here come the regrets

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excerpts from a blog post by someone who worked with minho’s father in gangwon: 

“when i stepped into the wake, i couldn’t see minho. instead, onew, taemin, and jonghyun’s mother were there. the three of them were in the middle of a conversation, and when i took my first step forward onew and taemin glanced at me, but since they didn’t know my face, they just turned back around and continued their conversation.

a number of days have passed since then, but i can’t forget that moment. the warm, yet painful and sorrowful scene of that day.

jonghyun’s mother was sitting, and onew was standing across from her and talking about something with large hand gestures, and taemin, who was sitting to her right, had his body turned toward her and would smile from time to time as he listened.

if a stranger had seen this, i think they would have thought it was a mother with her two sons. they were used to each other, and so they seemed comfortable. ah, they were this close with one another. it was a moment where i could feel warmth, at least briefly, in that space that was so enveloped with sadness.

but when i looked over them carefully once more, the state of onew and taemin’s faces was indescribable. the eyes that had always seemed to sparkle had lost their light, and when my gaze stopped at the shoulder of jonghyun’s mother, who was so so small, my heart ached.

*

just as i was leaving after saying my farewell, minho took my hand and thanked me for coming all this way. minho had always been the first to shake my hand whenever we met, but it was the first time his hand felt this cold and dry. when i looked up, the face i saw seemed exhausted beyond words.

*

like onew said, shinee was a family, and the members’ families had been like yet another family to each of them. that’s what that night’s scene was like. jonghyun wasn’t there, but because onew and taemin, and minho were filling his empty space for his mother. after seeing it first hand, i could realize that they weren’t his chief mourners just because they’d simply been members of his group.

you truly were a family. so how much must you all be blaming yourselves for not being able to understand jonghyun’s mind that had been so plagued with depression, sadness, and despair?

*

[after describing the passing of their grandfather in 2008]

the shinee members who took on the role of chief mourners probably felt the same way. the moment you lose family, you can think of nothing else. because a maddening agony closes your eyes and ears to everything. and thus they must have felt tormented.

after losing my grandfather, i cried and cried as i washed my face, as i picked up a spoonful of food, as i waited for the bus. as i wept i washed my face, i ate food, i rode the bus, and there were many days where i worked with tears dripping down my face because i’d suddenly started crying as i typed in my office.

as someone who’s gone through this before, all i can say is to not blame yourself thinking of all the things you couldn’t do (for him). though of course, even as i say this, i am one who tormented myself by not following the same advice.

but when i’d think of all the times that we laughed together and shared our feelings and created memories, i was happy because it felt like we were together, even for just a brief moment. and my grandfather would have wanted me to spend my days like this. and jonghyun, too, would want you (the members) if anyone else, to please — i mean absolutely, no matter what — be happy. just like my grandfather who told me, you have to be happy no matter what, ok? as he parted ways with the world.

once more, i put my hands together to wish him happiness in the other world.”

* * *

source: Helena’s dream (http://helenadream.net/675)

trans: @sullaem