I got you, babygirl

His thoughts had been on Tess - on how all he had left of her was the promise he made regarding his current cargo, and the fact that with Bill and Frank gone, and Tommy’s fate uncertain, keeping her memory alive rested fully on his shoulders. He was the only one left who knew the slant of her smirk or the kind of things that put it there. He was the only one who knew about her penchant for trashy old romance novels, the only one familiar with the sound of her hum as she washed dishes or cleaned her gun, the only soul to swipe salty tears from her cheeks on nights when she couldn’t keep up the facade. He was the only one left who knew Tess, and not just the hardened survivor she had become. 

But that wasn’t quite true. 

He cleared his throat and glanced over at his passenger, the girl’s eyes trained expectantly on him as she waited for his answer. The ghost of disappointment over his response to whether or not he saw her as family still lingered there, but it wasn’t enough to stifle her inquisitive nature. A pang of guilt struck dully through his chest, and Joel recognized it as the vestigial need to put her mind at ease the way he would have done for his own daughter in another lifetime. It faded quickly. She wasn’t Sarah, and his heart had already reached its limit on the number of times it could break without killing him, so he couldn’t afford to let her inside of it. 

The look on his face must have given her the impression that he hadn’t heard her question, so she asked it again. “The tomato lady.” She blinked, clearing the wispy disappointment from her eyes as she resituated herself in the seat. “If we’re taking a detour just to deliver a letter to her then you must give a shit. So do you see her as family?” 

Joel frowned and considered her question as your face filled his memory. He hadn’t seen you in just under a year, and he could count on one hand the number of times he’d had a conversation with you that lasted more than five minutes. But those few conversations had been warm and welcome ones, ones held around the table at Bill and Frank’s over a well-cooked meal and a bottle of wine he’d be helpless to remember the name of, ones that fostered laughter and made the prospect of soldiering on in a rotten, broken down world seem more worthwhile. You’d become special to Bill and Frank, the pair often talking about you when you weren’t there, so even though he hadn’t spent a ton of time with you, Joel still felt like he knew you. 

Like you, in a small way, knew him. 

Moreover, you knew Tess. She, like Frank, had been far more receptive to the idea of growing their social circle beyond the four of them, and you and she had hit it off from the start. He saw how easily she let you in, how you provided a kind of friendship for her that he simply couldn’t. He saw how unguarded she was with you, even in just those handful of times you’d all been together. He noticed an uptick in her mood on days when they knew you’d be at Bill and Frank’s, and though he, like Bill, had bristled at first when it came to including you in their lives, Joel knew that Tess never had. 

Joel thought back to the day he met you, a coincidental crossing of paths during an unscheduled trade run, the stress of getting back to Boston as quickly as possible to get Tess out of lockup hanging over his head as Frank introduced you to him. You’d given him a smile then, even though all he could muster in return was a scowl, one that he wore until he and Tess were back in their apartment, thin early-morning sunlight peeking through the shades. 

“Did you know Bill and Frank have been talkin’ to other people? Invitin’ ‘em over?” 

She had asked him what had crawled up his ass to put such a look on his face, and that’s how he’d answered. 

Letting out a huff, she sunk into the battered couch cushions. “It’s just one other person, but yeah.” She said your name then. “She lives a few hours west of them. Frank found her on the radio, same as us. I met her when I was there last month, actually, and-” 

“And you didn’t think to tell me?” Joel shifted his weight to one leg, hand resting on his hip.“How do we know we can trust her?” 

He could feel the deep furrows cutting into his forehead. It wasn’t anger. Tess was her own person and he didn’t presume to think that he had any sort of control over her, or over whom she spoke to. It was more a failure to understand why she wouldn’t have mentioned you beforehand. He would have told her. Then again, he told her everything. 

Tess sighed, scrubbing one palm down over her face. “I figured you’d meet her eventually.” She let out another puff of air that only he would know was actually a laugh. “I know your stance on stranger danger, so I knew you wouldn’t be thrilled about it. You’re not what I’d call a social butterfly, Joel.” She shrugged and gave him a look that he knew meant that there was nothing he could say to refute it. “As far as trust? She’s a widowed tomato gardener who lives on her own in the middle of an abandoned town. She’s not exactly a threat to our operation. Besides, Bill trusts her, and he’s even more paranoid than you are, so that’s gotta count for something.” 

Though she was exhausted and dirty and there was a bruise forming on her left cheek from the events that led up to her capture, she hit him with that smirk he knew so well and that was all it took for him to drop his wariness. 

As he got to know you over time, he realized that Frank and Bill and Tess were right to have trusted you, to have let you in. He realized that he had unwittingly done the same. So when he and the girl he’d promised Tess he would get out of Boston and into the hands of someone who could take her to the Fireflies arrived to find nothing but a locked bedroom door and two sealed envelopes on the table, Joel didn’t even think twice about what he had to do. You deserved to know. You deserved to hear the news from someone you trusted. And as far as he knew, he was the only one left who fit that description for you. 

“There’s another letter here,” the girl had said after reading Bill’s farewell out loud. She sniffed, shuffling the envelope so she could read out your name. “Who’s that?” 

Joel’s eyes flicked involuntarily to a shelf in the kitchen where he knew he’d find a few jars of your homemade sauce. He thought back to the last book he’d seen Tess reading, some faded and dog-eared paperback with Fabio on the cover that he knew she’d gotten from you. He recalled the pleasant surprise he felt when you’d referred to yourself as his friend and he found that the description fit. 

“She’s a friend,” Joel stated, reaching his hand out for her to pass him the letters. Her eyebrows flew up in shock as she gave them to him, clearly not expecting to hear the word friend come out of his mouth. He cleared his throat and shoved both envelopes into his pocket. “A friend of Bill and Frank’s.” 

And Tess’. 

And mine. 

He left out the full truth and the girl’s shock vanished. “Oh. Well, then why are you taking it? Shouldn’t we leave it where she can find it?” 

He sighed. “She lives in the direction we’re headed. We’ll drop it off on our way outta Massachusetts.” 

“You know where she lives?” 

“Roughly.”

“Roughly?” 

“I know which town she’s in and what street she’s on, and I know she’s got a big greenhouse full of tomatoes in her yard. Won’t be too hard to find.” 

She’d tried to ask more questions then but Joel put a stop to the seemingly endless stream, telling her that he’d need some time to get the truck battery ready and that she should grab what she could from the house. To her credit, the girl dropped the topic of you and your relevance in his life. Within a few hours they’d both cleaned up and gathered what they’d need for the journey, and then they hit the road. 

That’s when the girl’s questions picked back up. When she’d asked about Tommy, which had led to Tess and finally herself, receiving the answers of “family”, “like family” and “cargo” respectively. Which had led back to you. “You must give a shit. So is she like family?” 

His nod came before he knew he was moving, but despite the fact that this was the first time he acknowledged it, Joel felt how true his response was. “Yeah. Guess she is.” 

---

Thank you for reading!! :)

Joel keeps walking, unhurriedly stepping into a bigger room with high walls and comfortable chairs to sit around, his gaze seeking his most cherished treasures: his daughter and wife. It doesn't take much to find them, always attuned to them, to be bestowed a mesmerizing sight he knows he will never tire of contemplating, of adoring.

Sarah is standing on the other side of the room, fascinated by what she's looking at, talking to her mother as she points at something inside the water. The bond between them, one carved not by blood but by choice, glows vibrantly and alive as they laugh together, filling Joel's heart with so much joy it sketches a smile on his face.

The two of them, dressed in matching flowery summer dresses and sneakers, beckon him, guide him through the space and the people scattered around the room.

Joel steps behind his wife. Her body welcomes him as soon as he invades her personal space, recognizing him instantly and leaning against him once his hands cradle her belly, ripe and heavy, carrying his child, barely four weeks away from the due date. He takes the weight of her belly on his palms, using the strength of his arms to lift it enough to relieve her body for a spell, feeling her sigh against his chest in gratitude as they start to sway, side to side.

“You doin’ ok, Sweetheart?” He whispers, nuzzling her neck, pressing his nose just below her ear, where her scent is thicker, filling his lungs with the fresh whiffs of honey and vanilla of her body lotion.

She rolls her eyes. Annoyed, but also fond and loving. Understanding of Joel's anxieties, his worry about how today could strain her body. “Yes, as I’ve been the last twenty times you’ve asked me.” He chuckles, apologising with a kiss on her cheek as she keeps talking. “Sarah is having a good time.” Joel looks down at Sarah, sitting beside the glass, staring at the sea turtles.

There are three of them swimming close. Healthy and big. They move with grace, as if they were flying, with resilience and a quiet, but mighty strength.

“Yes. We did well in coming here for the weekend.” 

Their weekend getaway was rooted in the desire to give Sarah a little adventure before the baby was born, and their lives became chaotic for a while. Sarah's only request had been to visit the aquarium, which served as the perfect excuse to drive for a couple of hours to Corpus Christy so they could visit the Texas State Aquarium and enjoy the beaches and the sea now that the summer had begun. And the heat was still pleasant and welcomed.

