Hyperbolic Thinking Chamber

I learned a lot in this past year and even more in this past month. I learned how important loving yourself and being with yourself truly is. I learned how important the care and love you show to others is. I learned why a lot of my relationships fell short and why I was the main reason for a lot of these issues I had brought up.

For as long as I could remember I always wrote about relationships. Every story involved a guy and the girl he was trying to impress or save or express his love to. I was and still am a hopeless romantic because this stuff is really where I feel most alive. I often quasi-quoted The Dark Knight in saying that I treated relationships like a dog chasing after a car. I get so excited and chase and chase but I never knew what when ever I'd come into a relationship with a girl. For the longest time it was really just testing the ice and seeing what gave positive emotions and what gave negative emotions. However, I'd eventually get tired and talk myself out of the relationships because I found it wasn't what really what made me feel alive. This went on for a couple years, until I met the girl that I gave up 6 years of my dating life for. The love of the chase was gone, the wondering eye was neutralized and there I was sitting where I felt my prize was. I then grew to find myself more alive in loving her and serving her than I did getting gratification of knowing that someone is attracted to me. I learned sacrifice and humility in these moments, I learned what it felt like to want to see someones needs as more than yours. Yet I didn't love myself enough so while the ideas in theory were good, my execution was poor. I turned most situations that didn't go my way into something that I had caused. As if I was the sole controller of the emotions of my partner. This ultimately drove our relationship to the ground and left me with good ideas but also hopelessness.

That where the last month came into play. I sit here each and everyday and find myself understanding who I am apart from a relationship apart from anyone else. I am slowly rediscovering my passions, saying yes more to opportunities that allow me to grow and see the world that I was too afraid to see before. I realized what friends I wanted to have, and what friends I didn't. I knew what qualities I wanted to have around me and what I didn't. I have slowly grown to see myself in the light that I am suppose to be in and it feels good. Yes it is a constant uphill battle, but the progress and me seeing it has really made me grateful for those around me. I feel love again, I feel the kindness coursing through my veins, I don't feel the need to be destructive or to shove my sensitivity down. I feel power once again and it is enlightening, I really can only thank God and those he placed in my life. I started this journey unsure of the reasoning behind it all and realized he wanted me to be back, back to myself, not a mindless drone to follow orders. Like a child I will stumble and fall... yet the point of following God was never about the stumbling and falling, but about how we rebound back and rely on him to pick us back up. Well ladies and gentlemen, I got my head up and always reaching for Gods hand to pick me back up. We limp along but my walk grows stronger with each prayer and with each good person in my life motivating me along the way.

Keep your heads up and so will I,

I don't take the title of the post lightly, it isn't a dramatic attempt to divulge my sorrows, but instead, it has become my logical understanding of the scenario. It really sat in my heart and mind when I saw the reactions to Juice's death. Yesterday I went to his girlfriends page and saw posts from just a few days ago. The love that was there and the affection they had for each other. Was the love unique? Was it stronger than anything else I've seen? Well that didn't really matter because it wasn't the point. She loved him in the moment, in all the moments that she spent leading up to his death so no the strength or quality of it doesn't hold up much to the fact that it was there in the moments before he was gone.

I cried seeing this, and really took that in. I felt the pain of losing someone you held so tightly. I had nights where I'd drive home from being with her and cried at the idea of her not being here anymore. I was, for the first time in a relationship, terrified of the future and the possibilities that were ahead. Yet, like we all learn in our lifetime, we are not in control and never were. The only control we have is the reaction we have to the unexpected, the unpredictable, the unknown.

I lost my best friend on November 9, 2019. I looked her in her eyes and the girl I loved was gone. I panicked, I wanted to fall into a hole and not feel anything anymore. I was lost, I was in darkness. I scratched at the walls in denial of her death but no she was gone. I spent the last month grieving, trying my best to find her in my life. I tried talking to her, I even spent Thanksgiving with her. I saw bits and pieces of her, but they were only remains of the statue I had once worshiped by giving all my love. Each time I spoke to her it was as if I was speaking to a ghost. The remains of her would collect in resemblance but there was no substance, the old her was no longer here. I couldn't understand how the girl I thought I was going to spend my life, the only person that brought me comfort in this pain was also the one that brought forth the pain. In seeing the toxic cycle of contacting the remains of my girlfriend, I buried her. The happiness she brought, the memories we shared, and the love that she had shown... they are in my heart but they are buried where I can appreciate the moments only to look at the gravestone and know that the time had come and passed. I move on, not holding on to the resurrection of her body. If she is to come back to life, that is great, but our time had come and has passed. I tango'd with her ghost so long that I had began to lose sight of the sweet love she gave. The only way to keep my sanity and happiness was to walk away from the grave site once and for all. She was gone, nothing I could do would bring her back. Every day does hurt, yet the pain is more and more manageable. I am alive, and I have people in my life that don't want me to grieve any more than I have to. They want to see me succeed and I can't let them down. Consider this the last bouquet of peonies I leave at the tombstone. I hope your new self finds the rest you are looking for, it pains me to know I couldn't do more.

