everything stays

I feel like the best way to respond to someone you’re friends with making gross, racist, sexist etc. jokes isn’t to argue with them or call them out directly, but just to kind of wince at them like they just did something incredibly inappropriate and awkward and try to change the subject. Like, almost in an exaggerated way, like you’re just really disgusted and want to forget they said it. Arguing with them lets them 1) shoehorn you as a “SJW” and shut themselves off to you 2) defend their opinion or feel like they did and 3) lets you end up categorized as the person who did the inappropriate thing by making a “big deal” out of it. But acting like you would with any extremely gross and inappropriate thing makes it harder for them to mentally defend themselves and thus to avoid feeling weird and ashamed. It prevents them from getting in any way satisfied by your reaction or validated in their views. It makes them the person that broke a rule. And anyway, it is really gross and inappropriate to joke like that. It has to be a taboo, not just a viewpoint or a style of humor that some people don’t like. If you argue, it frames the issue as an opinion. If you just show disgust and displeasure and treat the offensive material like you would a pile of dog shit on a sidewalk you’re walking down, it’s not arguable. It’s an action, with nothing intellectual about it, and there’s nothing for them to defend against. 

This is straight up how I deal with the subtle racist and homophobic behaviours a lot of people exhibit, as well as the use of slurs. Wince. Make a face. Look away. Get really quiet. Change the subject. Personal favourite is just just to say “dude” quietly and loaded w disgust.