"Yes," she agrees, still swaying a little. “I have a question, though.” Joel hums in answer, looking at the turtles, content to enjoy the peace these gentle giants transmit. “I was thinking…”

"About?" Joel wonders, his curiosity awoken by the tone, the hints of excitement in her voice.

“Sophia or Irene?” She asks, carefully watching Joel's expression transform, his confusion melt into surprise and bewilderment.

“What?” It's his turn to ask, not daring to assume what those names mean, needing her to say it out loud as his heart drums underneath his sternum and his blood pulsates in his veins.

“For the baby.” Her hands caress her belly, tenderly roaming the covered skin as they land on top of Joel's, weaving their fingers together. "They mean wisdom and peace. Respectively. Have I ever told you that the sea turtles were my grandma's favourite animal?" She explains, cherishing the memories of the woman who taught her to cook and helped raise her. "She once told me that those are some of the symbols sea turtles are related to. And those names are on our list. Maybe it's a silly reason to choose our daughter's name, but Sophia has been on my mind a lot these past days."

“Sophia?” Joel’s astonishment floods his voice.

“Yeah…”

“We’re having a girl?” He asks again, needing to hear her state it once more.

“Yes,” she admits, the corner of her mouth pulled up, sheepish and unrepentant, caught in her mischief, but too ecstatic to care. Her teeth nibble her lower lip, waiting for Joel's reaction. “I'm sorry. I know we said we’d wait until she was born, but when I went back inside the doctor's office at the last appointment to grab my purse, I couldn't stop myself, and I asked the doctor."

“Another girl, uh? Fuck.” Joel buries his face in her shoulder, trying to contain the wave of emotion flooding him. He fails, the awe in his voice, the tears dampening her skin, and his shaking body betray him as he squeezes her harder against him. Elated, blissfully happy at the news, already certain of how thrilled Sarah will be.

The giggles flee from her ribs, too big and powerful to contain, as she nods, pressing her cheek to Joel's curls, with no rush to move, giving Joel the safety to stay still as her revelation sinks into his bones.

Before, when fate slashed him deep enough to scar his soul, when being forsaken took on a new meaning, sharper and viler. And he became a single father, barely sleeping, working as many hours as his body could endure, constantly feeling like he was drowning, failing constantly, unfit, never good enough to be a father as Sarah's milestones kept coming, suffocating him with his anxiety: the first word, the first steps, the teething, the first cold and stomach bugs, the first cut deep enough to need stitches. He never thought he could have this, a confidant, a best friend, a lover, a wife with whom to face any obstacle together, with whom to raise Sarah, and welcome more children into their family.

His person had appeared when he least expected. She had been a wave of fresh air, a kindred spirit who saw him, understood him in a way that had never happened to him, bewitching him, healing his scars with patience and love.

And as he moves, grinning, gazing at her before leaning forward, ravenous for her lips, he's certain, with an unwavering faith. His life hadn't turned out as he expected or dreamed of. However, he's on the winning side.

Sarah blew out a breath and tapped her nails against the table as she watched Angelina work in the booth across the diner. She noted the barely touched mug of coffee next to the open laptop, couldn't help but be drawn to the gentle tap of the biro pen against the ceramic.

Angelina seemed nervous. Sarah had watched her arrive and set herself up at one of the window booths, before doodling absentmindedly in the notebook and staring out of the window for most of the time.

Every time there was movement out on the street, or the tinkle of the bell sounded above the door, Angelina's head would whip up and her eyes would narrow in on the door.

Sarah watched from the counter of the diner for a while, amused, anticipating what was to come. Would this help her? More importantly, would it help her dad?

She hoped so.

Soon enough, the bell tinkled softly and Sarah felt the energy shift in the room even before she saw her dad's broad figure fill the frame of the door. Almost instantly, both Sarah and Angelina were on their feet: Angelina to greet Joel, and Sarah to make her way closer.

"Sorry to keep ya," Joel was saying as he slid into the opposite booth seat. He had just waved off Angelina's apologies for calling him at his place of work. Clearing his throat as he settled in, the leather of the seat creaked as he spoke again, "Job ran late an' my brother, although loveable, is an idiot."

Sarah laughed loudly at this, had missed her dad and uncle ribbing one another constantly. Her breath caught when Joel and Angelina glanced towards her, through her, as if they had heard her laughter.

"So uh…" Joel continued, lifting a hand up to scratch behind his neck and quickly looking down at the shiny table top. "Look, I'm not sure why you asked me here exactly, but I- I just wanna say righ' off the bat, I'm not-" Sarah noted the red flush on her dad's cheeks and realised a few moments after Angelina what had him feeling so uncomfortable. "I'm not really lookin' for-"

"Oh, no, I- oh, God, I never even thought- calling you up at your job and asking you to meet me at a diner really does sound like I was making a move, doesn't it?" Angelina dropped her head into her hands and covered her eyes.

At this, Joel laughed. "Y'know what, I knew that wasn't the reason, but that loveable idiot brother of mine got in my head. Sorry for bringin' it up. I- I didn' wanna make you uncomfortable."

He still looked pink in the face, Sarah noticed, but was looking much more relaxed now. Relieved. She grinned.

"No, you didn't," she smiled gently and Sarah watched her dad return it as Angelina continued. "I- Okay, this is going to sound insane, but after this morning, I couldn't get it out my head. I felt compelled to call you. Like… like someone wanted me to."

Sarah glanced between the two adults and saw that her dad didn't look quite as sceptic as she thought he might. He nodded as if in understanding.

"Can I- can I ask what she was like?" Angelina ventured. "You don't have to tell me, and in fact, you could stand up and walk out and never see or speak to me again if you wanted to, but-"

Sarah noticed Angelina's eyes were shining, and when she glanced at her dad, Sarah knew he wouldn't leave.

"-but Sarah was the first patient I was ever a lead on, and I think about her all the time. I stopped imagining what my patients are like outside of a hospital setting, it just make it easier to deal with, y'know? But she's one I never quite manage to do that with."

"I get it," Joel gruffed, "can't be easy havin' to face all that you do. So you do what you can to get through it, right?"

Sarah hoped she never saw that haunted look in her dads eyes again.

Angelina smiled at Joel, looking him square in the eye for the first time.

"I bet she was funny," Angelina's voice was close to a whisper.

"I don't know what it is about me, but both of my daughters are hilarious. Sarah was- she was a smartass," he laughed but quickly continued, squinting against the harsh glare of a passing car headlight, "but she was also clever. She was so thoughtful, kind, and- and endlessly patient. She kept me goin' for the longest time. Then I adopted Ellie and it just felt like Sarah became all of those things tenfold."

Sarah hardly breathed; watching her dad practically blossom as he spoke about her to a stranger made her feel loved. She felt that warmth in her chest from earlier, and couldn't help but smile at the interaction.

Angelina was nodding along with everything Joel was saying.

"She played for the soccer team, got more medals than I had room for in my damn house. Was the best big sister to Ellie. I knew she would be, she took so well to Ellie immediately. An' it was Sarah who helped Ellie to be so comfortable in our home, who helped and supported her through all the transitions from fosterin' to adoptin'."

Angelina was nodding again, a smile spreading across her features as she painted a mental picture. Sarah's chest felt like it was heavy, cracking in two with the kind words he was speaking about her.

There was a pause in Joel's speech and Sarah saw Angelina's eyes fog over a little. Her fingers twitched as if she wanted to stretch over the table and touch Joel's hand.

"I knew she would be," Angelina whispered. Sarah watched Joel's eyes soften and then glanced across from him to see the doctor straighten, as if suddenly realizing what had been said.

"I- I'm sorry if that's overstepping. It’s just, I think about her a lot. I always do, with the patients I lo-" Her voice trailed off and she cleared her throat. "I need to pack it away when I'm in there y'know, shove it deep down, but I think about them all."

It was Joel's turn to nod, "I understand. People always used to say she was somethin' special," he smiled, just the corner of his mouth lifting gently, "and they were right. I might be biased, though."

At this, the doctor laughed gently but agreed. Joel's eyes flinched as another car's headlights passed by the window.

"I'd been thinking about her more often this week," Angelina confessed, glancing across from her as if to gauge Joel's reaction. Sarah saw him swallow as he drummed a thumb against the table top a few times.

"'s been five years," he eventually said, pushing against the edge of the table and pressing his back into the booth when another car passed by, illuminating his face, before relaxing again once it had passed. "Happened here," he looked around the diner and Sarah watched Angelina balk.

"Joel I-"

"Actually," he braced, then nodded to the street outside, dipping his chin into his chest, "happened there. I was sittin' where you are."

Sarah stared hard at her dad, her bones suddenly feeling like jelly. She hadn't known he had saw it all happen, and she imagined it would have felt like slow motion for him as he watched her bones crack against the metal of the car, and then again on the asphalt.

"Shit," Angelina's sharp whisper brought Sarah out of her thoughts, but she was still staring at Joel, at her dad's tired face. She wondered if he'd ever not look tired again.

"I had no idea, I'm so s-"

"No, no need for that. I've been tryin' to come here more and more. It was her favorite place."

"Strawberry sundaes," Angelina said softly, and Joel mirrored her voice as he repeated, confirmed, strawberry sundaes.