Goodbye,

Imagine sitting in complete darkness asleep only to feel your body fall down increasing with speed. There is nothing for you to grab to slow you down or support you. There is you and the darkness you are passing through. Its intense and caused fear within me. I woke up from my dream and there I was overly panicked and full of anxiety. I couldn't do anything about it, breathing didn't help and I couldn't go back to bed. I lost the last comfort zone I had and so I needed to get fresh air or I felt I would explode. I reached out and there was nothing more than the slight promise of effort. In my heart I was pleading for a call for attention because I just wanted a voice to remind me of what speed reality was moving at because I didn't feel like I was there. The effort had deflated and there I was alone in my pain, as I have been for weeks. I asked God why even have me here, I'd be so much happier with you. I asked told him I'd like it much better up there. It wasn't a suicidal thought, but the truth. I've never lingered on suicidal thoughts for very long because I know its not my life, I don't choose when I get to die. That feels very selfish to me for many reasons, yet the emotion behind my pain was just as strong. I felt fear of myself because I felt I couldn't escape the darkness. In that I asked God to just protect me, and continue to guide me as He has. This leads me into today.

I woke up only to find out Juice WRLD died. This was detrimental to me because this past month and even last night, I feared my emotional status because I saw what that did to Mac. I always see Ariana's IG post in my head referring to his good heart that was troubled with demons. He, just like myself, Juice, and many others, have demons in our lives that give us issues that we have to deal with. I had drugs, and I had relationships. They kept my mind off the mess that was in my head. I felt that one of those things was going to be my demise. Yet I felt no hope in my situations because the people that were slowly getting me through it were dealing and losing to these same battles. I cried several times today for Juice's death and the reminder of Mac's. Why did it have to be them, yet I know how broken this world is.

The light of my day was this girl (not in some romantic fashion). It was as if she was took her daily routine and threw me into the mix. I loved it so much because for once, I didn't feel like a burden. For once, I didn't feel like I was forcing my feelings out for the sake of removing them from my mind.  We were about to leave and we sat outside for about 2 hours and just caught back up. It was like 50-60 degrees outside and windy and I say that because this girl hates the cold. I could see she had goosebumps at times but it didn't seem to prevent her from talking with me. That gave me so much joy,  like wow she genuinely wanted to talk because I know she didn't have to. And that is really what did it, I've cared about this girl for years but never did I cherish her love as much as I did then.

lol I could go on and on about it, but the point is clear. I have been in a dark place this past month and its been rough. Yet this girl has been a light when she engages with me and so its a blessing. I promise I'll have more topics beyond a basic rundown of my day, but this was just a special moment for me so I figured it was the best way to start off my countdown to the end of 2019.

Lets keep on pushing,

So I was thinking back, to a while ago and remember this story that I figured would be something good for you guys. This story again will have no names. Those that are close to me will already know who this is, but then again this story was kind of a secret for some time so I don't know how many people actually still remember me telling them this. Well here it goes!

Do you ever meet someone just randomly? Whether it be in a class or you just happen to start talking on social media. Well I find those friendships to be the greatest because you kind of get this sense of "fate" when you analyze it. I met someone this way, we were just casual friends but she had a personality different from that of any of my other friends still to this day. She wasn't hardened due to the evils of the world and her mind just radiated her innocence. I would talk to her and feel this sense of hope she had. This is the kind of hope you see in children when they tell you they are going to be the next president or astronaut. I fell in love instantly because it was rare. We talked and soon became close for reasons I can't recall. Oh wait, yeah she had this boyfriend and people were picking on her. I remember getting calls from her just venting to me, she would be half crying but just wanted someone on the other line. I listened and tried to divert the topics to ease the pain.  Our first night on the phone we stayed up for 11 hours talking. I thought it was a fluke but it turned out to be the start to a beautiful friendship. She was the first friend I had that actively invited me to places. She genuinely wanted to be my friend and showed me through her actions.

