譚健

Joonie dropped his phone on the couch where he’d been laying around after Jian’s last text, making a checklist of things as he dove head first into Operation: Cheer Up Jian. Hm. Scratch that. Operation: Cheer Up Buddy. Code name: CUB. During his internal rambling, that admittedly did make him smile, Joonie grabbed one of his favourite blankets and threw it into the dryer to make sure it was warm when he took it over. After steps two, three and four of his amazing plan; put on pants, gather food and get the blanket out, Joonie was using his foot to knock on Jian’s door, hugging the blanket to keep it as toasty as possible.

Jian was laying on the floor of his living room, three drinks in. Who would’ve thought Mike’s Hard Lemonade would actually taste good? Not Jian. His co-worker Stanley was right. But now Jian was drunk and thinking about his ex. He remembered that he was dumped by the person he thought was his soulmate two years ago to the date and had to throw himself a pity party to celebrate. As he heard a knock on the door, he groaned and rolled around before getting up and answering. “Minjoon, hi...” he said, realizing in that moment that he was wearing Christmas penguin pajama pants.

Joonie greeted Jian with a smile and a quiet hi as he set down the picnic basket so he could drape the blanket over his shoulders.  “Warm and soft always makes me feel better.” Minjoon smiled, retrieving the basket again and patting the lid lightly. “Food too. I brought things to make you either the best mushroom risotto you’ll ever eat ever or the best pizza bagels you’ll ever eat. Depends on how soon you feel up to eating.”

He blinked at Minjoon in confusion, almost forgetting about the texts he had sent not long ago. “I, uh, I’ve never had pizza bagels before,” he admitted. His parents considered it to be junk food, and they never kept much junk food in the house. As an adult, Jian internalized their lessons about healthy eating, but he occasionally went to drive-thrus after long days at work. “Have you ever had Mike’s Hard Lemonade before? My co-worker said it was tasty and I didn’t believe him, but it does taste like lemonade!” He snuggled up in the blanket, bringing it closer to his face. “This smells nice.”

“Pizza bagels it is! And they’ll be the yummiest you’ll ever eat ever and they’ll ruin all other pizza bagels for you forever.” Minjoon nodded confidently. He may have been biased, considering he’d made both the bagels and the sauce he brought over. “Um.. nope. I can’t say I have. I like making cocktails because it’s about flavours and that’s like my one skill. I mostly like wine though because of how well it pairs with food and I love food so that’s mostly what I drink if I’m at home or a friends.” He felt his face flush when Jian commented on the blanket. “Ah, that’s my uh.. I have a pillow mist? It’s lavender, jasmine and sandalwood. I put it on my blankets too because it’s supposed to be soothing.”

“Oh. I guess I’m trying new things today.” He was genuinely interested to see how this would turn out. “I don’t like too many alcohols because of the taste. I liked the cocktails you made that one time because they tasted like fruits. Every beer I’ve ever tried tasted like wet bread. I think I tried wine once and didn’t like it.” Most of his alcohol-based misadventures occurred during college. He tried a bunch of different things but disliked most of them. “Your pillow mist is nice. You’re nice.”

“You’ll have fun, I promise. If not fun, you’ll at least have a full tummy.” Joonie put his hand on Jian’s shoulder to guide him back slightly and let himself in so he could close the door behind himself. “We don’t want the little ones escaping. Ollie, really. Reggie will probably take some time but better safe than sorry.” Minjoon could only nod in agreement at the opinion on the drinks. “Yeah, I’m not really a beer drinker. I don’t really like it but cocktails that don’t taste like alcohol are the best. Except for the fact that you can just drink them like juice and get drunker than you want to. Do you really like it? I can get you some.”

"Having a full tummy is a good idea. I didn't eat dinner yet." He didn't have any plans for dinner and was most likely going to eat leftovers before Joonie arrived. "Reggie is in his tank. I'm not sure where Ollie is. He's probably asleep on my bed. Or in my laundry hamper." If he was awake, he would have already darted for the door. "I don't think I need any more alcohol. I'll just become more sad." Too much alcohol made him sad and he never figured out how to fix that.

“This won’t come as a surprise but I’m full of good ideas when it comes to food. Mostly because my ideas just involve eating and that’s always a good idea.” Joonie nodded when Jian explained where the pets were, not quite sure where Jian’s room or the hamper was so he couldn’t try and peek to wave at Ollie. “No, I don’t think you should drink any more unless it water or juice.” He paused slightly, looking at the bags he brought before he set them down where he stood and opened his arms. “Do you want a hug?”