A few moments of silence passed between the two adults in the booth and Sarah watched, almost in awe, as her dad began to seem comfortable.

"Y'know, I hope it's not too bold to say, but I think I can see where Sarah got it from. Ellie too, from what I saw. Seeing the way you've spoken about Sarah, the way you are with Ellie, and now knowing that note came from you? It all just clicks," Angelina spoke now, her eyes shining with tears that Sarah could see on her waterline. "I couldn't believe it this morning, knowing I could finally put a face to the name on that scrap of paper. I don't know, like I said, I felt compelled to call you."

Angelina finished with a small shrug and didn't quite meet Joel's gaze. Sarah watched his eyes, her own eyes, soften.

"I'll be honest, I don't even remember what I wrote on it. I wasn't in a good place. Don't even remember why I wanted to go back to the hospital, just that they told me I couldn't see you."

"It was my first week as lead, and I had been covering overnights too. At one point I think I didn't leave the hospital for about fifty hours. And the day I went back to my office and saw that note, I broke down. Your words…" she trailed off, and Sarah watched Joel shift, another set of headlights illuminating his face. "They stay with me all this time. I read them when I'm having a rough day. Or week," she amended with a laugh.

"Well," Joel replied, "'m real glad I could offer you some comfort."

"I remembered earlier, just before I called, that I was called into another emergency surgery right after Sarah's," she took a breath, twirling her thumbs, "so I wasn't the one to inform you of what happened. All this time, I thought it I had been."

Sarah gulped and straightened her spine, anticipation crawling through her: this was it. The air around them changed.

"I won't- I don't pretend to know what you went through, what your lived experience has been, and I can only imagine that seeing me after all these years will have brought up mixed or confusing feelings, but I-"

At her pause, Sarah's leg started to bounce.

"Come on," Sarah muttered under her breath, "come on!"

Angelina and Joel both glanced to the side once more and Sarah clamped her hand over her mouth, convinced now that they could hear her somehow.

She watched as the two adults shared a glance.

"Did you-"

But Joel shook his head, pointing in Sarah's direction, a nuh-uh of denial sounding from him, but Sarah knew better. He knew she was there.

"Keep goin'," he encouraged, "please."

"Oh, well, I- I wanted to offer you the chance, if you wanted to know what- happened. As little or as much as you want. Just… I don't know what they told you, or how much you know, but if that could help you in some way, I'm happy to offer it to you."

Joel was quiet for a long time. Sarah found herself desperate to shake him, to bring a bit of life back into him as he stared off out into the street. But just as she couldn't take it any longer, he spoke.

"I think-" his voice sounded rough, and he cleared his throat before continuing, "I think I'd like that."

He scrubbed a hand over his eyes a few times and then down his face to his jaw. "Jesus," he muttered to himself before settling in the booth, "okay. They uh, they just said it was due to her injuries, that y'did all y'could, an' mentioned a surge." He shrugged, "I thought for a while they just meant elctrics or somethin'. Wasn' thinkin' straight. Makes sense it would be somethin' to do with her, right? But like I said, Sarah and Ellie, they're the smart ones. Weren't 'til much later we found out what it really meant."

Sarah had no doubt he was thinking of Ellie's research file. She watched Angelina hold her breath while Joel was speaking, nodding along in understanding.

"Well, yeah. Surges are rare, but they do happen. Had never happened with me before then, and she gave us all one hell of a shock, but I've had one or two since."

"Can you- I think I need it all. Can you tell me? Was she in pain?" His voice cracked as he held himself together and Sarah found herself reaching to grasp his hand. His shoulders dropped a little.

Sarah remembered now, the way she had whimpered at the biting pain she felt in her chest at the time, in her head, arms, eyes. Every breath had been sheer agony, until somehow, miraculously, it all just slipped away. Floated down a lazy river and allowed peace to wash over her.

"Not in the end," Angelina croaked, likely remembering her version of events. "But she fought. My god, Joel, she fought to live."

Joel's eyes closed and Sarah squeezed his hand harder.

"We were on the way into theatre, just there in the middle of the corridor, and she woke up."

Joel's brows had pinched together, and Sarah thought he might have been trying to visualize it. Seemingly despite himself, Joel laughed and Sarah smiled as she gazed at him, "Sounds abou' right for her, never could keep her asleep when she was growin' up."

"That tracks," Angelina smiled. "Well, we held her, told her where she was and that we were there to help her, but she didn't seem to care. First thing she did was talk about you."

Sarah watched her dad look up sharply, "She- she spoke to you?" When Angelina nodded in confirmation, a few tears fell from Joel's eyes. He lifted his arm and pressed his face into the crease of his elbow to wipe them away. "What'd she say?"

Sarah glanced at Angelina to find tears on her cheeks too, but felt the need to turn her gaze back to her dad's face and watch as he finally learned her last words.

"She said, 'my dad, I love him, tell him. Please tell him'," Angelina's voice sounded watery, thin, as she spoke, but Sarah was watching her dad's face. Couldn't take her eyes off of him.

He had gently closed his eyes, letting a few tears escape as he tilted his head to the heavens, a wobbly smile taking over his features as another car light illuminated his features. His tears sparkled like glitter on his cheeks. She spotted this at the same time she felt an unmistakable warmth in her chest. The slow, steady burning that she now associated with feeling full, complete. She gasped as the feeling spread rapidly, from her chest outwards.

Her dad looked happy when he opened his eyes, as if he had been waiting to hear those words, and the lights still shining on his face made the gold in his eyes stand out. It almost was as if he was relieved, a weight taken off his shoulders.

As she watched, and as she felt the warmth burning through her body, time seemed to stand still around her. That look of calm in her dads eyes remained illuminated; Angelina's words - her words - stayed in the air between them.

Joel Miller was at peace.

Sarah blinked a few times, realizing that the glow from the headlights outside hadn't passed them by as the others had. When she turned to face out into the street, a loud gasp shuddered through her.

She blinked a few more times and then slowly, but somehow all at once, a gentle breeze kissed her face, feathered across her skin, lifted her curls.

When her eyes opened again, she found herself to be standing outside. The sky that should have been the inky black of night was a blazing golden sunrise, the rays shining down on a vast field. Sarah gazed around in wonder; she'd never seen anything like this before.

She could see dust motes in the suns rays all around her, and off to her left she spotted butterflies dancing between the tall lavender stems. The rows of purple went on for what must have been miles and disappeared into the blazing sky.

So in awe was she that a laugh bubbled up and escaped her throat. She was barely able to contain herself as she looked to her feet, at the area that should be a concrete road, but instead found long grass around her legs. The field was bathed in the morning light, and she laughed again, feeling lighter than she ever had.

Sarah spun around, as if somehow she was back to being five years old, riding around the cul-de-sac without her stabilisers for the first time and needing to see the look of pride on her dads face.

But Joel wasn't there.

Nor Angelina.

The whole diner, the building and all its retro 50's posters, the shiny metal tables and creaking leather booths, all of it had vanished from sight. In it’s place stood an old, strong willow tree. The gently swaying leaves seemed to sigh in the soft breeze, and Sarah felt an overwhelming sense of calm, of peace, wash over her mind, her body, her soul.

As she gazed around, more little details of the place came into focus: the birds fluttering around the branches of the willow, the chimes of birdsong around the boughs, the tickle of the wheatgrass against her skin and beneath her feet, which she found to be bare.

Another laugh, surprise this time, escaped her and she breathed in deeply.

She was finally free.

* Joel could hardly hear the next words Angelina said, about how she held Sarah's hand in the end. As he closed his eyes and tilted his head back, all he could think about was Sarah, his baby girl, and how in her final moments all she had concerned herself with was him.

Even if she was frightened, she hadn't shown it, and instead had outwardly worried about him. Had made sure that her final words had been her assurance of love for him.

When he eventually shook himself back into the present, he found Angelina staring at him through soft eyes.

"Thank you," he breathed, "for tellin' me. Really I- you don't know what it means."

He reached across the table and grasped her hand, squeezing it tightly. Unheard of for him, really, but something moved him to it.

As he brought his hand back, he glanced at the window outside, swearing he saw someone standing in the reflection.

But no, there was no one there.

He stayed a few more minutes extending his thanks. After he realized it had been over an hour they'd been sitting, he stood to leave. He was late home.

And there it was again: that flash of a silhouette in the window, right outside his booth.

He shook it from his mind as he stood, feeling like he almost didn't know what to do with himself. Like something was missing despite knowing it wasn't.

He said goodbye to Angelina after another few thank yous and, stepping out into the night air, he took a deep breath. As the bell tinkled behind him, he heard the musical chime of laughter drifting along the street- he froze.

He knew that laughter. Felt it in his bones that it was Sarah.

He'd been ignoring little signs that she could still be around, never having believed in it before, and not wanting to seem like a hopeless fool. But actually, deep down, he knew she had been. Hearing her at the graveside on her anniversary, seeing objects fly across rooms, her neat handwriting on the side of his blueprints like she always used to leave.

She had been here. She'd been with him all along.

And now, he could hear her laughter.

