artist by heart

I barred from myself from its beauty

I braced myself from what I wanted the most

Like how I always want to be consumed by the sunset

Like how I always want to dwell under the full moon,

That’s how I want to gaze upon its beauty

So I look back, and search where I first saw it

I look back and it is no longer there,

Where I left it. It left me, so I left.

I didn’t question God why He brought this to me. But part of me felt sorry for this magnified my insecurity. I feel so unbeautiful and insecure.  But the Bible says “For all things work together for good for those who love God and called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) Unpleasant circumstances come to us because God wants to accomplish something. He might want to shape our character to become more like Christ for His greater glory. In my case, God wanted to shift my perspective of beauty, from world’s view to His’ view. I felt so unbeautiful because I was looking at the wrong mirror, world’s mirror instead of God’s. Psalms 23:1 says “the Lord is our shepherd…” As shepherd, he won’t let his sheep fall astray forever, he will rescue them. I admit I have been under the spell of deception for so long, convinced of the parameter of beauty the world sets for us. God is gracious. He rescued me and brought me to repentance- a change of attitude. I have sinned. I was wrong. So I confessed. He is merciful. He’s forgiveness is always sufficient in us as he promised to forgive those who confess (1 John 1: 9).

This whole 20 days isolation experience is a 180 degree-turn of perspective. Now every time I look at the mirror seeing those scars on my face, I place my faith on His word in Psalms 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that fully well.” God created me wonderfully. I am beautiful in His sight. The world has no hold in my identity.

Lastly, let me leave this statement. His grace brought me to repentance. His forgiveness is sufficient in me. His love has been seeing me through. I am Jill. I am loved by our Creator. I believe that I am beautiful, not as the world sees me but how the Lord God sees me.

In human nature, we typically love someone because we want them to love us back. We love them because we like

them. We love those who are affable. We have predilections.  And I am not excuse to these truths.

I give love for me to receive love. Yeah! We give for us to receive. This is true. It’s our basic need-to love and be loved.

 I never loved differently until God exposed me to His love. Oh! Not that I’m not aware of His unconditional love and the

good news about Jesus.  I know what Jesus did and I want to be like Him in character. 

Okay! Let’s go back to the “loving” thing. The love that I know and I’m good at is philial love. It’s one of the four kinds of

love. It goes this way:  It’s an egocentric love.  You love for you to be loved back. There’s an expectation involved.  This love is risky. I have personally experienced the risk-the risk of being not loved in return, the risk of getting hurt, the risk of failed expectations. This love is exhausting. It will exhaust you to death. It almost killed my ability to love. It’s traumatic and paralyzing. And when you’re at the height of your emotional hurt, there’s nothing you can do to rationalize it. And you’ll be the bitterest person in the face of the Earth. Yes! I have experienced all these.  I can still remember the word I uttered to Lord, and it’s quite dramatic. “ God wala po akong ibang maihaharap sa inyo kundi ang basag kong puso. Hindi ko na po alam pano pa ako magmamahal muli. God, Im crawling,pick me up.”

But God is faithful. His ways are faithful. He picked me up. He revived me. God allowed me to experience the hurt for a while. He gave me a taste of how it feels to be rejected. He taught me how to love like Jesus. He gave me a glimpse of Christ’s suffering.  He showed me His ways. He led me to His truth.  I realized I was hurt because I expected from the person. And it shouldn’t be that way.

God wants me to shift from philial to agape kind of love. He wants me to love like Jesus-to love unconditionally, to discount my expectations, to stop loving egoistically, and to stop gratifying myself by the love of others.  The bottom line is He wants me to be contented and satisfied with His love that His love would fuel me to love others. Yes! His love is enough, more than enough.

Hindi man nila ako mahalin, mahal Nyo naman ako. E reject man nila ako, tanggap Nyo naman ako.  Patuloy po akong magmamahal hindi dahil, mahal ako ng mga taong mahal ko o kaya naman dahil they are worthy of my love, kundi dahil ito ang nais Nyo.  I will not withhold love from people simply because they hurt me or they might hurt me.  I will not be threatened by the risk of getting hurt but I will be encouraged to love more. I will love you because God loves you. If this is it what takes to become more like Christ and to glorify Him, then bring it on.  I will only stop loving people when You stop loving me too.