Ocs and More

Onto the full now.

To fully talk about it, I was woken up Monday to find out my mom had a major stroke in the hospital and we were not sure if she would make it or not. She had to go into emergency surgery because she had a blood clot and bleeding on the left side of her brain. We didn't know how severe the damage was but at the time it was confirmed it was permanent damage to her speech but they were able to salvage some, and while she would be able to get some back through rehab we were not sure of the full effects of it all and spent the following days like this. Finding out information, how good or bad the odds are, and what they were trying to do. There were low points that there was a chance she could not wake up if she didn't show improvement, and many other scares that left fear and exhaustion with every call and moment.

At this time she is stable, and she is currently more awake and able to move her body, so she is not paralyzed as we can see. But her right arm possibly lost most feeling as she doesn't react until pinched super hard, which can be worked with. She still had to have a breathing tube in her this entire time cause she was not breathing on her own and if tried she would start coughing and choking, but since removing the sedatives and getting her more and more awake from the surgery, she is waking up but it's complicated with how she is reacting. She kind of processes on and off commands and reacts to people around but not always. And we won't know the full damage to her speech and understanding until she gets the breathing tube out which should happen today if all goes well.

If mom had to go on tubes the rest of her life or kept in a worse state, she asked to not be kept alive which is still something that could be faced even at this time if she relapses from the stroke. I am unsure of the details but because of the surgery to her brain, there is a chance it could also swell and if so she needs another surgery for that.

The leading cause of the stroke at this time is untreated hypertension and lately treated high blood pressure which caused the blood vessels in her brain to weaken until they popped causing the clotting and stroke. It was also seen she had a stroke prior to this on her right side but it was never picked up until now.

Between this, my grandmother last year around the same time passed because of Dementia and Strokes, having a father who has a blood clotting illness that could kill him at any time, and my eldest brother who already had mini strokes in the past and has heart problems for the rest of his life. I admit I am such a shit place right now mentally.

I am truly frustrated and upset at my mom while also grieving the fact my mom will never be the same. Before and after my grandma passed, all us kids and close family asked and begged her to properly get checked out by doctors because she kept not feeling well or having these weird episodes. But she was persistent, she couldn't cause no insurance or she was too busy and she is fine, it's no big deal. I am not saying this was preventable, it could have still happened even on treatment. But it left me feeling upset after all this because it would have at least felt less shittier if she had just listened and then it happened, but she was stubborn and figured she always knew best for herself and others. Etc. And it just left a hole inside.

Admit here and now, I don't have the best relationship with my mom, she has caused a lot of grievances in my life I am still dealing with to this day. But I never would have wanted this, no one wants to see this of a family or friend in most cases. It sucks, it's hard, and it won't get easier from here. Even if all goes the best it can, she is still going to have to be at in-live rehab for a long time and we most likely won't even see real progress of her and for her until 2-3 months from now because she will have to learn how to live again. It sucks, it's scary, and I am left feeling a horrible weight on my chest from it all. My oldest brother is disabled and can't live alone, my youngest brother is barely over 20, and my middle brother is someone I do not trust and want to deal with but given all this I have too.

And I am half way across the world, I have my own life, problems, and places I need to be. My own health and issues that I can't just drop and go back to my family for. So I am left here to listen, wait, and have to keep my mind busy all through it with whatever will keep me distracted enough not spending hours thinking about the situation. Games. I can't afford to go right now, and even if I could afford it, I can't because I need to focus on my future and I have a lot of things going on here to live here for good I can't miss. It's complicated.

So now I am left exhausted mentally and physically, due to my health this has caused a lot of flare ups and painfully aches where I can't do much or move around from the stress of it all. And while I would love to just refund all the pending works I have, I can't afford it at this time, food and bills took priority. I am sorry to ask this for those waiting on art for me, I will work on it but I just need some time to process this all for myself and also find out how the future looks for all this. Not to mention I have some of my own stuff going on on top of it. I need to focus on what is super important to my future. I do not wish to keep the wait long, at the latest I will force myself to work on owed art in late march, but if I am able I will work sooner.

As for trades, offers, etc. Unless I've seen a wip I am canceling. I can't handle it especially if it was for drawing on my side, it's not happening even if I wanted to for a long time. I think I already covered who I did owe trades to cancel but I could have forgotten someone among all this. If so please don't hesitate to reach out, I may take some time to reply but if you got a design or something on hold for me, can stop holding it for me. I know it's selfish but right now if I can draw I'd just like to draw my ocs or sm just to feel nice about something.

I think that all that needs to be covered is covered, I probably will reply to comments around on the post. But over all I just want to keep shutting my brain off for a while and try to get through this the best I can. Thank you to those who already knew the situation and have been giving support and love through the entire process. It means so much to me, you have no idea. My wife has been everything through all of this as well so please send her some love, Smith needs it just as much. I hope maybe in the coming days or weeks I can give a bit brighter news on all this. There were things I wanted to post about, plans I had for a light novel and ideas moving forward to make my stories published, etc. But for now that will need to wait while I gather things at a slower pace for the moment.