sullaem

chapter: <blue night>

( tw for mention of dec. 18, grief )

      there are times when i’m lying in bed with my eyes closed that the image of <blue night> comes to mind. maybe it’s because i usually go to sleep just before or after midnight, which was around the time that <blue night> would begin. perhaps my memories are reacting to the time of day.

      the scenes i picture are usually in chronological order. ten minutes before the start of broadcast, if we had a bit of time to spare we’d sit in a circle together in the studio and chatter away eating gummy bears. the studio across from us would be in the midst of airing <dreaming radio> live.

      after reading the opening, the first song goes out. after that, it’s time to listen to the song that the dj picked. it couldn’t have been easy to bring a new song each day, but there wasn’t a single time that he brought something offhandedly. there were many songs that he went through the trouble of selecting that we couldn’t even play, because they weren’t cleared for broadcasting. the song he chose most often and always sang along to was stevie wonder’s <ribbon in the sky>. it isn’t a short song, but it goes by in the blink of an eye.

      12:40. the weekly corner begins and the guests enter with greetings. the atmosphere transforms at once. after an hour of noisy, boisterous chatting, it’s 1:40. the people who’d entered before leave one by one. we bid them farewell and close the studio; the door shuts with a massive, heavy thud. the digital clock that shows the remaining time for broadcast now displays ’20 minutes.’

      he reads a quiet, calm essay. he cries easily, so sometimes he tears up while reading listener’s stories. the view outside the window, which had already been dark before, darkens completely to black and the surroundings become silent.

      as the song plays, i pull up the blinds and look around the roads, but they’re completely deserted. even the lights that had been on in some stores here and there have vanished. at the time the outside world has fallen into a deep slumber, the scene of the studio at 1:40 am is appropriately tiring, yet peaceful.

      after hearing the unbelievable news of his passing, i find myself often picturing the studio of 1:40 am. though i can’t do anything about it here and now, someday, if i can travel back in time, it’s a moment i absolutely want to find my way back to.

      midnight, today, the same time arrives without fail. whenever i have trouble falling asleep, i sometimes imagine. the doors of the studio open and a dj wearing a hat pulled down low hums to a song and plops down in his chair. he will start the opening, matched with a familiar tune. just as he guarded his place without leaving it, for such a very long time.

      my first dj will exist just like this, somewhere still.

      in the small and cozy studio that i remember, he will forever.

-

park jeong eon excerpt from her book of essays, <날은 흐려도 모든것이 진했던> (though the day was gray, everything was clear) * published 04.26.2019

* t/n - park jeong eon is a pd for mbc radio. blue night was her debut program. the book’s title is a bit hard to translate with its full meaning. she uses the word ‘흐리다’ in the context of weather, which means cloudy/gray, but also plays on its meaning of blurry/unclear. ‘진하다’ can be used to describe something deep/dark/strong usually in terms of colours and taste. she’s saying the day may have been gray/blurry, but everything else (e.g. her senses, memories) was deep/prominent in contrast.

The Celebrity Magazine, Feb. 2015

Jonghyun didn't take lots of time to think, and his answers came spilling out with no hesitation as if he’d been anticipating the question. Even ordinary things became special thoughts with his unique talent and flair, because they were built upon the base of Jonghyun’s strong confidence.

I thought his hair colour, which was the perfect blend of ash and green, suited Jonghyun well — but he himself tilted his head as his eyes searched the monitor after completing his test photoshoot. “Do you think my hair and outfit suit the atmosphere of the studio? What kind of pose would make the pictures turn out cooler?” Suddenly, the set fell silent. In that moment, it seemed Jonghyun was the only one who was unfazed. When shooting with celebrities, some of them never look at the monitor at all, and some glance at it indifferently and make no comments, positive or negative, as they consider it solely the role of the staff to make any judgment. Jonghyun was neither type. He was the type of person who truly understood what his role was on set, and had a desire to fulfill that role as well as possible. That was the moment I started to become more curious about who Jonghyun was as an individual artist, and not just as SHINee’s vocalist.  

