Hi! Nice to see you again!
04/05/2021
itโs me, Jirou. Itโs been a while. I donโt think Iโve posted anything after my first semester of second year.. itโs been almost 2 years since then! And a LOOOOOT has happened. Iโm happy Iโm still here.
This is probably gonna be a long post, but I just wanted to write down how much my life has changed since then, how much Iโve learned and how much happier Iโve become. Thank you for reading this far.
Before you read any further, please be aware of a few trigger warnings for: suicide attempt, sexual assault and child abuse.
Letโs start from where we left off, shall we? Second semester of my second year of uni. So much happened, especially the upcoming med school entrance exam. The looming THOUGHT of that one event tanked my mental health and academic progress SOOO much that I got the worst grades Iโve ever had for my subjects. I was miserable, switching from antidepressant to anti anxiety meds like they were skittles. I was doing my best to stay alive.
[TW: suicide attempt] Then a few weeks before that damn med school test. The police came knocking on my door with an ambulance following shortly after to take me to hospital, as Iโd just tried to take my life. I spent 6 hours there total, got cleared home after a the doctor assessment. But Iโve never felt so out reality. Like I was never alive at all. I recovered well after that, but I was still finding it hard to get back to reality. I got stuck watching twitch streamers to never have a quiet second in my brain. That was when I decided to join this one streamerโs subscriber discord. And I met the boy that pulled me back to earth.
This was 6 months after a brutal heart break, [TW: sexual assault] one where I was violated and left to feel empty and unlovable. I lost all my self esteem from that breakup, and along with expectations from my parents and my own mental illnesses, it almost took my life. So you wouldnโt even believe how much in awe I was that one person was able to change how I think completely.
I met my current boyfriend (he likes to think heโs my fiancรฉ) in that discord, after he told me to shut up when I said hi to everyone. Then apologised of course, but that fueled it enough to set a course of enemies to lovers:
After a month or two of talking, he confessed he loved me. I did the same. Happily ever after. But get this, he lived in Sydney, and I, in melbourne. So it was exactly a year until we get to actually see each other because... DUN DUN DUUUUNNN the pandemic happened.
It was a roughy rough time. As I still lived with my parents, I had to move with them to a part of my state that was rly far away from uni and my friends. And I canโt drive so.... I really spent those first few months of lockdown with no social contact... [TW: child abuse] in a house of narcissistic and abusive parents. So then again, my mental health tanked. So hard that I recall such a vivid moment that while my bf was on call with me he was trying to make me imagine a future with him, far far away, where nothing could touch me. Thatโs when I knew I really had to get out of there if I wanted to live and prosper.
After my first semester of third year. I ran away from home. I packed my things secretly, waited for my parents and the rest of the family to leave the house for groceries. Made breakfast for my sister who was still asleep. Called my uber, and didnโt look back. It was the hardest, most exhilarating and most profound thing I have ever done in my life. It is the reason I am still alive today. I escaped abuse, organised my life to support myself ALONE. Learned to live with roommates, navigated my ling distance relationship, and improved my mental health. Just from doing one thing, that changed my life.
After that, things were going more smoothly. I was in my second semester of uni, I was doing okay. I wasnโt doing AMAZING but for my circumstances, I was doing my god damn best. I finished that semester as well as I could. And then the borders opened. And I could finally see my baby.
One whole year we went without even touching skin. I finally was there, to another stepping stone in my life that unfolds the rest of my future. Changing my future like tidal waves for ripples. I met him, and I knew he was the love of my life. We spent one week together until he had to go back. And I was like fuck that I need you. 3 weeks later I found myself in Sydney, living with his family for almost two months until I had to come back for my final semester. Which is where I am now.
Youโre all caught up now. Let me tell you about how Iโve changed. I think I am the happiest Iโve ever been since my innocent childhood, everyday I spend with my bf feels like the Sunday mornings that my grandma picks me up from my dadโs and takes me to buy toys. I feel like I can have a future. I am tethered to reality by the best person I have ever known. And I built this life with the support of my friends and supportive family members. From here on, Iโm expecting to move in with my bf in a few months time, which by then we wonโt be long distance anymore. Weโll finally be able to plan our future together.
If youโre still reading, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope with my story, my journey from 16-17 years old when I started this blog, and now that Iโm 2 weeks away from turning 21, you can see that life changes and gets better. All the bullshit you encounter will fade into black once enough time passes. I hope to the universe that life treats you well and guides you to your stars. Iโm thankful that I had the opportunity to write my life down in this blog, Iโll come back every now and then to let you know. But the way my life is going, I donโt even feel the need to escape it through reblogging things I wish I was/had/was doing. I am living for me.
As always, I hope your days are kind and warm. I love you very much.
Bloom and never wither,
Jirou