This is kind of where the story starts to build. I get to spend more time with her and just had a concoction of feelings developing inside of me. I am telling you I had been in relationships where I felt strong feelings but nothing could compare. I woke up smiling, I was almost content with life because I knew she was still there. Eventually I told her how I felt, not in hopes of breaking up her relationship but to get it out in the open so I could just forget about it. A couple nights later she hits me with "if I had met you sooner, we would be together". I was still young but that really struck a chord with me. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It was a couple nights later that we spent the night at her friends house. We ended up watching TV at night and she fell asleep on me in the chair that we were sharing. I, on the other hand, didn't sleep that night. I just couldn't, I wanted to soak up this moment. I hadn't been this happy in years. I just laid back and looked at the ceiling and then at her and back again. I was just sprung, for lack of a better word. That next morning, she had gotten up and went into a bedroom. I had realized that this fantasy was over. I was back in reality and just sat in the chair. I soon get a text telling me to come into the room. I was stunned, we ended up laying in bed. We just talked, no funny business, just talking. I had not woken up next to a girl before, so that being the first time was something I won't forget. Now note, around this time her boyfriend was acting sketchy, saying something and then doing something else. I ended up busting him for something and just realized he was playing my best friend. Honestly if she never told me some of the things that she felt I wouldn't have done anything. She was happy, and seeing that smile on her face was all I wanted. Unfortunately I believed that I could tell her the truth and instead of breaking her heart she would just run to me and all would be well. This wasn't the case..... she was devastated and wanted to be alone. She had soon distanced herself from me. Soon she texted me saying that she was too afraid to be together because if something bad happened we would lose our friendship. I knew it was downhill from there because that wasn't a possibility in my mind. I had all the faith in the world and soon realized it was because I was in my own world. She soon said she regretted the morning we laid in bed and talked. She regretted telling me anything. She didn't feel the same way I did in the end and I was too lost to process this.

In the end, I decided that some people will say things they don't mean, or atleast claim they didn't mean it. You never know why someone did/said something, but trying to figure that out will drive you crazy. You have to learn and move on. I still to this day have trouble accepting compliments that people tell me. I realize that words are nice, but actions are what I craved.

I've been reading this book and meant to write this yesterday but things have slowly gotten busier and busier. The chapter I had read regarded relationships, in specific it was regarding the relationship Christians have with God. I thought it was interesting that, while I was enjoying the picture painted of how my relationship with God is and should be, it also related to personal relationships with friends, family, significant others.

It built on the idea of "Knowing". We can know a subject in school or a book that we've read or even a pet that we have. These things are less complex to understand and know because their whole identity is there in front of you. Your pets act as they please and you grow to understand their quarks and personality. A school subject or book usually stays the same so simple time focusing and memorizing things allows you to know it. What makes all of this different from how we get to know people in our lives is that all it takes is our personal effort to do so. With people, there is an extra barrier. People tend to hide parts of themselves and have the ability to only really let you see what they want you to see. This makes relationships with people harder because no matter the personal effort you place on the relationship, it will only work if the other person is willing to let you "know" them.

That part really struck me because I grew up in the same area my whole life. I always saw the same familiar faces each year and while the school size grew, there wasn't much that changed as far as making friends. I believed it was simply out of luck or fate that I had the friends that I did. I mean, I was generally nice to everyone and so if we connected in any way I considered us friends. Going to college, I assumed the same situation occurred, and while I wasn't wrong I developed a wrong way of seeing friendships. I believed that everyone, once having that connection would just feel comfortable and allow for the friendship to grow. There was never a thought in my mind that I'd have to up and leave friendships or relationships because of their lack of effort. I assumed that if I just made it more convenient for them to be my friend or made it at least "easier" that everything would be okay. That wasn't true, and I found myself abandoned from friendships that I already saw starting to fall apart. I wasn't hurt at the abandonment, but from the confusion on how my effort was useless.

Now things have changed, and I know I can't be friends with everybody. I can't rekindle every old friendship I had. I also can't expect things from people, no matter the size of the expectation. I've placed everyone on even playing fields and allow their actions decide where I place them in my life.