Jonghyun

You must have been looking forward to the new year more than anyone, with your solo album announcement just coming up.

I waited with a fluttering heart, wishing it would come quickly; on the other hand, since my job entails getting evaluated for what I produce, I also felt fear and worry at the same time.

Are you the type of person who enjoys that process, or do you have a hard time from the stress?

Both. I tend to enjoy getting stressed.

You enjoy stress? Is that what caused you to lose weight?

It could be. I’m the type of person who torments myself. I want to create a perfect product, but I know that’s not possible so I get even more stressed. However, I don’t think this is a bad tendency. Even negative feelings like a sense of inferiority can become the impetus for progress, you know.

그 사람에게 지금 이 햇살을

i’ve appeared as a guest a few times on the radio program he hosts. we’ve never met up in private, but we do exchange messages from time to time. we’re getting to know each other through these brief conversations. i wake up early in the morning, and he heads for bed at the same time that i’m getting up. so naturally, we’ve found ourselves only exchanging messages at this time.

he envies me for being able to get up early in the morning. but in his daily routine of working late into the night, getting up early is nearly impossible.

when i told him that the cafe i stop by every day has a large window that fills it with bright morning sunshine, he said he’d like to try some of their coffee someday. but he said he probably wouldn’t be able to because sunlight is too much of a burden for him. i told him that the light shining at that hour isn’t sunlight, but sunshine, so it would be ok. he asked me how sunlight is different from sunshine. i said, sunshine doesn’t beat down on you like sunlight; rather, it quietly and gently embraces your skin. he said just hearing about it made it sound warm and comforting. then he went on to say he would come and visit soon. after that, we made several such plans that amounted to no real promise.

someday, if a suitable morning comes, i would like to gift him with the tender sunshine that i greet each morning. i don’t know when that will be, or whether such a day will ever really come, but while it’s on my mind i should try sending him a message today.

“jonghyun ssi, you’re doing well, right?

the morning sunshine is particularly nice today.

let’s have coffee soon.”

-

kim dongyoung excerpt from his collection of essays, < even if it doesn’t happen… > published 12.18.2017

170528 the letter (day)

i want to talk about the second video (”rewind”) that came out. it’s a video that repeats itself, you can think of it as a video where i keep on trying to test whether or not i can move on to the next action by repeating the same thing over again. the thing that inspired me was, you know really hard video games? if you play a difficult game, you know how there are times where you absolutely can’t find out whether there’s a trap somewhere unless you die in that spot? as i was playing those types of difficult video games, i felt really good watching something repeat itself.. though that’s just my personal preference. watching something repetitive.. something regular/systematic felt really nice, so i tried filming a video where i kept acting out the same scene, where if i try one thing i can move on to the next part, and if i try another thing i fail and go back to the start.

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170528 the letter (night)

do you remember the second video? of course, i made the music, but.. you know how the video was really repetitive? so i was looking for some clues within that, and there was a section where i eventually get to the last plane ticket.. and the number 1155 came out, right? why is that, you ask.. the time i spent hosting the radio was 1155 days. so i’ve come from the video to visit you in this space where i can once again share those stories that are slightly personal, and playful, and mundane with all of you.. i made this kind of video to try to show that i’ve flown here in the role of the person who delivers all of your letters.