It was freeing, and Joel felt weightless as he stepped towards his truck.

Inexplicably, Joel felt a laugh bubble up in his own chest as he unlocked the door. Light, freeing, and against his better judgement, he let it slip free, mingling with hers in the air around him. He paused, hand on the handle, breathing deeply again as he listened to the echoes of their shared relief, weightlessness, and he knew this time was different, that he likely wouldn't see signs of her again.

He'd made his peace with that.

He opened the door and glanced towards the window of the diner, to the booth he could now see Angelina vacating, and where he was certain he had glimpsed the shadows of Sarah. He realized that the feeling he'd had, the something that was missing, was the weight of guilt he'd had chained to his chest for the last five years.

She was free, and in that, now so was he.

Clearing his throat and glancing up to the clear night sky, he whispered, "See you soon, baby girl."

fin.

a/n: and that's a wrap! thank you SO SO SO MUCH to everyone who has stuck with me on this! you're all amazing and i'm so glad you were all on this journey with me.

"I'll be there soon, Tommy, can't y'just decide withou' me?" Joel grumbled as he shouldered the door to the diner open and made his way to the counter where he recognised Val, the waitress who he was sure had been here since he was a boy.

"Believe me, brother, I'd love nothin' more," Tommy's voice dropped and Joel could visualise him stepping away from the snooty couple who were currently making their lives miserable to speak quietly, "but they wanna talk to you. Told 'em you'd just say the same thing, but I think they're hopin' you'll take their side."

Joel heaved a sigh, scrubbing his palm down his face as the waitress approached the counter where he now stood. He ordered two coffees to go and then ended the call, calling over to Val.

"Better make 'em both doubles, darlin'," he smiled, fishing his wallet out of his back pocket when she made her way to the coffee machine with a you got it, Miller.

"Mornin', sweetheart," Val called when the bell jingled on the door behind him. Joel didn't glance up, still sifting through his wallet to pull out the cash he'd need. "Usual?"

"Please," said a voice, sounding slightly breathless, and, upon recognizing it, Joel turned to see Angelina making her way to the counter beside him. "Oh, hey- Ellie's dad, right?"

"Uh, yeah," he swallowed, nodding his head as she leaned both her elbows on the counter in front of them. They stood in companionable silence for a few moments, Joel hearing Ellie's voice in his head every second he stood there. Say something, Joel. You should tell her, Joel. Talk to her, J-

"Hey, thanks for reccomendin' the apple pie," he blurted out, wincing at his word vomit. He was fairly certain that that wasn't what Ellie would have wanted him to talk about. But how do you bring up the fact that she led the team who worked on his daughter the day she died?

"Oh, that's right!" A small noise of recognition left her throat.

"And thank you for sittin' with her too. 's been a rough few days, but that really helped her."

Angelina smiled warmly up at him, her eyes shining, voice quiet as she responded, "I'm glad."

A beat of silence passed before she spoke again, "God, that feels like weeks ago now. She said it was for you, the pie; how'd you like it?"

Joel allowed the ghost of a smile to grace his lips at Ellie's thoughtfulness, at her asking anyone for advice on something he might like.

"Was nice," he nodded, "a classic, really."

"I figured you can't go wrong with apple pie," she grinned, raising her voice slightly to be heard over the grinding of coffee beans, "especially when Val makes them!"

Val laughed loudly, setting about pouring Joel's coffees into take out cups. He found himself smiling a little wider now.

"I have to agree. My daughter, m-my other daughter that is, she hated 'em, so I jus' never ate 'em."

"Oh yeah? The daughter who likes strawberry sundaes?"

Joel felt like all the breath in his lungs had been suddenly punched out at her innocent question. Logically, he knew that Ellie must have shared this information with her, remembering that there had indeed been sundaes on the table the other night. But, for just a second, it had felt like Sarah was still alive. As if talking about her like this, in the present tense, meant that she would be walking in here from early morning soccer practise any moment.

If Angelina noticed him freezing, she didn't say anything.

"How did she like it?"

"She uh-" Joel started and stopped a few times before closing his mouth and taking a deep breath. This is what Ellie would have been wanting him to say. Truthfully, he wanted to say it himself, to get it out there. It did get easier to admit it each time, to say my daughter's dead, but it meant shattering that little moment of bliss that he'd just experienced, of believing she was still here.

"She uh, she died," he said eventually, swallowing down the small lump in his throat that always made it difficult to say the words, and staring at the coffee board above his head. He felt Angelina stiffen beside him, and drew his eyes away from the board to her face when she softly echaled.

"Oh, I-" she stopped short, muttering shit under her breath.

It surprised them both when he laughed.

She balked, seeming to panic at her reaction, which made Joel reach out his hand to touch her elbow."You didn't know."

She pulled a face at him, smiling a little when she caught his eye; "I'm still sorry." He dropped his hand from her elbow, leaning forward on the counter as he watched Val place his coffee's into a cardboard holder and turn to face them, making her way over.

"What was her name?"

"Sarah." he smiled, noting how good - how cathartic - it felt to share her name with a stranger. He slid his cash across the counter and pocketed his wallet once more just as Val handed him his coffees. "Her name was Sarah-"

"Miller," Val interrupted from the register, "you gave me too much money."

*

Angelina's blood froze. Sarah Miller. She'd never forget the name. Had been thinking about her all week, dammit. Sarah Miller.

Angelina watched on as the exchange happened between Val and Joel; him insisting she keep the change as a tip, her insisting he was just as much trouble as his younger brother.

"Well, thank you, sweetheart," she finally conceded. "And you tell that brother of yours to keep his nose clean." Val turned to Angelina now, "Yours is comin' right up."

Angelina barely heard her, had just zoned back in on Joel saying goodbye to her when she whirled back around to face him.

"Wait! It's Joel, isn't it?"

He had only gone a couple of steps, but paused on his way out, a questioning frown appearing on his brow. "Yeah-"

"Joel Miller?"

He stood still, as if debating his answer, before finally nodding.

Angelina couldn't help the gasp that escaped her throat - or the tears that sprung to her eyes - as she raised a hand to cover her mouth. He looked guilty, and she couldn't figure out why.

"You're him!"

For the longest moment, Joel looked as if he was working through his fight, flight or freeze responses. He rolled the fingers on his free hand together before sighing softly.

"I know. I didn't- I'm sorry I didn't talk about it before. It was her anniversary and-"

"Wait, you knew?"

He nodded again. "It was Ellie, she-" This time he shook his head, as if ridding himself of a stray thought. "It don't matter. I-" Another deep breath. "I know you were the woman who led the team that day, and- an' I-"

"Joel," Angelina practially whispered it, taking a step towards him; "I just meant- You- you were the one who left a note for me. At the reception desk, and I-"

She couldn't explain why she was tearing up so much, why she felt so emotional at finally being able to put a face to a name.

"Joel, I read it every day," she pushed out through a shaky breath.

He pushed his own exhale through his nose, almost in a laugh, and jumped when his cell phone rang out loudly, causing him to slosh coffee onto his hand.

"Shit," he fished his phone out of his pocket and glanced at the screen, swearing again and walking backwards towards the door once he read the name. "I'm sorry, I have to go, 'm already runnin' so late."

"No," Angelina replied, hands out in front of her and trying to hold back her inexplicable tears, "please, don't let me keep you."

"It was nice chattin' to you." He stopped dead on his way out. "An'- an' thank you for all you did for her."

Angelina felt the breath leave her lungs.

And then he was gone in a flurry of movement and a Tommy god dammit give me ten minutes that was cut off by the closing of the door.

Just as she was gathering her thoughts and scrubbing at her eyes, she heard her pager, loud and obnoxious, begin to beep. Despite the fact it had just ruined her moment, she jumped into action, heading immediately for the door and calling her apology over her shoulder to Val, promising to be back after her shift.

*

Sarah sat in Dr Alvarez's office once more, smilng gently as she watched Angelina move forkfuls of salad around the plastic tub. She'd been here for what felt like days following the conversation she witnessed in the diner just that morning.

When Joel had told Angelina that she, Sarah, was dead, she could see it in her dad's face that he felt differently. That this might have been the first time he had really, fully come to terms with it. She felt it then, a warmth in her heart. Just a small heat, as if she had been hugged.

She knew, then, that that was it. That was the key. The reason for it all.

Sarah was still here because she had to make sure her dad was okay.

It felt silly now. Almost obvious.

And when Angelina had figured out that Joel was the person to write the note she looked at every day, Sarah felt it again. A warm sensation, like a soft glow, deep in her chest.

She hadn't felt heat like it since she'd been alive.

Sarah had watched Angelina hurry out of the diner, saw the knowing smile on Val's face, and then found herself here, in Dr Alvarez's office, staring at her dad's note pinned to the noticeboard.

She wasn't alone in the end.

Sarah knew that; she hadn't been alone. Not really. Sure, she hadn't had the people she had wanted around her, but she did have a kind soul. Warm eyes. A guardian. Someone to oversee her moving from one life to the next.

When she thought back to the moment, she never could remember much. But now, she knew without a shadow of a doubt, that the love and the compassion that poured from Angelina Alvarez's very soul was what kept her feeling held and calm and safe until the very end.