Even before we hung out I was trying to write something about you. I always felt so moved by the memories that I had of you that it was so easy to spew out the feelings that I had held in for what seemed like ages. It is insane, and was nearly intoxicating. Yet, this time it was different, I had the feelings but couldn't write. I didn't know why, but every time I sat down to write about you... I'd use that stupid backspace button and erase it all. I didn't feel like words were ready yet. It was as if I was an impatient cook that constantly checked the oven to see if my meal was ready, but each time I got disappointed at the lack of fullness that I knew it had the potential to be. I decided it was best to wait it out, and did just that. I didn't plan to see you new years day, I didn't plan for how things went down, but I can say that I am glad I didn't because I know that it happened on its own. I always get so self-conscious about whether people are being nice out of pity or hang out with me because of all the effort I put into it. So let me tell you what went through my head before seeing you, while seeing you, and after.

Before seeing you I was scared. I didn't even eat anything that morning because I was scared it would make me sick. I felt so nervous because we hadn't talked in years. So you could be a completely different person. The girl I had known may not even be who you are now. I may talk to you and see that you aren't her and I didn't know what that was going to mean to me. I didn't know if I'd be discouraged and feel like you were better off if I left you alone, or if I would be starstruck and just look like a fool because I can't string words together. Yeah, lets just say I wanted to get there right at 1:00pm, but waited a bit because I didn't want to get there and stood up or have you reschedule. It had nothing to do with who you actually were (because I didn't even really know who you were) it had more to do with the fact that I lost trust in most people that didn't already have a solidified place in my life.

Now in seeing you, well actually just before seeing you is when I began to feel a change. You texted me at 1:01pm telling me that you were there and had already ordered and was simply waiting for me to hold up my side of the hangout. I rushed to get ready and found myself just constantly thinking about it the whole drive there. It isn't something to applaud but it is something to take notice in. Especially now, people have a hard time keeping plans. They also have a hard time being on time if there isn't a strong emphasis on it. It felt almost old school, and that is the best way to describe it as I segway into the rest of my thoughts. First of all, you made everything just flow so smoothly. To be honest, I was never planning on getting coffee. I had come up with the excuse that I was going to ask you for "recommendations" because I just wanted to find the best way to just talk to you and not make it awkward having some goat milk coffee that I may or may not have enjoyed (maybe in the future we'll find out). It was probably my best move because as we talked and slowly became more comfortable with the conversation you began to ask questions. The topic wasn't even really related to what we were previously talking about, but didn't seem forced or overly random. It was at that moment that my anxiety and worries fled my body and I just grew happy for our exchanges. Yes I was scared that maybe the person you are now would be completely different from you then, and you felt as if that was somewhat true. But I could see it, I could see the traits, the pieces of your personality that carried on as you matured. I could see why I had liked talking to you so much and why were ever became as good of friends as we did. Whether it was our abnormal love for scary movies to our bits of sarcasm here and there. Ultimately what stood out that always had was your positivity, your love for life, and that freaking smile that you have. Granted, the old days may have not been the best for you and you may have dealt with a lot but whenever I saw you, you had a smile. You always seemed happy to see me and so anytime I see you happy it reminds me of those times and therefore makes me happy.

In ending all of this, I really don't know what is next from here. All I know is, despite your "mysterious" lifestyle, I want to get to know you. I spent 3 hours just talking about topic after topic and I didn't feel like we skipped a beat AND WE WERE OUTSIDE IN THE COLD WEATHER. I would say so much more, but for the first time I actually wanted to save it for you personally.  Overall it was the best way to start my new year, and you became that little ray of sunshine that gives me hope that even while it looks bad, being uncomfortable is where we grow most. I am going to push you in the things you want for yourself and the passions that you have, and will always be happy to hear you talk about the details of your day because it motivates me to do better to.

To the rest of you nosy people who may wonder who this is, think hard and maybe you'll catch onto it, if not just let the beauty be in the mystery of it all. It's nothing crazy, it is not me professing my love or anything of the sort. This girl just made me smile and laugh so much in the short time we spent that I couldn't help but write this one for her.

There will always be more to come so hope you enjoyed reading this!

You know I hate how the word "best-friend" gets thrown around so often. I mean I have never been a fan of words of endearment anyways but that one really brings out a instinctual thought of "no I am not don't say that". I know a majority of it is due to my view of a best friend and so I'll clarify. For me, best-friend isn't a normal friend, nor does it have to be someone you'd consider family. I feel like best-friends can be a temporary holding place for people. Almost as if being a "best-friend" is the intermediate step before claiming you as family or a significant other.

As a friend, you aren't entitled to time or effort because the only connection shared is probably from some interest in a hobby that thousands of others may also be interested in. They are people you go out and hang out with because you can't trust that there would be a conversation between you two without other entertainment or people there to ease it all. It is simple and it is easy.

