deep breathing

he relaxed into a smile, putting a hand on her shoulder to try to ground her and leaning in to kiss her. “you’re making a huge deal of it. it’s weird. now are you going to freak out on me? or can i give you what i got you?”

she closed her eyes as they kissed, looking up at him with a huge smile. “i’m just excited, okay? no freaking out, i promise,” she said, though they both knew that she couldn’t hold herself to that. she was an excitable person when she was in a good mood. “can i see?”

it didn’t take long for dayoon to plainly see that she couldn’t walk. he got why people were so hesitant to be near him, but god, she was just making things harder than she needed to by being all shy. “come here…” he grumbled, gently leaning down to pick her up under her legs to get her into a bridal carry, but softly, so she could push him off at any time. “it’ll be faster.”

she let out a surprised little squeak when her feet disappeared from under her, but she was genuinely surprised at how gentle he was being with her. she wasn’t expecting this from k-pop’s most notorious mess. she froze for a second, breathing still ragged and tears still flowing, but as he began to walk, she relaxed into him, trying to keep her sobs quiet as to not draw too much attention.

“That makes sense, I guess you’re not going to be the focus all the time even if your the center. Because the dance still has to like… move,” Eli said. “I definitely don’t want to run into anyone else, so I’ll keep that in mind. To like, keep some space.”

“exactly. like centers are important because they engage the audience, but everyone sings. everyone has a part. so there’s time to breathe.” she nodded. “don’t like... take too much space, though. because if you’re keeping a wide berth, and everyone else is spaced properly, you’ll stand out like a sore thumb and getting to your next position will be harder because you’ll have more ground to cover.”

“i love you a lot too. if i had to be part of a calculated global k-pop takeover, i’m glad it was with you.”

“you know, i used to be in a group with like... seven members,” jinhee began thoughtfully. “and at that time, i thought that was a ton and i was really struggling to keep up relationships with everyone, but i have to wonder if i was just too young. or if they were the wrong people. because i have such good relationships with most, if not all, of byulbit. you guys are all so important to me.”

he felt bad; he’d startled her. he scared her more. he hadn’t meant to do that– clearly she was having a terrible time already, without him. he gently put a hand on her shoulder, trying to rub gently in what he hoped was a comforting way. he didn’t know. he wasn’t good at this type of thing at all. 

“can you walk on your own?” he asked her, again, trying to keep any sort of annoyance out of his voice. “do you need help? do i need to carry you out of here?”

her eyes widened even more. carry her? that seemed like such a hassle-- she didn’t want to put him through more trouble. especially since he already had to deal with her mess right then. “i can walk,” she answered out, still shaking and sobbing as she slowly tried to stand on jelly legs, using the wall for support. she didn’t know him-- she wasn’t going to cling onto him. by all accounts, he was a diva. she couldn’t handle him yelling at her right then.

“you’re too talented for it to have never happened, jinhee. they just know how special you are and needed to find the perfect place.”

“okay, well, no need to lay it on too thick,” she said, blushing. “you don’t need to suck up....”

“alright, now, don’t get too worked up about it. you’re going to make it weird,” dayoon sighed, trying not to smile at how excited she looked. “i’m not going to give you shit all if you keep being all strange about it. those are the conditions.”

“how can i not be excited, dayoon-- you got me something,” she answered, putting her hands in her lap to try to keep from bouncing with excitement. “what constitutes as strange? i think i’m acting reasonably...”

“you already have made us proud, jinhee. we’re lucky to be able to learn from someone like you,” dita insisted.

“okay, seriously. stop now. you’re going to make me sob all over again,” she whined, giving dita a smile. “i love you a lot. thank you.”

“Positioning… you mean like where I am in the choreography in comparison to everyone else? Like that?” Eli asked. “Or is that placement. Is there a difference?”

“that’s it exactly,” jinhee said  with a nod. “where you are in the formation. there are some parts of the dance where you’re going to be in the background and someone else is going to take focus, and messing up there is way less crucial than when you’re center. and also, if you know  your positioning, you won’t run into anyone which is.......probably the worst blunder, because you mess yourself up, but you mess them up too.”

“There’s a few other reasons why debuting too young is not the move, but I suppose bad pre-debut pictures are enough of one,” Ohkyung laughed. “I can show you mine, too, I think it’s been long enough that I can let others laugh at it.”

“you deserve leader. the vote was almost unanimous,” dita pointed out. “you’re one of the hardest working members in this group, and you’ve absolutely been doing this the longest. you know the korean industry better than anyone. and you care so much. it had to be you.”

she bit her lip, trying not to tear up. she hadn’t known it was unanimous. that meant a lot to her. “i.....i’m honored. i’ll do my best to do you all proud.”

he was on a roller coaster ride that was never letting him off. every time he thought that finally spotlight was going to let traxx die and he could retire without feeling guilty and indebted to his dad, they tried something new. a new concept. member hiatus. and now a fucking subunit. this was his own personal hell. seeing eunsung again was okay, but that didn’t make up for how much he wanted this all to be over.

he played his part, though. as much as he didn’t want to be there, he’d been putting on this charade for a long time– he knew how to do it well. and when the day was finally over, he stormed out, looking for a room where he could just be alone with his self-destructive thoughts. but then he heard the crying. 

he didn’t want to go in. this was none of his damn business, and he wasn’t about to make someone else’s problem his. he had his own problems. but whoever was crying was crying bad, and he recognized the hitch in their breath. this was someone in a panic. he could at least check on them and then blast, right? make sure they were fine enough and then get them someone who could help better? at the very least he could get her somewhere else– he knew dispatch had access to this level.

grumbling to himself, he pushed into the room, finding jinhee on the floor and crouching in front of her. “hey,” he whispered, trying his best not to sound like an asshole. “hey, come on– this isn’t a good place for this. i know a room.”

her head snapped up, eyes wide with fear when she heard his voice. she hadn’t heard him come in, and it scared her, almost making the whole ordeal so much worse. shaky hands curled into fists as she cocooned more into herself. she knew him-- not personally, but she knew him. and he wasn’t someone she wanted to find her like this, by all accounts. 

but he was right. she hadn’t thought of that. if someone found her, she’d be all over the tabloids. they’d speculate and dig up old painful trauma. so she tried her best to take a deep breath, nodding slightly. she’d go with him. she just hoped she wouldn’t regret it.

she’d felt it come on during the first few stages and appearances, and it only steadily got worse. the anxiety. the trauma. the last time she’d been on stage in this way, it was mere hours before she was told the terrible news that derailed her life forever. and while she was excited and happy to be doing what she loved, it brought back so many poor memories.

she kept it together, though, just long enough for the winners to be announced before booking it offstage, finding an empty room to sit in and break down, tears free-flowing and breaths coming in shallow and jagged. this was a monumental day. so why was she feeling like the world was ending? @dayoonrv​

“you look really pretty. i can’t wait to see what they give you,” sanghee told her genuinely, putting a hand on her shoulder. “i know how long you’ve been working for this.”

“thanks, sanghee. i really honestly was starting to think it would never happen,” she answered softly.