Angelina's sigh interrupted Sarah's thought process. Sarah glanced to the doctor, pushing her lunch around, and then back to the note before standing and making her way to the noticeboard. She knew now, having been so seemingly tethered to her dad and to Angelina these last few days, that the reason she was here - more than making sure her dad was okay, more than trying to communicate something to him - was to ensure that Angelina passed on a final message to Joel on Sarah's behalf.

Like she had promised.

Sarah looked at the note again then nodded decisively, picking out the pin once more and moving towards the desk. As she watched the salad move in the tub - left, right, left, right, left - she dropped the note onto the desk in front of the woman, who kept glancing at the noticeboard, zoning out, and moving her salad around - right, left, right, left, right-

Suddenly, Angelina gasped and dropped the fork, allowing it to clatter to the desktop.

Sarah grinned.

With shaking hands, the doctor gripped the edges of Joel's note carefully and lifted it up towards the light. For a few long mintues she stared at the handwriting, and Sarah could see the cogs turning as she stood there, willing Angelina to get it. There was a slight frown taking over her features, as if she was concentrating hard. Eventually, she screwed her eyes up, mumbling to herself.

"No, it must have been me that told him."

"It wasn't," Sarah whispered, "but you promised you would."

Angelina's eyes shot open as she jumped, staring around as if expecting to see someone in her office.

Sarah watched, delighted, as Angelina gulped, placed the note down, and dropped her hands to her keyboard. She stretched around to see what the doctor was typing: Joel Miller, Austin.

Angelina blew out a breath when she clicked on the first link to show up: Miller Contracting, Sarah noted, smiling at the picture of her dad and uncle that popped up on the website's homepage.

She knew that her dad would have hated that, and that Tommy would have been downright gleeful watching his older brother grumble through a professional photo shoot.

Sarah watched as Angelina picked up the phone on her desk and began to dial the contact number with trembling hands. At the last moment, just as Angelina was taking a deep breath to speak, Sarah reached out and gently touched the tips of her fingers to the skin on the back of the doctors hand.

The effect was instant.

Angelina's shoulders dropped, she relaxed, and she closed her eyes as she began to speak in a steady voice.

"Hi, can I speak with Joel, please?"

Sarah wasn't able to hear the voice on the other end, only that she knew the tone wasn't that of her dad or uncle.

"Oh, well, are you able to pass on a message for me, please?"

It seemed like Angelina held her breath until the person on the other end responded.

"That's great, thank you. Could you tell him that Angelina called, and needs to speak with him?" A slight pause. "Oh, uh… no, thank you, this needs to be a face to face. I know this will sound weird, but if you don't mind, could let him know that I'll be in the diner every night after my shift this week, please? After eight." Another pause, in which Sarah smiled gently, squeezing Angelina's hand absentmindedly. "Thank you, I appreciate it. Have a great day."

Once the phone was back in it's bracket, Angelina slowly dropped her head to the desk and blew out a breath. Sarah thought she sounded relieved.

"Thank you," she whispered, so quietly that Sarah almost didn't hear her. "If that's you, thank you. And I'm sorry I took this long."

*

Tommy was laughing loudly when Joel stepped into the office.

"Oh, I like that," he snarked, seeing Tommy and Lucy, their secretary, giggling away, "leave me to deal with the assholes out there while you two live in up in here."

"Call it delegatin', big brother," Tommy's shit-eating grin made Joel wary. "Besides, Luce has somethin' that'll cheer you up."

Joel watched as Tommy nudged Lucy, who picked up a block of Post-It's.

"You're gonna get me fired," she laughed and then turned to face Joel, clearing her throat. "A woman named Angelina called, said she needs to talk to ya face to face. Said she'll be at the diner after eight every night this week."

Lucy said this all in a tone of voice that made Joel think that he now knew exactly why the pair were giggling behind the office door, but he wasn't focussing on that anymore.

Instead of answering his brothers loaded question, who's Angelina?, Joel glanced at the time on his new watch, grumbled a thanks to Lucy, and then left the office, shouting over his shoulder as he did so.

"Can you please get back to fuckin' work?!"

Raucous laughter sounded over the slamming of the door.

next ->

a/n: thank you once again for reading! i loved this one, i could picture the 'you're him' moment from the start. i really hope you liked it - only one more now! if you want to be added or removed from the taglist please just drop me a message or reply to the post!

Ellie entered the diner cautiously, already knowing the woman she was hoping to see was in there. She had crossed the street towards the place right next to the window that the doctor had chosen to occupy.

Trying to look decidedly less shifty than she currently felt, Ellie straightened her back and walked towards the counter. She drummed a rhythm with her fingers on the countertop as she feigned looking around the interior of the diner, catching a few glimpses of the doctor.

Now that she was here, and Angelina Alvarez was also here, Ellie didn't actually know what her next step was. Would she just go up and ask the doctor to talk about a case from five years ago? Would she even remember it? She'd probably worked on thousands of trauma cases in the years since Sarah, and Ellie hadn't thought that part through.

"What'll it be, honey?" A cheerful voice pulled Ellie from her thoughts and she straightened up, turning back to face the counter again. "Oh, you were here this morning, right?"

Ellie noticed a small change in the waitress' demeanor, and had seen the way that enough women acted around her dad and uncle to know that the waitress, whose name tag read Jenny, was seriously into one (if not both) of the men.

"Yeah, with my dad," Ellie replied, looking at the pastries in the display cabinet so she didn't have to see Jenny's eyelashes fluttering at the thought of Joel or Tommy. Gross.

"Oh- I- yeah, I saw him," Jenny was flustered but played it off well, Ellie thought. She had no ill-will towards her, and actually found it pretty amusing, impressive, even, that Jenny just took it all in her stride. But she didn't want to think about it right now; she was distracted.

"Anyway, what can I get for you, honey?"

Ellie didn't know. She was about to ask what Jenny would recommend when a voice sounded behind her.

"Can't decide?"

Ellie spun around and came face to face with Doctor Alvarez. She felt as if she was stuck in quicksand, like a deer in headlights, her mouth bobbing open and closed like a fish. Angelina stepped around to Ellie's side and slid a basket onto the counter, thanking Jenny, who started to fuss that she didn't need to clear the table.

"I like the apple pie," she continued, as if Ellie was not having an internal panic attack about the small encounter. "You can't beat a classic."

"Or," Jenny interjected, having cleared the empty basket away from the countertop and returned, "how about your strawberry sundae again? You didn't have a chance to finish yours from earlier."

Ellie's jaw had dropped, and now she was the flustered one, not Jenny. Panicking, she said the first thing that came to her mind.

"Oh, I- that- that wasn't for me. I-it was my sister's fav- It was my sisters."

"Oh, I just assumed because you said you were here with your dad earlier. Sorry!" Jenny said kindly and Ellie nodded, staring slightly dumbfounded at this quick turn of events and starting to feel majorly stupid for even entertaining the idea that she could pull off a chance meeting.

"You know what, though?" Angelina quipped, making Ellie feel at ease again with her calming tone, and not like she would have to deal with an awkward conversation. She turned to face Jenny as she continued, "I would kill for a strawberry sundae when you've got a minute."

"Sure thing, honey," Jenny spoke to the doctor but turned to Ellie. "If you're still not sure, I can give you another couple of minutes to decide, if you'd like?" she spoke quietly and Ellie found herself nodding again.

"Uh, y-yeah, thanks."

Jenny smiled with an okay-dokey! and turned back to the doctor who was now ordering a strawberry sundae and skinny fries.

Ellie stood for a few seconds rather awkwardly, before turning around and heading to the booth from this morning. From here, if she sat where Joel had been, she would have a great view of the whole diner. When she sat, she quickly removed her backpack and deflated into the seat of the booth, resting her head down on the cold, metal table in front of her and releasing a long sigh.

One unexpected interaction with Dr Alvarez and she had gone to absolute pieces.

What was happening?

*

Angelina wasn't entirely sure what had prompted her to interrupt the thought process of the teenager at the dessert counter, nor what had overcome her when she ordered two sundaes and fries. Yet here she was, balancing the four items on a serving tray and carrying it over to the booth that the young girl had settled in to.

"Hey," she cleared her throat and set the tray down on the very edge of the table, "uh, mind if I join you?"

Even as she said it, Angelina was questioning herself. Who was she, a grown adult, to invite herself to join a teenage girl she did not know? She could just see the local news headlines now, and was about to take her words back when a wave of calm washed over her, and she instead held firm. Somehow, she knew this was the right place to be.

"Uh…" the girl gazed up at her and then cleared her own throat as she sat up straighter, "yeah, that's fine. Did you-"

"I think I threw you off by interrupting your thinking time back there," Angelina nodded back towards the counter as she took a seat opposite the girl, unloading the tray and sliding a portion of fries and a sundae carefully across the table. "I felt bad, so I thought, you can't really go wrong with some skinny fries and a strawberry sundae, right?"

The girl blinked, staring at the food as Angelina sat down. She smiled and finally looked up; "No, you can't. Thanks, by the way."

