it was because you were hurting me over and over until my back was to the wall and I was left with no other option… Because I’m the kind of person who only ever stops feeling when it hurts too much and my forgiveness has long since run out. Even then, it has always been a gruelingly painful process of systematically shutting down the emotional connection layer by layer for my own protection until there was nothing left; not hate, not anger, just… nothing. So if you didn’t see it coming then you should have because it takes time to build walls and shut people out… And if you’re hurting then I’m sorry but the simple fact is that if you’re on the outside I didn’t put you there… you did it to yourself.

“It hurts every day, the absence of someone who was once there.”

We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

You can’t spend the best years of your life waiting for somebody to love you back.