𝚓𝚎𝚜𝚜

Since I was a little girl, and like most little girls, I dreamt of one day being able to walk down the aisle. My dad’s arm in hand, feeling like one of the Disney princesses I always watched on the tv screen, looking at the end and seeing the person who fit me best and is my best friend, standing there, both of us teary eyed at the overwhelming joy we both feel during that special moment.

When I was a little girl I dreamed big. I wanted to be a fashion designer, a forensic scientist, a veterinarian, a musician, all the things possible. I wanted a job that made me happy to come into everyday, one where I would be able to serve people, and do my due diligence.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of my own home one day. One filled with love, laughter, funky decor, and all the cats. One I could make my sanctuary, a safe space that didn’t have slammed doors, tense air, and feeling like I have to walk around on the tips of my toes.

All things we all want. All things we dream about.

I am now 30 years old.

I am not married, never have been, have no children (not that that is a want anyways), have hopped jobs and never stuck to one place, and live in a home that isn’t owned by me and had previous feminine owners.

Everyone around me seems to receive these things we all dream about, but yet, i’m still sitting here empty handed with not all that much to show for my time here so far. Sometimes I wonder if I should just end it all since it seems as though I will never truly get the things I dream of. Everyone but me.

I try to reason with myself. Most marriages in your 20s end in divorce. Most of the time you don’t find a good job that you truly love until later in life. The economy is shit right now and I can’t afford a house. I try to tell myself that good things take time, that everyone has a different path and there’s no certain time to have things accomplished by.

Sat on the porch in the cool fall weather with the warm sun setting on my skin.

Smoked the flower.

Blew bubbles from a Halloween gift basket through the eyes of my child self.

Listening to Higher Love by Steve Winwood and thinking about how I first heard that song living in Kansas at 22 years old.

My, growing into the woman I am at 29 from the girl I was at 22 is something so beautiful.

My soul healed a little that afternoon.

I love being alive.

It’s been a week and a half since I saw those photos and had those nightmarish thoughts. I worked on it within myself and worked on it in therapy. Anytime those photos or thoughts have popped up, I’ve “thrown them away” immediately and replace it with positive thoughts. What makes me great, how much my partner loves me, that I won and he chose me. But today, i’m really struggling to throw them away. It’s like they’re demanding to be heard and seen. I hate it. I don’t want to think that way or view those photos ever again. But today I feel like i’m drowning in them.

𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘷𝘦, 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵; 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺.

finally got to see the band that’s saved my life.