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170604 the letter

do you remember the second video? where i keep going back to the bathtub? as i prepared that video, i tried to fuse in something i’ve been hooked on recently — pictures or movements that are contained within some kind of repetitive framework, because i find them fun and enjoyable and exciting. actually, this was the starting point of this video. you know how you “die” while you’re playing video games? you know how you can die on a trip as you’re playing video games, and there are certain trips that you can’t find unless you die. then since you figured out this certain trip from the previous life, you can get through that one. but on the next trip, you die again. and you go back to the beginning and go through that trip, then another, and you go on to the third, and fourth trip. i found that sort of repetitive image exciting, so i filmed with that kind of concept in mind. uh, but if that had been the only concept, it would have been too meaningless, so i tried to think hard about how to connect it to this concert and came up with the concept where i discover numbers one by one. that number was 1155. you know how i look over the letter in the glass bottle in the end, and it becomes 1155? what number could it be? (audience: blue night!) it’s the number of days that i hosted blue night radio. i wanted to let you know that this concert has quite a lot of connections with blue night, radio, all of your stories, my stories, all these things compressed into one. so i’d like you to be aware that the songs that will be performed from here on out, and the concert sections, depend heavily on all of your participation and the way you listen to my stories.

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170618 the letter

the concept of the video itself was one where i keep repeating the same action and advance forward bit by bit, so i tried working on music that also used that kind of repetitive sound. let me explain a little what it’s about. i’m going around the room and discovering numbers, one by one. the video contains the process of finding these numbers, and the number i find at the very end is 1155. i incorporated it into the video because that number is one that has great significance for me, and has a big connection to this concert. i hosted the radio for about three years and two months, and if you add that up in days, it ends up being 1155 days. so i filmed this video with the desire to blend the communication we had through radio, and the warmth of sharing stories, into this concert. in a way, you know how you get the sense that i’m flying away in the last part of this video? that’s how i came here. so all of you have now also flown into a space that’s connected with 1155, and is warm and easy to communicate in, so i’d like to ask for lots of interest and participation from you.

*

hello, this is shinee key. it’s been a while since i greeted you. i’m spending my time full of many thoughts these days, and with the tour just ahead, i think i’ll first be greeting you through the reality show with boa sunbae — most of which was already prerecorded — so even though it’s a bit late, i wanted to let you know about it myself. if you’d say it’s soon, yes, it is too soon, but i’m trying to pull myself together well and quickly go back to my daily life. our members are also trying to get back on their feet and of course, we cannot see what happened with jonghyunnie hyung as being the cause of our downfall. because that would cause worry to many people including, of course, hyung himself and his family, and though i’m saddened that i can’t see him right this instant, i know too well that hyung is waiting for me just around the corner. i want to gain strength more than ever, and rather than filling in hyung’s empty space, i want to always feel hyung’s presence with me as i promote. it’s a bold request that i’m making, but no matter when, where, or in what form you might meet us, if you would keep treating us and loving us just the way you’ve always done, i would be so thankful. if you would send us some light encouragement so that our members can take more heart, we won’t let you down. thank you. KEY

*

trans. @sullaem

t/n:

- “of course, we cannot see..” — what kibum is trying to say with this sentence is that the members refuse to allow what happened with jonghyun to become the impetus for their downfall/unraveling as a group.

Hello. This is SHINee Minho.

Regarding how to proceed with the SHINee concerts in Japan — after the members worried/thought over it individually and then gathered together to discuss, we carefully came to a decision. And I’m writing this letter in hopes of calmly conveying our hearts on this matter. Even as I pen these words right now, I’m flooded with many thoughts and many different emotions cross my mind at each moment, but I resolve to calmly communicate my heart/feelings.

I believe there will be people who welcome this decision, and conversely, I also believe there will be people who express concern/fear. Although we, too, are not certain what the correct decision is, right now we believe that this is the right answer and we wish to continue our promise with all of you. All the memories we made with the members, staff, and fans are so very precious to us; they are [what make us] the happiest, and they are things we feel we couldn’t trade for anything in the world.

There is nothing in the world that could substitute Jonghyunnie hyung’s place, and though there are many worries about how complete of a concert we will be able to create on stage, we will pour our ‘whole/sincere hearts’ into preparing with the thought that Jonghyunnie hyung will be with us in all the SHINee performances that we will show you from now on.

Just as we, and Jonghyunnie hyung, promised all of you, we will remember that when we want to give up because things are too hard when we want to run away from a weak heart your [outstretched] hands become our biggest strength and we will continue singing songs for all of you.