As family, you are entitled to time and effort, but only if practical or necessary. You can still consider them your best-friend but they are more than that. They'd better be dying or really going through something if they want an answer at 3am. It isn't because there isn't love there, but the connection has been proven to be strong enough that you'd do anything for them but also they've been there for so long that the idea of spending time with them 24/7 can be very draining and annoying. We always love our family but we don't always like them.

As a significant other, you are entitled to time and effort, but it doesn't feel like entitlement. This person could be your best-friend, but of course it's not the same. You're energized by their presence, you can't wait to see them again and would do so much to make their day easier or better. You can't help but see things you think they'd like or would want and you start picking up on their interests because they ultimately remind you of them. You want to spend everyday with them because you feel life is just better when they are there.

As a best-friend, you aren't entitled to time, but you are entitled to effort. You love spending time with them, but nothing about the friendship makes you want to call them anything different than a friend. Maybe they are too childish to be your significant other, or too pushy for you to see them as family. It's a friend that has finally reached a point where you have to either decide that you are going to have them stay in your life or not. I feel like a lot of the "or not" comes from friendships where the physical attraction is one-sided. Someone can be your best-friend for a long time or for a short time, it just depends on the people involved and how close they get.

See I hate the best-friend status because its almost this stagnant place that only changes when other people come into one person's life or someone gets bored. Like a still lake before you toss a rock into it. Personally, I get bored with superficial feelings and conversations fast. Don't get me wrong, the talking stage of any relationship or friendship is my favorite because I am learning so much and there is always something to talk about. Everything just feels so light and fun. Yet once things start to get old, I can't sit here and fake asking you about your day as if it will keep me talking to you. Inevitably the either effort will be gone or I'll make the extra effort to see if I can consider closer than a friend.

Lately I've been leaning more on letting effort vanish because of the weird time everyone is at in their lives. My friends either work or go to school full-time and party or spend time with their family/significant other in their free time. I've try to talk and keep conversations going, but without a real want to talk, everything feels forced and I feel I'm better off just not talking at all.

That's why I am here I guess,

So if you haven't figured out.. yes almost all of my writings (the artsy ones) are about girls that I've dealt with in my life. You could read one out to me and I could easily tell you who it was about. I'd say there are at least 7 different girls that have writings specifically for them. It isn't that my love is so unspecific that I just write about whatever girl I am talking to. I hardly write about the girls when we are talking as nearly 80% of my posts are after we broke things off or things just ended suddenly. With that being said, as I write this, I'm deciding to end all the overflowing emotions. Anything that happened in the past will be just stamped into its time and left there. It sucks saying that because (selfishly) it was making me happy thinking of a possibility of the friendships progressing into something more. I neglect reality in these instances and so to level the field, to clear off anything left, I have to make the active effort to end it. If I truly want to be friends with these people I want to solely be there as a friend. Also because I feel it makes others feel uneasy talking to me when they see these posts and think I am some sociopath.

I have been working on a piece that I am planning to post (hopefully this weekend) that is completely made up. The situations are fake and there is no connection to anyone, I feel like that's how it should be. I'm excited for it 1. because I got hate for writing about my ex girlfriends and 2. It allows me to fully explore my mind and experiment. I truly am a hopeless romantic and so I don't think I'd ever write anything different. I like it and hope it develops into a full series like my other ones did. I'll post the old poems back up here for memories sake, but any new writings will solely involve me and my mind.  Thanks for coming to my TED talk

In 8th grade we created this binder filled with different pages regarding our life. We had to write a page worth for each topic and I stumbled upon these pages and other memories a little while back. I felt it was only write to write an updated version.

My name is Jeremiah Jasso, a 23 year old college graduate. My time in college really changed who I was as a person. I lived on my own, I went through true heartbreak and felt the true weight of my anxiety and depression. I also found myself leaning into the Bible and God's promises. I meditated and became amazed my Jesus' life and teachings. I wanted to be that confident in myself. I wanted to have everything I said be intentional and mean something. I found out how hard that actually is as I grew up.

