JEAN-ER

I know, most people developed mental health issues during their teenage years, yet they get help and most got rid of that issue when they start to enter adulthood. Maybe they’re just too busy to acknowledge that issue is still there, deep within them. But for me, it’s not that easy. trust me when i say I’ve tried everything I could. Nothing helps. Not even the therapists. They all just say the same thing over and over. 

I shut everything out and lived off the grid for 2months, to find myself and find happiness. I’ve told so many people about my condition, how i’m feeling, how i need help. No one ever listens. They all repeat the same thing, but I can’t blame them... maybe they really just dont know what to do to help me, hence they can only think of things that are seen on the internet or somewhere else that seem to be able to make every problem disappear. 

I hate myself. I really do. I do not hate anybody else except for me. I always say “I hate this place” “I hate them, those cool kids, I hate how they’re popular for the wrong reasons” “I hate her, she looks like she put on a ton of make up” “I really hate humans it’s unbelievable” ... Recently, I think i’ve found out the truth, or maybe i always knew the truth and I just don’t have the guts to face it. 

I “hate” those people/things/places, maybe it’s because I’m there. I hate everything with me in it, I hate cool kids that I know, I hate a certain place when IM there, I hate some girl because I KNOW her, and I know i’ll never be as happy a normal person. Maybe that’s why I hated all of those things, I hated myself. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore, it’s so hard to explain and I hate this feeling. 

I’m going to school soon. After almost a year, I’m finally going back to school. A friend of mine once told me that she took 6months at most to find herself, her happiness. I thought i can take less than that, but it’s been so long. 3 years? 4 years? I can’t remember when it all started. I didn’t know that it was slowly devouring me from the inside, and I realized it only a year and 10 months ago. I studied for a year, suffering so badly but what can I do? I have to study, to make people proud, get good grades and a good job, because the people around me does not recognize such thing as mental heath, even to people I’m really close to, they think “It’s all inside your head”...honestly that would be even better if it was all up in my head like an imagination and I could just get rid of it... and after a year, I graduated, then I took 10 months off in hopes that I can be happy again, I don’t have to fake everything anymore.

But now i ended up here. 2 months away from attending university. And this feeling is still lurking deep within, comes out whenever it wants to, like an untamed monster. That’s all I am aren’t I? A pessimistic monster. In everyone else’s eyes, I never tried. Little did they know, all I’ve been doing my whole life was trying, trying to breathe. It’s so hard for me, and I can’t emphasize this anymore than I already did. It’s like I’m constantly stuck in a loop.