Angelina waved her hand, "Don't worry about it. I'm Angelina."

The girls eyes narrowed slightly and then widened as she nodded her head and pinched some fries between her fingers. "I'm Ellie."

"Nice to meet you," Angelina pinched some of her own fries and they both were quiet as they chewed.

"I think your sister might have a good point about the strawberry sundae being her favourite, by the way," Angelina nodded towards the sundaes sitting between them, tapping the giant strawberry stuck to the rim of the glass and scooping up some of the cream from the swirl on top. "That looks like the best sundae I've ever seen."

"I always preferred the chocolate one," the girl, Ellie, said as she picked up a crispy fry, "but these ones are good for this."

As she spoke, she dipped the fry into the sundae and scooped out some ice cream before quickly shoving it into her mouth with an appreciative hum.

Angelina smirked, "You read my mind."

"My sister and I used to do this all the time," Ellie sighed contentedly and leaned back in the booth. "So uh… what do you do?"

Glad to be talking about herself for once, and feeling like that was more than fair considering she had barged over here and inserted herself into a strangers life, Angelina was happy to share and to ask for nothing in return. Ellie just looked like she needed some company, and Angelina, whether she could explain it or not, knew that it needed to come from her. Almost as if she had been guided to the booth.

"I'm a surgeon, down at St. David's. I've been there for a little over five years now."

"Oh cool," Ellie nodded her head as she appeared to digest the information. "What kind of surgeon are you?"

"I'm a trauma surgeon, although sometimes I'm on call for more general surgeries during overtime if we're short staffed."

Ellie nodded again, quiet. Her eyes kept falling to the table in front of her. Angelina wondered if it was because she wanted to ask about the most gruesome thing she had ever seen. For some reason, that was the go-to question for most people when they heard the word 'trauma' before the word 'surgeon'.

"Do you uh… do you like it? Your job?"

Angelina shrugged, shelving her response that some days feel heavier than others, and instead going with a gentle smile; "I like helping people."

Angelina watched Ellie swallow a few times before realising she hadn't been eating anything. She seemed nervous, but Angelina thought that was very much down to the fact that five minutes ago, the girls probably thought she would be dining alone. She took that as her cue.

"Well," she dusted her hands together, brushing off some salt and made to stand, "let me leave you to it. You didn't come here to eat with a stranger!" Angelina laughed.

"No!" Ellie blurted as she made an awkward sort-of lunge across the table but grabbing nothing. "I mean, you don't have to. You’re cool to talk to."

Angelina felt that calm wash over her again, spreading warmth to the tips of her fingers and toes. She couldn't put her finger on it, couldn't explain it in any sane sort of way, only that she knew she was supposed to be here. She smiled again and sat back down.

Maybe something to do with whatever - or whoever - had been around her today.

"Alright, only if you’re sure."

*

Joel made his way across the street, avoiding at all costs the route he knew Sarah had taken five years ago.

He had watched Ellie go and got to thinking about how proud he was of his girl. He'd debated going after her to tell her, or just leaving it until the time he would see her next. But he knew in his heart that if he sat on the sofa, with his feelings of pride in Ellie and despair for Sarah all mixing together, that he'd reach for a bottle. And then his words would mean nothing to her, being slurred from a half-asleep state on the sofa.

So he had jumped up, grabbed a jacket, and walked the short distance to the diner, dawdling slightly so as to give her the head start to do what she needed when there.

Finally reaching the diner door, he grabbed the handle and felt the biting cold of the metal. He paused after he wrenched it open, his gaze falling automatically to their booth. The Miller Booth, they used to call it. Had done since he and Tommy were kids and their old man had taken them for the occassional ice cream.

He was surprised to see Ellie already had company. Slowly, as if he had forgotten how to use his legs, he made his way over to the table feeling a little intrusive. He blew hot air into his hands and rubbed his fingers together, more out of something to keep his hands busy than from actually being cold. It was Texas, after all.

"Hey, kiddo," he spoke, making the two occupants of the booth jump in surprise. When the woman turned to face him, he felt a strange sense of familiarity, and although he could not place her, he felt as if he'd known her all his life. Joel glanced to the table and saw that they were midway through some fries and a strawberry sundae each, and found his heart didn't hurt quite as much as it had this morning to see that stupidly large strawberry at the side of the glass.

"Oh, hey dad," Ellie grinned at him. "What are you doing here? Thought I'd find you asleep on the sofa when I got home."

The glint in her eye had Joel smirking slightly and reaching out to tug a strand of hair from her ponytail. Still a menace.

Instead of an answer, he asked, "Who's your friend?"

"This is Angelina," Ellie smiled at him and widened her eyes so imperceptibly that Joel knew he was supposed to figure something out. It was the same eyes she would use when they were at family gatherings and her social battery had drained, the same ones she would give him when he kept getting called up to the school and she was letting him know she was at her limit. He had practically taught her the eyes.

But he wasn't getting the sense that she wanted out of this situation. He was actually certain that the woman across from his daughter was friend not foe.

She wasn't in danger. She didn't need protecting.

"She's a trauma surgeon over at St. David's," she said very pointedly, and suddenly Joel knew exactly what it was that Ellie wasn't saying.

For a reason he couldn't quite explain, his palms felt clammy all of a sudden. He watched as Ellie scooted out of the booth, muttering about using the bathroom, and then he stood at the end of the table.

Like an idiot.

Joel only realised he had been standing awkwardly silent when Angelina cleared her throat and held out her hand for him to shake. Aware of his slightly sweating palms but unable to do anything about it, he reached out and shook the hand of the woman who had tried to save his daughters life half a dedcade ago.

And she wouldn't even have known it.

"S-sorry, 'm Joel."

The woman's eyes widened ever so slightly, and she nodded her head as he finally remembered how to use his muscles and sat in the booth across from her. Right where he had sat this morning.

"Joel," she said, as if putting his name to his face. She blinked several times and then, almost robotically, grabbed a handful of fries. She began to dip them into her strawberry sundae as she spoke, and Joel was only half-listening, suddenly being pulled back into a memory of teasing Sarah about doing the exact same thing.

"I know only a weirdo would say this, but I promise I'm not weird."

Joel couldn't help it; once her words registered and he found himself fully back in the present, the warmth of dark curls and giggling smiles now mere wisps in the corners of his vision, he laughed.

He laughed loudly, uncontrollably, and long enough for the woman, Angelina, to begin to laugh too. Did he imagine it? Or did he hear Sarah's laughter too? Did Angelina have the same laugh as his baby girl? Not likely. But he had heard Sarah earlier today, had felt her throughout the day.

"Sorry," he wheezed, "I don' know what came over me. I probably should be more concerned about my kids safety, huh?"

Angelina smirked, "Well, who am I to judge ya? I'm just a not-weird weirdo, remember?"

The pair fell into softer laughter for another moment, before Joel took a breath.

"So, you work at-"

"I'm so sorry, but-"

She had spoken at the same time as him, and then stopped just as suddenly when she realized she had spoken over him.

"You first," Joel insisted, nodding his head for her to continue, but she had just taken the biggest bite of fries - was that intentional?

Instead, she nodded at him, gesturing for him to ask his question.

"You work at St David's?"

She nodded, taking another few moments to chew and swallow her food. "Sure do," she replied. "Been there just a little over five years now."

Joel nodded, in the way one would if they already knew something, and then realized he should say words as well.

"That's uh… that's gotta be-"

"Tough? Rewarding? Draining? Incredible? Heartbreaking? Because yes." She sent a smile his way; a kind one, one that warmed his insides, and he found himself smiling back without even realising it.

"Hey, ordered you some fries so you can stop stealin' mine," Ellie's voice came from what sounded like right beside him and he jumped, dropping fries back into her basket. Had he been eating them? He felt the grains of salt on his fingers when he rubbed them together and thought that yes, he must have been.

"Weren't stealin'," he began, shrugging his shoulder. He took a breath to finish the sentence of the age old phrase, something his grandfather had said to him and Tommy when they were younger, and something they both now used with the girls and Benji whenever the opportunity arose.

But he needn't have bothered, because a quiet voice whispered it for him; "Jus' watchin' them."

He jumped slightly, frowning at Ellie in question. He found her gazing back at him in the same way, and before he could catch up with whose voice he had heard, Ellie's jaw dropped.

Interrupting the moment before either of them had a chance to speak, the waitress came over with an order of fries and a black coffee in hand, placing them down on the table in front of him.

"No sugar, no cream," she winked at him with a kind smile before disappearing off again.

"I'll let you two eat together," Angelina interjected, glancing between Joel and Ellie as she rose, sensing the pair had to talk. She took her sundae and basket of fries with her. "Thanks for letting me join you, Ellie. It was nice to meet you. I'll see you both around," she smiled and hopped down to the floor, making her way back over to a booth at the window once Ellie had responded with her own goodbye.

Joel watched Angelina go until Ellie slid slowly into his line of vision, catching his eye as she took up Angelina's previous spot.

"Do you know who-"

"Yeah, I know," Joel muttered, coming out of his daze and pinching some of his freshly cooked fries in his fingers. "What'd you say to 'er?"