My biggest issue in life has been relationships, I felt lonely and just wanted someone to talk to that I felt wanted to talk to me. I convinced myself that I couldn't trust people's real interest in my life unless I was able to offer them something. I found a love for learning because it made me feel useful. I enjoyed knowing things that others didn't, not to have myself held on a pedestal, but to help those that didn't quite get it. I like being helpful, I like listening to people's problems and giving them my view in hopes that something clicks in their head and I help them get something positive. Yet I don't have enough confidence in myself to come out right as that kind of person. I'd keep my knowledge to myself if I felt it would bring up the possibility that I am useless. I believe that I love myself, not as one would love a hobby or a sports team, but rather like a guilty pleasure. I trust in my abilities but only to an extent and when push comes to shove, I'd rather hide myself than risk looking like a fool in public. I do things on my own not because I enjoy being independent but because I don't like the idea of letting people down.

With that being said, I don't let it phase my day to day attitude. I don't consider myself a sad or depressed person. I just know there is a part of me that wants to be outgoing; that wants to have people around me with the same interests and goals. I think that's why I come off so neutral because I try my best to give everyone a chance because that's what I want. I realized I can't be though because it isn't fair to people that genuinely want to get to know me. See, I tell people that me writing stuff down on here doesn't bother me and I don't find it vulnerable because it isn't something that I hold near and dear. These are my emotions and so there is not justification that I have to put forward for them. Yet, when it comes to getting into why I feel the way I do, why I write, and why I want what I do that I begin to shut things down. I don't know why, I don't think it's me looking for an easy way out, I just don't think I've had anyone care to ask. Therefore I feel like while I write my emotions and feelings on a page that all you are seeing is a shadow of me and so I am not really being vulnerable at all. I've had strong feelings and attractions to several people over my life span and so I don't find it special to talk about them. What really gets me going is expanding on my insecurities.

I've grown a lot since 8th grade, I learned to value relationships after cheating and having been cheated on. I learned how much I hated doing drugs because it only made me fear my own true vulnerability and meant I'd have to face the fact that I hardly trust anyone. I learned how much leaning and running towards Jesus in my pain brought me peace that I can't explain. I learned how even with experiencing the peace that it is still a daily battle to lean into Him. I learned how bad I am at talking to people in person. I learned how much I got set back because I didn't care to want more than what was right in front of me. I learned that a lot of this year will be painful growing. But I know I am not giving up, because while things look and sound dark at times, I still wake up each morning. I still have a family that loves and would do anything for me. I still have my faith in Jesus Christ and so I'm struggling but I know everything will be alright.

This blog has become my only friend as of recently because I've said more on here than I've said to anyone. It sucks but it's reality. But I have my head on straight and my vision is clear. I have my goals, all I have to do is find the motivation to push on. Props to anyone else that deals with that same struggle.

You know... I realize that while I wrote a whole piece about my type of women, I never really thought of an easier way to describe it until now. It doesn't encompass everything but I saw that there was some aspect of this in the girls that I talked to or dated that made me more attracted to them.

This was their sense of independence. Yes, it isn't a surprising characteristic but I found that it was one that I thrived off of not just in attraction. When I say independence, I mean being able to hold their own in situations. The first place I really saw this was in girls that were more outgoing. They didn't need to be led in a conversation and it was always easy to engage. This failed a lot of the time because the outgoing girls I talked to tended to be too childish. It moved on when I had my first long relationship because while she was outgoing, she also was intelligent. Her independence stretched out and made even the craziest of situations bearable because she carried this confidence that I couldn't understand. Then I talked to a girl over a summer and thinking about her allowed me begin connecting things together. She didn't have a good home life, she had been through a lot and yet still tried to do everything on her own (spoiler alert: she did and she is flourishing). Her intelligence, her will, and her passion came together in her independence to create a girl that I really just fell for. Then comes the last girl I dated, a girl that took up 6 years of my love life thoughts and what not. She sealed the deal, and thinking back, I don't know how I didn't discover this attraction earlier. She was the first person to really drive out of the friends I had. She was taking care of her family too, maybe not money-wise, but she'd buy the groceries, pay bills, and any other errands she was needed for. She was very smart and too clever for me to handle at times, and made me grow as a boyfriend in several different ways. She always did so well on her own that I grew attracted to it to a point of us always finding our way back to each other.

This also extends to now because the reason I wrote this out today was because of a single girl. Someone who I've known for years but we've constantly been in and out of communication. When I was going through my whole break-up and she responded.... I felt as if a weight had been lifted. Of course that was because I had someone that I felt could relate to me. Yet, in hearing her talk about her life about how she was growing and maturing...I began to like her for more than her empathy. She wanted more for her life, wanted to pursue more than what was right in front of her and I just lost all restraint and even in being upset over a break up I couldn't help but want to know more about her. To see if it was just for show or if she really had grown over the years.