"You do love food... I don't mean that as a bad thing. Just an observation. You make good food and you have good taste." The last thing Jian wanted was for Joonie to think he was insulting his weight or eating habits. When asked whether he wanted a hug, he hesitated. He knew a hug would feel very nice and comforting right now, but he was afraid he'd start crying if he was hugged. He didn't want to be perceived as a pathetic baby, even though he felt like one on the inside. After a moment of silence, he caved in, burying his face in his friend's shoulder.

“I really do. It’s always been that um.. Like a constant? It’s always been a source of comfort for me.” He wrapped Jian up in a hug when the other leaned into it, his crooked fingers stroking the hair at the nape of his neck before he was massaging it the way that always helped soothe him. “I’ve got you.”

“My computer and my gaming consoles have been my source of comfort since I was young. If I feel lonely or sad, I can play a game and become someone else for a little while.” As soon as he finished saying his thought aloud, he realized just how sad it sounded. He thought to himself, ’I really am pathetic.’ He took a few deep breaths, trying to keep it together as his friend touched his hair, until he finally snapped and started crying into Minjoon’s shoulder.

“That’s the same for everyone, isn’t it? Why we have so many games where we’re the hero? Where at the end of it, we’re the ones who save the day and everything is okay.” He hoped his reassurance came across as exactly that, a reassurance, and not him trying to invalidate Jian’s feeling of comfort. Joonie understood how hard it can be to open up, to spill secrets no matter how big or small. He wrapped his arms tighter around Jian, rest his chin on his shoulder and held him closer; another quiet “I’ve got you.” leaving him.

“I— I guess so. I haven’t put too much thought into it.” He wanted to be able to save the day and make everything okay in his own life, but he didn’t even think he was the main character of his story. If anything, he was the villain who ruined everything. “Why are you so nice?” he mumbled, squeezing Joonie even tighter.

“And that’s okay too. Not everything has to have a reason, you can enjoy things simply because they’re enjoyable.” Minjoon spoke softly, trying to be as gentle as possible with Jian so he knew he was in a safe space. “I’m not so nice, I’m Minjoon.” Even with the joke, he kept his voice light but still, the corners of his lips curled up slightly in amusement at himself as he squeezed back.

Jian was heading home from the drycleaner. As he unlocked the front door to the building, he noticed someone approaching. The man looked familiar to Jian, but he couldn't put his finger on where he had seen this face before. The stranger definitely didn't live in his building, but perhaps he had visited before. He held the door open for the other man, offering a polite wave.

Brandon checked his messages for what felt like the hundredth time since he’d left his apartment before slipping the phone into his jacket pocket. Now that he wasn’t distracted by the device, he realised the door was being help open for him and quickened his pace slightly. He should say thank you, like any normal person would. Instead he flashed the other male a smile as he passed. “Cute and courteous. Must be my lucky day.”

The stranger's words brought a light blush to Jian's face. After hearing his voice and getting a closer look at him, he realized where he had seen this man. "Uh, you... You know Minjoon, right? You've been in his videos before, I think. At least I think it's you. I'm sorry if I'm mistaking you for someone else."

The blushing was cute but it was the others comments that caused him to grin, even giggle a little as he nodded in confirmation. “I can’t believe I’m getting recognised from Joonie’s videos. That’s cute, I’ll have to tell him he’s making me famous. You’re a fan of his channel then?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. He told me that he made videos, so I decided to start watching them to support him.” Joonie was his friend, and he also had good recipes. “My name is Jian. I live on the same floor as Minjoon.” He wondered if Minjoon had mentioned him at all, but he doubted it. He wasn’t really worth mentioning.

“Hold the fuck up. You’re Jian? I can’t believe he could take an hour to tell me about a recipe for Reginald but couldn’t take five seconds to tell me that you’re hot.” Brandon shook his head, tutting in disapproval. “Not even five, more like three. So how long have you known Joonbug, then?”

“... Yes?” he answered, confusedly. He was surprised that he knew who he was, and even more surprised when he was called hot. “I-I... what?” he stammered. He didn’t know how to respond to the compliment, so he quickly tried to change the subject. “Um... we started really speaking to each other in January of this year. I’ve lived here since September of 2019 though.”

“It’s nice to finally be able to put a face to the name. If I’d known it looked like that I would have come and said hi sooner.” He was getting more and more amused at how easily Jian seemed to be thrown off with the compliment. “You’ve lived in here longer than Joonbug then. Damn, if I’d known Mav had some kind of hot people only requirement, I would have gotten an apartment here instead. Maybe I should...”

“I, uh, I’m sorry. I’m not sure what your name is. I’ve seen your face in the videos but I’m not the best with names.” He felt bad, but also thought it would be better to ask than to pretend that he knew his name. “Oh, you know Maverick too?” he asked, getting increasingly redder the more the stranger complimented his appearance.