Ellie's jaw dropped indignantly; "Nothing! She spoke to me first, I never said anything about-"

"Shh, keep your voice down," Joel interjected, wincing when Ellie's offended tone caused her voice to rise.

"I never said anything about Sarah. Well, I said my sister used to love dipping french fries into ice cream, but nothing about- about all that."

Joel nodded, quietly sipping at his coffee.

"What did you say to her?" Ellie pressed, pushing her sundae between them so that Joel could reach to dip his fries too.

"Nothin' important."

Ellie chewed the inside of her cheek and Joel noticed. He set down his mug and leaned across the table to gently stroke her knuckles once. "What's wrong?"

"Well," she glanced over her shoulder, as if checking to see if Angelina could hear them from all the way across the restaurant, "should we say something?"

Joel didn't want to shoot her down again; not tonight, not right now. Not when he had set out here to tell her how proud he was of her.

"Not now, baby girl," he smiled and she relaxed marginally. "I actually wanted to talk to you," he nodded his head and her eyes widened. The way they used to when she had been busted. "Jus' wanted to say how proud I am of you. I don't say it as much as I should, but I am. Proud, I mean."

He watched her cheeks tinge pink as she looked down at the surface of the table and mumbled a thanks.

"I mean it. I know this has been hard on you," he paused, voice dropping to a mumble as he spoke aloud a thought he had kept in his head, "prob'ly harder for you than me, sometimes-"

Ellie began to protest, and cut him off with a shake of her head, but he squeezed her hand gently. "No Ellie, it has," he smiled at her in a way that left no room for arguement. He knew it would have been harder on her at times because not only had she lost her sister, she had to then watch him lose himself too. When Joel thought about that, along with the fact that Ellie had already lost so many people before she had stumbled into his life, it broke his heart.

He saw the soft look in her eys across the table, spotted the shimmer in them, and, in the interest of not pushing his luck, he decided to leave it there, tapping her knuckles with a gentle touch instead.

She cleared her throat quietly, almost gruffly, in a way that was much too similar to him. It almost made him smile.

"Thanks, dad," she whispered, squeezing his fingers.

* The air felt cool for September in Texas as Ellie and Joel made their way home. The walk was quiet, but not uncomfortably so. Ellie was feeling particularly introspective, especially after Joel telling her he felt proud.

When they reached home, Ellie rushed upstairs, reached into her bedside drawer for Joel's present, and then thundered back down to the kitchen. She carefully removed the cake box from her backpack and unboxed the thick slice of apple pie onto a plate, purchased upon Angelina's recomendation. She rustled around the drawers for a candle and a lighter, cheering aloud when she found them.

"Ellie?" Came Joel's voice from the front room. "What are you-"

"Just wait!" She poked her tongue out as she lit the candle, reaching for a fork before carefully lifting the plate and stepping towards the front room where Joel was resting on the sofa.

"Hey kidd- oh, what's this?" Joel stretched forward in his seat when he spotted Ellie making her way towards him, tongue poking out in concentration as she walked to the coffee table and slid the plate across to rest before him.

"Happy birthday," she smiled, walking around the table and plopping down next to him. "Blow it out!" she insisted, holding out a fork to him.

"Y'didn' have to," Joel swallowed the lump forming in his throat as he stretched to take the fork from Ellie.

"I know," she smiled. "Buuut I did." Her smile stretched to a wide grin and he felt his cheeks rise in response as he used the side of the fork to slice the end off of the pie.

"Mm, it’s good. Apple?"

"I know, not our usual choice, but Angelina said it was her favourite," Ellie shrugged and Joel fought a small smile, "so I figured why not try?"

He made a small noise of agreement as he chewed the pastry, turning around when he felt a tap on his arm.

"Trade," Ellie said, holding out one hand for the plate and offering a small box out to him in the other. He frowned at it, meeting her gaze as she offered him a smile that told him instantly that she was nervous. She fronted it out, though, stretching foward and spearing a chunk of apple pie large enough that she wouldn't have to talk for the next several minutes.

Joel inhaled, carefully picking at the wrapping on the side of the box. There hadn't been a fuss made about his birthday since the accident. Sharing his birthday with the day of his daughter's murder didn't exactly spark any reason for joy or celebration in his mind, never more than a mumbled happy birthday or a grumbled thanks to show that the day had even arrived.

The first year was the worst, he remembered, outwardly wincing at the memory of driving to the graveyard half-drunk and weeping over Sarah's grave until Tommy had found him and tried to convince him to come home. He wasn't proud of it, but he had fought Tommy that night - or tried to, at least. Had been in too much of a stupor to do any decent amount of damage, but Tommy's jaw still ached even now if he was ever in below freezing temperatures.

He was brought back to the present moment by the sound of Ellie speaking around her mouthful of dessert.

"Thought you might like one you could actually use," she glanced at the now opened box in his hands as she swallowed her mouthful and didn't meet his eyes again.

He looked down to see a watch; simple, browth leather strap the same colour as his boots, and a large face with gold detailing. He lifted it from the box carefully, as if he were handling treasure. And in a way, he was.

"I don't use-"

"I know why you don't use it," Ellie spoke quietly, gently, and he cast his mind to the green watch upstairs, the one Sarah and Ellie had snuck out of the house that morning to get fixed for him because he never bothered doing it for himself. The one that had been fixed for all of twenty minutes before being broken again. The one with a smashed face, that would now spend the rest of eternity stuck on the time that Sarah's body had struck the asphalt.

Joel took his time fastening the new watch to his wrist, admiring it once it was secured. Ellie had done a great job choosing one that he would like, and he had to clear his throat twice before he felt steady enough to speak, pulling her in for a long, firm hug.

"Thank you, baby girl."

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a/n: ahhh, they spoke!! thank you endlessly for still supporting this story! if you want to be added or removed from the taglist please just drop me a message or reply to the post!

Angelina arrived in her office and sighed heavily as the door clicked closed behind her. It wasn’t even lunch yet and she had already conducted two short surgeries. Her back felt close to breaking, and she reached a hand behind her shoulders, awkwardly trying to press out the knots she could feel forming there. When that proved to be useless, she grabbed a granola bar from her stash and made her way to the comfier chair in the corner of her office, flopping down and tossing her head over the back of it. There wasn't much she could do during this short break, she couldn't leave the building, walk a little further to get away from the chaos, so sitting here in the silence with her stale granola bar was the next best thing.

Groaning, she lifted her head after several minutes of silence and unwrapped the bar, taking a bite and feeling like she was chewing cardboard. As she made a mental note to look into a different snack she could keep stashed in her desk drawer, perhaps something that didn't crush her soul when she bit into it, something small fluttered across the room and caught her eye.

Pausing mid-bite and blinking slowly, she gazed at what she now recognized as a scrap of notebook paper, torn where it had once been ring-bound. She looked around at the noticeboard she knew it had fallen from, the one that she had pinned a few notes and cards to. They were mostly from patients she had helped, but there were one or two from family members of patients she could not.

Puzzled, she stood to retrieve the scrap, looking to see that the windows were indeed closed as she had suspected. The AC was on, sure, but the vent for that was at the other side of the room. No breeze could have knocked the paper from the board or had it falling the way that it had.

As she bent to retrieve it, she knew what note it was without having to read the message scrawled on it. This had been from the father of the girl she had spent the morning thinking about.

How serendipitous.

It wasn’t often she received cards or notes, and she never expected them, especially not from anyone whose life had been significantly worsened by her efforts, but here it was Crumpled from the amount of times she had carefuly held it, a few pinholes near the top where it had been stuck back onto the board. She had kept this one because she had been so profoundly touched by the words written upon it that she broke down on her office floor and cried for twenty minutes after receiving it.

She remembered that it had been just over a week since she had lost the girl, and she had been beating herself up about it the entire time. Everything had been affected: her focus, her sleeping pattern, her eating habits. All of it had gone to shit and she couldn't shake it. She knew there hadn’t been anything she could do, but it still felt shitty to lose someone. She had also been giving herself grief because she had promised this teenager that she would tell her dad she loved him, would pass on what ended up being her final words, and she hadn’t been given the chance to do so.

She should have been the one to inform the family, to shatter their world beyond repair, but she had been paged seconds after pronouncing the death. She had left the room to scrub up for another emergency surgery and hadn’t had a chance to catch the father, the one who had been shouting down the corridor. She’d never seen him, wouldn’t know him if she passed him in the street, and she was filled with regret for not fulfilling the promise of a dying girl.

So when the note had appeared on her desk one late afternoon from Joel Miller, accompanied with exactly the message she had needed to hear, she had broken down in tears. Following such a long day of surgeries and high levels of stress, she spent twenty minutes crying on her office floor.

Now Angelina remained crouched, her hand on the paper as she remembered that breakdown. She had sat almost in this exact spot, and mourned the loss of the first patient she had sole responsibility for that she could not save.

Eventually, having debated whether she should read the message again or not, she straightened up and glanced at the handwriting she could now identify anywhere.

Not sure what to say except thank you for being there for my baby girl. They said you held her hand. She wasn't alone in the end & I'm grateful for that.