Of course, the degree of that hardship is such that no one can imagine, but I believe all of you will give us a lot of strength in order for us all to go on to overcome this and protect [SHINee] together.

We, SHINee, feel thankful for that support at each and every moment, and we will continue filling [our/your lives] with times that are dedicated to Jonghyunnie hyung and all of you with even more sincerity. I think I will be able to spend this cold winter a little more warmly thanks to all of your warm encouragement. Thank you.

*

T/N - Square brackets are used as extra clarification.

Hello. This is SHINee Taemin.

To be honest, I initially didn’t have a lot of confidence regarding the concerts. But I wanted to keep my promise to all of you, and I also did not want to part ways with the SHINee members in the future.

When I looked back at the times my heart felt the most stable, and happiest, it was when I was with the members.. and also you, the fans. And I came to feel an even stronger love for the name “SHINee” and the members of this team, and more than ever, I didn’t want to give up.

I know our future from now on will be anything but easy, but I want to do my very best so that the name “SHINee” will be able to shine on for longer without losing its light, and not get forgotten.

Because the members and all of you have given me such beautiful memories I’m so thankful, and I want to keep those memories precious and safe for a long time.

And I want to show our member, who will want to continue being loved as SHINee and will be watching from the heavens, a SHINee that will pick themselves up confidently and rise to the stage.

I’m so greatly sorry for worrying all of you, and I ask that you please watch us from now on. It’s cold, so take care of your health, and I wish you blessings in the new year.

*

Hello, this is SHINee Key. Thanks to all of your worries, I, too, have been making an effort to pull myself together and return to my daily life. There are times where I shed tears because traces of Jonghyunnie hyung spring memories of all our past times to my mind, and my heart aches but I’m trying hard to overcome it well by thinking that I’m spending time with hyung. I know that everyone supports SHINee’s unchanged activities and though I also worried about it a lot, I thought that it wouldn’t do to simply give everything up and hope that my heart would become whole. In the midst of many people’s worries, we have decided to continue with the Japanese concerts that were planned. This decision is the “us” that Jonghyunnie hyung would want, and I thought that keeping our promise with all of you and showing you a good stage would be the most “SHINee-like” thing to do. This year, is the year of our tenth anniversary since we debuted as SHINee. I’m so thankful to you for always cheering for us and encouraging us, and we will repay you with a stage that is “SHINee-like.” I love you, and thank you.

- KEY

*

Hello. This is SHINee Onew. I’m not sure how I should begin. I thank you for protecting and caring for our member who we love so very, very much, and I am simply so sorry for worrying you, our fans. I. Thought that it isn’t/shouldn’t be possible. I also thought we wouldn’t be able to do the concert. However, after hearing the message from Jonghyun’s mother to please never give up  I came to make a pledge [to myself] that, lacking as I am, I must work harder if it means it will provide comfort to the many people who miss him and are hurting somewhere. Although I’m so very lacking, I want to do everything in my power to try my absolute best for SHINee’s sake. Even if the process is challenging and arduous, I will try my hardest. Jonghyun, who is a member of SHINee forever, is always within our hearts and as he will live on forever in your — the fans’ — hearts too, I believe nothing changes. We will continue to show ourselves working hard as SHINee from now on. Thank you.

*

T/N - Square brackets are used as extra clarification.

Jinki didn’t explicitly say what he thought ‘isn’t possible’ before mentioning the concert. He may be referring to the idea of moving forward as SHINee without Jonghyun.

there is a saying that “time is medicine,” yes..

but, hm.. i don’t entirely agree with the idea that time is medicine, so. still, if time passes.. rather than saying time is medicine, i think time just covers things up. i don’t think it heals you, and if you want to heal i think it’s better to seek some other methods.

one thing i do think i can tell you is that if time passes, you will hurt a little less than you do right now.

* t/n - the korean idiom “time is medicine” is equivalent to “time heals all wounds” in english.