He raised an eyebrow, still amused at the responses he was getting but he still held out his hand to be polite. “Brandon. My friends call me B, my employees call me Queenie and if you’d like, you can call me at any time.” Brandon have a small nod, his smile becoming fond at the topic of his friend. “Yeah, Mavie and I are good friends. Joonie and I have brunch every weekend with the whole family.”

Jian shook Brandon's hand, feeling silly for not making the connection until now. "Oh! You're Brandon! I've heard about you, but I never put the face to the name. I can... wait, uh, but I don't have your phone number..." He scratched the back of his head in confusion. "Oh, we hang out sometimes. I've never had brunch with his family though. I think it would be a little inappropriate because his sister is my boss."

“That’s okay, I prefer having some kind of reputation proceed me.” His smile was amused as Jian made the point about his number and reached into his bag for a pen and one of his cards, stepping into his space and pressing the card to Jian’s chest so he could write his cell on it too. “There’s an easy fix to that..” He rolled his eyes at that but kept smiling. “I tell his mom all the time how hot she is. I don’t understand inappropriate.”

Jian was extremely confused about what was happening and didn’t have the words in English to express how he felt about this interaction. Was this flirtation? Was he just extremely friendly? Jian honestly couldn’t tell. “I’m sorry, you do what now?” Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell had hired him, and he had a lot of fear and respect for both of them.

Slipping the pen back into his bag, Brandon giggled and shook his head. “Every time I see her, I tell her how hot she’s looking, offer to pay for the divorce so I can be Mav’s new step dad, all that jazz.” He waved it off as though it was no big deal. “So you work with his sister? I could have sworn that Joonie said you were a computer dude or something?”

Jian blinked at Brandon. "Why do you want to become Maverick's step-father?" he asked, curiously. Though he wasn't certain if he actually wanted to know the answer. "I work for her. She's my boss. I'm a cyber security engineer. My job is to make sure Maxwell Energy's business secrets and financial records don't fall into the hands of hackers."

“Is that really even a question? His dad is hot and rich, I wouldn’t be opposed to being his sugar baby and his mom is a beautiful, successful woman. I wouldn’t be opposed to being her sugar baby either. Or maybe I just want Maverick to call me daddy for a change.” Brandon had barely reached the end of his sentence before he started grinning and he had to press his lips together to bite back a laugh. “That’s hot. I’m not really a computer person myself but that sounds a little dangerous and a lot sexy so kudos. Now I’m no longer surprised why he tried keeping you to himself.”

"I-I don't think I can think about the people who hired me in that kind of context..." The Maxwells were objectively an attractive family, but as an employee of their company, this whole conversation felt inappropriate. Brandon didn't work for them, as far as Jian was aware, so it probably wasn't an issue for him at all. Brandon's next comment caused even more confusion for him. Who was keeping Jian to himself? Minjoon? Why would he do that? "What do you mean by that?"

“Huh. I’m pretty sure that’s not how being attracted to someone or finding someone attractive works but you do you buddy.” Brandon’s grin softened into an amused smile, a small roll of his eyes. “I mean you’re this close by and I’m only just meeting you now, without him introducing us. Probably because I can be a menace when I want to be but can’t we all?”

"Brandon, I am not sexually attracted to my bosses. I am too afraid of them for that... and I don't know why I said that out loud." He was getting flustered by this conversation, to say the least. "I assumed it was because he liked my animals more than he liked me... And once again, I'm oversharing. Sorry." He usually only overshared like this if he was drunk. He wasn't even the slightest bit intoxicated, so he had no idea why this was coming out.

Jian’s candidness caused a laugh to escape him and he had to bring his hand up to cover his mouth. “Oh my god. You don’t have to want to bone them to think they’re attractive. You’ve totally thought about it, that’s hilarious! Don’t worry, Jiji, your secret is safe with me. I won’t bring it up on purpose at brunch, at least.” He snorted softly, teasing Jian with how easily he became flustered. “Surely if that was the case, we’d have met sooner and I’d be the perfect distraction so he could chill with your pets. Don’t take it personally though, everyone thinks animals are easier than people and you must already know he can be an anxious bean.” He hummed quietly, scrunching his nose up. “It’s my cute, innocent face and maybe tiny Joonie trusting me. Lures you into a sense of security, right?”

“You know, it’s very irresponsible of you to leave your job without having another one lined up,” Shu scolded. 

“I need a break,” Jian retorted, not wanting to give any more details than that.

“I thought you liked California,” Chang chimed in. 

“I guess I’m like you. I can’t stay in one place for long.” Jian tried to laugh it off, but there was pain in his voice. Leaving was painful every time he did it. It was painful not to have a place to call home. It was painful starting over, over and over again. But this time, he needed to leave. 