Joel

After Joel’s name there was a crossed out capital S, and Angelina’s heart cracked every time she looked at it, knowing that the next name he was going to sign was that of his dead daughter. ‘& Eillie’ was scrawled in before the surname, Miller. The ink on the word ‘hand' was blotched and seeped into the paper, as if the father, Joel, had cried when he had written it.

Angelina’s thumb gently touched the crossed out S, treating the scrap of paper as if it was a personal treasure. And really, it was. Something short and simple, yet so raw and full of emotion. These words, filled with such gratitude for the moments that Angelina had been looking back on with guilt and regret, short though they were, had been such a help to her through the years. After reading, she was always able to snap her priorities back into place, to recenter her mind and bring the important things back into focus.

She took a deep breath, a small smile tugging on her lips, and stepped towards the notice board to pin the paper back up. She inspected the note to make sure it wasn’t damaged where the pin would enter, thankful to find no rips or tears. She glanced around the carpeted floor as she approached, searching for the fallen pin, frowning when she couldn’t see it.

Must have rolled under her desk.

She shrugged; there were spare pins around the side, she’d just use one of-

Angelina froze, hand mid-way to the board. She was staring at the pin that held the card in place, right there in its original spot. It hadn't moved.

But how could the paper have flown across her office, landing so far from the board, with no rips or tears and the pin still very much secured in place?

Carefully, slowly, she removed the pin, placed the precious note back where it had been for the last five years, and stuck it back to the board before taking a very slow, very deliberate step back.

Weird.

*

Sarah supposed she should be used to this by now; the fact that even if she might be caught in a compromising position, no one could actually see her. But she still found herself stuck in place as Dr Alvarez stood feet from her, her kind brown eyes trained on the notice board. Sarah held her breath as if she would be heard if she breathed too loudly.

The last time Sarah remembered feeling this way was the time when she quite literally got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Ellie had given her a piggyback to get closer to the cabinet door, and in the ensuing riot of raucous laughter and shrieking and almost-head-traumas to reach the treats, neither girl had heard their dad and uncle walking in the front door until it was too late. They both had stood frozen, as if the stiller they stood, the less chance there would be of being noticed by the adults.

Their dad had sent them upstairs. Uncle Tommy had turned to face the kitchen wall. His shoulders had been shaking with what Sarah now knew to be uncontrollable laughter, after Ellie silently offered her half eaten cookie to Tommy with the most serious look she'd ever mastered on her face. In between keeping his serious face on for his eight-year-olds and chastising his brother who was almost 30 years their senior to keep his cool, Joel had forgotten to take the cookies off of the girls.

Sarah giggled at the memory that had hit her out of the blue and then clamped her hand over her mouth. Standing very still, scared to be found out, Sarah found herself in exactly the same position as over a decade ago now.

What felt like only seconds ago, she had been in her kitchen with Ellie and her dad, and then when he had mentioned a note he had sent to Dr Alvarez, she wished with all her heart she could know what it said, could know his thoughts and feelings from that time. Then suddenly she was here, in this office, reading Dr Angelina Alvarez FACS, Head Trauma Surgeon on the desk plaque. Sarah had looked around for a few minutes in a trance, getting used to the fact that this appeared to be something she could just do now, until she saw it; pinned to a noticeboard. Her dad's handwriting was undeniable.

She had raced to it, carefully unstuck the pin, then replaced it onto the cork as she paced slightly, reading her dad's short note.

Tears sprung to her eyes and it pained her in ways she couldn't describe to read those words. She could tell, even through the short, seemingly blunt words, that he was in a world of pain when he wrote it. She could also tell that it was not something that he had preempted - there were a lot of scores through words, some letters written over others when he had tried to write something different or where his words hadn't felt quite right to him.

She was so glad she could still read her dad through the page like this. To be able to see him in this way, so raw and emotional, through just a few words scribbled on a notepad page made her so tearful that she had to turn her face away. From what or who she did not know, but the note had slipped through her fingers and fluttered to the floor where she had stopped pacing, causing Angelina to look over.

It felt like forever passed - or seconds, she couldn't be sure - before Angelina pinned the notepad page back up where Sarah had found it. Sarah noticed the look in the doctors eyes, the film of unshed tears, and realised with a quiet poignancy that, for whatever reason, her dads words meant just as much - if not more - to Doctor Alvarez.

The longer Sarah spent in the doctor's presence, the calmer she felt. She observed the woman moving around her office and felt a peace she hadn't felt since before the accident. Remembering some of the last words she had ever heard spoken to her, Sarah couldn't help but think that they might be true.

…some people might find it comforting to know they were being saved by an Angel…

Sarah knew it then, would swear it now, despite never having been given any reason to believe in it in her living life: Angelina Alvarez had to be some sort of guardian angel.

*

"Bye, dad," Ellie bounced down the last couple of stairs and took a few steps towards Joel, who was sitting on the sofa with his head tilted backwards.

"Where are you off to? Hot date?"

"Urgh, dad-" Ellie cut herself off at Joel's scoff of laughter. "I'm just-" she sighed and let her shoulders drop, taking the last few steps and sinking into the cushion next to her dad. "I'm going to the diner."

Ellie watched Joel's brows crease as he turned his body towards her and reached to gently take his daughter's hand.

"You doin' okay, babygirl?"

He didn't use the term of endearment all that often anymore; he had used it much more when they were younger, and for a long while after the accident, he couldn't even bring himself to say it at all. But Ellie had noticed that he was able to use it more and more often as the years went on. It was never her thing, but it did bring comfort when Joel used it with her.

"I guess," she shrugged, not wanting him to stress any more than he already had that day. "Just… I don't know, I like going there now?"

Joel nodded, silent in his understanding as Ellie continued.

"I couldn't face it at first. That's where it happened, right? But since Maria and Tommy took me there with Benji last year… I guess it felt kinda nice? We used to love going there, and it was nice to be there and have Benji being a little shit."

"Ellie-"

"What?! He was!"

Joel smiled, no real heat behind his scalding - she was nineteen now, and had done a lot of growing up in her life.

"It felt nice to be there and see a family having fun again, so since then I've tried to go back a few times, just on my own. To sort of build it up I guess."

"I get it," Joel said, squeezing her hand and shifting in his seat again, "same thing happened with me. I'm beginnin' to think they brought Benji along on purpose now."

"Oh I know they did," Ellie nodded fervently. "They kept him off school."

Joel's eyes narrowed. Five years ago he'd have spotted that sneaky behaviour in his little brother instantly, and he was quietly struck by how much he might have missed out on, having spent the last five years in a stupour of grief and questionab;e coping mechanisms.

"Well," he shook himself from his reverie, giving her hand a gentle tug towards him so she fell into him in a sideways embrace, "as long as you're alright to go. Call me if you need me. I'll be there, no questions asked."

Ellie nodded, squeezed him one last time and stood, gathering her backpack and rushing out the door.

* "Hey, doc," the young barista from that morning greeted her as she stepped through the door and made her way towards the counter, "you back again?"

"Rough day," Angelina replied, letting her shoulders fall a little as she inhaled the scent of strong coffee. "Thought you'd be finished by now?"

"Julia called in sick, so I get the pleasure of a double shift," she said in her cheerful voice, reaching to the serving hatch behind her where food was beginning to pile up. "If you wanna grab a seat, I'll be over as soon as I'm ready!"

"Take your time, I'm just deciding what pastry will fuel me tonight," Angelina smiled at the young girl and leaned towards the display cabinet, casting her eye over the various desserts, pies and pastries. She straightened up, eyes catching on the skinny fries that were being loaded onto a serving tray and immediately made up her mind that she was going for savoury over sweet tonight. A sudden sense of someone behind her made her freeze in her movement and step to the side.

"Oh, I'm so-"

She had turned to apologize for almost standing on the persons feet, sensing she had been about to knock someone over, but had spun around to see that no one was there. She froze once again when she saw the diner to be deserted - she couldn't even blame it on a kid running behind her, or someone walking by to get to the restrooms. The only other group in the diner at all were all sat and being served their food. Angelina had to physically shake her head a couple of times to shock her body into moving again. This had been the second time today that she had felt so jarred by something; first the fallen note in her office and now this.

All thoughts of food gone from her mind, she made her way to the booth from this morning with jerky movements, her mind still completely on what had just happened. She was recognizing the feeling within as the same one from this morning after she pinned the note back on her noticeboard; like she was being watched. Not in a way that felt menacing or unsettling; in fact, once she sat with the feeling for a few minutes and adjusted to it, it actually felt quite pleasant.

So preoccupied with her thoughts as she turned to remove her laptop and notepads from her backpack, Angelina didnt't hear Jenny until she was standing right in front of her table, notepad in hand, with a bubbly, what'll it be, honey?

Angelina ordered, thanked Jenny for the coffee she poured her, and then opened her laptop with a quick glance towards the door of the diner. Happy there were no prying eyes, she unlocked her laptop and brought up the notes from the case she had been thinking about all day.

Sarah Miller.

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a/n: thank you, once more, for sticking with me! if you want to be added or removed from the taglist (assuming it’s even working at this point 😂), then please just drop me a message or reply to the post!