“When will you be here?” Shu asked, deciding to drop her lecture for now.

“September 1st. That’s when my lease expires. Thank you for agreeing to watch Oliver and Reginald.”

“And how long do we have to watch them for?”

“I’ll come back to pick them the week after. Two weeks at most. Thank you again. I love you.” Jian hung up the phone before either of his parents could respond. They weren’t an affectionate family; he knew they wouldn’t have said they loved him back anyways. 

It was officially decided: he was going to leave Santa Monica. One of his strongest ties to the city was gone, and the others would be okay without him. Things were going to be different this time though; he was actually going to try to keep in touch with his friends and acquaintances in Santa Monica. As for his strongest tie, Jian was going to find him. Minjoon never told him where his family lived, but addresses were a matter of public record. And if worse came to worst, he could contact Brandon and try to get an answer that way. 

Jian sat on the roof of his apartment, dangling his feet off the edge. He came up here when he wanted to watch the sunset or when he wanted to be completely alone. Today was the latter. He had his text messages open and kept reading the same two messages over and over. He kept reading the texts, but couldn’t muster up a response. 

[Minjoon] There’s been a family emergency so I’m not going to be around for a while ☹️

[Minjoon] I’m going to miss you bunches! You’re cool and nice and lovely and cute, I hope you remember that on days when you’re not feeling your best 💙

Why did it have to end like this?

Just like that, one of his few ties to Santa Monica was gone. And for once, he didn’t do anything to drive anyone away. It wasn’t his fault that Minjoon had to leave. Family was important; Jian would have done the same exact thing if anything happened to his parents or grandparents. However, he couldn’t help but wonder if Joonie was ever going to come back. 

He has to come back... 

He didn’t have to though. He didn’t have to do anything. He didn’t need to return to Santa Monica just because Jian wanted him there. If he wanted to move back in with his family permanently after the situation was over, that was his choice. If he wanted to move to a completely new city and start from scratch, that was also his choice. At the end of the day, Joonie could live wherever he wanted and there was nothing that Jian could do about it. 

Still, he couldn’t help but be sad. He couldn’t have good things in his life. Everything good had to come to an end, whether it be through his own self-destructive actions or unfortunate outside circumstances. Everyone left him, sooner or later. It was an ever-growing reminder that he was alone in the universe.  

Everything comes to an end. Why shouldn’t I?

He looked over the edge and wondered what would happen if he just leaned forward. He would plummet to his death. His life would end. His soul would finally be free from all the emotional pain and anguish. But what would become of his soul? He soul wouldn’t know peace, not yet, at least. He knew he hadn’t reached Nirvana. The cycle of samsara wouldn’t end for him. Would he have another chance at humanity? Would he be able to make up for his past mistakes? Or would he become something that nobody wanted around, like a bug or a rat?

And what would become of his body? Innocent bystanders on the street would have to see his bones shattered and blood splattered across the pavement. Some poor sanitation worker would have to clean up his corpse. Someone would have to call his parents. They would have to hold a funeral for him. What would happen to his body? He definitely wouldn’t be able to have an open-casket funeral, as per Buddhist tradition. Would his mangled remains be thrown in a casket, locked tightly so no one would have to look at what had become of him? Would he be cremated right away? Would his parents bother to make an altar for their disappointment of a son? If they did, would anyone come to pay respects?

And what would become of the people in his life? His parents would die ashamed and without an heir. What would become of their wealth and assets was beyond him. Verity and Sean would move on-- they already were moving on. They were both perfectly fine without him. Maverick would find another tenant to rent his apartment. Alexandra would find another cyber security engineer to protect her company secrets. Trixie would find another person to offer cupcakes to when they’re nervous. Kian would find another partner to play video games with. His internet friends would also find other partners to play games with. Minjoon would find another person-- to bake cookies for and send memes to. Everyone would forget him after a while... or would they? 

I need to go inside.

He remembered the words Joonie wrote to him, just for him. “You’re cool and nice and lovely and cute, I hope you remember that on days when you’re not feeling your best.” Even though the message was sent over text, Jian heard the words in his mind as if Joonie was saying them. Those words were just for him, for a day like this, when he wasn’t feeling his best. For now, at least. Until he did something to fuck it up and have the sentiment revoked.

His friend’s-- his crush’s-- words weren’t enough to cure his depression, but they were enough to pull him off the edge and remind him of what he had in his life. He had a job to work. He had rent and bills to pay. He had pets to feed and care for. He had people in his life to talk to, friendships to foster and nourish. He still had a life. He had time to make better choices and do good in the universe. He couldn’t let one bad day push him over the edge.